From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sat Oct  7 19:37:09 1989
Path: iuvax!kinzler
From: Stephen Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Newsgroups: rec.misc
Subject: The Usenet Oracle is now available! (#0-recmisc)
Message-ID: <27331@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 8 Oct 89 00:37:09 GMT

=== 0-recmisc ============================================================
Title: The Usenet Oracle is now available! (#0-recmisc)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 8 Oct 89 00:37:09 GMT

The Usenet Oracle is now available to answer all your questions!
To find out how to ask the Oracle a question, send e-mail to:

        oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle

with the subject titled "help".  You will be mailed a helpfile.

Example "oracularities" are included below and different sets have also
been posted to these newsgroups:

        alt.sex         misc.misc       rec.humor
        alt.sources     news.misc       rec.misc

--- 0-38 -----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How many engineers does it take to answer one of these questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle needs no engineers.  The oracle is omnipotent, thus needs no
} knowledge engineers.  The oracle is self sustaining, thus needs no power
} engineers.  The oracle has no moving parts, thus needs no mechanical
} engineers.  The oracle has no software, thus no software engineers, and
} finally needs no utilities, so there go the civil engineers.  So, in the
} oracle's point of view, I don't need no steenkin engineers!

--- 0-39 -----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why should I not worry, but be happy?

And in response, thus spake the oracle:

} Aha, no doubt you are thinking of the popular song, "Don't worry, be
} happy".  This is a common misconception.  The actual lyric is "Don't
} worry, be haply." haply, adv:  by chance, luck or accident.  You could
} look it up.  The song is telling you not to worry because you have no
} control over your life; everything happens by chance or accident.  Life
} is depressing.  We cannot choose what happens to us.  We are doomed to a
} life of randomness.
}
} [You owe the oracle 3 cents.]

--- 0-40 -----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> If the oracle knows all, can it think of a question, that even it cannot
> answer???  If it cannot think of such a question, then how are we
> supposed to believe in its ultimate wisdom?  Then again, if it cannot
> answer the question, how are we to believe in its infinite knowledge?
> Answer me this, oh mighty Oracle.

And in response, thus spake the oracle:

} The Oracle thinks you is a wiseguy and should be slapped upside de head
} with a stack of faulty logical paradoxes.
}
} [You owe the oracle 7 years of slavery.]

--- 0-41 -----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What if cows had opposable thumbs?

And in response, thus spake the oracle:

} Undoubtedly, they'd strangle Farmer JoeBob and the rest of humankind for
} centuries of slavery, slaughter and clumsy manhandling of their private
} parts -- not to mention the humiliation of cow-tipping.
}
} [You owe the oracle 4 cents.]

--- 0-42 -----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why is a cow?

And in response, thus spake the oracle:

} Mu.
}
} [You owe the oracle 2 big kisses.]

--- 0-43 -----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Where does all the lint in my navel come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Historically, there have been many theories about this.
}
} The Ancient Egyptians believed that the lint god Na placed it there
} during one's slumber.  Navel lint was never to be removed, but cherished
} and protected, like an oyster protects its pearl.  A large lint wad in
} one's navel was highly regarded:  politically, socially and sexually.
} It is a little known historical fact that the secret of Cleopatra's
} great charm was in her belly button.
}
} In the Dark Ages, it was popularly believed to be another type of bodily
} excretion.  With the rise of scientific thought, this was proven to be
} false by the fact that those with "outty" navels did not show any
} evidence of this excretion.
}
} Now, of course, it is well established that navel lint comes largely
} from the accumulation of fibers from one's clothing, moistened with
} abdominal sweat, and packed in the crevices of one's navel (Kinzler,
} 1988).  Largely ignored in our culture, it has lost its sexual
} connotation except among a few perverts ...  uh, I mean, enthusiasts.