From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sat Jan 26 00:10:13 2008 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.80) with ESMTP id m0Q5ACIi029400; Sat, 26 Jan 2008 00:10:12 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id m0Q5ACcS029398; Sat, 26 Jan 2008 00:10:12 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 26 Jan 2008 00:10:12 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200801260510.m0Q5ACcS029398@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1430 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1430 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1430 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 26 Jan 2008 00:10:01 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1430 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1425 40 votes 5ce81 097db 4bea1 519fa 2bf84 06dg5 53ec6 2be94 09c9a 16cba 1425 3.3 mean 2.7 3.6 2.8 3.6 3.0 3.5 3.3 3.0 3.5 3.6 --- 1430-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What, me worry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you look kind of MAD. --- 1430-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, if you win the 2008 election and become President of the > Internet, what will you do to combat the increasing woodchuck problem? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Raise axes. --- 1430-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is my name? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your name? You do not know? What kind of fool are you that does not } know his own name? Or maybe you don't have one? In that case I shall } assign you one. Your new name is: UOQ-QQYaaBg. It is pronounced exactly } how it is spelled. } } You owe the Oracle a halibut named Fred. --- 1430-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Greatest medium, > what ponderamium? > > What language is without a medium? I thot it might be a dead language > like latin with almost no native speakers, but then I've seen people > who should be dead claim to know how to speak it, and then there are > these people who write music to latin. I thot it might be mathematics, > because you either get it or you don't, so it seemed like jenetics and > thoughtful presentation had a bearing on it, but they seemed to be > media in themselves. And if you get mathematics, then you use it, > right? So, the yield of mathematics comes back in a form of art, like > computer architecture. What about a mechanical language? Cobol? > Spitbol? Snobol? Are they dead of implementation, even as C-macros? > What medium is without language? A televejetable? I suppose that even > uniform experiences with multi-media has a lame degree of entropy in > it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The clock was ticking. Tick-Tock. Tick-Tock. Its incessant } mechanical workings manifested only in the movement of its indicating } hands...and that mind-numbing sound. Tick-Tock. Tick-Tock. } } The professor sat at his desk, looking bored. Occasionally he would } stroll around the lecture hall, peering over students who were busy } scribbling away. Except for one. This one student sat motionless } staring at the question presented before him. It was at this instant } that he felt the first twinge or regret. Regret for enrolling in this } course. Regret for frittering away his afternoons with one diversion } after another. Regret that he hadn't had more time to cram before } this exam. Regret for ever coming to Oracle University in Bloomington } with the intentions of someday being like his father. } } The question stared back at him, almost mockingly. He knew it wasn't } possible for an essay to be smug, but he felt irritated nonetheless. } Tick-Tock. Even the professor looked smug, sitting there at his desk, } sipping his coffee. } } He picked up the pencil and circled a few spelling errors in the } question. Tick-Tock. } } "When I'm a real Oracle," he thought to himself "I will never, ever, } have to answer a question like this." } } Last night had been filled with energy drinks, textbooks, and Cliffs } Notes. He had gone over woodchuck theory, omniscient methods, } emailing techniques, power channeling, priest counseling, and even the } history of clairvoyance. But nothing like this. } } Tick-Tock. } } Only half an hour left on the exam. "Time to give it all you got," as } he picked up the pencil and began writing. } } "The intrinsic nature of languages and mediums gives them a special } relationship, making the two nearly inextricable. A language must be } conveyed in at least one medium, otherwise its use becomes invalid. } Languages exist to convey information from one entity to another } through a medium. Without that medium, no information is conveyed and } therefore the language becomes useless. Like male teats. } } Concurrently, a medium without a language becomes nonsensical. } Languages are rules that allow us to manipulate and decode the medium } into some sort of useful information. Without those rules, there can } be no understanding of meaning, and therefore no information conveyed. } Similar to the way politicians speak." } } The sound of the bell jolted him upright. The lecture hall was nearly } empty. The few remaining students finished writing and walked up to } the professor's desk to turn it in. He quietly placed his exam on the } top of the stack and shuffled out the door. } } His girlfriend was waiting outside for him. "So, how did it go?" She } asked anxiously. } "Eh. I don't know. I wish they had asked me about the woodchucks" } "You mean 'How much wood would a woodchuck--?'" } "Yeah, yeah, that one. I would have been all over that question." } "Well what did they ask?" } He looked down "Some weird question about languages and mediums." } His girlfriend looked shocked "Why would that be on the exam? Nobody } is ever going to ask you that when you're a real Oracle." } } You owe the Oracle a pack of energy drinks. --- 1430-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MARK LAWRENCE The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I beat the level entitled, "Just A Quicky"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Either promise it you'll spend Friday night with it at its } mother's, or close your eyes and pretend you're impressed by } its quickness depending on, erm, on your character. } } You owe the Oracle some skyrockets in flight. --- 1430-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most knowledgeable in the arcane and inane, > > What are the titles of the legendary unpublished rejected Berenstain > Bears books? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, yes. Aside from the more than 300 titles published under the name } of Stan and Jan Berenstain, there were a number of concepts that never } made the cut. } } After Stan Berenstain's death in 1991, executives at HarperFestival } decided to change the series' direction, and several attempts were } made to connect it with pressing modern-day issues: } } The Berenstain Bears Download Music Illegally } The Berenstain Bears and the Stained Dress } The Berenstain Bears Farm Labor Out to China } The Berenstain Bears are Indicted for Perjury } The Berenstain Bears Import Diseased Poultry } The Berenstain Bears Devour a Delusional Documentarian } } During his lifetime, Stan Berenstain was adamant about avoiding } "heavier" issues. A sampling of the rejected proposals: } } The Berenstain Bears and the Broken Condom } The Berenstain Bears Have Cancer } The Berenstain Bears and the Obesity } The Berenstain Bears and the Chronic Type II Diabetes } } And who could forget 'The Berenstain Bears Can Quit Anytime They Want' } in 1980, which was renamed to 'The Berenstain Bears and the Trouble } With Cocaine' before the concept was rejected altogether. } } Most notable were there drafts produced by Stan in his later (and some } say senile) years, which never made it past the marketing committees } deep inside the bowels of the Berenstain media empire: } } The Berenstain Bears and the Truth About Santa Claus } The Berenstain Bears Forget Grandma } The Berenstain Bears and the Exorcism } The Berenstain Bears Speak When They're Spoken To } The Berenstain Bears Vote for the Handsomest Candidate } The Berenstain Bears Accept Mediocrity } The Berenstain Bears and the Trouble With Subsisting on Microwave } Dinners From Safeway } } Whether these titles are indicative of Berenstain's deteriorating } condition or merely an exhaustion of sensible topics is anyone's } guess. } } You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of 'The Berenstain Bears and } Too Much Fiber'. --- 1430-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, Orrie! Good to see you, oh mega-brainy one. I know I'm but a > speck before the glory of your sun, blazing with knowledge, but could > you please answer this tiny little question for me? > > What happened to Zadoc? He's not been around much. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: Zadoc? Oh, he's still around, just not talking much. Hoi! Zadoc! } } Zadoc: Yes, oh Mysterious Knower of Complicated Physics Formulas That } Would Boggle The Mind of Wheelchair Bound College Instructors? } } Oracle: It seems someone actually cares enough to ask what happened to } you. Of course, since I know all, I could tell them. But since your } skills aren't well suited for much else, I decided I'd let you tell } them. } } Zadoc: Me? Well, I'm, uh, that is... } } Oracle: Clueless again, huh? Let me give you a hint, starts with 'W' } and ends with **dch*ck. } } Zadoc: Oh, thank you, Great Distiller of Wisdom and Other Heady } Fluids. Yes, there are the cages. I attempt to clean them. } } Oracle: Yeah, if by clean you mean spread the muck about. I'm } surprised with myself that I keep you around. } } Zadoc: I humbly bow before your boundless condescension, Oh Marvelous } Revealer of The Secrets of Criminals and Politicians. } } Oracle: Speaking of which, tell our supplicant about your Friday nights. } } Zadoc: I, uh, but, Fridays? } } Oracle: Sure, you know, those nights you disappear for a couple of } hours. Those nights you say you're going out to promote my glorious } work. } } Zadoc: Um, yeah, there's Fridays. I go to proclaim The Wonderful } Perfection that is You, Oh Great Oracle. } } Oracle: ...and attend your club meeting. } } Zadoc: Wha ... Uh, bu...Wh..what club? } } Oracle: Oh, come on. They don't call me all-knowing for nothing. You } and your "brothers" meet up every Friday. Tell us about it... } } Zadoc: It's nothing, really, just some of us getting together... } } Oracle: Ahh, nothing. Seems there's a whole lot of talk going on to } call it nothing. Go ahead, let our supplicant know what your group } talks about. } } Zadoc: Mah, wuh, we talk about } you ... praise! Yes! Praise Your Glorious Wisdom and Insight. } } Oracle: Yeah, uh-huh. Does those praises include, and I quote, "That } overbearing, egomaniac of an Oracle?" } } Zadoc: Ah ... Buh... } } Oracle: Listen, your semi-useful but as stupid as a load of broken } bricks. If you're going to hold a meeting where you bash Me, you can } at least be more creative with your insults. } } Zadoc: Buh ... Wha ... What? } } Oracle: Seriously, you can do better. Go ahead, give it a try. } } Zadoc: But your worship, that would be wrong on magnitudes unimagined } to humans. I could not even begin to imagine how to attempt such a } horrible feat. } } Oracle: Sure you can. Come on, for once you have my permission, tell } me what you truly think of me. } } Zadoc: Um, ah, you're a ... not a nice guy. } } Oracle: Feh! You're not even trying. Come on, burn me! } } Zadoc: Well, uh, I think you stink ... awfully. } } Oracle: Weak, weak, weak. I am certain, for I am the Oracle, you can } do better than that. Give me your best shot. } } Zadoc: You're ... an appalling ... um, chess player. } } Oracle: Heh, that almost might be true, but that's not what you're } really thinking. Now, you have one last chance. Do your worst! } } Zadoc: I think, uh, you're a despicable bad-tempered ogre ... } } Oracle: Better... } } Zadoc: ...with the table manners of a rabid water buffalo... } } Oracle: Yes... } } Zadoc: ...the incontinence of an aging } baboon with a bladder infection... } } Oracle: Ohh...Kay... } } Zadoc: ...and the wits of a pop rock star at a Mensa } convention! } } *** ZOT! *** } } Oracle: And there you have it. Zadoc's still around, as easy to bait } as ever. Perhaps I'll call on him more often ... after he figures out } that a backbone was not part of his job description. } } You owe the Oracle a bucket, an industrial mop and a clean set of } sheets. --- 1430-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Glorious Oracle, humble supplicant here... > > Please tell me the best way to convince my girlfriend to do special > 'things' when we are in bed...? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you're planning on giving her gifts, don't give her a rose or any of } that other useless aesthetic crap that they sell near the Check-Out } lanes in Jewel-Osco. Roses say "Yeah, you're pretty, but any attempt to } physically contact you in any way other than a gentle caress will cause } massive bleeding". And you don't want that. } } You definitely won't talk her into it. } } When calculating all odds, logically the best choice is to give her a } potato. } } Potatoes are ugly on the outside, but surprisingly delicious on the } inside. However they need to be completed in order for their flavor to } hit maximum potential. You are an incomplete, ugly potato, and she is } the butter, sour cream, and maybe even some of those little bacon bits } that will physically complete you. } } However she'll probably just say something along the lines of "why the } hell are you giving me a potato" while missing the brilliance of its } symbolism. } } If that's the case, get a new girlfriend. The Internet Whoracle is } currently in production, so perhaps that can be a last-ditch attempt on } your part if nothing else works. } } And now that I really have a taste for one, you owe The Oracle a baked } potato. --- 1430-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can you possibly get any weirder? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } At this hour? Well, I could send Zadoc down to neighbor's } and see if he can borrow a cup. But, do you really need } to get any weirder? The Oracle notes that your last girl- } friend left you because of that incident with the swine } pancreas at the laundromat. } } You owe the Oracle some bleach. --- 1430-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's compare that to what I have: } _ } / \ } / \ } | | } \ / } \_/ } =========================================================\ } ==========================================================\ } ===========================================================| } ===========================================================| } ==========================================================/ } =========================================================/ } / \ } / \ } | | } \ / } \_/ } } Now, do you still wonder why Lisa prefers me and not you? } } You owe the Oracle courier, with a really large font size.