From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Oct 26 08:34:10 2004 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.62) with ESMTP id i9QDY9WE003113; Tue, 26 Oct 2004 08:34:10 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id i9QDY9ks003111; Tue, 26 Oct 2004 08:34:09 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 26 Oct 2004 08:34:09 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200410261334.i9QDY9ks003111@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1372 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1372 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1372 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 26 Oct 2004 08:33:58 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1372 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1367 51 votes 25kf9 37dee 2aih4 3bcg9 26ki5 3acm4 34kg8 16chf 4bk79 5jfc0 1367 3.3 mean 3.5 3.6 3.2 3.3 3.4 3.3 3.4 3.8 3.1 2.7 --- 1372-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Nozotting@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O oracle who is all-knowing, please tell me.. > Well, anything you like, I'm not going to get on your bad side by > making demands of you, oh no. I've heard of the staff of zot, so don't > mind me, tell me.... something. whatever, O great one. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank you for calling the Oracle. Your question has been resolved by } our automatic answering system. Please select from the following } clichM-i responses: } } 1) *ZOT* } 2) 42 } 3) E=MC^2 } 4) Thank you for calling the Oracle. Your question has been resolved } by our automatic answering system. --- 1372-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Nozotting@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > why is that cat watching me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because you keep poking your head out and squeaking. Shut up for a } bit, go back into your hole, eat your cheese, and he'll go away. } } You owe the Oracle a better mousetrap. --- 1372-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I *told* them not to put that thing in the microwave, but would they > listen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh dear supplicant. You specifically told them it would be a bad idea } to put it in the microwave. } You told them that it would be painful } You told them that it would be dangerous } You told them NOT to do it under any circumstances. } } But you demonstrated the effects of a microwave oven on marshmallows } And they're 13. } What did you expect them to do. } } You owe the oracle 1000 words on the topic of "reverse psychology and } teenagers" once you get back from the ER. --- 1372-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O' Omniscent Oricle. What is Infinity minus Infinity? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Inanity. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Infinite Jest. Autographed. By } the author. --- 1372-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear 'orrific 'oracle, > I'm kinda getting the idea that some of my friends think I'm strange > because I believe, in addtion to all the other commonly-accepted > conspiracies, that there's a media conspiracy to eliminate gender and > promote homosexuality in the western world. Am I imagining their > funny looks, or what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } Do you like show tunes? Gilbert and Sullivan, maybe? } Do you see a homosex conspiracy everywhere you look? } } To the tune of "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General" } } Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy. } On radio, the movies, and especially on the TV. } He gets all the allusions that are made about his testicles. } He's jealous of the Nellies who are emptying their vesicles. } His mind: it never takes a break, it's never on sabbatical. } And he can see neuroses that are unseen by the practical. } When he is with a girl, he always wonders why the others } stare... } He says he's not neurotic: just obsessed with being self-aware. } } Chorus: } He says he's not neurotic: just obsessed with being self-aware. } He says he's not neurotic: just obsessed with being self-aware. } He says he's not neurotic: just obsessed with being self-aware. } } He's very good at understanding hidden things surrounding us. } He's such a friend that he'll horn in, revealing what's } confounding us. } In short, in all the media, especially on the TV, } Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy. } } Chorus: } In short, in all the media, especially on the TV, } Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy. } } He claims if he speaks out that the Authorities will lock him up. } But secretly he longs for some butch cop to beat and knock him up. } He can quote the "whats" and "whys" of matters psychological. } And points out to all others their psychoses pathological. } } He can spot the closet queens with gaydar unassailable. } But says for their intentions he's completely unavailable. } Then he'll get into aliens, and government economy, } The Templar Knights, the Masons, then it's all Mayan astronomy. } } Chorus: } The Templar Knights, the Masons, then it's all Mayan astronomy. } The Templar Knights, the Masons, then it's all Mayan astronomy. } The Templar Knights, the Masons, then it's all Mayan astronomy. } } He'll turn up in strange bars and diners, manic in the dead of } night. } And in angry froth and foam he'll rant about our gender-plight. } In short, in all the media, especially on the TV, } Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy. } } Chorus: } In short, in all the media, especially on the TV, } Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy. } } He knows what is meant by "pederasty", and by "Babylon". } And if things are tough at home, he'll pack his bags and travel } on. } He'll reappear with a new job: a pie to stick his finger in. } And tell strange tales of strange affairs in places strange to } linger in. } He will saliently describe his new-found personality, } And castigate all those he knows: immersed in their banality. } In short, he's got a hang-up and he's constantly denying it. } But I sure wouldn't be surprised the day he ends up trying it. } } Chorus: } But I sure wouldn't be surprised the day he ends up trying it. } But I sure wouldn't be surprised the day he ends up trying it. } But I sure wouldn't be surprised the day he ends up trying it. } } For all of his self knowledge, (and he is quite intellectual) } I guess I could be very wrong and he's not homosexual. } But still, in all the media, especially on the TV, } Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy. } } Chorus: } But still, in all the media, especially on the TV, } Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy. --- 1372-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the difference between Pandora's box > and Orion's belt? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Orion has to remove one before he gets at the other. } } You owe the Oracle Achilles' heel. --- 1372-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The form requests that I enter the names of my coworkers. > > I don't have any cows, and there's nobody here who does > that, at least not anymore. Why aren't they in Indiana > instead? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We'll the cows you're talking about can only be found in the dark land } of Mordor. You see, since the fall of Sauron, his dark army has been } greatly depleated. A group of evil wizards arose who decided that the } easiest way to repopulate the army is to transform the common bovine } into ghastly killers. These cow orkers (or the more accepted speling, } "cow orc-ers") therefore dwell far enough away where you don't need to } worry about including them on any forms you fill out. } } You owe the Oracle a vorpal cattle prod. --- 1372-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise Oracle... > > we try to show what emails can do. > Is there something to tell me how emails are working ? > What about the secrets of emails ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I would like to answer your questions, but I'm rather busy right now. } } You see, I'm a Nigerian Prince, who has recently been deposed in a } coup, and needs to find $100,000 to finance a counter coup and regain } my throne If only I could find a benefactor, I'd be happy to repay him } 100-fold once I've regained my rightful position as head of state of } my oil righ homeland. } } You owe The Oracle your bank account details. --- 1372-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, tell me, most wise and fair Oracle: > > WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When the server was nice(1)'d, the drive was swappin' } And everybody writing on wall(1) } I tell all the users "the uptime's fallin'" } Then the scripts go do the fork(1) call } The poor drive goes down } } WHO LET THE BOTS OUT (w? ps -ef? who?) } WHO LET THE BOTS OUT (finger @? rwho? who?) } WHO LET THE BOTS OUT (host -t rr? whois? who?) } WHO LET THE BOTS OUT (lsof? ls /proc? who?) --- 1372-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Afternoon Orrie, > > I'm hoping you can help me with a most puzzling question. > > Every morning I take a 20 minute driver to work with a friend of mine. > Our route takes us across country for the majority of the journey, > passing through a small village about halfway through. > > Every day we see this chap walking in the opposite direction down > the country road. He is fairly well built, although he looks a > little unkempt. We affectionately know him as "Beardy" on account > of him once having a beard. (He seems to have shaved it off now, > but the name has stuck) > > My question is.. What does this chap do all day? > > One day when I had to leave work early I saw him walking BACK the > other way. I once even saw him in my home town with some shopping > bags. that means he must walk there and back EVERY day. That's a > good 3 hours of walking. > > Why? Why doesn't he get a bike? Why doesn't he get a job closer to home > (assuming he is walking to work) > > I'm often tempted to turn around and give him a lift to find out more > about him, but we're scared he might be an Axe Murderer. > > Anyway, are you able to shed any light on this at all? > > Rob And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, boy... I hate being the one to break up one of these } delicately-balanced government conspiracies. You'd better sit down. } Zadoc, get my ottoman. } } The short answer is--this fellow you call "Beardy"--he's you, } Supplicant. } } Do you remember your childhood? Do you remember your high school } math teacher's name? How about your first date? How clearly can } you recall these things? } } The real Rob was captured 6 years ago by Echelon Delta--a rogue } offshoot of the C.I.A.--and subjected to some of the most terrible } tortures imaginable. He had, in the course of his long walks, } stumbled on a secret so crucial to the security of the Echelon (along } with several high-level, cross-government conspiracies) that they } decided it safer to replace him than to cause him to "disappear", } drawing attention to Rob and the route of his daily promenade. } } When, in the course of his escape, he discovered your partially-cloned } body floating in a memory- implantation capsule, he turned his twin } sumachine guns on your half-formed self. Although he was chased off } by the Elite Guard before he could finish the job, the capsule and } the organism inside were nearly destroyed. This explains your hazy } memories--as well as that scar of yours. Rob himself melted into } the jungle surrounding Echelon Delta's palace. A body wearing his } clothes eventually washed up near the loading dock, and he was assumed } (amid the clinking of many champagne glasses) to have drowned swimming } back to the mainland. } } The facial hair was at first a relatively effective disguise, but he } eventually opted for the more- reliable, and less-itchy, solution of } plastic surgery. } } Rob's current neighbours think him a little neurotic, and his old } neighbours do not think of him at all; but he knows that his life, } as it was, can never be regained without once again attracting the } attention of Echelon Delta. Emotionally hardy and physically fit, } he is content to continue his existence in relative poverty and } complete obscurity, still enjoying his lengthy walks. Each day, } you see, he heads into your town while you are at work, peeking in } the windows of his old home to watch his beloved children grow up. } And silently plotting against you. } } Well, that's just about it. I hope you're happy. I strongly suggest } avoiding unusual behaviour, and not approaching the real Rob. For my } part, I'll be keeping my Staff handy, and Zadoc between myself and } the door. } } You owe the Oracle a box set of Philip K. Dick's less-inspired novels.