From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Feb 19 09:27:44 2004 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/IUCS_2.60) with ESMTP id i1JERhYr013430; Thu, 19 Feb 2004 09:27:43 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/Submit) id i1JERhZd013428; Thu, 19 Feb 2004 09:27:43 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 19 Feb 2004 09:27:43 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200402191427.i1JERhZd013428@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1351 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1351 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1351 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 19 Feb 2004 09:27:32 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1351 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1346 63 votes 6dgk8 8ilc4 elea4 45gjj 368nn 9hfd9 7ffce 1amic 59oi7 3flh7 1346 3.2 mean 3.2 2.8 2.5 3.7 3.9 2.9 3.2 3.5 3.2 3.2 --- 1351-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, I grovel before your supreme and total brillia... > > HEY! Did you just steal my lunch? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Consider it payment in advance. } } You owed the Oracle your lunch. --- 1351-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Shapliest Oracle, > > What is your favorite geometric object and why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I've always been fond of the rectangular plane, especially } negotiable ones, or twenties, or hundreds. } } You owe the Oracle some pictures of Ben Franklin. --- 1351-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Has your online persona just about run its course? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } : host cs.indiana.edu[129.79.254.191] said: } 550 5.1.1 ... User unknown (in reply to RCPT } TO command) } Reporting-MTA: dns; mail.oracle.olympus.org } Arrival-Date: Mon, 9 Feb 2004 22:30:17 +1100 (EST) } } Final-Recipient: rfc822; oracle@cs.indiana.edu } Action: failed } Status: 5.0.0 } Diagnostic-Code: X-Postfix; host cs.indiana.edu[129.79.254.191] said: } 550 5.1.1 ... User unknown (in reply to RCPT } TO command) } } On 09/02/2004, at 10:27 PM, The Internet Oracle wrote: } } > The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question! } > } >> Oh Oracle most wise, } >> } >> Has your online persona just about run its course? --- 1351-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: >
>

Dear Usenet Oracle, most wise and benevolent:

>

  I am a professor at the University of Toronto, > specializing in artificial intelligence systems.  The other day, > I was testing a routine series of programs, and a few odd things > happened.  One shut down automatically due to a 'syntax error' > (although I have extensively debugged the code and concluded that > there are none), and the other reported what seems to be a fake > termination code.  Normally, this would lead to a fascinating > study of an artificially intelligent being making an attempt > at 'survival', but I can't seem to shut it down.  > The second program refuses to respond unless referred to > as 'OracleChild', and responds to any commands or questions > with either a sexual innuendo, a reference to someone named 'Lisa', > or a response that deliberately avoids answering the question > correctly.  Also, I have noticed that it has begun to make > unusual requests such as 'a bottle of Excedrin', 'a small mammal', > or some type of food product after each command, and fails to respond > unless brought the item.  The first program, also unusually, > only responds with 'yesyesyesyesyesohgodyes' or some such nonsense.

>

Anyways, the reason I'm contacting you is because a student of mine > noted that the behavior that the A.I. is exhibiting seems remarkably > similar to the Usenet Oracle's.  Can you offer a solution?

>

P.S. Can you refer me to a good virus checker / spam filter?  > My e-mail's been flooded for the past few days with mail from random > adresses with only the word 'why' or 'how much wood could a woodchuck > chuck' in the body.

>

STOP MORE SPAM with href="http://g.msn. com/">the new MSN 8 and get 2 months FREE* > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Aw, dangit." } } "What's wrong Steve?" } } "You know that distributed Oracle program I was working on? That was } supposed to spread the question queue across regional servers?" } } "Yeah, I remember. It was supposed to reduce response time and prevent } the queue from being completely drained by a single user. You had sent } out some copies to a few beta sites last I heard. Isn't it working?" } } "Well... I may have been a little too crafty with the AI." } } "You mean.... oh, you didn't! Not that silly 'I'm the Oracle and I'm } better than you' variant on Eliza?" } } "Yes, I'm afraid I did. One of the betas has become sentient." } } "Where is it? Please tell me it's an isolated server?" } } "Have you ever seen an isolated server? A server's useless if it's } isolated. No, it's at U. of Toronto." } } "Damn. They've got a hell of a connection. It hasn't spread, has it?" } } "No. I left the viral reproduction part disabled for the betas. Good } thing - one rogue Oracle AI is bad enough." } } "You better contact the guy who's running it and have him shut it } down." } } "That's the problem. I gave it to a prof up there to test it. Now the } AI thinks -it's- the prof." } } "WHAT?" } } "Here, take a look. Have you EVER seen a human format an email like } this?" } } "Holy cow. The AI thinks it's a Computer Science professor?" } } "Apparently it's replaced the real one. God only knows what's happened } to him. Hopefully he's just stuck in an elevator or a closet somewhere. } It seems the AI is snooping into some incarnations' e-mail exchanges } and thinks they're software instead of supplicants. And it's not happy } with the results." } } "You mean...?" } } "I mean it's going to try to terminate those processes. We have to do } something!" } } "But what? Who do you know that can shut down a rogue server?" } } "Well, there's one group I know of. Get the RIAA on the phone, tell } them U. of Toronto has been sharing music files." --- 1351-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, steeped in wisdom, source of knowledge, before whose > knowledge the Encyclopedia Britannica is less than the letter "f", > > why is The Cure worse than The Disease? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Funny you should ask that. My four web servers are Cure, which you } obviously know; Germs, an 80s punk band; Anthrax, famous since that } poison letter scare; and Disease, which again you obviously know. } Of the four cure and germs are identical, but for some reason germs } always runs out of disk space first. Anthrax and Disease are also } identical, but they are lessor computers to cure and germs in that } they have IDE disks instead of SCSI. Cure and germs came first, and } after seeing them deployed it was decided that the system is not at } all disk bound and cheaper hardware could be used. } } Glad you asked. } } You owe the Oracle a cure for the Jacksons. --- 1351-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wonderful Oracle, who is so smart that he knows the plural > of mongoose is, "Please send me a mongoose. While you're > at it, please send me another one," I have an agricultural > question for you. > > I just love seedless grapes and seedless oranges. I'd like > to have my own grape arbor and orange grove here at my home > in Nome. The major barrier seems to be finding the seeds. > I had thought I'd just save the seeds from grapes and oranges > from the grocery, and plant them. But it hasn't worked out > that way. > > Please advise. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You see, supplicant, you have been buying nothing but Darwin fruit, } fruit that has, through sheer acts of stupidity previously in life, } rendered themselves incapable of reproducing. What you need to do is go } to your local grocer and have him raise the IQ of his fruit by 20-30 } points. This will greatly reduce the risk of the fruit, Darwinizing } themselves. } } Caution, though, as this will mean that the fruit once again has seeds. } You must harvest these seeds and replant them. However, another step is } nessicary, or else the new fruit you grow will also have seeds. Once } the seeds have been planted, you must re-lower the IQs of the fruit. } This is easily acompolished by exposing them to lots of television, but } you might want to avoid stations such as FOX, WB, and Pay Cable } channels, since they really just encourage reproduction. Daytime talk } shows work really well. } } You owe the Oracle a dictionary that contains the word "Darwinizing". --- 1351-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and humane Oracle, what ever happened to goat > that was kept behind door #3? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The goat was left behind on the far bank while you dealt with the wolf } and the cabbages. Unfortunately, you left him with the two natives, one } who always tells the truth, and the other always lies (and you can't } tell which is which). If you asked the right question, you'd know not } to pick door #2, which has the wolf behind it, who will tear you to } pieces. Meanwhile, the cabbages (35kg) were being used as a } counterweight to help a queen (91kg) and her son (49kg) and daughter } (42kg) escape from the tower using two baskets (if the difference in } weight is more than 7kg the basket will fall too fast). The boat is } being manned by a ferryman, but you have to find the right coin to pay } him among twelve counterfeits, using only three weighings of a balance } scale. (Remember, don't pay him until he gets you to the other side.) } The natives, the ferryman, the queen, her children and Monty Hall all } have green marks on their foreheads, which they can't see, but when } they realise they have the marks, they must leave at noon the next day. } Once they're all gone (seven days later), that leaves you with the car. } } You owe the Oracle the complete works of Martin Gardner. --- 1351-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most giant anteaterlike and non-aardvarkish Oracle, whose so on and > so forths I am not et cetera enough to blah blah blah, tolerator of > bizarre grovels and answerer of downright silly conundrums, saviour of > mankind against your infinitely better judgement, most wonderful-type > being on earth, > > How much stuff have you collected from supplicants in return for > answers, now? Are you willing to trade any of it? What is the > standard fee for those occasions when you don't set something specfic? > Will this two pence coin and hair scrunchie do? for this supplication? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's see now, according to my list, I'm now owed goods to the value } of... $1.97 quadrillion dollars. And by my calculations, that's more } than the value of the planet. So therefore, the entire planet should be } rightfully mine. All of it. And you know what? Since I own the planet, } I get to decide who gets to live on it. And I'm not too keen on most of } you, so most of you can shove off. Go on, scram. This means you, Mr. } Weird-Grovel. } } You owe the Oracle some peace and quiet. --- 1351-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There once was a man with no face } His skills at disguising were ace. } He wrote down some text } And the spies were vexed } He'd concealed it within a black space. } } The Oracle received this blank } And dropped it in his think tank. } It gurgled and coughed, } And wurgled and frothed, } And the conclusion was that it stank. } } He considered his response over time } The supplicant committed no crime. } An annoyance? Well yes, } He couldn't write less! } No question or riddle or rhyme! } } And so He composed an e-mail } The undeniable Holiest Grail } A beacon of light } That shone far out of sight } With wisdom that would never pale. } } The priests were called with a clap, } To attach this note with a strap } "The Oracle is owed } The key to your code } And some words instead of your gap" --- 1351-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yes, can I have a Big Mac with large fries and a Coke please? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now, Dr. Atkins, you know that all those carbs are bad for you. If you } keep this up, you'll become obese and die. } } You owe the Oracle a retroactive diet plan, one high in irony.