From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sat May 1 12:22:29 2004 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/IUCS_2.61) with ESMTP id i41HMSIp005182; Sat, 1 May 2004 12:22:28 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/Submit) id i41HMSGT005180; Sat, 1 May 2004 12:22:28 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 1 May 2004 12:22:28 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200405011722.i41HMSGT005180@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1358 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1358 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1358 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 01 May 2004 12:22:17 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1358 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1353 55 votes 3cgf9 36pd8 18gff 5dge7 05khd 1agee 09jm5 29fm7 08ki9 4cnc4 1353 3.4 mean 3.3 3.3 3.6 3.1 3.7 3.5 3.4 3.4 3.5 3.0 --- 1358-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do no animals have wheels? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This harkens back to the days of my internship with the Supreme Diety } (SD for short). We were in the Genetics of Creation wing of SD's } heavenly compound... } } Me: You know, it's going to take man a good millenia or two to come up } the wheel concept on his own -- especially once he's distracted by the } creation of woman. Perhaps we could give him a nudge in the right } direction by equipping some lesser creatures with wheels as a } guideline. } } SD: It would speed the evolutionary track along a bit... what did you } have in mind? } } Me: Well, boss, the rabbit should be fast to escape its predators, } right? So let's take away the hind legs away and replace them with } wheels. } } SD: All right. But if this screws up, it's coming out of your } paycheck. [Creates wheeled rabbit] } } Me: Look at it it go... um... slow down, you dumb bunny!... oooh, } that's gotta hurt. } } SD: I think I'll stick with the original design. } } Me: No, wait! We just need to give it brakes. That will allow it to } stop before... well, the mess speaks for itself. } } SD: I'll humor you. But if this doesn't work, the punishment will have } to be pretty severe. [Creates wheeled rabbit, with brakes] } } Me: And it's off! Ok, this time it made the corner in one piece... so } far so good... now, down the hill... and hitting the brakes... my, but } they're glowing pretty hot... uh... er... I didn't realize fur was so } combustible... } } SD: Done second guessing me? } } Me: Yes, sir. } } SD: Good. As for your punishment... I banish you forthwith to that } place which will eventually be known as Indiana, while you wait for } mankind to evolve to the point where they create the internet. At that } time, you will be put into perpetual bondage answering inane questions } day-in, day-out, every day with no vactions or time off. Your only } solace will be a small cadre of woefully incompetient assistants. } } You owe the Oracle an alternate means of pennance. --- 1358-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do you type with those boxing gloves? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } vcgbf erdw red yhgu bhng aqzws dexsfr l.p; yghu ./,l --- 1358-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Huge and Illustrious Oracle, I bend down and kiss my > own heels in your honour. As a mere supplicant I am > unworthy of even being kicked by you, so I don't risk > kissing your heels. > > What's the best way to San Jose? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } By plane. } } No, that's no good, is it? I can do better than that. Let's see: } } Premise: All roads lead to Rome. } } Therefore: From every place where there is a road, there is a road } leading to Rome. } } Premise: San Jose, Costa Rica has roads. } } Therefore: There is a road leading from San Jose to Rome. } } Premise: There is a road in your immediate vicinity. } } Therefore: There is a road leading to Rome in your immediate vicinity. } } Premise: For every road leading to Rome, that road also leads away } from Rome. } } Therefore: There is a road leading away from Rome to San Jose. } } Therefore: There is a road leading from your vicinity to San Jose, } via Rome. } } Therefore: The best way to San Jose is to follow a road till it leads } to Rome, the follow a road away from Rome to San Jose. } } If that fails, go by plane. } } You owe the Oracle road maps of Rome and San Jose. --- 1358-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most - > > [The ground trembles] > > What just happened? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OG! IF YOU EAT BAKED BEANS ONE MORE TIME, I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU INTO A } FOSSIL! } Sorry about that. } You owe the oracle a muffler. --- 1358-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Magnelephant Oracle, I'm about to try grovelling to you again. > Perhaps you noticed that my last grovel (that was eleventeen > questions ago) was off about five grovonobbies from your > expectorated standard. This time I won't fail. Listen as my > grovelling airscrews screw the air and my bicycle wheels go > FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP because of the playing cards that floop > against the spokes. > > So here is my question. I'm a secret agent with an unfriendly > foreign government. Lately my neighbours have become suspicious. > I'm afraid they'll steal the secret and then I'll just be an > ordinary agent. Maybe if I gave them a fake secret they would > leave me alone. Do you have any fake secrets I can use? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Osteocephalic Sucklipants such as yourself are a royal pain } in the turbine, with your substandard, subliminal, and subatomic } grovonobbies within your grovels. Try riding your elcycib } backward and see if the POOLF sound isn't a more relaxing way } to go - certainly better than airscrewing yourself. Please } continue improving your grovelling technique and I'm sure you'll } eventually get the hang of it; at your current rate of progress, } perhaps around the year the last occupation troops leave Iraq. } } Still, your plight summons a bit of sympathy, so I will address } your concerns. First, I have to ask you why you picked an } unfriendly government. Maybe the pay is good, but is it really } worth it when you consider the workplace stress you must endure? } I suggest Palau, a very friendly place with a charming government. } If you can't handle *that* much friendliness all at once, try } Finland - a bit aloof and businesslike until you get to know } them, but hardly unfriendly. } } You still have your secret, so to some extent you are merely } borrowing trouble. But you are correct to ponder what would } happen should you lose it. A mere "agent" alone is very } volatile, and may combine at random with unpredictable results. } With moderate luck, you become an agent provacateur, and continue } with a career path similar to what you have now. Becoming a } travel agent would be dull, but safe. Being a free agent in } some sports can be lucrative, or can be risky. But getting } mixed up with Agent Orange could leave you with permanent } health problems, no question. } } Associating with Agent Smith could leave you so typecast you } can only get movie roles as elves, while running around with } Agent Cody Banks would get you laughed right out of Hollywood } entirely. I suppose working as Agent J or Agent K wouldn't } be too bad, if you're not very xenophobic. } } With worst luck, you could end up involved with Microsoft Agent, } a prospect too horrible to contemplate. } } If you need some fake secrets to keep your sense of security } intact, I can hardly do better than suggest a Google search } of '"top ten" letterman secrets'. Knock yourself out, Mister } Drake. } } You owe the Oracle the identity of Number One. Sorry, I'm } only Number Two. --- 1358-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Apples, Blackberries... > Will there ever be a computer called the Cherry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } At Oracle Labs(*): } } Today's experiment - Fruit choice and computing ability. } } APPLE: At start of experiment subject outclassed all contenders. Went } through a period of time when subject refused to speak to other } subjects, then turned a shocking shade of pink and embraced other } subjects with open arms. Long-lived. } } CHERRY: Subject was small and dull-coloured at first. After some time } shrank and started producing only low-quality peripheral shoots. } } BANANA: Subject was brightly coloured and ergonomic in design. After } an intervention by the European Union subject straigtened out. Requires } regular upgrades to avoid colour degredation. } } ORANGE: Large and unwieldy. Subject displays an annoying tendancy to } squirt large quantities of data across networks when simple usage is } attempted. Messy. } } BLACKBERRY: Portable, but testing was cut short as sample model broke } during trials. (Zadoc sat on it and still can't remove the stain from } his robes). } } PLUM: Similar to blackberry but with a solid core. Could be hard to } work with and on occasion displayed a disturbing tendancy to leak data. } } PEAR: Useful for parallel computing. Model tested used Big Endian } numerics. } } PRICKLY PEAR: A pear for high security applications. } } GRAPE: Comes in a choice of two colours. Provison for conversion to } WINE if desired. } } (*) No trademarks were harmed in the making of this answer. --- 1358-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello there Mr Oracle, who is the spiffiest of all! I'm trying to set > the record for the most crawlingly subservient grovel ever submitted by > a non-priest, your Hyper-linkedness. I'm following the example of my > one true hero, Zadoc... *moony-eyed sigh* > > So here goes... > > You are the most wonderful and spectacular being in all of the > universes of universes, your Omni-brainedness, had a thousand mouths, a > thousand tongues, a throat of iron and lungs of steel, I could not tell > your glories - for you, oh Megasalacious one are incomparable to any > other! You know all, see all, do all! You have the most exquisite taste > in girlfriends, the greatest good sense of any being in the universe! > Your garden is always neat and tidy, your daffodils a lovely yellow and > your herb garden totally legal! I am not worthy to even inhale a single > molecule of a fifty thousand year old oracular fart, let alone grovel > in your prescence, for you are as far above me as I am above a > televangelist. Praise the Oracle, the most splendid of all, for you, oh > Woodchuck-Zotting one cannot be compared, you know all! > > Er... how was that, your Eternal-Sweetness? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That was just like a hundred lawyers at the bottom of the ocean. --- 1358-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The cake in my pipe is uneven and lumpy. Should I scrape it out or > leave it alone? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You fool. You're supposed to put the pipe in the cake, not the other } way around. If you place it carefully in the middle, the guards won't } notice, so when you send it to cousin Jake, he can take it out, whack a } guard with it, grab the keys and escape. With you handling his defence, } it's no wonder he wound up there in the first place. } } You owe the Oracle a file on rye. --- 1358-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Loud and majestic Oracle, > > Please answer my question, which I only utter in complete despair and > near-hopelessness! I debase myself before your person in a > more-than-humble attempt to persuade your greatness... > > What does the juice ants leave behind them, that makes other ants > follow them, smell like? > > Thanks in advance! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dunno, never thought about it. Let's ask one. Zadoc had } the Universal Translator out just this morning, trying to } make sense for me of George Bush's latest press conference; } I'll just reverse the polarity so I can talk as well as } listen, and of course crank up the IQ dial by a few points } to account for the slightly smarter target this time. } } Say ... there ... my ... good ... fellow. How ... are ... } you ... today? } } "... must forage must forage must forage must forage must } forage must forage must forage must forage must forage ..." } } Yes ... well ... } } (Hm, small talk obviously isn't the way to go with this } little guy.) } } You ... are ... searching ... for ... food? } } "... must forage must forage must forage must forage must } forage yes must forage must forage must forage must forage ..." } } (Was that a yes? I think so.) } } You ... are ... following ... a ... trail? } } "... must forage must forage must forage must forage must } forage yes must forage must forage must forage must forage ..." } } By ... scent? } } "... must forage must forage must forage must forage must } forage well duh Einstein must forage must forage must forage ..." } } (Oooooh, that hurt a little. Dissed by an ant. Guess I } can crank up the IQ meter another couple of notches to } compensate. That, or squash him.) } } Forgive me. But what does it smell like? } } "... must forage must forage must forage must forage must } forage me must forage must forage must forage must forage ..." } } (Oh, he's just coming back to the ant hill, by retracing } his own steps by scent.) } } But when you follow ANOTHER'S trail what does THAT smell like? } } "... must forage must forage must forage must forage must } forage them must forage must forage must forage must forage } must forage and don't shout must forage must forage must forage ..." } } (Oops, sensitive hearing, or I have this thing turned up too } high.) } } Sorry but can you describe the scent? Similar to something } else perhaps? } } "... must forage must forage must forage must forage must } forage mother must forage must forage must forage must forage } must forage good must forage must forage must forage must } forage life itself must forage must forage must forage } must forage sex must forage must forage must forage must } forage drugs must forage must forage must forage must forage } must forage rock'n'roll must forage must forage must forage ..." } } OK, thanks. That's about as close as we're going to be able } to come, I think. } } Well, Supplicant, I'm not sure if that was specific enough } for you - unless you know what different types of music smell } like. Now that he mentions it, I would have said free form } jazz, where you get the general drift but have to improvise } a bit on your route back to the hill. } } Maybe it's best to just tell you "it's formic acid, kind of } sharp smelling and pungent, pretty penetrating," and leave } it at that. } } You owe the Oracle a formicary made of Formica. --- 1358-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O magnificent Oracle with whipped cream and a cherry on top, > > "That's all she wrote." > But what DID she write? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My dear pretty-pleased supplicant. } } She entered the hallway from the back pantry. Nobody seemed to notice } her but me. There were too many people chatting, too many clinks of } ice in the glasses, too many young ladies and gentlemen laughing just a } bit too loud at each others jokes. } } She looked over her shoulder as if to see if anyone was watching. She } didn't seem to notice that I was looking straight at her. That's } actually the story of my life. I always seem to be invisible, } especially to the opposite sex. But I digress. } } She took a pen from the telephone table. I remember that it was one of } those stylish pens that looked like a plume, but was really a modern } ball-point pen with a plume decoration. "What is that piece of kitch } doing in John's house?", I thought to myself. "He's certainly wealthy } enough to afford something classier". } } She wrote something brief on a piece of note paper that took from a } stack by the telephone. Then she folded the paper in half and put it } into the skirt pocket of the business suit she was wearing, and entered } the parlour where the main party was going on. Glancing around the } room, she crossed directly to me without looking at me at all. When } she arrived just in front of me, she glanced briefly to the left and } right and then looked right up into my eyes. I was thoroughly } entranced. Her eyes were large and round and inviting. } } She allowed herself a small smile. "You don't remember me, do you?", } she said softly. } } "No, I'm sorry", I blurted out nervously. "Idiot!", I thought to } myself, "Very smooth! 'No, I'm sorry' - d'oh! Certainly you can come } up with a better line than that". } } "We met in this very room. It was a few years ago. I looked different } then. I've had an epiphany. Newly reincarnated, you might say." } } "I must say that I approve", I flirted, and thought, "Now that's a } little better. I just needed to get warmed up. She caught me off } guard at first. Seems to be what she intended. What next?" } } "You made a pass at me, that night. I was rude. I wanted to } apologize." } } "I, uh, don't know what to say. Apology accepted, I guess. Forget it. } Can I get you a drink?" } } "No, I'm sorry, I have to leave in a few moments.", she answered. I } wiped away a fake tear and sniffled. Then she leaned over close to me } and lifted her lips to my ear. "I saw you watching me when I came in } through the pantry", she whispered, "Read this later when you're } alone". She took the note she had written and put it gently and slowly } into my shirt pocket. Then, allowing her lips to brush ever so slightly } against the edge of my ear, she turned and walked toward the front door } quickly without looking back. } } After watching her go, and recovering my composure, I made my way as } quickly as I could to the washroom, saying a quick "Hi, how are you" to } some acquaintences on the way, being careful not to get involved in } some long-winded conversation. } } I closed and locked the door. I gave myself an encouraging look in the } mirror and took a deep breath and let it out. I closed my eyes and } withdrew the note. I opened my eyes and read the note. } } "ZOT - you're out of your league, baby. And stop posting in HTML by } mistake - Lisa". } } Once again the story of this particular incarnation's life. } } As consolation, you owe the Oracle one hot fudge sundae, with, well, } you know.