From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Jan 28 13:02:26 2005 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.63) with ESMTP id j0SI2POj013883; Fri, 28 Jan 2005 13:02:25 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id j0SI2P2V013881; Fri, 28 Jan 2005 13:02:25 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 13:02:25 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200501281802.j0SI2P2V013881@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1377 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1377 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1377 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 13:02:13 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1377 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1372 43 votes 5dj60 38de5 15kd4 1bfd3 33fca 068gd 56eg2 38ag6 58ec4 08bg8 1372 3.3 mean 2.6 3.2 3.3 3.1 3.5 3.8 3.1 3.3 3.0 3.6 --- 1377-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What should I do get a girlfriend? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hit "q," then "y." Then type "logout" and press enter. } } Exit your home. You have just seriously increased your chances of } getting a girlfriend. } } If you want to increase them further, act like a real jerk and throw } money around. You'll have one in no time. } } You owe the Oracle something in the way she moves. --- 1377-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: tony@thehappythrix.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most keen and swell, please tell me: > > What should I do with the body? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What'll you do with the mashed up body, } What'll you do with the mashed up body, } What'll you do with the mashed up body, } Earl-aye in the morning? <>/ } } Refrain [Chorus]:/ } Way hay and up it rises } Pat-ent blocks o' diff'rent siz-es,<> } Way hay and up it rises } Earl-aye in the morning } } 1. Stuff it in the closet, till there's no odour, } Stuff it in the closet, till there's no odour, } Stuff it in the closet, till there's no odour, } Earl-aye in the morning. } } 2. Tie a cannon ball and drop it in th' water. } Tie a cannon ball and drop it in th' water. } Tie a cannon ball and drop it in th' water. } Earl-aye in the morning. } } 3. Put it in bed with the judge's daughter } Put it in bed with the judge's daughter } Put it in bed with the judge's daughter } Till she's like totally freaked out } } 4. Boil it in a bucket of salted water } Boil it in a bucket of salted water } Boil it in a bucket of salted water } An' add anchovies if'ya like them. } } 5. Dress him up like a homo senator, } Dress him up like a homo senator, } Dress him up like a homo senator, } The authorities will hush it up. } } 6. Take 'im to class with you in the morning } Take 'im to class with you in the morning } Take 'im to class with you in the morning } If you're a major in biology. } } 7. Take him to McDonalds with ya } Take him to McDonalds with ya } Take him to McDonalds with ya } And sell him off as dead meat. --- 1377-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracular Oracle! I am your Spurious Supplicant, > and I was going to tell you about my problem with > the pervious messages. You'll notice (as you bask in > your infinite omniscience) that I said pervious and > not previous. > > Please do not pay any attention to them. I've gotten > in over my head in this supplication thing, and will > soon drown in an overflow of brain juice, as it is all > frying my skull and my brain is leaking. I think it, > too, is pervious. > > Please tell me how to avoid sending stupid supplications. > Twenty suggestions for good topics and another ten for > good grovels would help immensely. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The List of the 20 good topics and 10 good Grovels: } } 01. Otters } 02. Jelly } 10. Vaseline } 11. Latex } 12. Latex 2e } 20. Quarks } } Ten Good Grovels: } 01. Oh wise Oracle, who knows ternary numbers... } 10. Oh wise Oracle, who knows binary numbers... } } You owe the Oracle the list of the 10 categories of people who know } binary and those who do not. --- 1377-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I like words with doubble or trippple lettters. > Please send me ten words with trippple lettters. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Whencee'er such questions of me someone does ask, } I look back to Lisa who in her goddessship doth bask, } If 't'weren't for her patronessship, I'd take you to task, } How dare you doth attempt, to my bossship unmask. } } Why on the www such fooolish pranks do you play? } I'd rip out your home, down to a wallless disarray, } Yet I am kind, generous, even gallless you may say, } I answer you wisely, and with glee'even this day } } But enough is enough, so shut up and sit down, you son of a b***h } In each line here your triplet you'll find, tell me now if you find any } glitch. } } == } You owe the oracle a hardcopy of Roget's thesaurus with an inbuilt grep } function. } == --- 1377-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ah! Beauteaous, Cool, Deified, Ever Fragrant, Greatly Haughty, > Intelligent, Just, Kindly Loving, Magnificently Noble, Oracle, > plotting quite recently some typically, unfathomably, Vague Warlike > Xcheme Your Zealness. Please tell me how to use write more precisely > and concisely, without filling my writings with vaccuous meaningless > ornamentation. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Most humble, deferential, courteous and respectful supplicant, your } desire not to be wordy, prolix, pleonastic or sesquipedalian is most } commendable, creditable, laudable and dare I say it, meritorious. } However, cutting out -- not to mention excising -- excess and } unwanted verbiage from one's compositions can be as difficult and } demanding as eliminating surplus calories from one's diet. After } all, even the Oracle is not immune to accreting an extra pound or } two, particularly over the recent holiday season. Metaphysically } speaking, of course. } } Fortunately, the solution is much the same in either case. The most } effective method is simply to remove the principle source of } temptation. In my case, this was achieved by donating all my mince } pies and other leftovers to the local chapter of the Society for } Underfed Labradoodles. In yours, I suggest you destroy, ditch, } discard or otherwise get shot of your thesaurus. } } You owe the Oracle a one line question, next time. --- 1377-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Several nights ago I had the honor of actually meeting one of your > Priests. Contrary to some of the rumors on the 'net, he did not > seem to be demented, warped, or an unfortunate possessor of the 24th > chromosome. We had a pleasant discussion about many diverse topics. > > Unfortunately, in the excitement of actually meeting one of your > priests, I forgot to grovel, bow, scrape, or beg while in his august > presence. In addition, I forgot to offer tributes of any kind to > this person. > > Am I going to hell for my transgression, or does a worse fate await me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah.. premature oraculation, I see.. --- 1377-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and powerful Oracle, keeper of all knowledge . . . > > What's the best way to cure incontinence? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you can try to just contact the UN and declare yourself a } seperate continent, but I doubt anthing will work. You're going to have } to just pretend. } } You owe the O a pun about lemurs and cell phones. --- 1377-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello, you are probably surprised to receive this letter because > we have never met. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Dr. Julius > P. Sphincter, Professor of Pharmacology at the University of Daban, > in South Africa, and also the Minister of Pharmaceutical Medicine > for South Africa. I am writing to you because of my profound > dilemma, in the hope that you can help. > > Firstly, I urge you not to attempt to telephone or fax to me, nor > to send e-mail, because that would merely injure my already difficult > situation. > > Last year I suddenly came into a fortune. My brother-in-law, Prof. > Dr. Mugumbu Tonale Finguru, whose mother was the second wife of > German financier Hans-Heinrich Scheissbender, told me that his late > mother had confided in him about a large amount of money in an > Austrian bank account. We do not know how the money came to be > there, and frankly we would prefer not to know or to be asked. > > This is where you can help us. We are in need of a bank account > in the US State of Indiana, where you are a resident. A little-known > law allows a US citizen to transfer money without taxes or scrutiny. > The total sum is approximately $45.000.000,00. I would propose that > for your kind assistance you keep $5.000.000 (five million US dollars) > and that the remainder be forwarded to my secret account in the > town of Arschlochdorf in Switzerland, where it will be safe. > > Please advise soonest. J. P. Sphincter, PhD And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, sure. My bank account number is... good lord, Dr. Sphincter are } you alright? You seem to have spontaneously broken your nose. Here, let } me give you a handkerchief for the blood. Now what was I saying? My } heavens, now both your ribs are broken. You really should get to a } hospital. } } Oh, of course... how silly of me: you said that emailing you would } cause you injury. But how else was I supposed to give you my bank - } yes, yes, I imagine it would be hard to type with first degree burns } all down your right arm. } } You must be suffering from the newly discovered internet allergy which } causes spontaneous actual bodily harm when you communicate through } technological means. They won't find a cure for a few years so in the } meantime my advice is, don't read any... } } Dr. Sphincter? Dr. Sphincter, can you hear me? } } Never mind my bank account number, I don't think you'll be needing it } anymore. } } You owe the Oracle $45 000 000 bequeathed in your will. --- 1377-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle magnus, quid est veritas? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Popoculus nautus sum } Popoculus nautus sum } Pugnabo ad finem } Quod edero spinem } Popoculus nautus sum --- 1377-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Fluffy Oracle, did you know that you can learn the most amazing > stuff on the Internet? F'rinstance, I learned that you look just > like Harvey, the invisible rabbit! Now I begin to understand how > you can be so smart and not show it, all at the same time. > > I have a rabbit, but he's a lot smaller than Harvey. What I need > to know is, how can I keep my friends from trying to pick him up > by the ears. (This will seriously injure or kill a rabbit, ad > you well know.) I yell at them, and they laugh, and go for his > ears. I have to bop them in the face to make them stop. I'm > losing friends very fast. Apparently I am neither pleasant nor > smart. Please advise alternate methods. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Poor bunny. I know how he feels. I've been picked up by several } appendages that were never meant to support my entire body weight. My } uvula is still sore from that last time... but you don't want to hear } about that. } } There are many ways to convince guests to avoid pulling your bunny's } ears. Unfortunately most of them involve lethal force, and since you're } worried about losing more friends I think we can rule them out. You've } already tried non-lethal means, but that's clearly not sufficient. } Besides, if you should be surrounded by a pack of ravenous friends, one } of them will grab your bunny's ears while you're bopping another in the } face. You need something that works all the time, not something that } requires your intervention. } } Have you considered trading your bunny in on a pit bull? Landlord said } no? Well, it was a thought. } } How does this sound: make your bunny's ears so slippery he can't be } picked up by them. There are a number of water-based lubricants that } are meant for use on skin, so they should be safe for your bunny. } They're available in a number of pleasing scents and flavors, and some } even feel warm when you blow on them. If you lube your bunny's ears, } nobody will be able to pick hm up that way. } } Too messy? Well, I never had that much trouble... I mean, I've never } heard anyone complain about the mess, but perhaps something like a good } wax job? I've never known ANYBODY that wanted to touch a nice, heavy } layer of ear wax. Problem solved! } } You owe the Oracle a case of Turtle Wax and tickets to the race.