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From: Internet Oracle <oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu>
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1353
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=== 1353 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1353
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 16 Mar 2004 09:48:47 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
    1353
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1348  57 votes 2fog0 27nj6 1eig8 38km4 9dfh3 23hs7 29jj8 47lg9 39do8 1elc9
1348  3.3 mean  2.9   3.4   3.3   3.3   2.9   3.6   3.4   3.3   3.4   3.2

--- 1353-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> oh great oracle, i'm just a pet in your presence. can you give me a
> meaningful self-referential story? and don't copy it from some one
> else!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A self-referential story walks into a bar, and the bartender asks,
} "Hey, aren't you a self-referential story?"
}
} The self-referential story replies, "Why, yes.  As a matter of fact, I
} am."
}
} Looking over a small black and red notebook, the bartender informs the
} self-referential story that it has a very large and past due tab, and
} demands that it pay up immediately.
}
} Outraged, the self-referential story demands proof, saying, "How do you
} know it wasn't some other self-referential story?"
}
} The bartender replies with a smug look on his face, "Yeah, you know
} I've heard this story before."
}
} You owe the Oracle a self-reference (of yourself this time).

--- 1353-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, even the expletives you shout when you stub your toe
> contain more wisdom than the combined writings of all the world's major
> religions!
>
> What kind of market is there for used human body parts? I just read
> where some people at a university which shall remain nameless (but
> whose initials are UCLA) are being investigated for selling parts taken
> from donated cadavers.
>
> I can see a demand for fresh organs for transplants, but will people
> actually pay money for cadaver parts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} People do.  The real question is, who?
}
} FALSE ANSWER:
} Mad scientists.
}
} BAD ANSWER:
} Death, incarnate.
}
} OUT-AND-OUT LYING ANSWER:
} Zadoc.
}
} LUDICROUS ANSWER:
} 6-foot-tall, mutated prarie dogs.
}
} HAIKU ANSWER:
} I once saw a clown
} Naked and covered in blood
} Wielding a chainsaw.
}
} CONSPIRACY THEORIST ANSWER:
} The government.
}
} X-FILES ANSWER:
} Beings from the planet Venus.
}
} ZEN ANSWER:
} There are dead body parts.  There are live people.  Sooner or later,
} something was bound to happen.
}
} TRUE ANSWER:
} Researchers, mostly.
}
} You owe the Oracle a picture of the clown.

--- 1353-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and spiffy, kindly answer a most puzzling question.
>
> Which is correct:
>
> "Feed a Fever, Starve a Cold"
> or
> "Feed a Cold, Starve a Fever" ?
>
> Thank you,
> Your most humble supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To feed, or not to feed, that is the question:
} Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
} The pangs and grumbles of an empty stomach;
} Or to take spoons against a sea of germs,
} And by digesting, end them: to eat, to sleep
} No more; and by a sleep, to say we end
} The stomach-ache, and the thousand natural shocks
} That nausea is heir to; 'Tis a consumption
} Devoutly to be wish'd. To eat to sleep,
} To sleep, perchance to dream; Aye, there's the rub.
} For in that sleep of food, what dreams may come,
} When we have shoveled off this mortal plate
} Must give us pause. There's the respect
} That makes healthy of so long life:
} For who would bear the burps and screamns of gas,
} The oppressor's fruitcake, the proud man's indigestion,
} The pangs of Aunt Edna's meatloaf, the sauce parfait,
} The insolence of coffee, and the worms
} That children in the mud pie bake,
} When he himself might his Pepto take
} With a bare teaspoon? Who would fartles bear
} To grunt and sweat under a queasy life --
} But that the dread of something after bread,
} The undiscovered country, from whose bourn
} The Country Crock, puzzles the will,
} And makes us rather bear those ills we have,
} Than fly to others that we know not of.
} Thus conscience does make germwads of us all,
} And thus the native hue of restitution
} Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of toast,
} And bathroom trips of great pitch and movement,
} With this regard their currents turn awry,
} And lose the name of action.
}
} I say feed 'em both.  In moderation, of course.

--- 1353-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What was that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.
}
} Then the 't' got replaced with a 'w'.
}
} It's a common children's game, replace one letter at a
} time until you have a whole new word with none of the
} original letters.
}
} that
} What
} whEt
} wheN
} wRen
}
} You owe the Oracle a bird.

--- 1353-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Possessing great scholarly learning, the Oracle is great. He would
> never fall for the "Hey, your shoes are untied" prank. He is just
> too darn smart for that,
>
> Are there any limitations or exclusions to the Accidental Answer
> coverage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, yes, the Oracle's insurance policy. Here's part of the policy: it
} tells you what's covered and what isn't.
}
} ORACULAR ANSWER INSURANCE POLICY
} --------------------------------
} The Oracular Answer Insurance Policy protects the supplicant against
} certain types of inadequate answers.
}
} Terms and Conditions
} --------------------
} The supplicant will not be covered in any event under these conditions;
}
} * The question, or a substantially similar one, has been submitted by
}   the supplicant on at least three (3) previous occasions.
}
} * The question, or a substantially similar one, has been answered by
}   the incarnation on at least two (2) previous occasions, regardless
}   of whether the supplicant has asked this question before.
}
} * The question is a blank question, i.e.
}   >
}
} * The question refers to woodchucks, or the Woodchuck Question (TM).
}
} * The question is of a hackneyed style, including but not limited to
}   ripped-off Steve Wright jokes and "the Oracle has no questions to
}   ask".
}
} * The oracularity is placed in the Oracularity Digests, and the
}   oracularity scores 3.2 or higher (rounded to the first decimal
}   place). In this event, the supplicant will be deemed to have
}   received a good answer, whether or not they liked it.
}
} Subject to the above conditions, the supplicant is protected from the
} following types of answers:
}
} Blank Answers
} -------------
} The supplicant will be covered if the Oracle replies with a blank
} answer, i.e.
} }
} or similar, except in the event that the question is about silence, or
} similar topic.
}
} Formatting
} ----------
} 1. The supplicant will be covered if the reply quotes the question in
}    full, unless referring to each point in turn.
}
} 2. The supplicant will be covered if the reply is encoded in MIME or
}    HTML.
}
} 3. The supplicant will not be covered if the reply contains a signature
}    added by a free mail service.
}
} 4. The supplicant will be covered if the reply contains a personal
}    signature that is irrelevant to the answer.
}
} 5. The supplicant will be covered if the reply is in l33tsp33k or
}    similar style.
}
} Zot! and Assorted Flames
} ------------------------
} 1. The supplicant will be covered if the reply consists solely of a
}    flame regarding the supplicants failure to grovel. Such flame may or
}    may not include a ZOT! (TM).
}
} 2. The supplicant will not be covered for flames regarding MIME or HTML
}    encoding. The Oracle is a text-based service, and unnecessary
}    encoding is inconsiderate.
}
} 3. The supplicant will be covered for flames about the quality of the
}    question (subject to the above conditions).
}
} 4. The supplicant will be covered for spelling or grammar flames only
}    if the reply also contains spelling or grammatical errors.
}
} 5. The supplicant will not be covered for a ZOT! (TM) if it occurs as
}    part of a joke.
}
} Non-sequitur
} ------------
} 1. The supplicant will be covered if the answer is completely
}    irrelevant to the question. However, the supplicant will not be
}    covered if the question makes a reference to non-sequitur, irrelevant
}    answers, or misdirected answers.
}
} 2. The supplicant is not covered for answers consistent with the
}    information given in the question. The Oracle may choose to provide
}    completely unexpected answers for humorous purposes.
}
} 3. The supplicant will be covered for nonsensical answers.
}
} Serious answers
} ---------------
} The supplicant must be prepared to accept serious answers, as displays
} of the Oracle's omniscience. However, they will be covered if the
} Oracle makes no attempt to entertain the supplicant in the process.
}
} Insurance Payout
} ----------------
} If insurance is to be paid out for an inadequate answer, the supplicant
} is exempt from paying any tribute for the offending answer.
}
} Silver Policy holders are also entitled to payment for any medical
} expenses resulting from ZOT!s (TM) or other retribution from the Oracle
} in the answer.
}
} Golden Policy holders are entitled to a compensatory payout for the
} answer.
}
} All policy holders are entitled to resubmit the question, but the
} question may not be covered by insurance (see Terms and Conditions
} above).
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} A fairly good policy, I think you'll agree. The premiums are pretty
} damn high, though; with all the lusers that get into the queue there's
} a lot of stuff to pay out on. Nobody's taken up the Golden Policy yet,
} as they seem rather keen to keep their immortal souls for some reason.
} Oh well, it's their loss.

--- 1353-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Oracle who knows all the numbers,
>
> Exactly how many carrots must one eat per day to turn one's skin
> orange?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Research Journal: Carrot Experiment 33.
}
} Day One: Subject "Zadoc" ate his first meal of carrot soup, with a
} carrot salad and carrot cake without complaining. Skin remains at its
} standard pale colour. Subject was on knees for approximately two hours
} grovelling and thanking the Oracle for this honour. Experimenter
} threatened subject with a severe zotting.
}
} Day Four: Subject appears to be getting heartily sick of carrots, but
} knows better than to complain. Skin remains the same colour, despite a
} four day diet of nothing but carrots. Grovelling lasted three hours.
}
} Day Seven: Subject's visual acuity has increased to the point where he
} can see in pitch black. This has enabled money to be saved on
} electricity in all rooms that the Oracle is not present, since the
} Oracle's Light of Knowledge illuminates a room anyway. Subject dared to
} roll his eyes when his carrot souffle was served to him. Subject was
} then dangled out of the window by his nosehairs as a reminder.
}
} Day Ten: Subject exhibits disturbing rabbit-like tendencies, including
} nose twitches, elongated teeth and nibbling at his carrots. He also
} remains in curled up positions, moving by hops from place to place.
} Skin is unchanged from day one. Today's grovel was interrupted by
} random outbursts of "What's up Doc?" and "Of course you realise this
} means war!".
}
} Day Fifteen: Skin has changed, in that subject has grown fur, and
} floppy ears. Teeth are extended and sharp, and subject happily eats all
} carrots placed before him. Grovels are now mostly unintelligible.
}
} Day Twenty: No distinguishable human features remain, subject acts
} completely like a rabbit, as well as looking like one. Experiment
} deemed to be a failure.
}
} Day Twenty One: Experiment abandoned. For lunch, the Oracle had a light
} carrot soup, followed by roast rabbit, with left over carrot-cake for
} dessert.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Vitamin A

--- 1353-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> What kind of pets will be most popular after WWIII?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Farmers, tractor mechanics, and video game programmers.  Our future
} Bovine masters like to eat, and they love a good fragfest.
}
} You owe the Oracle the source code to Duke Milk'em.

--- 1353-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Zadoc.
>
> How can you stand working for that idiot?  I know you're the real
> brains in the organization.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You MORON! You stupid, blundering fool! You have no idea what you've
} just done! I've been working undercover here for nine years, feigning
} stupidity, crawling at his feet, taking the brunt of his wrath, all the
} while collecting evidence that would blow his entire corrupt scheme out
} of the water. And I was so close! Within days I would have got the
} final pieces I needed to complete my mission and expose the Oracle for
} the crook and the fraud that he is. And you just went and blew my
} cover! You absolute, complete, utter cretin! Now he'll find out, and I
} won't stand a chance! Oh no! I hear him! He's coming for me now! This
} is all your fault, you imbecile! When I get my hands on you you're
} going to be sorrier than you can ever-
}
}                  ZZZZZZZZ       OOOO       TTTTTTTT     !!
}                  ZZZZZZZZ      OOOOOO      TTTTTTTT     !!
}                        ZZ     OOO  OOO        TT        !!
}                       ZZ      OO    OO        TT        !!
}                      ZZ       OO    OO        TT        !!
}                     ZZ        OO    OO        TT        !!
}                    ZZ         OO    OO        TT        !!
}                   ZZ          OO    OO        TT        !!
}                  ZZ           OOO  OOO        TT
}                  ZZZZZZZZ      OOOOOO         TT        !!
}                  ZZZZZZZZ       OOOO          TT        !!
}
} NO CARRIER

--- 1353-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> oh great oracle,
>
> what's the diffrence between a gatling gun and a machine gun?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, being the Oracle, I just happen to have several of both, which
} I've gained in tribute.
}
} Let's see... we'll start with the gatling gun
}
} *BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG*
}
} Now, what did you think of that?
} ...
}
} Well?
} ...
}
} Supplicant? Er... supplicant?
}
} *prod*
}
} Oh dear.
}
} I guess the difference between them doesn't matter.
}
} You owe the Oracle... well... not much really.

--- 1353-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Unconvertable, stable and fully-qualified Oracle, you
> continue as you have always been throughout eternity.
> Even the most absolute supplicant (which I certainly
> am not) can feel envy at your perspagacity in having
> already learned everything before anyone knew about it.
>
> I have sinned greatly, and seek absolution.  I tried
> going to Confession at the Catholic church down the
> street and it didn't work.  Father O'Malley told me
> to do 31 Hail Marys and 17 Our Fathers.  Nothing
> happened.  Should I maybe drink more Absolut?  Will
> I become more absolute?  And what about Cardinal Sin?
> And Manila?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you've strayed, praying isn't going to make things any better. This
} is going to take a few sacrifices.
}
} Please note that, whatever may have happened in the past, the church
} now frowns upon human sacrifices. I mean, actual human sacrifices, with
} the blood, and the screaming, and the bursts of fire. The church isn't
} considered chaotic these days; it's lawful, or, in a secular state,
} neutral. Sacrificing a human on the altar *would* be a cardinal sin.
} Naturally, being a follower of a lawful or neutral god, you wouldn't be
} able to get humans to sacrifice without becoming a murderer anyway.
} Losing telepathy sucks.
}
} No, what you need is to sacrifice a few animals. Big ones, preferably.
} A few unicorns would do the trick, but sadly they seem to be genocided,
} or at least extinct. You'll have to make do with ordinary animals. The
} problem is, most are neutrally aligned, so if you're neutral as well,
} which is quite likely, just killing animals isn't going to improve
} things with your god. You'll have to drag them onto the altar and offer
} them up. Unfortunately, there aren't too many big animals to be found
} nearby, so you'll have to go out hunting.
}
} The corpses - the ones worth sacrificing - are damn heavy, so by the
} time you get them to the altar they may have gone off. Gods like their
} meat fresh, so this won't do any good. The best solution would be to
} get an icebox and dump the corpses in there, then haul the box to the
} altar. Then you can sacrifice away!
}
} Once you're in your god's good books again, you can get some great
} stuff. You'll be able to make holy water, you can get magic books, you
} can even get some neat weaponry. A nice sharp blade will make your day
} much easier. The vorpal blade goes snicker-snack, and whoops! there
} goes someone's head! Isn't this fun?
}
} Now, you should be careful when you're drinking. Those potions of booze
} will probably make you confused, and you wouldn't want to accidentally
} cut your priest's head off, would you? That would undo all your good
} work. The gods don't have anything on my ZOT power, but the lightning
} bolts they throw can still pack a punch. If you have the right scrolls,
} you'll be able to protect your armor from the ravages of rust and acid.
} You won't need to bother doing that with your new sword - that special
} coating on the steel is a miracle.
}
} A nice big donation to the priest for a healthy dose of protection, and
} you're on your way. You'll have your hands on the Amulet in no time!
}
} You owe the Oracle a four-leaf clover. You should have seen plenty of
} them by now.