From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Feb 16 09:29:48 2005 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.63) with ESMTP id j1GETmne014643; Wed, 16 Feb 2005 09:29:48 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id j1GETmNm014641; Wed, 16 Feb 2005 09:29:48 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 09:29:48 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200502161429.j1GETmNm014641@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1380 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1380 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1380 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 09:29:36 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1380 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1375 38 votes 35hb2 49e92 14la2 27hb1 47bc4 37eb3 78c65 5e892 05ch4 16ac9 1375 3.1 mean 3.1 2.9 3.2 3.1 3.1 3.1 2.8 2.7 3.5 3.6 --- 1380-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Nutrition Information For SPAM (original style): > > * Calories Per Serving: 170 > * Calories Per Serving From Fat: 140 > * Serving Size: 2 oz. > * Servings Per Container: 6 (large) or 3.5 (small) > * Total Fat: 16g > * Saturated Fat: 6g > * Cholesterol: 40mg > * Sodium: 750mg > * Total Carbohydrates: 0g > * Fiber: 0g > * Sugars: 0g > * Proteins: 7g > * Vitamin A: 0% > * Vitamin C: 0% > * Calcium: 0% > * Iron: 2% And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nutrition Information For Lisa (extra spicey style): } } * Calories Burned Per Serving: 1700 } * Calories Burned Per Serving From Fat: 1700 (it's all aerobic!) } * Serving Size: 120 lbs (SMACK!) . . .errr. . . 108 lbs } * Servings Per Container: 6 (her) or 1 (me) } * Total Fat: Zero Body Fat (Oh Yeah!) } * Saturated Fat: Zero } * Cholesterol Burned: 40mg } * Sodium Lost: 1750mg (sweating takes that right out of ya) } * Total Carbohydrates: 0g } * Fiber: 0g } * Sugars: 0g (Whip Cream style not included) } * Proteins: 17g (Ahem, getting kinda personal here) } * Vitamin A: 0% } * Vitamin C: 0% } * Calcium: 0% } * Iron: ?! } } Iron? What kind of pervert are you? } } You owe the Oracle some video of that iron in action. --- 1380-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise one who knoweth everything but is humble enough to > allow us poor simpletons a glimpse at the infinte. > > Why are fruits different colours? Wouldn't it make more sense if, for > example, vegetables were all green and fruits were all red? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fruits and vegetables are different colors to identify the different } threat levels that they contain. } } Red fruit, for example, are extremely dangerous, and should only be } eaten from under a table. } } Green vegetables, however, are much milder by comparison, and while } there is still a small risk, they can be eaten with impunity. } } Blueberries, being blue and close to green, should be eaten warily } and yellow squash or bananas contain elevated levels of unhealthiness. } } Oranges provide high risk, as do carrots. } } Tomatoes are extremely dangerous, since they often disguise themselves } as a vegetable, when, in fact, they are a fruit. } } All Americans should continue to be vigilant, take notice of their } legumes, and report suspicions fruit or vegetables to local authorities } immediately. Everybody should establish an emergency preparedness kit } as well as a communications plan for themselves and their family, and } stay informed about what to do during an emergency situation. --- 1380-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh extremely loud and violent Oracle - I'm losing my > voice and becoming very pale. > > Do I have MIME disease? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, supplicant, that's a rather vague question. You see, there are } two diseases by that very name; there's your ordinary "mime disease" } that is generally little more than moderately distressing to watch in } action, and your deadly "MIME disease" that is utterly horrible to } behold. Below is a list of symptoms, from which you can conclude } which of these two you have. } } Mime Disease | MIME Disease } -------------------------+---------------------------- } Your face is becoming | Your face is turning into } a deathly white. | a strange linear and } | numerical pattern. } | } Your talents tend to be | Your talents tend to be } requested for little | requested by particularly } children's birthday | sadistic supplicants. } parties and misguided | } circuses. | } | } You tend to get trapped | You tend to get trapped } in invisible boxes, | in the e-mail trash can } rooms, and other | after being nicely minced } imaginary objects of all | into fine pieces, except } kinds. | for the bits used in } | Zadoc's cooking... though } | now that I think of it, } | that usually tends to rot } | also since no one will } | touch the stuff. } | } You tried to tell your | Your favorite sets of } favorite number once, | characters are too long } but you couldn't talk, | and numerous to list here, } and you were only able | but many of them start } to write with on an | with "01C50". } invisible piece of paper | } with an invisible pen | } using invisible ink, so | } no one could understand. | } | } Your throat is totally | You are able to speak, but } hoarse and you are thus | only between random } unable to speak. | spoutings of unintelligible } | esoteric gibberish. } | } If imprisoned, you'll | If imprisoned, you'll } generally try to escape | generally try to escape } by attempting to push | by attempting to drive your } yourself through windows | captors insane by shouting } that are too high up for | random letters and numbers } your feeble arms to get | at them and making them } you to. | try to figure out what you } | mean. } | } You tend to get hit by | You tend to get hit by } rotten eggs. | Zot bolts. } } If you conclude that you have the former disease, I recommend seeing a } doctor and a fashion designer. Should you, however, conclude that you } have the latter disease, I recommend that you see a programmer } (if you are of mechanical origin) or a psychiatrist or asylum keeper } (if you are of organic origin). } } You owe the Oracle a better security system to keep out people with } either disease. --- 1380-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's good to get for Valentine's Day? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } laid. --- 1380-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not > understand this format, some or all of this message may not be legible. > > ------_=_NextPart_001_01C50ECA.C619F620 > Content-Type: text/plain > > *A pale-faced man, typing an imaginary email in an imaginary > computer.* > The imaginary screen reads: "This message is in MIME format". > > It appeards only a MIME or the great Internet Oracle can make any > sense of this... > > ------_=_NextPart_001_01C50ECA.C619F620-- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh great, another MIME message. These are alway so difficult. } } Okay, okay. First word. One sylable. Let's see, he's waving his hand. } Miss America? No. He's shooting a bow and arrow, but he's wearing } a feather. Oh, he's a native american. He's saying something. "How" } the first word is "how". } } Alright, second word. One syllable. Sound like...okay he's walking } funny. Limp? No. Wait he's sanding wood. He's feet are wooden, } no wait he's wearing clogs. And there's a windmill. Dutch! sounds } like Dutch. Crutch? Cluch. Much! Second word is "Much". } } Now we're getting somewhere. Third word. One syllable yet again. } He's taking off his clog. He's pointing at the clog. Shoe? No, it's } not shoe. Now he's taking an axe to the clog. He's chopping the clog. } No wait! He's chopping wood! The third word is "wood"! } } Forth word. He's putting at the clog again. Wood? He's nodding. } The forth word is wood? Yes. } } How much wood wood? That just doesn't make any sense. MIME is clearly } an inferior form of communication. I will not decode this message } any further. } } You owe The Oracle some peace and quiet. --- 1380-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Xyzzy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ralph was impressed. Despite his initial misgivings, he was now } convinced that a letter-by-letter Net Nanny software could keep his } children safe from chat-room predators. } } You owe The Oracle a years subscription to XXYZZZY YZYZ ZY. --- 1380-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You remember what you said I owe you? Of course you do! You're > almost totally omniscient. Well, I got you one, but it's not > quite the kind of thing I could put right here in a Family Oracle, > if you know what I mean. It's attached to a particularly large > futhork. How shall I send it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Carefully, or you'll rune it. --- 1380-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The grid bug bites! You are zapped! --More-- > Your ring of polymorph turns to dust and vanishes! --More-- > Your ring of polymorph control turns to dust and vanishes! --More-- > Your ring of slow digestion turns to dust and vanishes! --More-- > Your ring of teleportation turns to dust and vanishes! --More-- > Your ring of teleport control turns to dust and vanishes! --More-- > Your ring of levitation turns to dust and vanishes! --More-- > Your ring of regeneration turns to dust and vanishes! --More-- > Your ring of conflict turns to dust and vanishes! --More-- > Your wand of wishing (0:3) turns to dust and vanishes! --More-- > Your wand of death (0:8) turns to dust and vanishes! --More-- > Your staff of Zot (0:inf) turns to dust and vanishes! --More-- > You hear a maniacal laughter in the distance. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your answer to this question turns to dust and vanishes! --More-- } The laughter is me. --- 1380-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh incredibly thin and flexible Oracle who could fit > through the eye of a needle even though you are not in > the least bit camel-shaped. > > Why does someone keep stealing my paperclips? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He needs coathangers. The paperclip is the larval form. --- 1380-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Happy and Most Excellent Oracle, I leap in unbounded joy > at the very thought of getting an answer from you! > > Why does everybody hate me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Save your strength. } It's not that we're all fanatics. In the big picture, it's just a } movie, and hardly anyone gives it a passing thought. } But when we do think about it, here's what we think: } It doesn't matter what you say. The original theatrical versions of the } trilogy are the real movie, not the re-edited versions released on DVD. } I know what you're thinking - I know everything - they are your movies } and you get to say when done is done. But you're wrong. Once those } images were projected on that theater or drive-in screen and millions } of children as well as the young at heart watched them, they became the } films we remember. You can't erase that ever. All you can do is insist } that they never happened, make ridiculous changes, and tick us off. } We might have let it slide, but our confidence in your artistic } judgement was shattered by the two crappy prequels you've released. } There's a reason for the term "first draft". And what happened to } 'special effects are just tools for telling stories?' Now the story } comes to a screeching halt while we stare in disbelief at ridiculous, } fake-looking CGI characters, each with unique speech impediments, } which, along with half a dozen robots, were obviously injected just to } sell a few more action figures. Even four year olds were asking how } Watto could fly with those tiny wings that hardly move. } } So I wish there were a loftier reason, but that's it. That's why we } hate you. } } You owe the Oracle a stellar Episode III, and then all is forgiven. Or, } as Darth Vader would say, "You have failed me for the last time."