From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Sep 13 10:28:17 2007 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/IUCS_2.80) with ESMTP id l8DESHW8003449; Thu, 13 Sep 2007 10:28:17 -0400 (EDT) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/Submit) id l8DESHhq003447; Thu, 13 Sep 2007 10:28:17 -0400 (EDT) Date: Thu, 13 Sep 2007 10:28:17 -0400 (EDT) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200709131428.l8DESHhq003447@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1425 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1425 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1425 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 13 Sep 2007 10:28:05 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1425 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1420 45 votes 339ka 15hg6 39gb6 1dcd6 27l78 0bdab 49bh4 68db7 25jd6 17fe8 1420 3.3 mean 3.7 3.5 3.2 3.2 3.3 3.5 3.2 3.1 3.4 3.5 --- 1425-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MARK LAWRENCE The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh almighty Oracle, the meekest of whose thoughts would be enough to > sustain a mere mortal for 15 lifetimes, please answer me this > > How long does a hard-boiled egg stay edible for after boiling? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Indefinitely.* } } *your results may vary. } } You owe the oracle a description of the difference between } ability and recommendation. --- 1425-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've never believed in the Internet Oracle. My faith was in science, > and not in the all-knowingness of the Oracle. But today, something > changed. I saw a sign that made me believe! > > It was And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } /\ } / /\ } / / /\ } / / / \ } / \ \ \ } / / / \ } / / / \ } / \ \ \ } / / / \ } / \ \ \ } / \/ \ } / (\__/) \ } \ /O O `. / } \ (O__, \ / } \ / . . ) / } \ |-| '-' \ / } \ .( _( ) / } \'---.~_ _ _&/ } \ / } \ / } \ / } \ / } \ / } __________\/__________ } | | } | NEXT 42 KMS | } |______________________| --- 1425-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do me a favor? Pretend you're really scared of me? Please? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Okay, you're scary. Here's how I deal with fear: } } Gah! *ZOT!* } } There, wasn't that fun? } } You owe the Oracle therapy. --- 1425-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I went to Sunday School today and the teacher taught us all about > Noah's Arc. He explained in great detail how Noah built an Arc, and > put two of every plant and animal of the earth on it. Then he > dramatically described how they survived the fierce 40 days and 40 > nights of the great flood. > > So I asked him "Am I to believe that Noah was able to collect all > 2.5 million species of plants and animals from all over the earth, and > put them all on one small arc that he built himself by hand? ALL of > them?! What about the ones that can only survive in hot humid climates? > Or the ones that can only survive in extremely cold dry climates? What > about the ones that can only survive in the thin air above 12,000 feet? > And how about the ones that can only survive in the extreme pressures in > the depths of the ocean? Don't forget; there are some that can only > survive around volcanic vents, how did he keep them alive? How do you > feed 2.5 million different species, when many of them have very > specialized diets and can only survive on certain types of food? That > many animals are going to produce a lot of XXXX, how did he handle all > of that?" > > Then the teacher said "Well I know he did it because the good book > says so, and I believe it." > > Oracle; you seem pretty level headed. Should I believe the story > he's telling me, or is it a load of XXXX? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } God spoke to Noah, saying, "Men are very wicked, and I have decided to } do away with them. But you are righteous, so you shall be saved." And } Noah said, "Wow. What are you going to do with the rest then? Plague? } Rains of fire?" } } And God said, "No, I shall command a great flood. It shall rain for } forty days and forty nights." Noah said, "Yeah? And what am I going to } do for all this time? How am I going to escape drowning?" And God said, } "You shall build an Ark. And you shall build it three hundred cubits in } length, and fifty in breadth, and thirty in height." } } And Noah said, "Say what? That's bloody enormous! How am I going to } build something that big? Where will I get that much wood? I can't } afford that much wood, and it'll take me months to cut that many trees. } And speaking of which, what's going to happen to all the plants and } animals? Are they all going to snuff it?" And God said, "No, that's the } other thing. I need you to get two of every bird and animal and plant, } and store them on your Ark." } } And Noah said, "Yeah, right. While I'm busy clear-cutting and sawing } and making sure this damn Ark's watertight, I've also got to traipse } all over the place and capture animals and take plant samples and } whatever, all to put on this Ark. And you expect me to fit them all in? } Even if I could build it as big as you wanted it, which I can't, } there's no way I'm fitting them all in there. Did you think about how } much they all weigh? What about keeping them alive? How do I stop the } carnivores snacking on the other animals? How much feed do I need to } stop all the plants being eaten? How do I manage all the different } survival needs of these bloody things? Seriously, wouldn't it be much } simpler for me to just move to higher ground?" } } And God took a deep breath and said, "No, that won't help. The flood } will reach the highest mountaintops." } } And Noah said, "Pull the other one. In forty days, you're going to make } it rain enough to cover mountains? Have you any idea how fast the water } would need to rise for that to happen? How is any boat going to stay } afloat in that? Where the hell are you getting this much water from, } anyway? Where's it all going to go when the rain stops? If this is } going to cover the whole world, does that mean I have to go and collect } animals from places completely unknown to me? And when all this is } over, I'll have to return them to where they came from? And what about } genetic depth? If you're starting again from two individuals, within a } few generations everything will be so mutated it won't survive long } anyway. Did you think this plan out at all? If you're so bloody clever, } Mr. Wonderful, why can't you sort this mess out yourself?" } } And God said, "Nuts to this." And he did smite Noah and all the other } humans, and started afresh, with someone who hopefully wouldn't talk } back so much. But he put in the story about the flood anyway just to } cover his tracks. } } You owe the Oracle the story of Jesus before they retconned that Judas } guy into the baddie. --- 1425-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "T. Gies" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > Why am I so depressed? There's this girl I like, and I think she likes > me too, but only as a friend. And it's not meant to be... I suppose. I > am obese and ugly, and she is beautiful. How can I lose 60 pounds in a > couple months to look better? And then, what should I do to impress > her? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Chubby, } } You're depressed due to your sheer bulk. You see, after about 400 } pounds, your rib cage can't keep your lungs from getting squeezed like } that puppy you sat on last week. It also explains the breathing } trouble you experience upon exertion... like walking, sitting up, and } lifting the remote. Unfortunately, losing weight is just a losing } battle for you. } } Therefore, instead of trying to drop, it's easier to make her } gain. Think about it. You can't walk for more than 20 feet without } collapsing. No, you need a strategy that will make her so sad that } she can't help but put on pounds. } } I have just the method. In fact, schoolgirls have been using it } for decades! Simply use a combination of teasing, insults, hate mail, } and rude caricatures. Eventually she won't be able keep the Ben & } Jerry's carton out of her hand! } } But, you may ask: "Won't she hate me forever?" Don't you worry! } Big girls are just happy to have someone even looking at them... that } isn't just trying to see around. You'll be happy for the rest of your } life--or at least as long as you can stand being with such a cow. } } You owe the Oracle an endorsement for his matchmaking service. --- 1425-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "T. Gies" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Wonderful Oracle: > > I'm a Libra, not anywhere close to the edge of the sign, and yet what > I read about Scorpio seems to be exactly me. What does this mean? > > > > > (not that I'll literally make decisions on this stuff or anything) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Zodiac must be running slow again. } } I'll give Zeus a call and get him to wind the spring. } } You owe The Oracle a week of surprises, with the chance of a romantic } encounter on Thursday. --- 1425-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "T. Gies" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Finer than the notes of a dulcimer on fire The Oracle's wisdom > rings out peals of appeals for rationality for all to hear across > the echoing wasteland that is the `Net, > > Why are so many of the females at work suddenly with child? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Perhaps this will shed some light on the subject: } } Franken, Sincey & Mirhh } Attorneys at Law } 101 Bitstream Avenue } Florence, VA } } re: Pending class action paternity suit } } Mr. Diggler, } } It is with much displeasure that I find myself writing to you yet } again concerning the class action lawsuit set to be filed against you. } } While it is true that you never actually had intercourse with any of } the 15 women named in the suit, it is nonetheless easy to prove that } you are the father of all these children. Need I remind you of the } security monitor video of you doing your 'work' in the company's water } supply pipes? And, of course we have the fabricated work order which } you signed, to have bidets put in all women's restrooms. } } While inventive, it is nonetheless sick, disgusting and full of legal } liabilities. We expect a sizable amount of money to keep this out of } the courts (and out of the public eye). } } Most Disrespectfully, } Morris Mirhh. --- 1425-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and powerful Oracle... > > We here in America generally use the Fahrenheit scale to measure > temperature. Why is the normal human body temperature 98.6 degrees? > Since we humans invented Fahrenheit, why didn't we originally > calibrate the scale so that normal human body temperature was 100 > degrees? Might this have something to do with global warming? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fahrenheit actually is calibrated to the temperature of the human body. } The imperial system was just conceived in a fever dream. } } You owe the Oracle two wet towels and a pint of cough syrup. --- 1425-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, you know even more about the planets in heaven > than The One That Created Them. > > At one point, Venus and Mars are at completely opposite points from > the Sun -- meaning that their distance from each other is 208,783,000 > miles. A spaceship takes off from Mars. It travels at Mach 4, and > chooses a course designed to take it to Venus as quickly as possible. > > 225 Earth-days later, another spaceship takes off from Venus. It > travels at Mach 7, and chooses a course designed to take it to Mars > as quickly as possible. > > During the 225 days, Venus has traveled completely around the Sun, > and is back almost at it's original position -- but since Mars takes > almost 687 days to complete it's orbit around the Sun, it has gone > less than 1/3 of the way around the Sun. > > Do the two spaceships crash? If not, what is the closest distance > that they ever come to each other during their respective trips? > [AllanW] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The two spaceships will have a near miss, exactly two inches apart } from each other. } } Then they will explode violently, in anyway. } } Then Mars and Venus will explode. } } Out of the midst of smoke and flying debris, a small, compact sport } spaceship will fly out, guns blazing, through the Sun, out the other } side, and then fly into the Earth at top speed, skidding to a stop } sideways into a rooftop parking spot, with one-eighth of an inch to } spare on either side. } } A cybernetically enhanced Bruce Willis, with minor bruises, will roll } down the window, breathe a sigh of relief and say: "Yeah, right. Give } out one parking ticket, my ass." } } Watch 'Die Hard 23'! In theaters everywhere on Friday, September 12, } 2059! --- 1425-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Most ..., uh, I've run out ouf adjectives.... Anyway, Dear Supreme > Oracle, who is, without a doubt, the greatest supernatural entity > mankind has yet to encounter (okay, well God still beats you on that > one), please answer me! > > Where do you stand on Googlism? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Googlism? Huh? What does that even mean? } } Wait, I'll check on Google. } } ******************************************************************* } Web Results 1 - 10 of about 12,900 for Googlism (0.24 seconds) } } Internet Oracle - Digest #1425 } Googlism? Huh? What does that even mean? Wait, I'll check on Google. } cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/digest.cgi?N=1425 - 38k - } Cached - Similar pages - Note this } ******************************************************************* } } Wow! These guys are fast! It's amazing! Now all we have to do to find } the answer to your question is to click and see! } } ... The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your } question was: } } > O Most ..., uh, I've run out ouf adjectives.... Anyway, Dear Supreme } > Oracle, who is, without a doubt, the greatest supernatural entity } > mankind has yet to encounter (okay, well God still beats you on that } > one), please answer me! } > } > Where do you stand on Googlism? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Googlism? Huh? What does that even mean? } } } } Wait, I'll check on Google. } } } } ***************************************************************** } } Web Results 1 - 10 of about 12,900 for Googlism (0.24 seconds) } } } } Internet Oracle - Digest #1425 } } Googlism? Huh? What does that even mean? Wait, I'll check on } } Google. ... cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/digest.cgi?N=1425 - 38k - } } Cached - Similar pages - Note this } } ***************************************************************** } } } } Wow! These guys are fast! It's amazing! Now all we have to do to } } find the answer to your question is to click and see! } } } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your } } question was: } } } } > O Most ..., uh, I've run out ouf adjectives.... Anyway, Dear } } > Supreme Oracle, who is, without a doubt, the greatest } } > supernatural entity mankind has yet to encounter (okay, well } } > God still beats you on that one), please answer me! } } > } } > Where do you stand on Googlism? } } } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } } } Googlism? Huh? What does that even mean? } } } } } } Wait, I'll check on Google. } } } } } } ***************************************************************** } } } Web Results 1 - 10 of about 12,900 for Googlism (0.24 seconds) } } } } } } Internet Oracle - Digest #1425 } } } Googlism? Huh? What does that even mean? Wait, I'll check on } } } Google. ... cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/digest.cgi?N=1425 - 38k - } } } Cached - Similar pages - Note this } } } ***************************************************************** } } } } } } Wow! These guys are fast! It's amazing! Now all we have to do to } } } find the answer to your question is to click and see! } } } } } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your } } } question was: } } } } } } > O Most ..., uh, I've run out ouf adjectives.... Anyway, Dear } } } > Supreme Oracle, who is, without a doubt, the greatest } } } > supernatural entity mankind has yet to encounter (okay, well } } } > God still beats you on that one), please answer me! } } } > } } } > Where do you stand on Googlism? } } } } } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } } ....... } } You owe the Oracle a Spell of Protection against not-evil mottos.