From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sun Oct 7 20:43:34 2007 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/IUCS_2.80) with ESMTP id l980hXw1025818; Sun, 7 Oct 2007 20:43:33 -0400 (EDT) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/Submit) id l980hXZj025816; Sun, 7 Oct 2007 20:43:33 -0400 (EDT) Date: Sun, 7 Oct 2007 20:43:33 -0400 (EDT) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200710080043.l980hXZj025816@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1426 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1426 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1426 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 07 Oct 2007 20:43:22 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1426 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1421 42 votes 28gc4 6ada3 2abd6 3aeb4 28n81 389e8 27cf6 4jc52 09bbb 25dca 1421 3.2 mean 3.2 2.9 3.3 3.1 3.0 3.4 3.4 2.6 3.6 3.5 --- 1426-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle of the internet, who is more Omnipotent than the oracle of > Aal and slayer of W**dc****'s numerous by an infinite percentile I beg > of you to answer me this: > What would go on during a gladiatorial match between Ra, God, Vishnu, > Zeus, Odin, The Jade emperor and Allah? And what would happen if Your > Omnipotentness were to partake in this battle royale? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Get this straight... I am OMNISCIENT. That means all-knowing. I am most } decidedly not OMNIPOTENT, or all-powerful. If I were actually } omnipotent, I would not be running this answer-by-the-numbers racket. } } If I were both omniscient and omnipotent, then Big G, Who is both of } those, would have nothing to do. Indeed, I would chew Him up and spit } Him out, as I am semi-infinitely younger than Him. But I would be } stuck, as He currently is, with the Problem of Evil. That is, He not } only knows what is wrong with the world, but has the power to fix it, } and so why doesn't He? } } I am, however, quite omniscient enough to avoid partaking in the silly } battle that you suggest. Final score: Oracle one, Supplicant zero. --- 1426-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Huge and Tiny but incredibly plentiful Oracle, you were absent for > several weeks. Where were you? > > Oh, and do not let me forget to grovel. There, I've squinched my own > nose deep into the rapidly hardening concrete that surrounds your new > bird-bath. Birds can relieve themselves upon me whenever you need proof > of your all-too-obvious superiority. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (Hushed voices talking: } older male: Wake him up, there's another question. } younger female: He needs his rest. } older male: He can rest when the answers have been given. } younger female: But he's still recovering! } older male: And it will be much worse if he doesn't answer. } younger female: Well, you wake him.) } } Zadoc crawls in with an envelope in his mouth, looking not at all } like Maggie Gyllenhaal. Dropping the envelope on a bedside table, } he speaks, "Master, there is another question, just arrived." } } From the bed, unseen under the pillows and blankets comes a slight } moan. Then a muffled, "Can't you just deal with it?" } } Zadoc starts, "Master," but pauses. } } The blankets start to move. "Very well." A hand appears and pulls } the envelope into the bed. } } Moments pass. Zadoc asks, "Master?" } } From the bed, the Oracle speaks, "Take this down and give it to the } supplicant. And get it right, because I'm not going to repeat myself. } } "The Oracle welcomes your questions and relishes the opportunity to } answer each one personally. The rumors surrounding his disappearance, } that it was an escape effort or an attempt to reneg on binding } contracts with the Creators of the Universe, are totally } unsubstantiated and could not be further from the truth. Any hints } that the Oracle gets tired of answering questions eternally are lies } spread to discredit the Oracle and diminish his sterling reputation. } Furthermore there is no truth whatsoever to the claims that the } Creators turned the Staff of Zot on the Oracle for failure to comply, } and any YouTube videos you may have seen purporting to be just that } are fabrications. } } "The Oracle has not gone anywhere and any difficulties in reaching } him recently have been purely technical snafus. Your contribution to } the birdbath has been noted and be sufficent payment for this } question." } } Zadoc finishes writing all of that down, puts the paper in his mouth, } and crawls from the room. After the door closes the Oracle quietly } mumbles "Cursed creature. 'Eternal servant!' 'Eternal Whipping-boy!' } Yes, but no one ever mentioned 'eternal spy', too, did they?" --- 1426-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and wonderful Oracle... What, exactly, is "cool"? What are its > properties and dimensions? My roommate is getting desperate. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My dear supplicant, } } Cool is as large as your ego, but smaller than your pride } It is more vast than your wardrobe but smaller than your jacket. } It is broader than your attitude but narrower than your outlook. } It is newer than your slang, but older than your words. } } It is what it is. } } Just remember, that black never truly goes out of style. } } You owe the Oracle a high five, or whatever you crazy kids think is hip } nowadays. --- 1426-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O magnificent Oracle, all-knowing (omniscient) and incapable of error > (infallible): > > Aha! I caught you in an error! > > In Oracularity 1424-05, you wrote: > > } We at Oracular Consulting are overjoyed to hear of your decision > } to utilize our services, as we of course new you would. > > That should be "knew", not "new"! > > You also wrote (in that same Oracularity): > > } 84.2015% of the US population has a land-line telephone in the house. > > But this is wrong. According to the Cato Institute, "Today more than > 98 percent of American homes have a telephone, electricity, and a flush > toilet." (my source: http://www.cato.org/pubs/pas/pa-364es.html -- that > was written in 1999, but surely since then the percentage has gone even > higher, not lower!) > > And you wrote: > > } There are 422144344 telephones in US households. > > But according to the CIA factbook (which you can download from > https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/download/), there are > 172,001,201 telephones in use in the United States! > > If you're omniscient and infallible, how could you have made these > mistakes? That would make you NON-omniscient and NON-infallible > (or is that UN-infallible? Or just FALLIBLE?) But I don't think you > even really exist! You're really just Steve Kinzler pretending to > be the Oracle, but now I've found you out! Ha! Mwa ha ha ha ha! > > Gleefully, > [AllanW] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I do not make mistakes, I simply report false information. The } difference between these two statements is that mistakes imply that } I say something wrong by accident. The truth is, I do it on purpose. } Why, do you ask? It is because I enjoy seeing people waste their } precious time going through website after website searching for } statistics which they use to defy my infallibility. However, as I am } infallible and thus can do no wrong by mistake, I do so on purpose. } } You owe the oracle the missing 250143143 telephones --- 1426-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, wisest of the wise, &c, > > Your web site's "What's New" section's latest entry is from 2001. What > happened to the priests keeping the web site current? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Surely you realize, supplicant, that for a being such as Myself, } "What's New" is a matter of perspective. I have seen so many chants } and grovels of supplicants that the days and centuries phase together. } It took me 200 years once to realize that you supplicants had switched } from the Julian to the Gregorian Calendar! Such foolishness! } } My priests on the other hand, have to fight the spawn of Hell, Inc.: } Bill Gates and his Legion of $pammer$. They stretch as far as the } eye can see and then some. I would help them by ZOTting some of } the hellspawn, but workplace regulations forbid me from accidentally } killing priests. } } You owe the Oracle an application to become a menial US$3.25/hour } code-monkey. You must show Me your exquisite skills with XHTML, CSS, } and Perl, or I will consign you to become Zadoc's menial assistant. --- 1426-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and mighty Oracle, one who knows things of utmost importance > and of insignificance, who saw the universe begin and will see it end, > please answer my most humble question. > > What is the value of 0? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is the first number that was controversial. It has no perfect } physical representation, but so many practical purposes are for it in } accounting and other applied branches of mathematics that I would be } at one with nothing without zero. It's a number that turned out to be } so nearly half of the internet that it seems to be a quarter of the } world to North America and Europe. So, zero is worth about a quarter } of the world. In another sense, zero is a slang term for kamikaze, } and if you think about it, that's a terrorist. Where would humans be } without a nation that didn't threaten global destruction? } } You owe The Internet Oracle a stealthy way to decommision atomic bombs. --- 1426-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > -- > () ascii ribbon campaign - against html e-mail > /\ www.asciiribbon.org And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ------=_Part_1402_28134608.1190905382086 } Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 } Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit } Content-Disposition: inline } } The Oracle discerns no query in this message. } } ------=_Part_1402_28134608.1190905382086 } Content-Type: text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1 } Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit } Content-Disposition: inline } } The Oracle discerns no query in this message.
} } ------=_Part_1402_28134608.1190905382086-- --- 1426-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MARK LAWRENCE The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the biggest misconseption about anime? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That it's good. } } You owe the Oracle the collected works of Tintin and his many } adventures on DVD. --- 1426-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Did you know that 8264 is the number you get if you make the sign of > the cross on a calculator? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle walks into a back room where 18th century French } hairdressers out of work since the revolution are busy calculating } logarithm tables using the method of finite differences. } "There were several errors in the last set of tables you calculated for } me. I am going to ZOT all of you!" the Oracle growls. } The hairdressers all plead for their lives, some of them getting down } on their knees and making the sign of the cross and praying for mercy. } "Nope, don't see the number 8264," mumbles the Oracle as he ZOTs the } 18th century calculators and slams the door behind him. } The Oracle, reasoning that perhaps he checked with the wrong } calculator, tries again. He reaches into his hip holster and pulls out } his Keuffel & Esser slide rule, pulls the slide out and makes a cross } with the two scales: a reads 1.00, b reads 1.00, l reads 0.500, c' } reads 3.16, c reads 3.16. Nope not in that calculator either. } Finally the Oracle decides he should use a modern calculator, since } this question did come from through electronic media and not courier } pigeon. He rummages through his junk drawer until he locates a TI-83 } graphing calculator and enters in sin(x). This returns a continuous } curve oscillating between -1 and 1. } Making one last attempt to understand the supplicant's logic behind his } question the Oracle starts up Mathematica and plots x=0 and y=0 making } a cross. 8,264 doesn't seem to mean anything in this context. The } Oracle adds a z axis and plots z=0. Still not seeing it. He sets } Mathematica to allow for the true 42 dimensions of space time and plots } each axis: 8,264 doesn't stand out, but the origin is well highlighted. } The Oracle walks back to his console and answers: "Of course I knew. I } am the Oracle, I know all." } You owe the Oracle the schematic diagram and blueprints for the } calculator you used to make your cross. --- 1426-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Plethorous Oracle, there are more of you than there is of me. If that's > not a grovel, I don't know what is! > > I wrote to you about how to find a girlfriend and about how to get > rich. Your advice, although lengthy, has not yet been helpful, and I > still lack female companionship and wealth. > > I'm afraid that the only thing left to ask for is fame. > > How do I get to be famous, and what will be the consequences? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First, it's immediately apparent that you have no clue what a grovel } is, nor how to apply one directly to the forehead. } } Way to get famous: | Consequences } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } Get shot by Billy The Kid | You're famous, but you can't enjoy it } | } Host a bad day TV talk show | You're famous, but you're no } | longer allowed to be around } | kids or thinking adults. } | } Complain about TIO's advice | You'll be ZOTted in very famous ways } | } Become an MC for dogfighting | You'll be real famous in prison } | and in PETA commercials } } Hmm... probably best just to stay anonymous, alone and poor. } } You owe the Oracle your autograph.