From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Dec 19 10:33:14 2005 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.69) with ESMTP id jBJFXDRN023965; Mon, 19 Dec 2005 10:33:13 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id jBJFXDgL023963; Mon, 19 Dec 2005 10:33:13 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 10:33:13 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200512191533.jBJFXDgL023963@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1398 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1398 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1398 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 10:33:02 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1398 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1393 40 votes 57f94 2ge62 43db9 05kd2 35d9a 6ia51 44df4 5h882 025je 016if 1393 3.3 mean 3.0 2.8 3.5 3.3 3.5 2.4 3.3 2.6 4.1 4.2 --- 1398-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My spirits soar as I read the words of the Oracle! I wheel as > in a spry animated dance of Bacchanals when I think of the > Oracle! BEHOLD, even now the tidings the Oracle gives are taking > shape! Let us sit hushed and see what The Oracle has to say. > > What's your opinion on gun control/abortion/taxes/the best > football team? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You like to dance around drunk when you think of me? Wow. I thought } only Lisa did that... } } Anyway, I think you like to push buttons. Here, you might want to try } this one. It's got a big, red, "DO NOT PUSH" on it. } } Don't... don't.... } } *ZOT* } } You owe the Oracle a BBQ recipe for grilled supplicant. --- 1398-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What happen to the -other- dinosaurs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The OTHER Dinosaurs? Let's check with one of my authorized sources. } } - - } } "Where are they now? Skippy, Frankie, Lola and Jack, The Other } Dinosaurs. Next on ET!" } } - - } } "They weren't quite as famous as Aladar, Littlefoot, and those raptors } from Jurassic Park, but The Other Dinosaurs paved the way for their } more famous cousins. 80 years after starring in roles from The Lost } World, to the Ray Harryhausen classics to B movie matinees, ET asks } 'Where Are They Now? (tm)'" } } "Skippy, was the stage name of Patrick Stephen Murphy, III. After a } brief career in front of the camera, starting as a stunt double for } Godzilla, and graduating to Leading 'Saur status, Skippy decided to try } his hand behind the camera. He is probably best known for his Second } Unit work, choreographing the 'running flock' scene in Jurassic Park. } Later he took over as Second Unit Director in both of the JP sequels } before retiring 2 years ago. Today he lives in a quiet mansion in } Bel-Air, shunning publicity and working on his memoirs." } } "Frankie lived as fast off the screen as he did on the screen. Born } Franklyn Booth, Frankie was known for his intense on-screen performance } and inebriated brawls any time he was in public. Following his abrupt } firing from 'The Land That Time Forgot' he had a brief career in } voice-overs. As his career slipped, so did his personal life, three } marriages and three divorces, all in a span of 5 years. A brief stint } in The Betty Ford clinic didn't seem to help. Reduced to providing } recorded roars for children's toys, Frankie came to an untimely end, } penniless, his career in ruins, Frankie was found dead in a culvert in } Central Park, New York three days before Christmas, 1989." } } "Lola Partridge was Frankie's first love. Even though she usually } played stegosaurus to his tyrannosaurus, who can forget that steamy } battle scene in The Land Unknown? Not to mention how she nearly } upstaged Raquel Welch in One Million Years B.C.? Following her divorce } from Frankie, she retired from movies, married an accountant, and is } quietly active in a number of charities. Shrewd management of her } movie income has left her quite rich and allowed her to endow The Dino } Institute, dedicated to the preservation of Dean Martin recordings." } } "Jack, the least well known of The Other Dinosaurs was born Theropoda } Ornithomimosauria in a small island off of the South American pacific } coast. He started out as a stagehand for Harryhausen Productions, and } finally got his chance in front of the camera in 'The People That Time } Forgot,' sequel to the popular 'The Land That Time Forgot.' After his } brief moment of fame, he went back to school, finishing college and } going on to study for his doctorate, proving that even a walnut-sized } brain and tiny forearms was no impediment to success. With multiple } advanced degrees in Medicine, Law and Philosophy, he worked briefly for } the Red Cross, State Department and Trump Organization, before } succumbing to a rare cancer of the tail. He will be greatly missed." } } "So there you have it from fame to shame, story to glory. That's what } happened to The Other Dinosaurs." } } "Next up. A sneak peak at Hollywood's latest teen singing, dancing and } juggling sensation. After this message." } } - - } } So there you have it. Who would have guessed - director, drunk, } philanthropist and genius? } } You owe the Oracle a dissertation on dinosaur kinematics from stop } motion to CGI. --- 1398-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Is it true that you are more likely to die from a champagne cork than a > poisonous spider? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In all honesty, the motivation for this query must be brought to } into question. } } If you are asking in order to decide on the best method for an } assassination attempt, you'll have to allow me to think "outside of } the box" for a moment. A far more practical way to clip the mortal } coil would be to use a high-calibre, powered firearm; my personal } recommendation would be the BMG 5100 Long Range Rifle. Preferably } in relative solitude, with favourable atmospheric conditions and a } downward angle to negate the effects of drag on a ballistic trajectory. } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } If you're asking because you're actually curious, then ignore } everything before the line. A person is approximately three times } more likely to be killed by a flying champagne cork than from the } bite of a venomous spider. } } The Oracle values human life and is incapable of } divulging information that could hurt humans, even if it is fun } watching their frail little bodies go "squish". This email was all } about puppies. } } You owe the Oracle a character-witness testimony in a court of law. --- 1398-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Behold the Oracle, though he has lived for eons he has the mental > skills of one three times his known age! The wisdom of the Oracle is > such that he could do nothing which will lower our regard for him! > > Are there any more Minotaurs left? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are in the foyer. } Possible exits: south, east, down } > look } There are no items here. } > s } The south door is locked! } > unlock } Unlock what? } > unlock s } With what? } > key } You don't have a key! } > unlock s } With what? } > foot } You kick the solid oak south door. It makes a dull thump. } > e } You limp to the east. } You are in the drawing room. } Possible exits: west } > l } You see a flashlight. There is a doorway to the west leading to the } foyer. } > take flashlight } Flashlight taken. } > w } You are in the foyer. } Possible exits: south, east, down } > d } You head down the stairs. The door shuts behind you, throwing you into } darkness. You are likely to be eaten by a minotaur. } > use flashlight } You flick the switch, but nothing happens. } > shake flashlight } You shake it furiously. Nothing happens. } > shake flashlight } You shake it like a Parkinson's patient. Nothing happens. } > shake flashlight } You shake it like a British nanny. It turns on! } > l } You walk to the bottom of the staircase. There are passages to the } east and west. There are minotaur droppings here. } > e } You are in the basement. } > l } You see a minotaur holding a key. You wet yourself. } > attack minotaur } With what? } > inv } You check your pockets: } 3 $10 American bills. } A flashlight } Some food } Ring of power } Roll of quarters?^W^W^W } A scroll } A pair of wet pants } > read scroll } You read the scroll under the dim light of the flashlight: } +------------------------+ } | SAVINGS WITHDRAWL | } +------------------------+ } | DATE TIME | } | 11/23/02 10:36AM | } | | } | LOCATION | } | 3190 Main St. | } | | } | TRANSACTION # | } | 004569 | } | | } | CUSTOMER CARD | } | XXXXXXXX4318 | } | | } | AMOUNT | } | $30.00 | } | | } | BALANCE | } | $1.37 | } +------------------------+ } Nothing happens. } > inv } You check your pockets: } 3 $10 American bills } A flashlight } Some food } Ring of power } Roll of quarters?^W^W^W } A scroll of ATM RECEIPT } A pair of wet pants } > attack minotaur } With what? } > flashlight } Are you high?! Y/N } > n } You hit the minotaur over the head with the flashlight. Nothing } happens. The minotaur looks at you quizzically. } > give food } You offer the minotaur some food. The minotaur speaks: } "Aren't you sweet. I was getting hungry, don't mind if I do." } The minotaur takes the food and eats. } "Delightful. Is that a hint of Unicorn flavor? Yum." } > take key } You move to snatch the key from the minotaur. You miss. } The minotaur speaks: } "Why don't we head out to the local for a lager and a curry?" } Agree? Y/N } > y } You follow the minotaur up the stairs. It unlocks the front door with } it's key. You head toward a small pub, the sign reads } _The_Prancing_Pony_. You and the minotaur take a seat in the back. It } orders a curry and a pint. } > l } You are in The Prancing Pony. You see a minotaur and 2 empty pint } glasses. } > l } You are in The Prancing Pony. You see a minotaur and 6 empty pint } glasses. } > ; } Invalid command } > l } You are in The Prancing Pony. You see 10 empty pint glasses. For the } first time, you notice the minotaur's hazel eyes. } > ; } Invalid command } > k } Invalid command } > . } Invalid command } You knock an empty pint glass over. } You stumble into the restroom. } > l } You look in the mirror in disbelief. Through the mirror you watch } yourself touch your face, slowly realizing that you have the body of a } human and the head of a bull. You are the minotaur. } Koo-koo-ka-chu. } You feel less confused about some feelings you were having earlier. } You make your way back to the table. } > l } You are in The Prancing Pony. There are a large number of pint glasses } here. You see a slightly attractive minotaur in between two blurry } ones. } > l } You are in The Pran } You pass out. } END OF ADVENTURE } } That should pretty much answer your question. The minotaur population } is flourishing, thanks in part to high fertility and an ample supply of } Rohypnol. --- 1398-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > Defender of the faith, > defeater of the saxons, > king of all of the britons, > pray tell me... > > Is it true what they say about Merlin? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He wore a purple dress all the time, he was very attached } to his wand, he had long flowing hair, and he loved } hanging out at the court with the Queen. Yes, it is true } Merlin couldn't throw a hardball over home plate to save } his own life. And that -is- why he suppressed the invention } of baseball, denying the serfs and knights the everyday } joy of Little League -- dooming them all to an endless } existence of castle storming and tending the crops of } distant warlords. } } You owe the Oracle a huge bat. --- 1398-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > Oooh, you are so big, > So absolutely huge, > We're all really impressed down here let me tell you, > > Should I change jobs now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No need. Steve Jobs wears big boy underpants now and can } take care of things himself. They seem to grow up *so* } fast, don't they? } } You owe the Oracle a wet nurse. --- 1398-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Orrie, > > Where's my cow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } SIR! We do -not- refer to the guides here at the Dolly } Parton museum that way! --- 1398-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most technologically advanced, please answer my question: > > Is there (or will be) a technology to losslessly compress audio CD > material down to 32kbps? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure, watch this: } } It's a world of laughter } A world of tears } It's a world of hopes } And a world of fears } There's so much that we share } That it's time we're aware } It's a small world after all } } It's a small world after } It's a small world after all } It's a small world after all } It's a small, small world } } Now try and get that tune out of your brain. } It's stored there and it takes up ZERO amount } of space and can be accessed instantly. } } You owe the Oracle a fifth of gin. --- 1398-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Merry Oracle, who can have a holly, jolly Christmas without pricking > himself on the pointy leaves, I've figured out your secret. > > Santa Internet > Claus Oracle > -------------------------------- ----- -------- > Immortal Yes Yes > Knows who's been naughty & nice Yes Yes > Shakes like a bowl full of jelly Yes Undetermined > Long, white beard Yes Probably > Keeps exotic livestock Reindeer Unproven > Has many dedicated helpers Elves Priests > > So admit it. You're really Santa, aren't you? This Oracle business > is just something you do to occupy yourself in the off-season, isn't > it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Before you get carried away, consider the following comparison } chart: } } Santa Bill } Claus Gates } -------------------------------- ----- -------- } Immortal Yes Yes[1] } Knows who's been naughty & nice Yes Yes[2] } Shakes like a bowl full of jelly Yes Cream pie } Long, white beard False[3] No } Keeps exotic livestock Reindeer Unproven } Has many dedicated helpers Elves Employees } Mail goes unanswered Yes Yes } Runs a worldwide organisation Yes Yes } Gets user requests, but delivers } something else altogether Yes Yes } Distributes gifts to the poor Yes Yes[4] } Has an effective monopoly Yes Yes } Annual licensing fees Cookies Cash } } Notes: } [1] Ever since that pact with.. oh, wait, I'm not allowed to } talk about that. Sorry. Just take my word for it. } [2] Everyone who runs Microsoft software and has an internet } connection, anyway. "No personally identifying information", } hah, there's a good one. } [3] Sorry, but yes, Santa's beard is a false one. Didn't you } know that the most common method for disguise for men is a } beard? Did you really think that such a long beard would be } natural? Off with the glasses, on with the contacts and the } huge beard, and you look completely different. } [4] Yes, really - the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation is in } fact the world's largest charitable organisation, and among } (many) other things currently funds 90% of the world's budget } for the eradication of polio. } } And a final clue: } - Many houses these days no longer have chimneys for Santa } to come down. } - Therefore, he needs an alternate method of entry. } - The easiest entry points to most houses are the windows. } - Windows is well known for being insecure, allowing easy } access by outsiders. } } How much more proof do you need? --- 1398-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What did you say, Mighty One? My ear was cut off by Mr. Blue. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I said, did you know your ear has- oh, never mind. } } You owe the Oracle an original Van Gogh.