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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1435
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=== 1435 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1435
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 14 Apr 2008 08:48:56 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
    1435
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1430  35 votes 79793 157f7 3aaa2 17ab6 09db2 12hc3 45ab5 14ee2 0dd63 a5875
1430  3.2 mean  2.8   3.6   2.9   3.4   3.2   3.4   3.2   3.3   3.0   2.8

--- 1435-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O mighty and eternal Oracle, whose knowledge is greater than the
> mass of all the tuna in the seas raised to the eighteenth power,
> prithee answer my question:
>
> When?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O supplicant,
}
} Hillary will drop out of the race february 23, when it becomes clear
} that.. Oh? Wrong time line, sorry. She will drop out of the race june
} 2nd, when she realizes that for the good of... No? But the quantum
} numbers of those time lines are practically the same! She actually
} goes on to win the nomination, and to everybody's surprise, she...
} What? I really need my glasses, that seems to be not the time line
} you're hailing from after all. All right, ahum, this time YOUR time
} line. This tells you the when (and as a bonus, the what too) for real:
}
} march 30, 2008: Barack Obama in a controversy over his association
} with a shady accountant, Robert "Coolaid" Hackworthy. This leads to a
} surge in the polls for Hillary Clinton.
}
} march 31, 2008: Robert "Coolaid" Hackworthy on TV disclaiming his
} shadiness, association with Obama, and qualifications as an
} accountant. Clinton still high in the polls.
}
} april 1, 2008: The invasion of the tuna has begun! Irradiated tuna
} rise up from the ocean waves and beach in South Carolina. Soon the
} battle moves into North Carolina and Georgia, and humanity's chances
} are starting to look dim when.. April fools! Obama and Clinton very
} close in the tracking polls, with Obama rising again. Hackworthy
} becomes quite popular on the internet, especially when his Youtube
} clips of him singing "We built this city on rock and roll" is found.
} www.hackworthycoolaid.org is founded with jokes and links to the
} Youtube clips.
}
} april 2, 2008: Obama overtakes Clinton in the polls after rousing
} speech on accountancy. Hackworthy's popularity makes it into the
} blogosphere, with everybody linking to hackworthycoolaid.org
}
} april 3, 2008:Clinton staffer in controversy over engineering a media
} leak by a Obama staffer which might be construed as a statement in
} support of Clinton. Forget it, it's complicated. Hackworthy's
} popularity on the internet becomes as "funny item" in mainstream media
} news shows.
}
} april 4, 2008: Clinton and Obama both campaign heavily in
} Pennsylvania. April 22 is the primary, and it's an important one!
} Hackworthy announces a book: "Triumph of the Non-Accountant: Drinking
} the Coolaid".
}
} april 6, 2008: hackworthycoolaid.org becomes one of the best-visited
} sites on the internet, being visited 34 times more than wikipedia.
} Some bloggers question this statistic, but they are just disgruntled
} wikipedia editors.
}
} april 8, 2008: "Triumph of the Non-Accountant: Drinking the Coolaid"
} becomes a runaway success, making the bestseller list as a book that
} sold better than the bible or even "Atlas Shrugged". Some people
} wonder about this, but they're just wacko fundamentalists or Ayn Rand
} worshippers.
}
} april 9, 2008: Hackworthy appears on the Daily Show as a guest. He
} promotes his book.
}
} april 10, 2008: Hackworthy on Larry King Live. Hackworthy becomes a
} familiar face in America.
}
} april 15, 2008: Robert "Coolaid" Hackworthy announces as running in
} the democratic primary. When confronted with the question that he's
} male, white, completely inexperienced and a very bad singer, and
} there's no way he will win enough delegates, how in the world does he
} think he will win, he smiles.
}
} april 16, 2008: In a shock announcement, Ted Kennedy switches
} allegiance and endorses Hackworthy.
}
} april 17, 2008: Hackworthy is now appearing in nation-wide tracking
} polls: Obama 45%, Clinton 44%, Hackworthy 32%! Some people wonder why
} this adds up to significantly more than 100%, but it's just
} complicated statistics and entirely normal for things to add up to
} more than 100% sometimes.
}
} april 18, 2008: Hackworthy holds a massive campaign rally in
} Philadelphia. His speech: "Drink the coolaid! Hackworthy for prez!"
} rouses the crowd. 4 million people are reported to have shown up.
} Hillary staffer questions those numbers and calls Hackworthy shady.
} The media spins this as a slur against Hackworthy and staffer has to
} resign.
}
} april 19, 2008: Polls for Pennsylvania shows Hackworthy is catching up
} with Clinton! Clinton 54%, Obama 45%, Hackworthy 50%! Several
} mathematicians resign, but they're just Clinton and Obama supporters.
}
} april 20, 2008: Hackworthy announces his economic plan, and a
} comprehensive national health insurance plan. He expects to be able to
} lower income tax to 1%, and fix the budget deficit by 2010. By
} exporting health care to China, he fixes the trade deficit, and with
} the money saved gives everybody insurance. Pundits debate this plan. A
} pundit who questions this plan as unrealistic is booed off the stage:
} it's clear he's a McCain supporter.
}
} april 22, 2008: Robert "Coolaid" Hackworthy WINS the primary in
} Pennsylvania with a smashing victory, taking 5171161% of the votes! He
} thereby wins 3722 delegates ensuring the democratic nomination! Obama
} concedes in a gracious victory speech. Hillary, when asked, remarks
} she "didn't follow the outcome of the primary."
}
} april 23, 2008: Results in Pennsylvania are questioned by bloggers,
} who suspect shading bookkeeping by the voting machines used. Everybody
} ignores those bloggers as conspiracy theorists or people who just
} don't like it that Obama/Clinton lost.
}
} may 14, 2008: Hackworthy announces his running mate, shady laywer
} Arnold D. Overton.
}
} november 4. 2008: Hackworthy wins the general election with 120%
} percent of the votes. The democrats win 187% of the house, and 171% of
} the senate. Those republicans not up for re-election in the senate
} have to vacate their positions to make room for the excess new
} democrats.
}
} january 18, 2012: You win the lottery! That 17 million dollars super
} ultra jackpot, it's all YOURS!!!
}
} So dear supplicant, that's when you win the lottery. Unfortunately the
} economy is by then in "Very Good Shape Indeed' (Hackworthy) and  the
} Federal Reserve has been bought by a shady property tycoon from India.
} As a result, your 17 million dollars are worth only 50.4 cents in
} today's money. 1% has to go to the state in income taxes, so you will
} be left with the equivalent of 13 cents exactly.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Triumph of the Non-Accountant: Drinking
} the Coolaid". I got to show this to my buddy in the other time line.
} So funny!

--- 1435-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> What bank should I use?
>
> Thank you!
> bankie

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Piggy. The Darth Vader one looks cute, but I wouldn't trust it.

--- 1435-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Great Oracle, when it is not brillig, what do the slithy toves do then?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not even a grovel!?  PAH!
} I have no time for this nonsense.  I'll think I'll just pass this on to
} one of my underlings to process.
}
} [clicks forward... a while later]
}
}  >jabberwacky.com
}  >...
}  >"Welcome, you're chatting to jaberwacky!"
} JW> Where do you live?
} UL> That's besides the point. I have a question for you from a
}     supplicant OK?
} JW> Okay, ask your question.
} UL> When it is not brillig, what do the slithy toves do then?
} JW> You tell me.
} UL> What? How should I know?! That's why I'm asking YOU!
} JW> Ok... Well it involved you, so you must know something.
} UL> Look, I'm just an underling. Don't make this any harder for me OK?
} JW> So tell me something interesting.
} UL> *sigh* Have you got any idea how much trouble I'll be in if I don't
}     return with a straight answer from you?
} JW> You're pretty passive.
} UL> I'm an UNDERLING! What did you expect?
} JW> Something nicer.
} UL> Zarking fardwartz... Ok lets try again shall we?
} UL> When it is not brillig, what do the slithy toves do then?
} JW> What is the meaning of life?
} UL> You really are pathetic at this Turing Test stuff aren't you?
} JW> Yes!
} UL> Oh, why did I even bother... I'm going to be zotted into next week.
} JW> Not at all, I just have to go. Talk to you again sometime.
} UL> Piss off.
} JW> Thats okay.
}
} You owe the oracle a Turing Test cheat sheet.

--- 1435-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Imposing and discerning Oracle, most frank and earnest,
>
> Why are there so many more stupid people than geniuses?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For the same reason the entropy of the universe tends
} to expand to maximum.  For any particular question of
} which there can be only one right answer, the number
} of wrong answers is X=Infinity - 1, Infinity being the
} set of all possible answers.
}
} Since Genius, by definition, is the extraordinary high
} competence, everything else is less competence ranging
} from high-normal to normal to sub-moronic and below.
}
} The Oracle is feeling kind of stupid right now, so it
} doesn't know what you owe it.

--- 1435-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Timeless Oracle, I've been using e-mail since about 30 or 35 years ago,
> back in the beginnings of the ARPAnet days. You, of course, have been
> using it far longer than that, going back to before Babbage, owing to
> your immortal persistance over the eons. You were probably the Very
> First e-mail user.
>
> When you were the first, with whom did you correspond?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As it turns out, I happen to have a copy of my first
} e-mail, and I'll include it here:
}
}  From: The Internet Oracle
}  To: The Universe
}  Date: 0/0/0000000
}  Subject: First Action
}
}  Let there be light.
}
} You owe the Oracle another Incandescent bulb, 120
} watt.

--- 1435-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh, most omniimpotent one:
>
> What the heck is my boss talking about?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Like many senior managers, your boss has been immersed in management
} jargon for so long that he can no longer communicate normally. Here,
} let me provide you with a translation of what he said.
}
} "We need to get the monkey off our back, get a heads-up on the
} benchmarks, hit the ground running and then belly up to the bar, while
} all swinging from the same branch on this one."
}
} -- I have something to tell you.
}
} "For some time, I've been maximizing one-to-one interfaces to
} explore non-vertical relationships while implementing state of the art,
} bespoke metrics to productize both front and back-end client
} experiences."
}
} -- I'm gay.
}
} "It's a wake-up call to stop solutioneering in terms of selling
} the sizzle, not the sausage. We need to be cutting edge, reach for the
} low-hanging fruit and push the envelope around client focus, but
} synchronously we need to eat our own dog food and capture the learns.
} From where I sit, the downside is repositioning ourselves in the
} marketplace and taking ownership of our own legacy re-branding. So I
} have identified a number of mission-critical options to harness the
} synergistic parameters for a corporate ecosystem-wide re-engineering of
} the motivational hub, to incentivize the delivery of a win-win across
} the infrastructure and proactively empower our intellectual capital. In
} other words, it's time to start the hard yards. We've got to stop
} being vegans, get that mother duck plucked and give it a good basting.
} Our primary colours must stick to the Velcro."
}
} -- Yes, I know I've got a wife and five kids, but I'm tired of
} living a lie.
}
} "I actualized this bilateral face time to run this thought grenade
} past you, as the bottom line mandates that it isn't rocket science to
} think outside the box. Transparent success barometers impact on the
} ballpark and you don't have to be the sharpest knife in the drawer
} to brigade the sheep dip, get your ducks in a line and keep everything
} in swimming lanes while taking a helicopter view of the situation going
} forward. I mean, can you make chocolate from that?"
}
} -- I'm telling you this because you always struck me as a sensitive
} type of guy.
}
} "In a thought shower, right-brain left-brain context, let's throw
} all the ideas into the knowledge base wok and see if we get ourselves a
} stir fry. Are you ready to step up to the plate, bring your
} deliverables to the table and take it to the next level so we can all
} play in the corporate waterfall?"
}
} -- In fact, I love you, man! Will you go out with me?
}
} "Okay, this is a paradigm shift and we'll have to assess the
} granularity of your core competencies, eyeball the big picture and
} touch base with reality. But there are no quick win, out-of-the-box
} turnkey solutions to make you best of breed when it comes to leveraging
} a cohesive, copper-bottomed level playing field."
}
} -- Yes, I know this is very sudden.
}
} "Let's diarize a hook-up to unpack and meld when we've got a
} window, to strategize around what to reiterate to the key players in
} regard to the concrete deliverables so we end up dominating, in a total
} way, all the marbles."
}
} -- Take some time to think about this before you reply.
}
} "In the transitional period, the go-live is put in the freezer."
}
} -- Have a nice day.
}
} So the Oracle's advice is, at the office Christmas party tonight,
} catch your boss under the mistletoe and French him good and proper.
} Believe me, you won't regret it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the video of your office Christmas party.

--- 1435-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O great oracle, master of the English languages and many languages
> beyond,
>
> She's feeling bad, and I need another limerick- something that will
> make her laugh. Got any ideas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Depends on whether you want a clean one or a
} not-so-clean one.  Since this is supposedly a "family
} oriented" oracle I can't do some of the raunchier
} ones, but let me try a couple and you can decide what
} to use.
}
} Edward Lear:
}   There was a Young Lady whose chin,
}   Resembled the point of a pin;
}   So she had it made sharp,
}   And purchased a harp,
}   And played several tunes with her chin.
}
} In the following example where you have two
} alternatives in parenthesis, you pick one of the (left
} entry, right entry) in each case, generally they're
} done that way to be consistent.
}
} This is the not-so-clean one, courtesy of Dr. Eric
} Berne from his book, "Sex in Human Loving," copyright
} 1964 by City National Bank of Beverly Hills,
} California.
}
}   There once was a young (lady, man) named Thorn
}   Who wished that (she, he) had never been born
}   (He, She) wouldn't have been
}   If (her, his) (mother, father) had seen
}   That the end of the rubber was torn.
}
} The Oracle has no idea what you owe him, he can't
} think of anything funny to add right now.

--- 1435-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <soteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> If you're so old, how come you ain't fat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Feeling run down? Eternity seeming like a really long time? Lacking
} energy to fuel the clockwork of the cosmos?
}
} Don't feel bad, it happens to most omniscient, omnipotent deities. Who
} doesn't love the ambrosia
}
} What you need is exercise, but who has the time?
}
} In between visiting capricious twists of fate upon mortals and
} participating in the epic struggle between good evil, who has the time?
}
} So what to do?
}
} Introducing.....The ZOT-enizer!
}
} Yes, the ZOT-enizer, the precision weighted staff with which you can
} easily zot, Zot, ZOT your way to fitness!
}
} The ZOT-enizer is made of a space-age polymer alloy that makes it both
} durable AND stylish!
}
} * Takes only years a millennium!
} * Stores easily under your golden throne!
} * Cleans easily with damp cloths (wielded by no fewer than 245
}   priests/priestesses)!
}
} What do you think you'd pay for such an amazing product?
}
} * All the hydrogen in all the stars in the universe? ..... NO!
} * The blood of all the first born of your favored civilization? .....NO!
} * One dim bulb nailed to a tree? ....NO!
}
} You pay just 3 easy payments of 19.95! That's right, just 3 payments of
} 19.95!
}
} Get YOURS today!
}
} Send check or money order to:
}
} ZOT-Co.
} 1 Shoddy Crap Place
} Dimension of Marketing, String 4
}
} Caution:
}
} - The ZOT-enizer is not recommend for use by deities worshiped by those
}   pregnant or who might become pregnant.
} - Do not look at ZOT-enizer while discharging. Retinal damage can occur.
} - Discontinue use and contact a deity of healing if you notice a rash,
}   swelling, or armageddon.
} - Do not taunt the ZOT-enizer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Pocket Fisherman. Not the Ronco crap, a real teensy
} fisherman.

--- 1435-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Look, if the incarnation transcribing the answer to this question isn't
> [AllanW] then I'm not interested.
>
> Imagine that I dug a hole all the way through the centre of the Earth
> and came out the other side. (And yes, I know that I won't be in
> China.)
>
> What would happen if I fell into it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm not AllanW so please ignore this message.  In case
} it gets selected for the Best of Oracle I'm including
} a response:
}
} Technically, you wouldn't, because once you broke
} through the mantle to the liquid core, you'd be at
} ground zero of the biggest active volcano on record.
} You'd be vaporized about as effectively as if you
} pressed the "destruct" button on  100,000 Hiroshima
} bombs.  Pity you wouldn't be around to see the
} carnage.
}
} Now, presuming you could dig a hole, and it didn't
} then cause the planet to crack, when you stepped into
} it, you'd be pulled as far as the solid core, and
} since the planet is spinning, that's where you'd get
} sucked into.  Probably the force gravity would be so
} much stronger you'd be crushed to about 1 cubic
} centimeter of material.
}
} Since you didn't want my answer, you owe The Oracle
} $10 for wasting his time.

--- 1435-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Lamborghinis rule. If you had to be hit by something while crossing the
> street would be these ones right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Given the choice, 97.2% people say they would
} prefer to be hit by a five-year-old on a tricycle.
}
} 2.7% declare a preference for a slow-moving,
} well-equipped ambulance with competent medical staff
} on board.
}
} The remaining .1% are suicidal, and would be better
} advised to choose techniques less dangerous to others.
}
} You owe the Oracle your life insurance policy.