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Date: Thu, 12 Aug 2004 10:09:10 -0500 (EST)
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu>
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1367
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=== 1367 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1367
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 12 Aug 2004 10:08:59 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
    1367
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1362  60 votes 3ablf 38glc 2cw95 47ihe flf36 37igg 1cpg6 48jhc bbdj6 3in97
1362  3.2 mean  3.6   3.5   3.0   3.5   2.4   3.6   3.2   3.4   3.0   3.0

--- 1367-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What stupid pop-culture literate yet psychologically worthless "Which
> ______ are you?" quiz are you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                        !!! THE TOIJ QUIZ !!!
}                        ---------------------
}                      Which Internet Oracle (tm)
}                      Tired Old In-Joke Are You?
}
} Score yourself against each of the following statements on a scale of
} 1 to 5, where 1 = strongly agree, and 5 = strongly disagree.
}
}  1. I know everything there is to know, period.
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
}  2. People tell me I am a net.sex.goddess, and I agree.
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
}  3. I adore my boss, but he doesn't appreciate me.
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
}  4. I like to chuck wood.
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
}  5. I answer any question people ask me, except when they don't
}     grovel.
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
}  6. I'm into shirking, nose-picking and acne.
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
}  7. My knees hurt most of the time.
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
}  8. I'm so hot I cause spontaneous erections at 500 paces.
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
}  9. I am always kind, understanding and patient with people, except
}     when they don't grovel.
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
} 10. I really like to chuck wood.
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
} 11. My job includes sweeping floors, cleaning toilets and repairing
}     plastic inflatable sheep.
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
} 12. I'm sexually attracted to immortal, omniscient beings - and also
}      anything that moves.
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
} 13. My spirit regularly enters into people (aka "incarnations") who
}     really ought to get out more.
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
} 14. To be honest, I quite enjoy being constantly humiliated and
}     verbally abused.
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
} 15. Did I mention I like to chuck wood?
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
} 16. I'm either an ancient Greek deity, or a computer program written
}     by a guy called Kinzler, or both.
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
} 17. I like wearing black, living in Atlanta and having a surname that
}     rhymes with "spew".
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
} 18. I'm a team of 3 fearless women who will answer any question, any
}     place, any time, in return for large sums of money.
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
} 19. Look, some of us worked hard to forget that whole unfortunate DRI
}     business, so don't start raking it all up again, OK?
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
} 20. Sorry - pretend I didn't mention it.
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
} 21. I would have been immortal too if only Handel had managed to
}     spell my name right. You write it with a "C", dillweed!
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
} 22. Once a year, on the 2nd of February, I break off chucking wood to
}     give a weather forecast.
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
} 23. When not having sex, I like to go shopping. Just kidding! Who has
}     the time?
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
} 24. As giving weather forecasts frequently ends up with me being
}     kidnapped by a deranged Bill Murray, I mostly just stick to
}     chucking wood.
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
} 25. I'm Steve Irwin.
}       (1)          (2)          (3)          (4)          (5)
}
}                          +---------------+
}                          |    SUBMIT     |
}                          +---------------+
}
} Now, let me see... that's a 1, 2, 5, 5, 1, 5, 4, 3... Click on
} Submit...
}
} "You are the Internet Oracle. You are infinitely wise, infinitely
} understanding and infinitely generous, except when supplicants don't
} grovel like they're supposed to, in which case you generally ZOT them
} to smithereens in a fit of pique."
}
} Well, that's me done. How did you score? In the absence of anything
} remotely resembling a grovel, I sure hope for your sake you don't
} turn out to be a Supplicant.

--- 1367-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Eternal,
>
> If maturity is knowing when and where to be immature, how mature
> are you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    ------------------------------------------------------------
}
}    \|/ _\/_ \|/   \|/ \/__ \|/   \|/ _\/_ \|/   \|/ \/__ \|/
}     @~/ Oo \~@     @~/Oo  \~@     @~/ Oo \~@     @~/Oo  \~@
}    /_( \__/ )_\   /_(\__/  )_\   /_( \__/ )_\   /_(\__/  )_\
}       \__U_/         \_U__/         \__U_/         \_U__/
}
}   ------------------------------------------------------------

--- 1367-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O almighty oracle, exemplar of knowledgability! When I close the
> fridge, does the light stay on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cold it was, above the icy trays, when others would have turned back
} but the mighty little brave refrigerator light,
} had the kind of courage lesser appliance components lack!
}
} "Stay on!" he shouted to his crew, "Stay on!" he urged them all.
} "Stay on!" the light he begged of them, "I will illuminate
} you, carrots, condiments, and all!"
}
} But the heads of salad lacking ears, listened not to the
}   words he did say,
} and far below slaw in a bowl, and the crisper began to
}   dismay!
} They had not the heart to tell the light once the door
}   was no more ajar,
} He'd blink right out, though his filament stout, and he'd
}   be dark as the heart of a jar.
}
} <sniff>
}
} Kind of gets you right there, don't it?
}
} You owe the Oracle a hankie.

--- 1367-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Feelin' Hot Hot HOT!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah.  Og not sit on fire again either.

--- 1367-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, thou for whom the very leaves fall from trees. Thou for
> whom puddles dry up. Thou for whom sour cream goes sour, pray tell me.
>
> Orrie, I've been wondering about this mole for quite some while.
> Should I go see a doctor about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle recommends that moles see the doctor only if they have a
} rectal temperature greater than 108 degrees.  However, any mole that
} will allow you to take its temperature rectally is certainly ill, so if
} you are able to get a temperature reading, you should bring the mole
} to a doctor right away.  If the mole does not allow you to check its
} temperature, then the Oracle suspects that it is perfectly healthy.
} In those cases, you are likely to need medical attention for the
} wounds you received while attempting to take the mole's temperature.

--- 1367-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I'm seeking empolyment as a teacher of English.
> You will notice how I mever make any misteaks in
> my writing because I am very good at grammer and
> spellling.  This makes me suitably suitable for
> the job.
>
> You are very smart and know evertyhing.  Please
> tell me where I might should apply for work.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} CONGRATULATIONS, Mortal!  You are the one millionth supplicant to
} ask me a question in which the entire point of the humor is the
} seeding of ironic misspellings and grammatical booboos.  You don't
} win a prize, as such, but you *are* spared the painful zotting that
} your 999,999 predecessors suffered.
}
} Your particular Frequently Asked Theme (FAT) is ranked number 10 in
} popularity (among supplicants, *not* among Oracular Incarnations),
} and it is moving rapidly upward in the standings.  You may be
} interested in knowing what the other FATs are and how yours stacks
} up against the competition:
}
} 9) Nethack
}      (1,000,002 - just hit the threshold last week, still dribbling
}      in after all these years)
} 8) Pinky and the Brain
}      (1,047,926 - barely hit seven figures, then completely dropped
}      off in frequency, should be off the chart soon, narf!)
} 7) Stolen Steven Wright jokes
}      (1,593,208 - driving on the parkway still keeps the mortals in
}      stitches, it seems)
} 6) Monty Python
}      (5,160,214 - thirty years later, and still going and going...)
} 5) Randomly juxtaposed words and thoughts, lacking any context
}      (14,799,415 - Britain's other gift to the comedy world)
} 4) Monica Lewinsky
}      (69,696,969 - it's been a while, who was she, again?)
} 3) Question involving Computer Geekiness
}      (4,294,967,296 - given the medium what else would you expect?)
} 2) Blank question / mistaken tellme or askme
}      (9,876,543,210 - ever popular)
}
} And the #1 FAT:
}
} 1) W**DCH*CKS!!!!    (aleph null - enough said )
}
} You owe the Oracle the locations of the intentional errors in this
} reply.  Look carefully.

--- 1367-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Resonant,
>
> Is animal magnetism becoming a big problem?  I keep hearing about
> it on television, although usually only during the cinema reviews.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ZADOC! Pull that kitten off of the fridge, it's cruel to use him to
} hold up your shopping list.  I don't care if it was an accident the
} first time, you get his faraday collar on right this very second
} before Lisa ses what you've done. And get my monitor demoussed.
} It's so bad that I can hardly see what this supplicant's saying.
}
} Dear supplicant,
}
} You have NO idea how bad.
}
} You owe the oracle a ferromagnetic litter tray

--- 1367-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, you are a master of both the art of riding horses and the
> surfing of waves, you have seen the bottom of the sea and the too
> narrow sides of creeks! Oh wise Oracle, please answer this question
> for me.
>
> Why doesn't Russia allow Japan to log Siberia?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Very well supplicant. The answer is that the russians know that siberia
} is a division of russia. Since siberia makes up 75% of the land mass of
} russia, S/R= 0.75
}
} The russians therefore know that if they allow the japanese to log
} siberia, it will have negative consequences.
}
} You owe the Oracle some natural logs for his fire.

--- 1367-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Great & productive Oracle, you are the biggest rooster in the coop!
>
> Where are the lost cards?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One is at the top of yonder misty mountain crag,
} Surrounded by grey dandelions, grass and rocks and scrag,
} One is in the heart of a great bonfire without end,
} Inside a vessel proof from fire, and guarded by a friend,
} One is in the vacuum that surrounds this planet Earth,
} One is in a chicken's egg a-waiting for the birth,
} And one's in Satan's condom box, so give it up, 'cause heck,
} No matter what, you'll ne'er again play cards with a full deck.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fair shuffle.

--- 1367-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O The Oracle Man! He works for free;
} An' he's the GOODEST being ever did you see!
} He comes to our 'puter, every morn,
} An' answers Supplicants questions, even the blanks and (some) porn!
} An' he opens the spam filter -- an' we all ist laugh
} When he shows 'at the junk there's been cut more than by half.
} An' nen (if his sweetie SAYS 'at he can)
} He climbs back in bed with his Lisa-beth Ann.
}   Ain't he a awful good Oracle Man?
}     Oracle! Oracle! Oracle Man!
}
} W'y, The Oracle Man--he's ist SO good
} He splits infinitives to ist SHOW 'at he COULD;
} An' nen he foresees "Who" will be on "First", too,
} An' does... well, MOST things 'at HUMANS can't do!
} He clumbed way down below the root of a tree
} An' ZOTed a woodchuck up fer me--
} An' nother'n, too, fer Lisa-beth Ann--
} An' nother'n, too, fer The Oracle Man--
}   Ain't he a awful kind Oracle Man?
}     Oracle! Oracle! Oracle Man!
}
} An' The Oracle Man, he knows most rhymes
} An' tells 'em -- ef I be good (sometimes);
} Knows 'bout Og, an' Kendai, an' a Elf,
} An' the Zadoc creature what trips over hisself!
} An', wite by the pump in our pasture-lot,
} He showed me the hole 'at the Incarnations is got,
} 'At lives 'way deep in the ground,
} An' can turn into me, er Lisa-beth Ann,
}   Or even the funny ol' Oracle Man!
}    Oracle! Oracle! Oracle Man!
}
} The Oracle Man--one time when he
} Wuz makin' a little answer, IST fer ME,
} Says, "When you're big, like your Pa is,
} Air you go' to have a nerd job like his--
} An' be a hack programmer -- an' wear unhip clothes?--
} Er what AIR you go' to be, goodness knows?"
} An' nen he goosed sweet Lisa-beth Ann,
} W'ile I says "I'm gonna be a Oracle Man!
}   I'm ist goin' to be a nice Oracle Man!
}     Oracle! Oracle! Oracle Man!"