From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Oct 8 09:19:56 2004 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.62) with ESMTP id i98EJt5g028625; Fri, 8 Oct 2004 09:19:55 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id i98EJt0V028623; Fri, 8 Oct 2004 09:19:55 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 8 Oct 2004 09:19:55 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200410081419.i98EJt0V028623@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1371 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1371 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1371 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 08 Oct 2004 09:19:43 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1371 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1366 46 votes 149ie 269ib 1cje0 259ic 36ebc 27hg4 4agf1 28e9d 07aja 03bdj 1366 3.5 mean 3.9 3.7 3.0 3.7 3.5 3.3 3.0 3.5 3.7 4.0 --- 1371-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Nozotting@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ohracle, oh ohracle, why did I just have such a beautiful and intense > dream? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Boy, that *was* pretty intense, wasn't it? } } Okay, here's the rundown. The bit at the beginning with the hamsters } was a symbolic representation of parenthood, which is why Superman was } there--did you notice he was wearing your father's shoes? } } Your wood shop teacher from high school was yelling at you about how } you were building the hamster cage, and that's obviously a } fear-of-authority thing, but he was wearing lipstick because he also } represented your own uncertainty about issues of sexuality. The adult } diapers were a symbol for childish vulnerability. } } Obviously, the fact that this was all happening in Germany in the 1930s } was about impending mortality and the larger sweep of history, but } mainly it was because you'd been listening to the _Producers_ } soundtrack before you went to bed (that's really the only reason Paris } Hilton and Brad Pitt were doing that goose-stepping tapdance with those } little fake Hitler mustaches on their lips, too, right before they } started licking the backs of your knees). } } The cheese factory was puberty, and the part where you started growing } antlers that dripped blood was a combined phallic/menstrual } image--which is a pretty rare and sophisticated thing to get in a } dream, I have to tell you! Kudos. Of course I hardly need explain the } bit where your wood shop teacher comes back in and cuts them off with a } circular saw. } } I hope this explanation is helpful to you. Do keep an eye on tonight's } dreams, by the way! There'll be some particularly amusing rebirth } symbolism in the one about John Kerry setting you on fire and turning } you into a big chicken. } } You owe the Oracle some eggs. --- 1371-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great one! Wise one! > > i have this terrible crush ona workmate. Should I kiss him? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm feeling a little under the weather today, and am not quote up to my } usual omniscience. I feel bad, but what can I do? I think maybe it } was those shellfish. I can answer your question, but it is too much } effort right now to tell which gender you are and whether you are } attractive. I will supply answers for all four possibilities: } } If you are male and attractive - no. He will take offense and the fact } that you are good-looking will further poison his heart against you. } } If you are male and unattractive - no. He will take offense and the } fact that you are not good-looking will further poison his heart } against you. } } If you are female and attractive - no. He will freak out and die. } } If you are female and unattractive - no. He will freak out and die. } } Preferable by far to a kiss is an anonymous love note, or the } introduction of a family of chipmunks into one of the drawers of his } desk. } } You owe the Oracle some wax lips. --- 1371-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there a joke in here somewhere? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (looks down the length of the bar at the various patrons) } } No jokes, but a priest, a rabbi, and a horse just walked into the } bar. --- 1371-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Criminal activity? What's that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's examine criminal activity. } } First, we observe the criminal at rest, slumbering } contentedly, dreaming of ill-gotten gains. There is } little or no activity. } } Next, we examine him when he is awake. He moves about, } but without performing any criminal acts. } } Finally we watch him on a caper. His knife is ready, } and he believes himself invincible. He moves about } quite a bit, collecting loot and piling it up. } } Oh, I forgot, after arrest and conviction, we get to } watch him in the slammer. He's pacing back and forth, } trying to figure out how to not get caught next time. } } Those are the basic activities. } } You owe the Oracle your promise that you won't try } this at home. --- 1371-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Isn't Natural selection based on circular reasoning: > the fittest are those who survive, and those who > survive are deemed the fittest? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, that's two separate statements, but I understand your confusion: } proponents of Natural Selection will promote one or the other. If } you gathered a hundred of them in a school gymnasium, about half would } state the first, a third would state the second, and the remainder } would state both... but they're more confused than you are, and won't } notice that I've locked the doors on the gym. } } Natural Selection, like homeostatis, isn't a real force but a generic } idea. You can't observe Natural Selection in action, nor can you } employ it. When I half-fill the gymnasium with water, it's not Natural } Selection that drowns the people who can't swim -- that's me with a } pipewrench. } } The survivors who believe the first statement will be treading water } and saying "ha! They're dead, I'm alive, that proves that people who } can swim are more deserving of surviving!" The survivors who believe } the second statement will be treading water and saying "not } necessarily; we're not out of this mess yet, so just swimming isn't } enough to prove we're fit to survive." At this point the snipers pop } out and shoot anyone who's been talking out loud. } } Those who believed in both statements at the same time, without } bothering with the contradiction, were silently reconsidering their } position: how can a casual relationship between fitness and survival } operate in both directions? But, humans are fascinating in their } ability to believe many things at once, intentionally ignorant of any } overlap or contradictions. For these silent contemplators, I release } the sharks into the water. } } Ah, but with one's last dying breath, a shark-hunting Natural Selection } philosopher might say "ah, the sharks were the most fit to survive, as } we believers in Natural Selection are drowned, shot, and torn to shreds } by the blood-frenzied sharks, but the sharks are still swimming. Well, } if that last philosopher manages to keep body and spirit together just } a little longer, I'll run 20,000 volts through the flooded gymnasium, } stunning the sharks enough to asphyxiate them all just to prove my } point. } } My point being: Natural Selection doesn't exist. Those who survive, } survive. Those who don't, don't. It's up to each creature to survive } and perpetuate their genotype, and staying away from gymnasiums filled } with philosophers is a step in the right direction. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Machiavelli's "The Prince." --- 1371-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's broken? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ummm...let's see...your hands? } } *buzzer sound* } } Damn. Your feet? } } *buzzer sound* } } Ugh. Your nose? } } *buzzer sound* } } NOT WORTH IT! } } *****ZOT***** } } You owe the Oracle a game show that's actually fun. --- 1371-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Fresh clean air around my head, mornings tumble out of bed... > > Oracle, greatest of all beings, will you tell me what the purpose of > rabbits is? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Rabbits have several purpouses depending on who you talk to. Here's the } big list. } } Darwin- To make more new and improved rabbits } Dawkins- To act as a vessel for the genes which make up a rabbit's DNA } Og- Mmm. Snack with den-tal floss. } Aristotle- To embody all the qualities of rabbitness. } Adams- To build themselves a new home, to make an allegorical story and } to make me a lot of money. } Lisa- (No answer given to the question, but I was unable to stop her } giggling for at least half a day.) } } You owe it to the oracle to stop rabbiting on. --- 1371-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, wisest of the wise guys, > > Would it be appropriate to pay my respects to Rodney Dangerfield? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He wouldn't get them. --- 1371-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Orrie wilson, > > how do you avoid Carpal Tunnel Syndrome? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } By bracing the tunnels with metatarsal struts. And keeping a canary } around, to check for dangerous levels of gas. } } You owe the Oracle a fresh canary. --- 1371-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and grandly defecating Oracle, > > We're moving this Saturday, and I've hardly gotten anything into boxes > yet. Could you lend me your mass-transference apparatus so I can move > our furniture and belongings with minimal trouble? > > Thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Supplicant: Yes? } } Delivery Dude: This the Supplicant household? } } Supplicant: Well, yes, I guess so. } } [ Delivery Dude stares at Supplicant as he slowly } shifts his cigar from one side of his mouth to } the other. ] } } Supplicant: Yes, yes. This is the Supplicant household. } } Delivery Dude: Sign, here. And here. And then you can } take delivery of the dangest big honkin' } sling-shot I've ever seen.