From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon May 8 14:21:47 2006 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/IUCS_2.72) with ESMTP id k48ILkTN028583; Mon, 8 May 2006 14:21:47 -0400 (EDT) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/Submit) id k48ILkJq028581; Mon, 8 May 2006 14:21:46 -0400 (EDT) Date: Mon, 8 May 2006 14:21:46 -0400 (EDT) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200605081821.k48ILkJq028581@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1405 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1405 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1405 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 08 May 2006 14:21:35 -0500 (EST) @@@ Who reads the Oracularities in rec.humor.oracle? @@@ @@@ As both of the news servers I have access to are being @@@ decommissioned this summer, I find myself asking this question. @@@ With Usenet dwindling, and the Oracularities mailing list and @@@ website growing, will the day come when rec.humor.oracle must be @@@ shut down? Will that day be sometime this summer? @@@ @@@ If you read the Oracularities in rec.humor.oracle, let me @@@ know your thoughts about discontinuing @@@ posting them there and switching to mail or web @@@ for the digests. Or, if you can @@@ offer the use of a reliable news server, perhaps we can continue by @@@ using that. To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1405 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1400 50 votes 28gk4 8laa1 259p9 036in 7aa9e 1bhd8 17kg6 7jg62 4dib4 2mh72 1400 3.2 mean 3.3 2.5 3.7 4.2 3.3 3.3 3.4 2.5 3.0 2.7 --- 1405-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Internet Oracle was tired... it had been a long day answering } questions. A supplicant had managed to get a woodchuck question through } the Outer Defences, and a great deal of time was spent composing } a properly virulent answer. The Oracle had dealt with Shakespeare, } Brahms, Star Trek, cavemen, virtually every subject upon the globe } and he was exhausted. } } He lay down and he slept. Still the questions poured in, some short, } some long, but all demanding an answer. His right hand scribbled out } answers in longhand on a nearby notepad, for his priests to type out } while he slept... until in the early hours of the morning, a silence } came that was louder than the questions. Sometimes the sudden absence } of noise is just as shocking as a sudden noise. } } And the Oracle sat up in bed, clenching his sheets and in shock and } terror, gave his answer } } "What the hell was that silence?" } } And went back to sleep. --- 1405-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most agglutinative, > > What are some of the weirdest languages in the world, and why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I would have given you a top ten list, but agglutinative doesn't seem } to be very complimentary--I'm assuming you mean it in the clumping } blood sense, rather than the linguistic morphemic one--so I'm just } doing the top five instead. } } 5. Eskimo. A few years back, I heard that they had 76 words for snow. } Two years back, I heard that they had 147 words for snow. And just } recently, I found out that everyone was lying and they really only have } one word for snow. What's wrong with that language? Can't they keep a } stable vocabulary for a few years? } } 4. Baby talk. A language which consists of basically nothing but } "goos" and "gahs." As a computerized entity, such a binary } communication system seems awfully impractical. } } 3. Lojban. Weird for many reasons. For example, "mi bramau do le ka } clani" and "fi le ka clani fe do fa mi bramau" mean essentially the } same thing (let's agree not to argue semantics). How weird is that? } Plus, I hear it drives musicians nuts. } } 2. FORTRAN. No explanation needed, I trust. } } 1. Medicalese. Agglutinative? Are you serious? } } You owe the Oracle forty seven words for snow, a translation of the } Bible into Goo-goo-goo-gah-gah-goo-goo-gah, an essay on the advantages } of logical language in Lojban, and a promise to avoid at least one of } FORTRAN and Medicalese in the future. --- 1405-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You know what I hate? Rhetorical questions. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, yes! And you know when people just get all whiney, and complain } about something, they just complain, complain, complain! And then they } start to ramble on and on, repeating everything they've already said, } but in a different way to make it sound as if they're saying something } else, then it all starts over again, but in disguise, then, without } realizing it, they get into this really long sentence that seems to go } off topic and onto something more interesting, but no, it's just more } complaints! Oh, I HATE those guys who get all angry and yell at the } top of their lungs, saying MORE COMPLAINTS even LOUDER than you } thought they could! AND THEY NEVER COOL DOWN! THEY JUST GET LOUDER AND } LOUDER UNTIL... } } You owe the Oracle some anger management. } } (Did I mention how much I hate irony?) --- 1405-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What pitch is Big Ben? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Southpaw is Big Ben pitch. Little Ben pitch always fastball. } Medium Ben, he is slider. Middle-Bigger Ben, sometimes he switch up, } pitch like Bigger Ben than him. Biggest Big Big Ben, he is pitch } fastest fast. But Big Ben southpaw fast pitch and who is surviving? } Very fastest. Even Big Ben southpaw fast pitch and already you are } know, what pitch is Big Ben. } } Give Oracle A. Like Oakland. --- 1405-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, so wise and all-knowing, whose knowledge and > wisdom are known throughout the land, I come before thee with a > question that has plagued me for a time, and half a time again. > What is the secret to understanding women? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lack of understanding between men and women is a common problem. } Luckily for you, The Oracle has come along to explain it all. } } Men are simple beasts, they like food, sex, and shiny toys. } When they want something, they'll ask for it, usually in a short } sentence of simple words, for example } "I'm hungry" means they're hungry. } "I'm horny" means they want sex. } "I want to play (some computer game)" means they want to play with } their shiny toys. } } Women are also simple beasts, they like food, sex, and shiny toys. } When they want something, they will drop subtle hints, sometimes } verbal code, sometimes using body-language cues, sometimes via mental } telepathy. For example } "Isn't is getting dark early these days" means I'm hungry, let's eat } "Isn't it getting dark early these days" means I'm horny, let's go to } bed early tonight } "Isn't it getting dark early these days" means it's a long time since } you bought me a shiny toy } } Men, simple beasts that they are, take all 3 of the above as a comment } on the advancing season, or an invitation to discuss the astronomical } basis for variation in day length. } } Meanwhile women, accustomed as they are to speaking in code, assume } men do the same. } } So, his "I'm hungry" gets interpreted by her as "your ass looks very } fat today" or "I'd like to have sex with that woman over there" or even } "my hovercraft is full of eels". Strangely, the more innocent, direct } and obvious a comment, the more likely it is to be interpreted as some } subtle insult. She takes offence, he notices and asks "what's wrong?" } to which she replies "nothing". There ensues an escalating exchange } during which she continues to deny anything is wrong while getting more } and more angry at him for failing to apologise for the 'insult'. } Meanwhile, he knows she is angry, and gets more and more frustrated at } her refusal to tell him why. } } And so it continues, generation after generation. } Men still aren't mind-readers, and women are still mad at them for it. } 'Twas ever thus, and ever shall it be. } } You owe The Oracle a female-to-English dictionary. --- 1405-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O is for the Oracle we respect so much! > R is for the Respect we give to the Oracle! > A is for Another dose of respect for the Oracle! > C is for Certainly we respect the Oracle! > L is for Like, we respect the Oracle! > E is for our Enormous respect for the Oracle! > > What do the letters in 'Congress' stand for? > [AllanW] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In a 30-second soundbite, the Most Oracular of Internet Oracles } declares: I suppose that all depends on which political party you } belong to. But in general, } } C is for the Chamber's C-Span Cameras. } O is for the Omphaloskepsis we practice when we're bored. } N is for the occassional fit of Narcolepsy. } G is for the stenographer's Graphospasm. } R is for our witty Repartee. } E is for Ensiferous debate. } S is for Smith, who went to Washington. } S is also for the Silly question. } } That's got to be at least as creative as thy lowly attempt at } grovelling. } } Thou owest the Oracle an acrostic for "ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM." --- 1405-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which of these are your favorite and why? > > Ice planets > Lava planets > Water planets > Desert planets > Gas planets > Rock planets > Forest planets > Grass planets > Alcohol planets > Hydrogen planets > Mountain planets > Shrub planets > Iron planets > Metal Planets > Formaldehyde planets > Methane planets > Gold planets > Platinum planets > Wood planets > Cheese planets > > You may replace the word planet with any of the following: > Star, moon, asteroid, comet. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Recipe #38642 } Swedish Astro-burgers (larger than a quarter pounder) } } Begin with several hundred fresh, ground beef red giants. Mix with } bread-crumb moons; strike with mustard and milk asteroids, season } with two interesting lava planets. Compress, mix, and place in Ice } Planet to chill. } } Form several astral bodies of disc shape, flat on two sides. Place on } star to grill. } } Direct half a dozen cheese comets into steam planet. When soft Cheese } core has formed, aim eruptions at discs. } } Place between two halves of bread roll planet. Season with condiment } rings, planetary vegetation to taste. } } Prepare fruit planet milkshake. Impact chocolate comets and mixed } berry asteroid fields, ice cream moon into large, milky planet. } Compress, mix, and place in Ice Planet to chill. } } The Oracle is sorry. Give the Oracle a bucket. --- 1405-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } answer. --- 1405-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most infinite, > > whatever happened to Zhukov? That Russian guy, so you don't get him > confused with somebody else. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Alex Zhukov is a "Russian guy" that lives about 3 miles from you. But } you've never met him, so you must be talking about Georgy } Konstantinovich Zhukov, a Soviet military commander and politician, } considered by many to be one of the most successful field commanders of } what Americans call World War II. } } Georgy was born in 1896, and is thought by most to have died in 1974. } An asteroid was named after him in 1995, commemorating his 100th } birthday. } } Ordinarily I would stop there, but you did ask what happened to him... } } I first met Zhukov in 1973, 16 years before I became The Usenet Oracle, } in a small town near the University of Indiana. At the time, Zhukov } seemed a particularly bright and able member of Mensa, the organization } of very bright people. Wanting to make an impression with his peers at } Mensa, he bet me $100 that I couldn't create 5 puzzles that would stump } his peers. I had no trouble coming up with them. He immediately made } some wagers with his peers at Mensa and won over $900. So you see that } he used to be particularly bright. } } As people at Mensa began to realize that Zhukov was smarter than them, } they stopped taking the bets -- but he realized that we had a business } opportunity. So he persuaded me to give up the storefront I already } owned and go into business with him. We originally intended to model } our business after the Oracle of Delphi, but we wanted to stay in } Indiana and yet maximize our potential customer list. We decided to } go into business on the Usenet instead. Our first act was to fake } Zhukov's death, so that we could collect his life-insurance money. We } used that as seed money in a series of gambling exploits that I'm not } at liberty to discuss. It took several years, but finally we had enough } money to purchase our own palace and go into business for ourselves. } We finally opened for business on October 8, 1989. } } Sadly, things did not go well at first. We had a series of mishaps, } driving us nearly to financial ruin. The power of my brain allowed us } to get through the tough times, but for quite a while things were very } tough. Eventually Zhukov turned to drink and drugs. The damage done to } his brain was severe -- his intellect is all but gone, and he isn't } even capable of spelling his name correctly anymore. He now spells it } "Zadoc." } } At times, I want to hurt Zadoc -- his drink and drugs made our problems } much worse -- but I realize that if it wasn't for him, I never would } have been in this business. So I'm willing to keep him around, so long } as he continues to grovel for my entertainment. } } [AllanW] } } You owe the Oracle the life history of Lisa the Sex Goddess. --- 1405-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi Orrie, > > What does O.K. stand for? > > R And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Common sources would have you believe that it originally started as a } humorous abbreviation for "Oll Korrect". It was popularized by } presidential candidate Martin Van Beuren, aka "Old Kinderhook". } } Sheer nonsense. Let me tell you the story of how "OK" actually } originated. } } * * * } } SCENE: Five thousand years ago; two proto-humans are hunched in front } of a cave, with a third, subadult, proto-human. } } "Ugh, hello, Og," says one. } } "Hello, Thag!" Og replies. "Thag, meet Og Kid. Og Kid, Thag." } } "Thag glad meet Og Kid." } } "I am charmed to make your acquaintance, Thag," responds the son of Og. } } "Og Kid very smart! Og Kid do all kinds of smart things!" gushes his } father. } } "What kind smart thing?" } } "Og Kid make thing tell time by sun!" } } "Oh, you mean the sundial? That was merely an elementary exercise in } triangulation." } } * * * } } Some time later, Og was hunting. Suddenly, a sabre-toothed tiger leapt } from behind some bushes, and lunged for Og. } } "D'oh!" shouted the started caveman. } } Just as suddenly, Og Kid swept by on a primitive wheeled device, } grabbed his father, and dashed out of harm's way. } } "Og Kid save Og! Good boy!" } } "It was nothing, Father." } } "What this thing you on?" } } "A simple device I built this morning. I took the wheel that I } invented yesterday, connected two of them to a simple frame, added a } steering mechanism, and a padded seat. I power it using pedals, and a } chain delivers the motion to the rear wheel, providing forward } locomotion. I then use the gyroscopic force from the anterior wheel to } provide balance." } } "Amazing, Og Kid!" } } * * * } } Some time later, Og wandered into a cave and became lost in the } darkness. } } "D'oh!" } } Then, he saw a glimmer of light. It grew, and soon Og could make out } Og Kid carrying a torch. } } "O.K.!" shouted Og, as he had, over the years grown tired of saying } "Og Kid" and had abbreviated it. } } "Hello, Father." } } "You save Og again! What this thing that make light?" } } "It was nothing, Father. I rubbed two pieces of wood together until } the friction built up enough heat to cause the carbon in the wood to } interact with atmospheric oxygen in a redox reaction; the combustion } of the wood releases heat and light. I'm thinking of calling it } 'fire'." } } "Amazing, O.K.!" } } * * * } } Over time, it seemed that every time there was a problem, O.K. would } show up and make things right again. Soon, the cavemen began to talk } of making a bad situation be all right again as being "Og Kid", or } O.K. } } O.K. became a catch-all phrase for things that worked out well. } } * * * } } One day, Og was out hunting again, and he was attacked by a pack of } dire wolves. He shouted "D'oh!", then called for help, and his son } heard him. } } "Is everything in order, Father?" he shouted back. } } His father yelled, "O.K.! O.K.! O.K.!" } } Og Kid replied, "If everything is alright, then, I will return to work } on 'electricity'." } } Og yelled, "O.K.!" } } Presently, he was eaten by the wolves. } } The End.