From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sat Jul 9 10:13:43 2005 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.65) with ESMTP id j69FDgn6028976; Sat, 9 Jul 2005 10:13:42 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id j69FDg0m028974; Sat, 9 Jul 2005 10:13:42 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 9 Jul 2005 10:13:42 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200507091513.j69FDg0m028974@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1387 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1387 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1387 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 09 Jul 2005 10:13:31 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1387 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1382 44 votes 02bn8 0afc7 5dd76 89e67 1cfe2 26gc8 5ed75 27ee7 5cda4 16fca 1382 3.2 mean 3.8 3.4 2.9 2.9 3.1 3.4 2.8 3.4 2.9 3.5 --- 1387-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, Who is more daring than Master Chief, Who knows > more about particle physics than Gordan Freeman and who can pwn in > Counter-Strike, UT20 04 And Quake. > > In a battle of technology, who would win in a battle between Star > Wars and Star Trek? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Should these two imaginary universes manage to collide, there would } be some initial skirmishes of no particular strategic significance. } Soon the battle would come down to: } } Star Trek: Seven of Nine and T'Pol } Star Wars: Padme and Leia } } Battle: Tag team Jell-O wrestling } } Winner: Nobody would care, so long as the battle went on for a while. --- 1387-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, oh, oh! O Oracle, I screamed in pain or delight > when I found I could get answers from you. Right now > I don't have any questions, but I know I will by tomorrow, > and with you being so dad-blamed omniscient, I'm sure > you know what they are. Give me the answers to the > even numbered ones. The occasional odd one can wait. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 2: Same as #1. } 4: Same as #3. } 6: Same as #5. } 8: Same as #7. } 10: Same as #9. } } The Oracle is annoyed at your long list of questions and promises that } answers to future questions will be very beneficial or extremely } hazardous, but he won't tell you which is which. --- 1387-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Well, I decided. I'm going to convert from being a Catholic into > being a Presbyopian. My daughter says it's shortsighted, but > she's not in my shoes. I'm in my slippers. > > I'll still go to confession with Father O'Rourk (or whoever is > in that damned confessional), but what should I say? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Say: } Bless me father, for I have sinned. } I am about to commit a horrible murder. } } Then whip out a squirtgun, scream like a raving lunatic, and wait } impatiently until the nice men come and take you to your new "church". --- 1387-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most snazzy Oracle, whose ties never get trapped in heavy machinery, > > If your present incarnation is unfamiliar with the Myst series, please > leave this message for another incarnation. Otherwise, here's my > question: if the first four numbered games in the Myst series (in other > words, not counting Uru) had Star Wars-style intro title crawls, what > would they be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Most skeptical supplicant, } } You were wont as a child to spurn the department store Santa toward } whose voluminous lap your parents had steered you with a petulant cry: } "YOU can't be the real Santa, because I just saw another Santa ringing } his bell next to a kettle down on Elm Street!" } } And so you have grown into a young adult of cynical bent who suspects } that not all incarnations of the Oracle are perfectly familiar with the } obscurest trivia of the most tedious human pastimes. Such lack of faith } is, not to put too fine a point on it, disheartening. Nevertheless, } the Oracle is bound by ancient decree to honor your request for wisdom. } } If the first four numbered games in the Myst series (not counting Uru, } of course) had Star Wars-style intro title crawls, they would read } thus: } } Episode I } } MYST } } Turmoil has engulfed Myst Island. } Hoping to resolve the matter, } Atrus has secretly dispatched } Sirrus and Achenar to hide } some lumps of coal there. } ============ } } Episode II } } RIVEN } } There is unrest in Riven. } Several thousand game worlds } have declared their intentions } to give Atrus a lump of coal. } ============ } } Episode III } } EXILE } } War! Tomahna is crumbling } under attacks by a ruthless } lump of coal. } ============ } } Episode IV } } REVELATION } } It is a period of civil war. } Atrus' spies have stolen } secret plans to the ultimate } weapon of Sirrus, the } Death Lump of Coal. } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as Creosote the Wise) a tad more } respect. Oh, and a box turtle trained to tap-dance while whistling "The } Battle Hymn of the Republic". --- 1387-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, > > In the history of the world, from the time that a gene mutated just > enough to produce Homo sapiens, to the precise instantaneous instant > of the present, has there ever been a stupider human being than > Tom Cruise? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am sorry, supplicant, but I cannot answer that question since it } relies on a false premise: That Tom Cruise is a human being. Mr. } "Tom Cruise" (his real name is !Xf'gugryaFloprple) is in fact an } alien from the fourth planet of the Tau Ceti system sent here as part } of a group to pave the way for the invasion in 2008. The plan calls } for each member of the group to gain fame and/or notoriety (other } members of the groups include Michael Jackson and Paris Hilton) so } that when the invasion commences, every human being will be glued } to their television 24 hours a day watching the escapades of these } devilish clever infiltrators without noticing what is really going on. } Sic transit gloria mundi. } } You owe the Oracle a sleeping mask and a pair of ear plugs. --- 1387-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Vampire cows. Are they a good idea? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Vampire cows are } a force to be reckoned with } when you slice them up } } Quite fine steak they make } As long as you don't forget } No garlic for me --- 1387-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle of the Ages, > > My advisor has expressed some concern about my choice of thesis topic, > namely "emulation of carnivory in artificial intelligence." I suspect > that my bringing the robot to sit in while I taught recitation, in > which it attempted to eat several students, is his major concern. > > How can I encourage him and the department to realize the potential in > computers which are able to hunt their own food rather than consuming > expensive electricity? Would a good start be to propose that after I > graduate, I take the robot with me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahhh, "Emulation of Carnivory in AI"! We've been voraciously } discussing this one for weeks now. You see, I had this idea that we } could create these artificially intelligent nanobots that would feed } on advertising. So the bunch of us huddled in the lab and, by gum, we } figured it out. They were originally programmed to feed on unsolicited } commercial email, what you call Spam, but the AI was so good that it } actually migrated to direct mail. } } I tell you, the first time I walked down to the mailbox and found a } single postcard from a vacationing friend not hidden within a whopping } stack of Chinese menus, mail-order catalogs, and coupon mailers, I was } joyous. } } And then it found the television and the radio. The dead air between } each song was a welcome un-noise to my ears. Although, thanks to } extensive product placement, the choppy television shows were a bit } distracting, with the screens going black every other scene. } } But now we've hit a real snag: marketing these guys to the public. We } haven't figured out how to sell these things before the little buggers } eat their own ads. So it's back to the drawing board. } } As for your robot, if I were you, I'd reprogram it to stand around and } feed you compliments. In the next few months, you're really going to } need the support of your friend, the robot. } } You owe the robot a name. --- 1387-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Cute and fluffy Oracle, sometimes I think you are even wiser than my > cat. (I do not actually own this cat, because she seems to own me. Oh > well, she stays around because I feed her, I guess.) > > Do Oracles own cats? Or at least have them roaming about the house? > What kind of cat do you have? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lowly and disrespectful supplicant, sometimes I think you are } even less wise than your cat. And quaestions like this aren't } helping your cause, let me tell you. } } Nobody actually owns cats, at least living ones (if you have } stuffed cats around you are quite welcome to them). They may } consent to live with you, be fed by you, etc. but they are } nonetheless independent individuals and no presumption of any } relationship of any kind should be made. While it is possible } that they will stay in your house and eat your food for the } rest of their lives, it is also possible that they will decide } tomorrow to go somewhere else. In this situation you should } not try to get the cat back; the cat has simply decided to } move on, and you need to accept that this phase of your } relationship is over. Unless the cat didn't actually mean to } wander off, of course, in which case you should devote all } your effort and resources in an all-out effort to find the } cat and return it to its accustomed abode. Of course there's } no way for mere humans to tell which course of action is the } correct one. This is why cats hold humans in such disdain. } } As for Oracles specifically, you probably want the Cat Oracle. } On the other hand, she's probably far too busy cleaning her } fur to listen to questions from a mere human... if you do try } to get answers from her, I suggest taking a can-opener with } you so you can at least get her attention for a short while. } If you *really* want to get in the Cat Oracle's good books, } invent a can-opener that can be used by cats. But make sure } you can live with the consequences first. Ever wonder why } cats put up with you humans? } } Speaking personally, as the Internet Oracle I don't really } have much use for pets. They're really rather hard to email, } and will remain so until the invention of Matter Transmission } Protocol in 2537. Check back then. } } You owe the Oracle about six hours of sleep. --- 1387-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Glorious Oracle, answerer of so many questions, > my favourite MUD has been down for days, and I am going through > withdrawal. What should I do to combat this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } There are so many creative ways to misconstrue this question } that I simply can't choose among them! So let me present: } } ---------------------------------------------------------- } THE INTERNET ORACLE'S TOP 10 WAYS TO COPE WHEN MUD IS DOWN } ---------------------------------------------------------- } } 10. Combat "this" by refusing to use "this" in conversation. } Replace "this" by "that", "the one I have here", etc. After } several days of ...the actions described... ...the word in } question... will feel so depressed that it will surrender } unconditionally. } } 9. Instead of going through withdrawal, go through } Albuquerque. I suppose it depends on whether you feel like } getting into a cartoon adventure (cf Bugs and Daffy) as to } whether you should turn left there or not. } } 8. Turn around and come back. After a period of withdrawal } the same length as what you've experienced so far, you'll } be back at your favourite MUD again. It may still be down, } but you won't have as far to go when it gets back up. } } 7. Don't be fooled by the advertising! Your favourite mud } is no better than common or garden variety mud, it just has } better packaging and a catchy jingle. Go grab a bucket and } a spade and make your own. Ask a small child for help if } you've forgotten how. } } 6. Give it Viagra. Then go and have a really hard^H^H^H^H } deep^H^H^H^Hlong^H^H^H^Hgood think about your life. } } 5. Take the down and use it to stuff a nice fluffy quilt. } Trust me, it'll be much more comfortable than mud on those } cold winter nights. } } 4. Mud is supposed to be down. Aerial mud is very rare, } at least mud that remains aerial for any great length of } time. So get over it. } } 3. Decide to host your own MUD. By the time you get } through setting everything up, the other one will be } back up again. } } 2. Get the maintainer to send the Oracle a tellme. Make } sure you get the question, and tell him he owes it to the } Oracle to get the MUD back up again. } } And the Number One way to cope when your MUD is down: } } 1. Give it Prozac. } } You owe the Oracle a theory about why, whenever someone } sits down to write a Top 10 list, they can only think of } 8 or at most 9 entertaining answers to put in it, so they } just make up stupid ones to fill it out. And then think } of another three funny answers after it's been sent out. --- 1387-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Prosplungent Oracle, I hold you in High eSteam, which warms your Heart > so you won't ZO'T me aggain. > > Tell me about the Dinasours and this time don't omit about the Giant > Chickenasour. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } But I just told you that story last night. Can't we do a a different } story for a change? All right, all right, don't whine. } } } } Once upon a time, long long ago when huge, ravenous candy companies } like Mars and Hershey ruled the Earth, there lived a species of bulk } candy called the Dinasours. They lived in relative peace and harmony, } herding together in the safety of caves and transparent plastic bins } at supermarkets all across the land. Being small and very tangy they } were a favorite prey of young and old alike, but because there were } so many they hardly missed the ones who were taken away and eaten. } } But one day there came a rumbling from the ground. A mighty, } foul-smelling wind called Marketing was coming, bringing change } and focus groups. "Obsolete!" the hideous Marketers shouted at the } Dinasours. Then the Marketers began a strange magical ritual that was } terrible to behold, dancing around blind taste testers and intoning } such unearthly words as "core demographic," "impulse purchase," } and the stomach-turningly... it is too a word! I looked it up!... } stomach-turningly suggestive "market penetration." } } The poor Dinasours tried to flee, but they were mesmerized by the } awful incantation. Bereft of their will, they mutated into a strange } and previously unknown species, the Chickenasour. Tangy and sweet, } made with 100% breast meat, they were the embodiment of the popular } Chinese dish "sweet and sour chicken" in convenient candy form. } At least that's what the advertising copy said. } } Still entranced by the sanity-wrenching magic of the Marketers, the } Chickenasour were led to a strange city full of unemployed rednecks } and illiterate football players, a placed called "Test Market" } by the Marketers but which polite folk know as Columbus, Ohio. } There the Chickenasour were sold into slavery, knowing that death } would comes swiftly in the mouth of some kid in a convenience store. } } But then a miracle happened. Magical fairies from the U.S. Department } of Agriculture (which really hates to be called the Department o'Fag) } appeared, accusing the Marketers of using improperly inspected meats } in their Chickenasours and demanding that they be freed (or "recalled" } as the fairies put it). Protesting weakly but powerless before the } fairies' impenetrable Code of Federal Regulations, the Marketers } agreed to recall the Chickenasours. } } Unfortunately, the Code of Federal Regulations has a different } definition of the word "recall" than the one you and I know. The Code } required that all recalled foods be destroyed and disposed of in a } sanitary landfill or sewer. So the poor Dinasours wound up flushed } down the toilet, to never be seen again. The end. } } Now go to sleep. It's already.... what's that noise? Oh, it's gone now. } I just thought I heard something under your bed. Well, good night! } } } } You owe the Oracle a bedtime story told by Martha Stewart.