From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Wed May 8 5:30:04 1991 Path: news.cs.indiana.edu!samsung!cs.utexas.edu!usc!rpi!uupsi!looking!funny-request From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Steve Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Best of Usenet Oracularities #201-250 Keywords: various, funny Message-ID: Date: 8 May 91 10:30:04 GMT Approved: funny@looking.on.ca === 201-250 - 4.2 ======================================================== Title: Best of Usenet Oracularities #201-250 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 8 May 91 10:30:04 GMT Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants. This collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #201 through #250 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as among the funniest. To find out more about the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup alt.humor.oracle. --- 202-06 00035 4.6 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Oracle! You gave me a shitty answer! Take This! > _ > / \ > |\_/| > |---| > | | > | | > _ |=-=| _ > _ / \| |/ \ > / \| | | ||\ > | | | | | \> > | | | | | \ > | - - - - |) ) > | / > \ / > \ / > \ / > \ / > | | > | | > | | And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank you for your prompt payment. } _ _ } _ / \ / \ } / \| | | ||\ } | | | | | \> } | | |___| | \ } | - - - - |) ) } | / } \ / } \ / } \ / } \ / } | | } | | } | | --- 229-10 00339 4.4 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does smoking cause brain damage? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The imperious, impervious, and impecunious Oracle will provide you with } multiple answers to your question, at no extra charge. } } 1) No. Brain damage causes smoking. } 2) No. Lung damage and heart damage usually get you first. } 3) No iv smoked for teh last thurty yeers ad it hasnt damagd my brane } yet. } 4) No, at least no worse than taking hits off your car's exhaust pipe } does. } 5) No, as long as it's done by other people in other places. } 6) No. By the time a salmon gets smoked, it's already dead. } 7) No, unless your dad catches you. } 8) No, unless the smoking is done by a pistol aimed at your cranium. } 9) No, there's (*snicker*) never been scientific (*teehee*) proof } (*guffaw*). } 10) No, smoking doesn't brain damage people. People brain damage } people, by manufacturing cigarettes. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of scissors and a water pistol. --- 244-01 00225 4.3 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If I passed algebra but failed calculus, what does that say about me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You do it discretely but not continuously. --- 201-05 10055 4.2 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and superglue-sniffing Oracle, tell me: > > Why does a fierce green snake always bar the way? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why does a fierce green snake always bar the way? } } You've obviously been playing too many of those adventure games from } Infocom! } } The one to which you are referring, I believe, deals with computer } programming. Called "Wizard Simulator", it is about a huge } macrocomputer that starts to simulate the real world. Unfortunately, } the simulated world includes itself and thousands of people, including } you, who you must release somehow into the real world. } } Let me boot this program on my PC and see if I can help you... } } } } OUTSIDE YOUR CUBICLE } You stand in a field of cubicles. As far as you can see, there neat } rows of offices with no tops and no privacy. Your office is to the } East. The restroom is to the West. A water cooler stands here, } complete with Dixie cups. } } > GO WEST. } } INSIDE YOUR CUBICLE } This cramped office holds a chair, personal workstation, and several } manuals. Outside your cubicle, your boss walks by. The workstation is } off. } } > TURN WORKSTATION ON. } } I do not know how to turn a workstation. } } > TURN ON WORKSTATION. } } Your sexual advances are ignored by the workstation. } } > PRESS START BUTTON ON WORKSTATION. } } I do not know the word 'button'. Your boss walks by your cubicle. } } > ON. } } What would you like to on? } } > WORKSTATION } } You are now on top of your workstation, crouching just under the low } ceiling. Up here, where you have never noticed before, is a small vent } leading upwards. } } > GO UP. } } A fierce green snake bars your way! } } > KILL SNAKE WITH MANUAL. } } You take the manual. You swat the snake with the manual, but it does } not seem to do any good. Your boss walks by your cubicle. "Hey you } idiot, what the hell are you doing?" Your boss takes out a cattle prod } and leans over to zap you!! } } * * * YOU HAVE DIED * * * } Score 0 out of a possible 355. } } Hmm. The Oracle is kind of stuck here, too. I suggest moving the water } cooler into your office and standing on it holding the workstation. } Your boss won't dare zap you when you are carrying such an expensive } piece of equipment. Instead, he will miss you and hit the snake. Good } luck! } } The Oracle suggests you try this in real life before risking your } character in the game. --- 237-07 01247 4.2 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is Zeno's Paradox? > If you don't know don't answer at all! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Zeno's paradox is best illustrated as follows: I'll give you half of } the answer to your question -- } } > Zeno was a famous Greek philosopher who attempted to prove that motion } > does not exist. The most famous of his paradoxes goes like this: } > Suppose we want to move from point A to point B. We do so by moving } > to a point halfway between A and B, then to another p } } Then half of the remaining answer to your question -- } } > oint halfway between there and B, and to another point halfway between } > there and B, and so on and so on. As you can see, since t } } And half of the next part -- } } > here is always some distance left between the point we're at and } } And the next part -- } } > point B, we never get to point } } And the next -- } } > B. Hence, motio } } And the next -- } } > n is imp } } And so on -- } } > ossi } } And so on -- } } > bl } } And so on -- } } > e } } See, you *still* have no idea what I'm talking about, right? } } QED. --- 207-07 00435 4.1 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Muse of Programming has left me, and I can't even remember how to > use the ++ operator. What can I do to restore my talents? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, first of all, you have got to apologise! The Muse was round my } place this morning, and let me tell you, she was in a foul mood! What } on earth propmted you to say all that stuff about Ada being a great } language? I mean, you really know how to hurt someone, don't you? } } There aren't many ways to appease her at the moment, but here are a few } friendly suggestions (and I'm only telling you for her sake, you } understand - she's a *very* good friend, if you see what I mean ...) } } 1) Throw away all your books on Ada (and Pascal, for that matter). } Trash all the compilers you can find that don't accept postfix AND } prefix operators (The Muse likes a bit of variety in her sex life). } Get the fastest optimising C compiler you can, and set it up to } compile and execute the following program 32767 times: } } #include } #include } #include } #include } #include } #define FAULT mine } #define ME 0xBADBADBADBAD } #define CRAWL_NO 256 } main(argc, argv) } int argc; } char **argv; } { } int crawling=0; } for(crawling=0; crawling>CRAWL_NO; crawling++) { } /* THATS how you use */ } abase(ME); /* ++ (postfix ...) */ } castigate(ME); } humble(ME); } humiliate(ME,whip(),beat()); } buy(expensive_toy()); } buy(leatherwear()); } buy(choc_chip_ice_cream()); } buy(red_roses(12)); } } } printf(stdnationalnewspaper,"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!\n"); } printf(stdlocalpaper,"%s is truly sorry, Muse. Truly sorry!\n", } my_name()); } } } } 2) Cover your body with green paint, shave off all your hair, and paint } the bald patches red. Stand out in the snow until you turn blue } underneath. Shout at the top of your voice "Oh Muse of Programming! } I apologise! Please, please, please come back! I promise I won't } complain when you beat me at Tetris! I'll do anything for you! I } was a bad bad bad boy! I'll never even look at another programming } language again! Countess Ada Lovelace means nothing to me! It was } all a mistake! I'll do anything!" If you're lucky, she'll come } back. And expect to have to keep that last promise ... we were } discussing things she'd like to do to you over toast this morning, } and at least two things she came up with curdled the milk ... } } 3) Pluck out all your nostril hair and sellotape it to a listing of your } last program together - she likes hairy coding. } } 4) Become a TV Evangalist promoting the values of C and C++, and get } everyone to send all their money to Richard Stallman. Don't worry } if you still don't know what ++ means, lack of Godly grace never } stopped the religious evangalists in the past ... } } 5) Go without food, drink, natural sunlight and human company for 24 } days, and spend it staring into your VDU at the diagnostic output of } cc when trying to compile the output from a particularly good game } of nethack. Then figure out an effective algorithm for this year's } version of nethackomatic, write it out in incomprehensible } handwriting on the back of a piece of loo paper, and post it to me, } here. If it's any good, I think I may be able to persuade the Muse } to nip over to help you out with such a humanitarian project. } } Basically, you see, she does like you quite a lot (and quite often going } by what I've heard...) but you have really upset her pride. She was } considering sleazing it down to the CS labs and picking up some spotty } adloscent short-sighted fresher, and teaching him all about life (well, } C and USENET, anyway) just to spite you, but I've convinced her to wait } just a few days so that you can prove that you are really sorry. } Of course, if you're not, then we're going to send around Butch, the } net.vicious.rottweiler.god, who will eat your testicles and typing } fingers up to the wrist. } } Good luck, and may you make the right decisions! } } You owe the Oracle an optimising compiler that detects benckmarks, and } compiles down to a single NOP every single time. And a banana. --- 229-01 01365 4.0 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can I be Lisa for just a day? Please, pretty please? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Certainly. *poof* OK, now you're Lisa. My goodness, what large ... } Never mind; you've got a busy day ahead of you: } } 07:30am: Wake up } } 07:45am: Shower, apply makeup. Decide that you hate makeup, change. } } 08:20am: Get dressed. Decide you hate clothing choices, change. } } 09:07am: Arrive just in time for your OBGYN appointment. You've } brought along a set of woolen slippers so that the stirrups aren't } _quite_ so cold, an entire back year of _Scientific American_ for } the wait in the lobby, and an electric cattle prod just in case } the doctor even _thinks_ about using an unheated speculum on you. } } 10:22am: He did use the unheated speculum, but the cattle prod was } out of reach. After a thorough and humiliating exam, he told you } that it was all in your head, women are often like that, and that } the visit cost you $127.22. } } 11:30am: Lunch, early. Deflect pass from computer science dweeb. At } least, you assume it was a pass: He came up, tried to speak (but } only stuttered) while staring at your breasts, hands shaking so } badly that he was knocking ice cubes out of his drink onto your } shoes. } } 1:00pm: Study in library. Jock comes up, sits next to you, pretends } to study (you notice book is upside down), puts hand on thigh. } You move. He follows. You leave library. He follows, but is } distracted by another female student in imperceptably shorter } skirt. } } 2:30pm: Drop off project in TA's office. He tells your breasts (why } do men never speak to you directly?) that he might just lose the } project unless you gave him something to remember you by. You } inquire if a sexual harrassment lawsuit would be sufficiently } memorable. He turns red, muttering how women have no sense } of humor. You leave. } } 2:45pm to 6:45pm: Work on next project in terminal room. Excepting } stares (computer science types must grow up on a planet without } women, you decide), you are undisturbed. } } 7:30pm: You arrive back at home to find message from boyfriend } cancelling date. You start running a bath. } } 7:50pm: You get another phone call from boyfriend, telling you his } plans fell through and could you two still get together? With } a sigh, you agree, and let the water out of the tub. } } 8:45pm: He arrives, you leave for dinner. } } 10:00pm: You return after a pleasant dinner. Necking on couch } follows. } } 10:15pm: Complete undress achieved. } } 10:30pm: He falls asleep. You consider, but reject the vibrator } as being too noisy, and run a bath instead. } } 11:15pm: You fall asleep. } } *poof* See, now wasn't that fun? We have a special _seven day_ } package, if you're interested. Hello? } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Women Who Love Too Much." --- 236-08 11449 4.0 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Magnificent Oracle, whose wisdom teeth impact the whole world with > dental agony, > > I haven't had a dental checkup in ten years. Is it worth it to go in, > or should I just blow my jaw off with a shotgun and be done with dental > floss once and for all? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Comparison of Dental Checkup Techniques: A Field Study by the Oracle, } MD, DDS, PHD, MS, BS, CPA, and a BMF besides. } } One hundred mortal subjects were selected based on their lack of dental } checkups over a period no less than five years previous to this date. } This was accomplished by the convenient method of rounding up people } found in college computer labs on Friday and Saturday nights, and giving } those people Breathalyzer(TM) tests. Those for whom the Breathalyzer } machine turned sickly green were selected as subjects. } } Fifty of the subjects were selected at random to receive a dental } checkup via Method A (dentist), while the others received Method B } (twelve-gauge). The experiment was triple-blind - i.e., the subjects } did not know at any time which treatment they were receiving, the } experimenters did not know at any time which treatment they were } administering, and the Oracle has consistently disavowed knowledge of } the entire experiment. } } Criteria listed below were checked during treatment and at various times } afterwards, as appropriate. } } Criteria Method A Method B } -------- -------- -------- } patient expressed yes, quite loudly patients' expressions } pain during were priceless during } treatment treatment } patient requested yes, quite loudly patient seemed too } painkillers surprised to react } during treatmen } patient was able yes, some left early patients were kept for } go home same day further supervision } patient expressed yes, there were no patient spoke out } negative feelings complaints against their } about treatment treatment } afterwards } patient mentioned no such comments all patients sat in } looking forward to chair, quietly } next treatment looking forward } mortality rate zero percent 102 percent (one } within a week experimenter was } accidentally shot) } lawsuits filed three forty-four } within a week } } As is clear from the data above, Method B is superior to Method A in } almost all respects. Method B is less expensive, much simpler and } quicker, and leads to far fewer complaints on the part of the patient. } Further study is likely to reveal that Method B can be administered by a } "dentist" with far less experience than that required by Method A - that } is, a duck-hunting license will suffice in lieu of a DDS. } } You owe the Oracle all that dental floss you won't be needing. --- 248-04 00595 4.0 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I heard aphids are born pregnant. Is this true? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes indeed. This is one of the many wonderous but little publicized } facts about the Animal Kingdom. Some others are: } } 1) Carpenter ants are born constipated, DESPITE the fact that they have } the highest percentage of dietary fiber in their diets ever recorded } (tied for first place with termites, who, however, have no such } digestive irregularities.) } } 2) Hyenas are the only known animal with an internal supply of nitrous } oxide. Central African efforts to tap this natural resource to improve } dentistry have been a disappointment, although they have had the side } benefit that the treatment of amputated limbs is now much better } understood. } } 3) Humpback whales are born with a fluent command of English, French, } Spanish, German, Russian, and seventeen other human languages(fnord). } The fluty sing-song language they use when in the presence of humans is } due to a misunderstanding caused by the fact that the whales' first } human contact was with a Swiss Yodeler. } } 4) North American salmon have only recently begun swimming up mountain } streams to spawn. They were, in fact, perfectly happy to do their } spawning in the sea before a blitz advertising campaign by Coors Beer on } network TV convinced them that no young, vibrant fish would be caught } dead in anything but Rocky Mountain spring water. } } Other such interesting facts can be found in Imaginitive Pseudoscience } Magazine, but you owe the Oracle a year's subscription to Omni instead: } it's a little more entertaining and less rigorous than IPM. -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@looking.on.ca (ie. jokes which won't be funny if not given immediate attention.) Anything that is not a joke submission goes to funny-request@looking.on.ca