From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Nov 7 16:02:35 2007 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/IUCS_2.80) with ESMTP id lA7L2ZmI025519; Wed, 7 Nov 2007 16:02:35 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/Submit) id lA7L2ZqM025517; Wed, 7 Nov 2007 16:02:35 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 7 Nov 2007 16:02:35 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200711072102.lA7L2ZqM025517@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1427 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1427 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1427 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 07 Nov 2007 16:02:23 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1427 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1422 47 votes 3fba8 388j9 9af94 5bge1 77kb2 35kc7 29ia8 4bd9a 77jb3 54dcd 1422 3.1 mean 3.1 3.5 2.8 2.9 2.9 3.3 3.3 3.2 2.9 3.5 --- 1427-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can God be everywhere or omnipresent? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sometimes things like this seem difficult at first. All that's needed } is a little bit of faith and ingenuity. Try this experiment: } } 1. Look underneath your bed. He isn't there, right? } } 2. Look behind the fridge. He's not there either. } } 3. Apply your faith, and then think--when you're looking behind the } fridge, He's underneath your bed! You see, He's omnipotent. That means } He's very good at things like hiding when He doesn't want to play your } silly games. } } You owe the Big Guy three Hail Marys and a Paternoster. --- 1427-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why would Jabba the Hutt like bipedal females? > > His attraction should be more of to other slimy, wormlike, obese, > multiton, bus-sized females. > > And Hutts are hermaphrodites. > > How could a weak human manage to strangle him/her/it anyway? With that > kind of physiology, 600 years as a crime mogul should teach you not to > let that kind of thing happen. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yeah, but then... there was the metal bra to consider. --- 1427-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the most number of cockroaches you've seen in your kitchen at > one time? > > I've seen about 20. > > Most number of females: 3 > > Most number of adults: maybe 5-6 > > Most number of heads touching each other at the same time (of course it > was about food):4 > > Least number of legs: 5 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm not one to see cockroaches in a kitchen. Now supplicant, I believe } you have a bit of a health problem. I have supplied you with a test } to find out. } } HEALTH TEST } } How many cockroaches have you seen in your kitchen in one time? } } A. Over 40. } } B. 40-20 } } C. 19-0 } } D. Cockroaches in ze kitchen? Nevar! I spit at them! Ptooie! } } Have you ever opened your fridge to find that there was more mold on } your food then there was food? } } A. That was mold? I thought it was just extra food! } } B. Yeah, I have mold, but not more mold then food. } } C. I've found mold at times, but always throw it out immediately. } } D. Mold? I bite my thumb at mold! No mold in MY kitchen! } } Do you shower often? } } A. I removed my shower long ago for a plasma screen. Now I can watch } Football without having to wait for halftime! } } B. Weekly. But I use deodorant if I start to smell. } } C. Daily. I have to keep clean. } } D. I shower as much as I brush my teeth. Before and after meals, } and on occasion during long meals. } } Do all of the health inspectors hide when they see you? } } A. Yes, Reg and the guys seem to have a problem with me. } } B. I'm not on good terms with them, but they don't walk across the } street to avoid me. } } C. Health Inspectors are good people! Just talk to one. } } D. Foolish englize mahn, I AM ze healf inspectah! } } A = 3, B = 2, C = 1, D = 0. Tally up your answers. Add 3 if you had } to clean the dirt off the screen to finish the letter. } } 0-3: You must be a french chef. Or something. Either way, you don't } need this test. } } 4-9: You're a normal human being, not overly obsessively clean, } but just right. } } 10-12: You need a little help, but you're still doing okay. Just wash } behind the ears and febreze the place a bit and you'll be up to } standards in no time. } } 13-16: You are doing bad. Get up and go clean the place. Try and see } the floor in most of the rooms. Take a shower. Call in your sister } or something. } } 16+: Radio-active waste cringes at your very presence. You need } serious help. Call a high class maid service, even if it means giving } up KFC for a while. --- 1427-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most Thrifty and Affluent, > pray tell me and enlighten me: > > What will be the last payment (in any form of money), > and what will its receipient do with the proceeds? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I have taken the liberty of interpreting money as meaning "any form } of token or object which, although itself valueless, is accepted in } place of bartered goods to facilitate the trading process". Sorry if } this is a bit woolly, but you wouldn't believe what some cultures } use for money! For instance, the Quaalor of Aldebaran IV have a } currency based on breathing on each other, the smellier your breath, } the better. You don't want to be without a gasmask when visiting } their equivalent of the NYSE during a bull market, I can tell you! } Meanwhile, here on earth, certain Pacific islanders use replicas of } Prince Philip's penis gourd. } } But I digress. The very last ever transaction involving any form of } money (according to the above definition) will proceed as follows... } } The Place: THE PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN } } The Time: 23 MINUTES BEFORE THE HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE } } Dramatis Personae: THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY SAINT PETER, KEEPER OF THE } KEYS SATAN, THE GREAT ADVERSARY SCUMSPAWN, LACKEY TO THE AFOREMENTIONED } THE COSMONET ORACLE (MY FUTURE INCARNATION) } } Peter: Lord, there is one who seeks an audience. } } Almighty: Announce him. } } Peter: I call on that eternal abomination, fount of all evil, } father of lies, pestilential stench of every conceivable foulness } and corruption... } } Satan: Oi! Less of the name-calling, if you don't mind! I'm here } on business. } } Almighty: What can I do for you, Lucifer? } } Satan: There, see? It doesn't hurt to be polite. Yeah, I'll tell } you what it is, JH - I've got the cost of readmission to Heaven. } Renewing my subscription to Paradise, so to speak. It took me ages } to scrape it together, and all! } } Almighty: You have it with you? } } Satan: I do. Scumspawn, hand me that plastic carrier bag, if you } would be so kind. } } Scumspawn: At once, my liege. } } Satan: Thank you. Here we go, Boss - ten duotrigintillion souls. } That's a googol to the rest of you. As we agreed, I believe? } } Almighty: Indeed so. Welcome back to the fold. } } Satan: Thanks. Careful they don't fall out - I had to poke some holes } in the bag to let the air in. } } Peter: I'm not going to have to share my apartment with him, am I? } } Almighty: As we're all about to disappear in a puff of leptons in } sixteen minutes time, I don't think it'll come to that. } } Satan: Yeah, so let's hurry it up, shall we? Where's my halo and } white robe? } } (The Almighty beckons some angels to step forward and kit Satan out.) } } Satan: There, that's better. How do I look, Scumspawn? } } Scumspawn: Well, sire, what with a few white feathers glued to your } bat wings and your horns poking through that paper halo, you look, } um... a bit of a pranny, actually. } } Satan: Yeah? Well, who asked you anyway? } } Scumspawn: You did, great one. } } Satan: Bollock I did. } } (NB: This was not the last ever payment - bear with me a little } longer.) } } Peter: But, Lord, how are we going to process a googol souls in quarter } of an hour? They face oblivion without the benefit of salvation! } } Satan: Yeah, the joke's on you, Boss, if you don't mind me saying. } I got back into Heaven for free, because those souls aren't worth } squat now. Ha ha! } } Almighty: Oh, I don't know. Orrie? } } Oracle: Yeah? } } Almighty: That little wager we had. What was the payout again? } } Oracle: Lemme see... With compound interest over 45 billion years, } umm... say, ten duotrigintillion souls, give or take. } } Almighty: That's what I make it too. Here you are. } } Oracle: Thanks. } } Almighty: I still don't know how you figured it would be the woman } that picked the apple. I'd have bet my pension on the man - I made } him especially stupid. } } Oracle: That was your mistake. He was too dumb to learn snake language. } } Almighty: D'oh! } } Satan: So what the Hell do you want with a shedload of used souls? } You're not even a proper deity! } } Oracle: Watch and learn, young man. First, I'll just pour them out } onto the floor here. Now, could you all please sort yourselves into } orderly ranks? Come on, come on, we haven't got all day! We haven't } even got a small fraction of the day. Here, you two - stop lounging } around and help me arrange these souls. } } (Saint Peter and Scumspawn sheepishly help get the souls into } formation.) } } Peter: So what was your name before the Fall? } } Scumspawn: Florizel. } } Peter: I'd stick with Scumspawn if I was you. } } Scumspawn: Yeah, I think I shall. } } (The work is finally completed.) } } Oracle: Drat! Only 39 seconds left - we're going to have to do this } without a practice run. Peter, will you hold this sign for me, please? } A bit straighter... that's it. Okay, now listen everybody! I said, } listen! On the count of three, I want you all to shout out what's } written on the sign that Peter's holding, got it? One! And two! And... } } Ten duotrigintillion souls: G E O R G E B U S H I S A T W O N K ! ! ! } } Oracle: (Sigh) It was worth waiting half an eternity just to hear tha --- 1427-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What if like ants have sentience, but it is a form or layer of > sentience so below that of us, that we cannot even recognize it, > and those ants see us as deities? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lisa? Look what I have found here... } } > What if like ants have sentience, but it is a form or layer of } > sentience so below that of us, that we cannot even recognize it, } > and those ants see us as deities? } } Hm... looks like those ants in my ant farm have learned how to write! --- 1427-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MARK LAWRENCE The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Mighty Oracle, please answer humble question "What is the meaning > of life?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. If a living cell has two or three living neighbors, it lives. } Fewer, and it dies of loneliness; more, and it dies of overcrowding. } } 2. A dead cell comes back to life, if, and only if, it has three } living neighbors. } } And those are the facts of life. } } You owe the Oracle your dictionary, so I can put it to better use. --- 1427-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hail, sage Oracle, whose very thoughts weave and unravel whole > universes just for your own sport. (And that's just what you get up to > before breakfast!) > > Hear my plea, mighty Oracle, and graciously answer my question. Why is > my baby daughter obsessed with buttons? Buttons on clothes, buttons on > keyboards and calculators, everything. Why do they fascinate her so? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Remember your reaction when she hit the powerbutton of your computer? } } Well, that's the funniest thing she ever saw. --- 1427-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh great and cheesy oracle... > > cheese is a favourite of mine, and I like it on potatoes. > > Could you please give me a simple Potatoes Au Gratin recipe? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm glad you asked! I don't often get to tell people this, but I really } enjoy cooking. In my temple, I have priests and other volunteers that } take care of almost every chore - but I usually do the cooking myself, } especially if we're having steak and potatoes. Au Gratin Potatoes is } one of my favorite side dishes, and I've even been known to add some } beef and turn it into a main course! That recipe doesn't have a name, } though. } } But I digress. You wanted a recipe, and you shall have one! There are } literally millions of different recipes for Potatoes Au Gratin. That's } because "au gratin" is more-or-less French for "with cheese." So any } recipe that combines potatoes with cheese can be- } } } I knew that. But do you have a simple recipe? } } *Sigh.* Yes, of course; you don't want the history, just a recipe. } Okay. Here's one of my favorites: } } Cheesy Potatoes Au Gratin } ------------------------- } The ingredients are: } 1 pound of Idaho Potatoes, peeled and thinly sliced. } (that's about 2 very large potatoes) } 4 ounces of Cheddar Cheese (grated or shredded) } 3/4 cup Heavy Cream } Salt, Pepper, Garlic Powder, and Onion Powder to taste } First, preheat your oven to 400 degrees. } Lightly grease a medium gratin dish with butter. } Cover the bottom of the pan with an overlapping layer of potatoes. } Lightly season with the salt, pepper, garlic powder and onion powder, } and top it with a sprinkling (about 2 tablespoons) of cheese. Then make } another layer of potatoes, seasoning and cheese, and then another, } until you've used all of the potatoes; be sure to keep some cheese for } the top layer. } Now pour the cream over the potatoes; press lightly with your hands to } cover the potatoes with cream. } Cover the dish with aluminum foil and bake until the cheese is absorbed } into the potatoes and the potatoes are tender when pierced with a knife } (this takes about 50 minutes). } Remove the foil and bake about 10 more minutes, until the mixture is } bubbly and the top is golden brown. } Remove from the oven and let it rest at least 10 minutes before } serving. } } } Wow. } } Sounds great, huh? } } } Um... it's probably delicious, but... } } But? } } } I wanted a SIMPLE recipe. } } What's so complicated? The layers? } } } I guess so. } } Okay, okay. Don't worry; I have others. Let me think... Ah! I have } another fine recipe. } } Recipe #2: Potatoes Gratin } -------------------------- } 3 1/4-pound Potatoes } 1/3 cup Gruyere Cheese, shredded } 3 cups Chicken Broth, or Vegetable Broth } 1/2 teaspoon Ground Nutmeg } 1/2 teaspoon Freshly Ground Black Pepper } First, preheat your oven to 425 degrees. } Peel potatoes and cut into 1/8" slices. } Put the potatoes into a casserole and shake to settle potatoes down. } Mix broth and spices and pour over potatoes. } Bake until potatoes are very tender (1 to 1 1/2 hours). } As potatoes get dry on top, tilt casserole and baste with broth. } Sprinkle potatoes evenly with cheese and bake until cheese melts. } Let casserole sit 5 to 10 minutes to allow juice to soak into potatoes. } } } Oh my. } } Better, huh? No layers. } } } Yeah, but... } } What's wrong now? } } } It still seems like a lot of work... you have to keep basting it! } } Not simple enough, huh? } } } Have you got something even simpler? } } Sure I do. In most of my potato recipes, once you start baking you } don't have to do anything until it's almost done. Here's another fine } recipe: } } Recipe #3: Au Gratin Potatoes } ----------------------------- } 5 cups (about 5 medium) peeled, sliced, raw potatoes } 1 cup shredded cheddar } 1/2 cup freshly grated parmesan cheese } 1/4 cup butter or margarine } 1/4 cup flour } 1/2 tsp. salt } 2 cups milk } 1/4 cup dry bread crumbs } 1 Tbs. melted butter or margarine } First, preheat your oven to 350 degrees. } In a medium saucepan, melt margarine, stir in flour and salt. } Add milk and cook until mixture boils and thickens, stirring } constantly. Stir in cheeses and potatoes. } Pour into a 2 qt casserole or individual casserole dishes. } Combine bread crumbs and melted margarine/butter, sprinkle over } potatoes. } Bake covered for 1 to 1 1/2 hours or until bubbly and potatoes tender. } Garnish with chopped chives if desired. } } } But it's still a lot of work! } } Which part - adding the chopped chives? You can skip that step. } } } No, not that... just... well, you have to cook the sauce first, and } } then there's still more cooking. } } So you'd prefer to have only one step that involves heating anything } up? } } } Yeah. Do you have anything like that? } } Of course I do. Like I say, there are millions of different recipes - } and since I'm omniscient, I know them all. Here's one that's not as } tasty, but it's very simple to make: } } Recipe #4: Parmesan Potato Gratin } --------------------------------- } 4 large russet potatoes peeled and thinly sliced } 6 tablespoons freshly grated parmesan cheese } 1 teaspoon salt } 1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper } 1 large clove garlic finely chopped } 1-1/2 cups chicken stock } Preheat oven to 400. } Lightly grease oval gratin dish and arrange a layer of potatoes on } bottom. } Sprinkle with salt, pepper, 1/3 garlic and 2 tablespoons cheese. } Repeat twice more and pour over stock. } Bake until potatoes are tender, about 45 minutes. } } } It seems like in every one of these recipes you have to slice } } potatoes! } } Well, yeah. These recipes are for POTATOES Au Gratin, right? } } } But I remember when my mom used to make them, the potatoes were } } already... um... } } Some of my recipes use pre-packaged hash browns, instead of fresh } potatoes. } } } Yeah! That's a good idea. } } Okay, here's one you might like. } } Recipe #5: Potato Au Gratin } --------------------------- } 1 pkg of hash browns } 2 cups grated cheddar cheese } 1/2 cup margarine } 1 can cream of chicken soup, undiluted } 2 cups sour cream } 2 tbsp onion or onion flakes } 1 tsp pepper } Preheat oven to 350. } Melt margarine in a bowl in the microwave. } Remove and add soup and sour cream and blend well. } Stir in onion, pepper and cheese. } Fold in hash browns until well mixed. } Put in greased 9 x 13 baking dish and bake for 1 hour. } Make sure hash browns are cooked in center. } Can be made ahead and frozen. } } } An hour? } } Yes... } } } Have you got anything that cooks quicker? } } Why don't you ask your mom for her recipe? } } } She thinks I can't make potatoes without her help. I want to prove } } something to her. } } Okay, fine. Here's one that cooks in 35 to 40 minutes: } } Recipe #6: Au Gratin Taters } --------------------------- } 2 pounds frozen hash browns - partially thawed } 4 oz. cheddar cheese } 2 sticks of butter (1/2 pound) } 2 cups- } } } Wait a minute. 40 minutes? Haven't you got anything that cooks in } } 20 minutes or less? } } *Sigh.* Of course I do. Okay, here we go. } } Recipe #7: Au Gratin Potatoes } ----------------------------- } 4 cups peeled and thinly sliced potatoes } 1 cup- } } } "Thinly sliced potatoes?" } } Whoops. My mistake. Okay, let me think for a minute. } } When you say you want a "simple" recipe, you mean: } 1) You don't want to slice any potatoes } 2) You don't want to have different layers } 3) You don't want to have two different heating steps } 4) It has to cook in 20 minutes or less } Right? } } } Yeah! Have you got anything like that? } } I sure do, if you don't need "gourmet" quality. } } Recipe #8: Betty Crocker Potatoes Au Gratin } ------------------------------------------- } 1 package Betty Crocker Potatoes Au Gratin } 1/4 stick of butter or margarine } 1 cup milk } Combine all ingredients (except the cardboard) into a casserole dish. } Cook at 375 degrees for 20 minutes. } } } Perfect! Hey, I think that's the same recipe my mom uses! } } Thanks, Oracle! You're fantastic! } } I knew we'd get there eventually. } } You owe the Oracle a "simple recipe" for lasagna (no boiling noodles, } no different layers, only one heating step, 20 minutes or less) that } doesn't need an oven or a microwave, and doesn't involve anything } frozen. --- 1427-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh infinite level Oracle, whose orcs never drop useless stuff! > > What would a Britney Spears/Mozart crossover be like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Would still have eleven years left, but the music would be missing. --- 1427-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I need to know about the rules of politeness and adequate. > > When my boss is talking to a customer, it's not polite > to interrupt for any reason except maybe his hair is on > fire, right? > > And if my boss is standing in my way when I'm trying to > rush around doing the stuff he told me to get done by > noon, I should say, "Excuse me, please, could you let me > by?" rather than just rudely pushing him out of the way, > right? > > What should I do when I'm working on the rush order for > our important customer, Hugh Huge, and my boss is standing > in the corridor talking to Mr. Huge? Their combined bulk > makes it impossible for me to get past. Here are the > methods I've thought of: > > 1. Push through. > 2. Say, "EXCUSE ME, I'm working on a special order for Mr. Huge!" > 3. Sit on the floor until they notice me. > 4. Whimper, ditto. > 5. Flap my arms until I can fly over them. > > Is there some other technique I've overloonked? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're a hard worker, Supplicant, but you lack imagination! } } 1) run around with your arms outstretched on either side of you. Make } plane noises. "Fly" towards Hugh. If he moves, great, you got } through. If he doesn't, crash into him and say, while looking at your } boss, "well, we survived. But now we'll likely need to eat each other } to stay alive." } } 2) Tussle your hair, walk towards them with a limp and a glazed look } in your eye, all the while moaning. "Braaaiinns." } } 3) Hold a fake gun (thumb and forefinger would do in a pinch) to your } head. Walk towards them, shouting, "Move it now or this employee gets } it!" (a la Blazing Saddles). } } 4) Create a distraction by throwing your cubicle neighbor out the } window. } } 5) Ride up to them on an imaginary horse (use coconuts for sound } effects if you have the means), and demand passage "Or you'll have } your leg" } } 6) Getting a fishing pole. Tie a donut on the end of the fishing } string. Cast for bloated trout in their direction. } } You owe the Oracle (Incarnated in derFletchMeister) a red stapler.