From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Feb 19 18:00:39 2007 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/IUCS_2.80) with ESMTP id l1JN0dSU024150; Mon, 19 Feb 2007 18:00:39 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/Submit) id l1JN0cgu024148; Mon, 19 Feb 2007 18:00:38 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 19 Feb 2007 18:00:38 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200702192300.l1JN0cgu024148@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1417 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1417 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1417 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 19 Feb 2007 18:00:27 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1417 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1412 37 votes 25ec4 28b88 04dg4 2b969 04eh2 63ed1 17f95 5d649 4ce61 08cd4 1412 3.2 mean 3.3 3.3 3.5 3.2 3.5 3.0 3.3 3.0 2.7 3.4 --- 1417-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the story morning glory? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A story, you want? Here is one from the Army. } } "As the sun began its insistent rise, Private Steifen found it hard } to wake up, hard to get out of bed, hard to do anything. His fellow } soldiers were already fully up, attending to flagpole duty. 'What } is your dysfunction, Chubby?' Sergeant Duro shouted stiffly. Steifen } rose like a shot. Upright, he hurried to the door, grasped the knob, } and went outside to join his buddies in raising the flag. What a day } he had picked to screw up. } } "The company had already had breakfast, so Steifen had time only to } grab a sausage and whack off half a banana and rush over to the field } for the annual inspection. Firmly he stood at attention, as General } Pee-Wee Erezione and his large staff took their place on the grandstand } that had been erected only the day before; the private recalled the } prick he had gotten from a splinter while trying to use his tool on the } wood. Saluting the general always filled Steifen with pride; it made } him see himself as an upstanding example of manhood, and not such a } dingaling. } } "'About face', shouted the sergeant, and as Steifen wheeled about } he saw with horror that his flag was only at half-mast. 'Oh no,' he } ejaculated. Now he was in a real pickle. He realized he would } probably get the shaft from his buddies for this boner, and that night } Sergeant Duro would probably be hard on him too." } } Oops, that last bit might have come out sounding like a double } entendre. Gigidi. } } You owe the Oracle a dirty story. --- 1417-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, omniscient and precognitive, > > Who will the Democratic presidential nominee be in 2008? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In February the nominee will be a granola-eating tree-hugging pinko, } seeking to connect with the vocal minority who votes in the primaries. } } In April the nominee will be a marble-mouthed gaffe-machine, trying } to control the damage from an offhand remark about a wildebeest seen } on a childhood visit to the zoo. } } In June the nominee will be the Comeback Kid, who is out to prove } the pundits wrong. } } In August the nominee will be a uniter, having the support of all } the also-rans who each has secretly been promised the post of } Secretary of State in the new administration. } } In October the nominee will be a flag-waving tax-cutting redneck, } who comes in peace and shoots to kill. } } In December the nominee will be just another Schmoe, sitting at } home sipping a beer and wondering how the election was booted } away yet again. } } That's who the nominee will be. Does the actual name matter? } } You owe the Oracle a simple pronoun that means "he or she". --- 1417-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Was Daisy as sad she seemed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It all started when Daisy woke up in a cornfield. It was the third } time it had happened to her and she was beginning to feel that perhaps } someone had it in for her. She looked around and found ... gasp horror } ... that she had lost the Holy Laptop containing the Spirit of the } Oracle (whisky, Laphroig ideally) when he fancied a night out on the } town incognito (or rather in Buxton as this particular escapade had } been). Unless Daisy could find the Holy Laptop and return it before } daybreak all would be lost.....! } } Daisy sat up and tried to think when she had last seen the Holy } Laptop. She knew she'd had it in Yates just /before/ they started } downing shots and she'd definately had it a while later as she } distinctly remembered hanging it in it's shiny leather case on the } back of the toilet door when the liquids of the night started to } catch up on her. If only her head didn't feel like someone had } imprisoned a small thundergods convention in it she could think what } happened next. She knew she had spent rather a long time in the } toilet and then.... no... she couldn't believe she could have been so } stupid.... To have left it on the back of the door.... /Anyone/ } could have taken it... and besides she couldn't actually currently } remember which establishment the toilet had been in. Furthermore she } didn't actually know in which direction Buxton lay. Luckily she } could see a road running along one side of the field. Pushing } through waist-high corn she made for the gate. Once she reached the } road she paused. Left or right? A car came past from the left and } that made her mind up. She set off leftwards. } } After a short, but energetic, walk Daisy was relieved to find that } she was coming into civilisation heralded by large impressive } "Welcome to Buxton" roadsigns (if you can call a town based on } bathing in fancy water civilised). Now all she had to do was } remember which pub they'd visited last. } } After a further few minutes walking Daisy began to recognise her } surroundings. She blundered about the back streets for a bit before } finally stopping outside a rather rough and rather closed looking } pub. } } "Damm" } } She was almost certain it was here that she had been last, and here } that the Holy Laptop was imprisoned. However her chances of getting } it back before daybreak looked slim. She walked round to the back of } the establishment in the vain hope that she might be able to find an } open window. No such luck. Then suddenly the ground gave way below } her and she found herself in the pub's cellar. Normally this would } be a serious cause for celebration but there was no time for that } today. She marched out of the cellar door, up the stairs and into } the main bar. Recalling that the toilets were to her left she made a } beeline for them. She threw open the door to the third cubicle from } the door and triumphantly looked on the back of the door. } } "DAMM!" } } There was nothing on the peg. She checked the other cubicles, but } drew a blank there too. Just then the door swung open and there was } the landlord. } } "Caught short eh? Ah've met sum deft tieves in mah time but yewse } gotta be the deftist." "I can explain" countered Daisy "I just } realised I'd left my laptop behind and like I didn't want to wake } you" "You didn't want to wake me. Ah see. So you jist thought yewd } break into mah pub and see if it was still here like eh?" "Um well } more like I was taking advantage of the situation. I fell into your } cellar. I could sue you for that. The more I think about it the } more certain I am that I must have broken both my legs, fractured my } skull and dislocated my jaw and I doubt that I'll heal well enough } that I'll ever be able to work again. In fact I think I'd need at } least 7-digits worth of compensation." "Ah well when yew put it like } /that/ as a matter of fact yewse is verra lucky. Just after you'd } left a small shy gal brung this case up to me and said it had been } left in the bogs. I'll just go fetch it shall I?" "You do that and } I'll go home and no one else need to be bothered by all this eh?" } } And so was the Holy Laptop returned to its rightful bearer and all } was well with the world. } } (PS my guess is that immediately after this incident Daisy was very } happy, or at least very relieved indeed) --- 1417-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do you keep sending me the question back? The Service does that > already, along with the answer! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } New Email Protocol Offers Greater User Safety Than Ever Before!!! } } Mircosoft have just announced that their latest OS, Vasta, will } incorporate a new version of Offlook Andante which will support } RubberMail. This innovative new product will protect users from damage } caused by their computers crashing by encasing the entire outfit in an } elastic material obtained from the LaTeX SAP of trees. New features } include: } } * Built-in support for bouncing email. } * A special "squash" command which will compact messages to roughly a } tenth of their size before sending at high velocity straight upwards. } * Pong to replace Solitaire. } } You owe me a copy of Mircosoft Vasta and a Cray to run it on. --- 1417-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and might Oracle who could carry a tune in a holy bucket - > did Christine really want to go with the Phantom of the Opera? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The question you should have asked is did the Phantom really want to } have her come with him? I mean, this chick is a beaut, I won't argue } that, but come on! Is it really necessary to burst into song every ten } minutes or so? Yeah, it's cute at first, but there's the Phantom a year } later, recovering from plastic surgery done by that Dr. Ray guy in } Beverly Hills, and she bursts into the room singing about something or } other! The guy's lived under an opera house for years, I think he could } do with a little quiet TLC, you know? } } But, to answer your question, who knows? Yes, I know, but no one else } does. And that's the way it'll stay. Woman is a mystery. A crazy, loud } mystery. } } You owe the Oracle new ear plugs for his friend the Phantom. --- 1417-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The US military budget is currently almost half a trillion dollars. The > NASA budget is 16 billion dollars. What would happen if they switched? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We could discover all the intelligent life in the } universe we wouldn't be able to kill. --- 1417-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is a multi-part message in MIME format. > > ------=_NextPart_000_0042_01C74C77.A1B8A3C0 > Content-Type: text/plain; > charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > ------=_NextPart_000_0042_01C74C77.A1B8A3C0 > Content-Type: text/html; > charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > > > charset=3Diso-8859-1"> > > > > >
 
> > ------=_NextPart_000_0042_01C74C77.A1B8A3C0-- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } --- The Internet Oracle wrote: } > The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question! } > } > > This is a multi-part anti-message in antimatter format. Boom. } > > } > > ------=_NextPart_000_0042_01C74C77.A1B8A3C0 } > > Content-Type: text/plain; } > > charset="iso-8859-1" } > > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable } > > } > > ------=_NextPart_000_0042_01C74C77.A1B8A3C0 } > > Content-Type: text/html; } > > charset="iso-8859-1" } > > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable } > > } > > } > > } > > > charset=3Diso-8859-1"> } > > } > > } > > } > > } > >
 
} > > } > > ------=_NextPart_000_0042_01C74C77.A1B8A3C0-- --- 1417-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, who fathoms the true meaning of a lightyear, > > What makes outer space so dangerous? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nothing. } } Lots and lots of it. Going on darn near forever } in all directions. Oh sure, there's some dust } here, a planet full of sentient creatures there, } and a perfectly matched pair of G Class stars way, } way over there, but mostly it's nothing. And nothing } is dangerous. Think about a gun. See that empty } hole at the end of the barrel, the place where } nothing is? That is by far the MOST DANGEROUS part to } place upside your temple. Or your girlfriend, think } of her. If you ask her anything -- what's up or } what she's mad about or what it is she's thinking } of and she says, "Nothing" -- Dude, you are in BIG } TROUBLE. } } Nothing is Bad Stuff. } } That's why they put it up there in outer space, out } of the way, out of reach. } } You owe the Oracle something. --- 1417-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > D > e > a > r > > O > r > a > c > l > e > , > > W > h > a > t > > i > s > > t > h > e > > l > o > n > g > e > s > t > > m > e > s > s > a > g > e > > e > v > e > r > > t > o > > b > e > > O > r > a > c > u > l > a > r > i > z > e > d > ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle knows what you're driving at. The Old "Kinzler } is dead" myth. To start with the Sgt Pepper Parody in 999-06 } at 363 lines long is NOT the longest answer. Digest # 999 } is 363 lines long &when inverted the Digest Number is 666 } which is supposed all be spooky -- as is the fact that it is } the 6th answer. But the truth is that Lord Lucifer Morningstar } did NOT garrote Kinzler in a midnight ritual with a length } of twisted pair in July of 1994 as part of some pact Kinzler } made with the Prince of Lies, payment being due when Digest } 666 was released. In fact Digest 666 does NOT contain one } mention of Satan, despite all the rumors you hear of those } with 'souls lost to /dev/null/' finding Digest number 666 } being full of devil nonsense 'whilst those of pure state' } finding it full of kitten jokes -- it is neither. Read it } yourself and see. } } } } Let's look at the so called evidence for this silly } "Kinzler is dead" Internet legend shall we? So then } we can put this foolish rumor to sleep forever. } } 1) The Sgt Pepper Parody in Digest 999 is the longest } answer ever given and contains coded hints at the demise } of Kinzler. } } a) It is not the longest answer. } } b) The ominous opening tune's repeated phrase of "Kill } The W..dch..ks Zottin' Band" ONLY causes the name Kinzler } to appear diagonally if one is using a very specific font } of a very specific point size and spacing & appears NOT } ONCE in the reprise version of the same tune at the end } of the album. } } d) The So called Lyrical Evidence: } } } Picture yourself in a T1 off a backbone } } With tangled limbs and crossed lines } } Somebody calls you, you can't answer slowly, } } A daemon with horrible kill process nines. } } Does NOT refer to the supposed strangulation with a length } of twisted pair. And no, the lyrics didn't say so even more } specifically in older versions of the song. And ask anyone who } has been a sysadmin; fully shielded foil screened twisted } pair isn't quite flexible enough to serve as a good garrote. } } g) Other alleged lyric ~clues~ such as "..he's Tied up with the } Phone", OR "those who digest lose their soul" OR "looking in the } obits I noticed he was late" are easily brushed aside as mishearings } of the sung words. All agree the no longer available cassette tape } form of the answer sold as a novelty in the Gift Shop the following } St. Ludmila's Day had abysmally poor sound quality. } } h) Tales of Evil Priests who skillfully prune answers to exclude } any further hints of the murder are hogwash as evidenced by the } undeniable fact that this answer here appears unedited and available } for all to read and study. } } i)Lies! That's all it is. Anyone that spreads this kind of muck } enrages us all! And as for the gibberish line of "zL3R dYY0 } i dz foo" found in one, ONE, mal-formed header well, you and } l, Klued in as we are, know that is pure nonsense. } } You owe the Oracle a feast of boiled babies. Just kidding! } Thirty coins will do nicely. Dimes, pennies, gold it don't } matter. U safe. Mellow out. --- 1417-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which fonts are the smallest? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nice groveling. Not. } } Many experts in the field of typography would } (all too readily) tell you (in that nasally voice } that for some reason is common to virtually all } typography experts) that the the smallest font } available today is IBM-Exacto-TeensyType-IV-Oblique, } or possibly Zapf-Dustmite-WhispyItalic-ISO8859-1. } (Then they would snicker, knowing that you can't } tell the difference between a typeface and a font. } I tell you, these people just get my goat. What is } their problem? I mean... Where was I?) } } These experts would, of course, be wrong. Fortunately } for you, you asked me, and not them. The correct } answer is Contracto-Disclaimer-UltraWeasel-Narrow-43. } (The 43, by the way is the width in angstroms.) It } is the font of choice for record companies, } Hollywood pre-nup lawyers, and army recruiters. } } You might not be aware that for years when the } Internet Oracle ends a post with something like } "You owe the Oracle a box of figs.", that the period } at the end of that sentence is actually a small } legal addendum in Contracto-Disclaimer-UltraWeasel } that when magnified many times says "and your } immortal soul." } } You owe the Oracle a typewriter ribbon .