From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Dec 3 09:36:24 2007 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.80) with ESMTP id lB3EaN0a012550; Mon, 3 Dec 2007 09:36:23 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id lB3EaNDj012548; Mon, 3 Dec 2007 09:36:23 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 3 Dec 2007 09:36:23 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200712031436.lB3EaNDj012548@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1428 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1428 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1428 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 03 Dec 2007 09:36:12 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1428 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1423 41 votes 7aba3 25eaa 0b8e8 1cae4 12hba 27aca 07bda 79f82 2a7f7 39ca7 1423 3.3 mean 2.8 3.5 3.5 3.2 3.7 3.5 3.6 2.7 3.4 3.2 --- 1428-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is this real? Note that the little guy could probably get his head bit > off by the big one. > > http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/07_01/TallSmall2AP_468x391.jpg And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, it's for real, all right. We had to tweak Yoda a tad to make him } look a little less ... unusual, but he's shaped up to be a great } basketball coach. Apparently, there's no NBA rule against levitating } the ball, although doing it to the opposition players is considered a } foul. } } You own the Oracle some massage lotion for a cricked neck. --- 1428-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most beamish Oracle, please enlighten this, your > humble supplicant! > > We recently received with a shipment of hardware, > one thousand unwanted CDs -- a hundred packages of ten, > none of which we can use, since all we need is the > registered license off the box cover. > > What should we do with a thousand useless CDs? > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Repackage and sell them as Britteny Spears albums. No one will notice. --- 1428-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > IM' CHARGIN MY LAZOR!! > > SHOOP-DA-WHOOP!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Whooped this time for sure. } } You owe the Oracle a } } lower } case --- 1428-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "Kirk to Enterprise. Beam me up, Scotty." > > "In a second, Captain. I've got to scroll through all the make-money > ads first." > > What if the International Space Station ran on Windows? > > NOOOO! I WANT TO LIVE!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has a confession to make. } } It's all my fault, well, me, Bacchus, and Loki to be precise. } } We'd been helping Bacchus move into his new digs, and then he'd } done the old water-into-wine trick, and we sat around drinking and } shooting the breeze... Long story short, the topic of Mortals came } up, and how they'd cope with Omniscience, so for a bet we picked a } Mortal at random and gave him The Gift. } } Poor old Gene Roddenberry never knew what hit him. His puny Mortal } brain just couldn't cope with all that information, and some primitive } defense mechanisms cut in to discard 95% of what was received, the } remaining 5% was hopelessly garbled. } } The bet settled, we withdrew The Gift a few seconds later, and } Roddenberry was left with confused fragmentary memories of his vision } of the Operating Systems Wars of the early 21st century. These became } the basis for the Star Trek series... } } The Federation with its slick, user-friendly technology represened } Macintosh owners. The cool, logical, technologically advanced } Vulcans of course represented Linux users. And the Windows users, } with their inelegant technology which never seemed to work properly, } and left them in a constant state of rage, became the Klingons. } } You owe The Oracle a tribble sandwich. --- 1428-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, do you ever get the feeling that if the person you love > absolutely and more than anything else in the world dies, and you then > meet someone else you love just as much, you'll only be 1/the square > root of 2, or 70% as happy as before? > > And if you thought you couldn't possibly love a person more, and then > meet someone else you love just as much, your capacity to love will > only be increased to the square root of 2, or 1.41 times? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You know what they say: the only thing better than a theory is a } theorem. } } TIO's Theorem on the Quanitfication of Love* } Let Q be a rational number both less than and greater than zero. Let L } be your ability to love. Let S be the set of people you love, } represented as fractions where the numerator is how much you love them } and the denominator is zero if they are dead, or 1 if they are alive. } But fractions are not defined if the denominator is zero, so they must } all be alive. Hmm. Okay, let S2 be the set of all corpses you love. } You sick freak. Let X, Y, and Z, be real numbers. Let M be a } non-negative integer, N be a whole number, and O be either a positive } integer or zero. Let C be a cat. C will play no further part in this } theorem. Let A, B, and C be either cardinal numbers greater than the } continuum or rational numbers between nullity and unity, such that when } you perform a highly contrived series of operations you get nine, the } original number, and your secret card, respectively. Let p and q be } small mirrors, not visible to the reader of this proof. Let epsilon be } a number greater than zero. Let lambda be a number less than zero. } Let capitol gamma be a triangle with at least two sides not equal. Let } her go. Let either R or L be a mysterious but tragic character from a } children's book. Let both F and F' be functions. Suppose A is a } cigar. Suppose H is any horse. But Q is both less and greater than } zero, which is a contradiction, therefore A is not a cigar. A horse is } not a cigar, so suppose A=C. Close, but no cigar. So H is not a } horse. A horse can neigh, but this is not a horse, so let me say nay. } } *The oracle would offer a precise formula as well, but this footnote is } too small to contain it. } } You owe the oracle an invitation to either lawsuit (assuming you're } providing a catered dinner for all your guests). I'm sick of all these } weddings. --- 1428-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Okay, so now they're making the spoofed email headers from tommorrow, > rather than the usual 2036 or next year, thinking I'm too stupid to > notice. > > Did the ancients have an equivalent for spam? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } CARVS MARCVS } SVM IBI IN AFRICA SINE PECVNIA. } NVNC DONA ET MITTA MIHI SISTERCES DCCXL AD AGENTVM NOMINE GVIDO IN } PALERMO. } } AMATA TIBI } CLEO --- 1428-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Stultifying Oracle, your answers remind me that I do not know what to > think of them. > > My preacher says that in some far off place there is a well so holy > that if dead people drink from it they get better. My girlfriend left > me and my dog died. Where is the well? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Aha, so that's why the cat's had so little luck catching the birds in } my birdbath. Where did I make Zadoc fill this again? } } Only a fool would assume that you were trying to make your dog drink } from this well, which is clearly impossible. It's already dead so you } can't even lead it to water, let alone make it drink. However, I } notice you mention your girlfriend, which wouldn't be relevant in that } case. Thinking well of my supplicants, I'll assume you're relevant in } your question. I could deduce, and then redundantly confirm through } omniscience your actual plan. That would be less fun. Let us } contemplate possible plans and their pros and cons. } } Plan: Commit suicide, and then you can visit if you ever change your } mind. } Pros: Entering heaven (ignoring suicide issues), you might become less } depressed. Alternatively, it might be so mind-numbingly dull you'd do } anything to leave. A win-win situation. } Cons: Plan is dubious, unless well is in heaven as well as earth, and } why would you be contemplating suicide if heaven is earth? } } Plan: Assuming their existence, become a zombie/vampire, lead all other } zombies/vampires in a cult suicide, and then return self to life. } Pros: Rids the world of undead, return world-renowned champion, avoid } nasty kool-aid. } Cons: Undead is a clear rephrasing of "life", and thus well is unlikely } to work. Your book about the subject would be deemed unoriginal and } sell badly. This plan would probably not appeal to said girlfriend. } } Plan: Drink from the well in hopes that it will make you so vibrantly } alive your girlfriend will take you back. } Pros: Could additionally return life to certain other areas that may } have accelerated breakup. } Cons: Drinking from pools in hopes of positive random effects ring any } danger bells? } } Plan: Put your girlfriend in danger, raise her to life after. } Pros: Girlfriend will be thankful to her savior for the rest of her } life. } Cons: There's a good risk she'll be saved by a superhero first and } never commit. Also, depending on religious sect, does your preacher } have an ideal girlfriend? } } Plan: Revenge on girlfriend via army of raised soldiers. } Pros: Girlfriend unlikely to raise counterarmy. } Cons: Quartering soldiers is illegal in the United States. Food and } housing have to come from somewhere (unless you're REALLY heartless). } Also, high risk of maniacal laughter. } } Plan: Restore your girlfriend's long-lost brother/great-aunt/parakeet } to live } Pros: This one might win over your girlfriend without making you live } in eternal guilt. } Cons: Long-lost means there's probably not much left to make drink. } } Plan: Restore your dog to life, and win a showdog competition. } Pros: Chicks totally dig cute dogs. } Cons: Your dog is unlikely to be cute after being physically dragged } around, deceased, to "far away", dropped down a well, and brought back } to life (to say nothing of the fleas). Similarly, your dog is unlikely } to win the dog show. } } Overall, it seems like your best bet is to bury your dog like a normal } person and move on. } } You owe the Oracle a map of Milford, Ohio. --- 1428-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Have you ever heard of origami being called powerful? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course! Come with me, and I'll show you the secret power of... } } *CLONK!* } } > Ow! What the hell was that? } } That was the power of origami! } } > You hit me with a rolled-up newspaper! } } A *folded*-up newspaper, thank you. } } > But that's not what origami is! } } Sure it is. That's what the word means: fold, paper. } } > But it... you're supposed to use only one piece of paper! } } Oh, fine. One piece. Watch. } } *slash!* } } > Aargh! } } What now? } } > You gave me a paper cut! } } So? Oh, right, you wanted it folded first. There. } } *slish!* } } > Hey! Stop that! } } Do you want me to show you the power of origami or not? } } > That's not what it is! You're supposed to fold it into special } > shapes, not assault me with it. } } Then I shall show you a paper masterpiece, a truly powerful work of } art... there! } } > That's a paper plane. Any five-year-old can do that. } } *poke!* } } > Will you stop that! } } No pleasing you, is there? Okay, I'll make something that will shut you } up for good. Just need to fold it like so... all done! } } > It's just a ball. What's so great about-- } } *stuff!* } } > Mmph! Mmmmph! Cmmnf brfff! } } And there you have the power of origami. } } *thump!* } } You owe the Oracle a thousand cranes. Not the paper sort. --- 1428-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Filmed at over half million frames per second, here is a snapshot of } the roadrunner. Note the relativistic effects. --- 1428-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank you, kind supplicant. } } You cannot know how pleased I am to receive a question that does not } contain insults, tests of the Oracle's ability, false and insincere } grovellings, or woodchucks. } } You also cannot get an answer unless you ask a question with something } actually in it.