From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Apr 8 11:52:46 2004 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/IUCS_2.61) with ESMTP id i38GqjBt029692; Thu, 8 Apr 2004 11:52:45 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/Submit) id i38GqjKw029690; Thu, 8 Apr 2004 11:52:45 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 8 Apr 2004 11:52:45 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200404081652.i38GqjKw029690@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1355 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1355 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1355 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 11:52:33 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1355 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1350 52 votes 5big2 07fjb 2djf3 7fh76 04gbl 6djc2 39n89 89eab 34nf7 47hg8 1350 3.2 mean 3.0 3.7 3.1 2.8 3.9 2.8 3.2 3.1 3.4 3.3 --- 1355-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh glorius Oracle, who's foot odor I am not worthy to quaff, and who's > eyebrows are most supremely shapen, > > I humbly ask, which is the wiser choice - A slow moving relationship > with a new, young, and attractive person or a revival of an old flame > with lots of chemistry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First of all, it's WHOSE foot odor and WHOSE eyebrows. If you're } going to woo anyone at all you'd better get your grammar up to speed. } Nobody likes an unsyntactic Sally. Second, you can't quaff foot } odor, you can only quaff liquids. Haven't you ever (q)uaffed a } potion? Proper diction is important -- it's one of the first things } I look for in a mate. } } Now, as for your question -- you seem to have some punctuation } difficulties. If you want to use a dash, you should represent it } with a double hyphen ("--"; the spaces on either end are optional). } The word that follows it need not be capitalized. I hope I've helped } you come to a wise decision. --- 1355-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who can cure every disease imaginable and unimaginable, > Is the internet a disease? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it's all a matter of perspective really. Exactly how dangerous to } the human nervous and biological system is the internet? Answer these } questions: } 1) Does extended use of the internet cause any abnormal symptoms? (i.e. } blurry or sore eyes, painful joint movements, distressing dietary } requirements such as pizza, buzz cola and nachos, etc.) } 2) Does using the internet leave you feeling like you need a couple } of days rest? Similarly, would you be willing to skip work for } the internet? } 3) Do women secretly adore using the internet, yet stating that they } 'Never once complain as much as you do, God, you're always moaning, } the slightest download and you crawl to your room not to be seen for } hours, I knew I should have listened to my mother!', whereas men just } appreciate the internet when they have it, and do all they can to } reap whatever benefits are available. } 4) Are there internet sites out there that are surely meant for animals, } yet somehow you always end up hearing about human's catching them, } and are always slightly scared about coming across one? } 5) Has using the internet ever ended up with you being held in a } municipal building (hospital, fire station, police station), lying in } a daze, wondering where everything went wrong, and the head of the } department is standing over you telling you to stay away from } children and the elderly? } } Answering 4 or more 'yes's to these questions means that unfortunately, } you have suffered form an internet attack, and should stay away from } computer components for a period of about 3 weeks. From the computer's } perspective however, these problems do not apply. To the computer a far } greater menace is feared. The internet in this case acts as a faith } healer, lending support and comfort in return for its attention and } devotion, much in the style of the TV evangelist. } } You owe the Oracle a syringe full of Windows(TM) antidote. --- 1355-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is a cold, grey and windy afternoon at the Oracular Temple. The } Oracle sits at his throne, cold, aloof and forbidding. Zadoc enters, } crawling on his wretched knees, and deposites the latest bunch of } e-mails at the Oracle's feet, muttering and mumbling supplicative } words.... which are ignored. } } He reads through the e-mails, speaking the answers out loud... "Forty } Two"... "No, use bleach"... "That's not a budgie, it's a parrot"... } before stopping and gazing at the latest one in horror. } } All the other e-mails fall to the floor, as he strides out of the door, } grabbing the Staff of Zot, the Robes of Wisdom, and the Cheeseburger of } Immediate Hunger Satisfaction from their resting places. } } "Zadoc! Get thine backside in here NOW!" } } "Yes, oh he whose every molecule vibrates with knowledge and wisdom?" } } "Stop toadying and warm up the Anti-Woodchuck Shields, immediately!" } } "My Lord! You don't mean..." } } "Yes, Zadoc. Someone has just asked a question based on the } Question-That-Shall-Not-Be-Spoken-Or-Asked-Or-Mentioned-In-Any-Way" } } Zadoc promptly turns white, screams in terror, runs in circles for a } minute, but dutifully turns on the Shields, the defenses, and the } Oracular Intercom. } } "All Priests, All Priests. We have a Level Three Emergency, Code 5, I } repeat, Level three, code 5. Close all entrances, and raise every } anti-woodchuck defense we have!" } } There is a terrible silence, before the shaking begins... words } battering against the shields, shaking dust from the walls, terrible, } terrible words that are only one step away from the Dreaded Question } } "HOW MUCH GROUND WOULD A GROUNDHOG HOG IF A GROUNDHOG COULD HOG } GROUND?" } } The assault ends... and there is another terrible silence. } } The Oracle stands up, shakes the dust from his hair, and returns to his } throne, throwing a curt command out as he leaves } } "Stand down, Zadoc" } } A few minutes later, an e-mail wings its way to the supplicant, } containing every single piece of information about groundhogs hogging } ground, groundhogs in general, in fact so much information that the } supplicant will never need to ask about groundhogs again... A sigh of } relief escapes the Esteemed Lips... and he picks up the next e-mail... } } "How much work could a network work if a network could net work?" } } "Oh no. Not again..." } } You owe the Oracle some Woodchuck Mark XIV shields, some anti } pun-lasers, a joke-proof vest and a nuclear warhead. --- 1355-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ok, where are they? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oooh, I'm glad you phrased it that way. I'd been thinking about it } for a while, and thought you had asked "Where are they now?" I'm } glad you didn't (or at least you should be glad you didn't) because } then the VH1 copyright lawyers would get involved, and you'd have to } appear on an upcoming episode of "I Love The 1870's". } } I have been anticipating your question for quite some time. I knew } this day would come, and I knew it would be soon. Or later. Or } possibly not for a long time, but I did know. That is why I had VH1 } purchased for you, and had them produce that show for you. Of } course, when I told them what to do, they naturally wanted to make it } "more hip" "for the young people" and so they completely re-wrote the } entire series. } } It was originally supposed to be "So, where are they?". It was going } to consist of one episode in which I answered the question for you, } and you were satisfied with my repsonse. VH1 said this would not } work. *Apparently* noone over there has the ability to peer into the } future like I told them too and video tape the question and answer so } I could just tell you "Go turn on the TV right now, on channel 59 on } Cox Cable in central Rhode Island to receive my wisdom." Sheesh, you } humans are so limited... } } Instead, they re-wrote the script, hired a bunch of actors, and made } it about celebrities who have apparently dissappeared from the public } eye. This has nothing at all to do with your question. } } However, I can answer a question only once. I filmed the answer to } it in Dolby Digital Surround in a wide-screen format. I submitted to } them my response. The director cut out all of the useful } information. It won't even make it onto the DVD. } } Sadly, I must inform you that I can not tell you "OK, where are } they?", only "Where are they now?" Copyright issues. } } I'd get in big trouble. } .... } } *cough cough* } (in the underwear drawer behind that ratty pair of socks that's been } in there since '76, but you didn't hear that from me... ;) --- 1355-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, Oracle dude, I just found this picture of you by searching for > "Internet Oracle naked" on the Internet. What were you thinking? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The point of that picture is not for you to figure out what *I* was } thinking, but for you to analyze what it makes *YOU* think of. } } Hopefully, it makes you think, "why the hell did I type _that_ into a } search engine?" } } You owe the Oracle his dignity. --- 1355-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Should I get another cat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Need I remind you what you did with the last one, Professor } Schrodinger? --- 1355-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Almighty Oracle, most PC entity in a MAC-beseiged world, please deem to > answer this humble supplicant's inquiry: > > Are you a Republican or a Democrat? Or an Independent? An innocent > bystander? Or are you simply above our petty political system? > > Hmmm...guess that's four questions...but anyway... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It doesn't much matter, really, inasmuch as our Founding Fathers lacked } the foresight to grant suffrage to electronic abstractions. Which } isn't to say that I've never voted -- back in the day in Chicago, I } used to vote two, three dozen times, just for the sheer pleasure of it } -- but my more recent visits to the polls have gone more like this: } } Official: Name? } } Oracle: The Internet Oracle. } } Official: Let's see ... nothing listed here. That's with an O? } } Oracle: Yes. } } Official: What was the first name again? } } Oracle: The. } } Official: Hmm. Any other names you might be listed under? } } Oracle: Oracle, comma, The Internet? } } Official: Uh ... nope. } } Oracle: The Usenet Oracle? } } Official: No. } } Oracle: Almighty and Omniscient Master of All Knowledge, Great Seer of } the Cosmos? } } Official: Do you have some ID? } } Oracle: Sure, here you go. } } Official: This is a piece of cardboard cut from a cereal box, with the } word "Oracle" and a smiley face drawn in crayon. } } Oracle: Yes. } } Official: Don't suppose you have anything like a driver's license? } } Oracle: Well, I went to the DMV, but they proved to have very } short-sighted views about issuing government documents to officially } fictional beings. } } Official: Next! } } However, dear supplicant, rest assured that if Diebold does ever get } these electronic voting machines put into use in an actual election, I } will be more than making up for lost time. } } 'Course, I do already know what the outcome of November's election will } be, as well as what other events will transpire in the next four years, } in particular in February 2006. } } You owe the Oracle foreign citizenship before the end of 2005. Oh, and } a driver's license. --- 1355-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > hi i'm a chipmonk and i have a problem!!! *sob* all my nuts are gone!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Chip, } } I told you they'd castrate you if you went to that monastery. } } You owe the Oracle a Unix joke. --- 1355-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ok, I'm not going to ask about Lisa, how I can get her into bed or > anything of the like, but I do need to ask her a question. *ahem* > privately! > > Lisa, who is so pretty your eyes shine like jade in the sunlight, > please answer my query: > I know you are taken, but have you any sisters? or cousins? or, perhaps > have you made any demigods? if so, could you tell me about the > available ones, and how to contact them? > > And this is a question for Lisa, so she chooses my tribute. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, people ask me all the time about getting into my bed, so much I'm } considering renting it out -- it's not like I sleep there anymore since } Orrie got the King-sized... um. Well, I suppose my stuffed animals } might take offense. } } I *do* happen to know of a darling goddess who could use a little } attention. She's an exotic beauty, very talented, and loves to dance. } Lately she's been listless and getting into that icky Goth fashion, } wearing skulls and black makeup, but if you could cheer her up and show } her a good time that would be great! } } Actually, I've set Kali up on blind dates before, and I haven't heard } back from any boys about how the date was. Oh well, no news is good } news, and I'm sure you two would get along just ginchy! } } Lots of kisses, } Lisa! --- 1355-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > As usual, I received your answer. > As usual, it was not what I expected. > As usual, it was just what I deserved. > As usual, I have no idea what you were telling me. > As usual, I'm asking you to explain it, something > you never seem to be able to do. > > As usual, I say I'm grovelling, even though something > always seems to get lost in the ranstlation. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have reached the Oracle 2.0. This new, improved, fully automated } system is capable of anwering any question your puny mortal brain can } conceive of. } } Please Hold. } [...] } } We thank you for your patience. } [...] } } All stations are currently being used. Please continue to hold, and a } memory chip will be assigned to you. } [...] } } We appreciate our customers, and do our best to uphold our tradition of } fine service. } [...] } } You have been waiting for..3...hours... A chip will be assigned to you } as they become available. } [...] } } Hello, this is..Bob.. How can I help you? } } I'll have to talk to my manager. Please Hold. } [...] } } Hello, this is..Fred.. How can I help you? } } Service is no longer available for that question. } We thank you for your time and are glad to have been of service. } Please continue to shop at Oracle.