From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Feb 5 16:41:01 2004 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/IUCS_2.60) with ESMTP id i15Lf163008437; Thu, 5 Feb 2004 16:41:01 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/Submit) id i15Lf1tG008433; Thu, 5 Feb 2004 16:41:01 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 5 Feb 2004 16:41:01 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200402052141.i15Lf1tG008433@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1350 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1350 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1350 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 05 Feb 2004 16:40:49 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1350 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1345 70 votes 46opb 5boic hmj57 6hzb1 87hrb 6bklc 26vn8 d9kj9 7kkj4 4ankd 1345 3.1 mean 3.5 3.3 2.5 2.8 3.4 3.3 3.4 3.0 2.9 3.4 --- 1350-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Glorious and Infenestrable Oracle, no one understands you, > especially not your supplicants, and particularly not yours > truly. Yea, I barely know enough to avoid asking you about > marmots. > > It's now January, and time for me to ask you again about the > Chicago Cubs and their possibilities for the coming year's > baseball season. As you know, this blighted team has not won > a World Series in about 90 years. Will this be The Year? > Will they get to play against the nearly equally blighted > Boston Red Sox? Huh? Huh????? My toes are tingling with > anxiety. > > I patiently await your answer. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A baseball question? The Cubs? You're asking me a baseball... ? } } Oho, I see it now, you're testing me! This is really a Super Bowl sort } of footballesque question, with some kind of HIDDEN MAPPING between the } baseball teams and the, the football teams, like it's actually about } the Panthers and the Patriots! So, OK, all righty then, I'll tell you } about your precious football, and... } } Wait, wait ONE MINUTE. Patriots. Hold the phone. What you're really } asking, what you're REALLY asking is far, far deeper... it's about the } United STATES and its war in Iraq! You're asking me if the "Patriots" } are going to "win" this one for the "Gipper" in this time of, of... of } the "Panthers"! Well, I hate to break it to you, but the war is } already... } } Ah, hang on, ah, you would have THOUGHT of that already, so it just } can't be THAT obvious... this REALLY is about the dead bodies in those } oil fields... or the Sixth Canticle Conspiracy... neurological circuits } and the non-passage of quantum time... the Spear of Destiny... } } OK. Wait. Scrying pool. } } *Click* } } "And I've got such a long way to go } To make it to the border of Mexico } So I'll --" } } YOUR CALL IS VERY IMPORTANT TO US. PLEASE HOLD ON. } } "-- told to hang } I was nowhere in sight when the churchbells --" } } *Click* } } Ahem. Cubs. Cubs all the way. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Cosmic Trigger and a baseball autographed } by Jim Riggleman. And a new scrying pool. --- 1350-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is a multi-part message in MIME format. > > ------_=_NextPart_001_01C3E1F3.1B732A11 > Content-Type: text/plain > > Why is Jeremy so smart? > > ------_=_NextPart_001_01C3E1F3.1B732A11 > Content-Type: text/html > > > Tellme > >

Why is Jeremy so smart?

> ------_=_NextPart_001_01C3E1F3.1B732A11-- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why Jeremy Is So Smart } ---------------------- } } A Five Paragraph Essay } } by T. I. Oracle } } Jeremy is smart. In this essay I will prove it. I will do so by } listing convincing reasons. Well, actually, first I will explain that } I will attempt to do so. Then I will list three reasons why I believe } Jeremy is so smart: his choice of computer programs, his politeness, } and his style. You will see that I am right when I start my next } paragraph. } } Jeremy is smart because Jeremy uses a text-only mail client. Jeremy's } messages from his text-only mail client, much like my topic sentence at } the beginning of this essay, are simple and to the point and do not } need to be "marked up". And there is another reason. } } Jeremy is smart also because Jeremy knows how to grovel. Once I got a } 100-word letter from Jeremy in which the first 87 words were a long, } elaborate grovel which made me feel kind of funny and swimmy inside, so } when he got to his question (it started with "How much wood...") I } didn't even ZOT him. And there is another reason. } } Jeremy is smart also because when Jeremy does "mark up" what he writes } (like when he writes a Web page about me), Jeremy uses monospace fonts, } which allow people to read his ASCII art of Britney Spears and his } chess games without difficulty. That was the last reason, so now you } are almost fully convinced -- almost. } } All in all, Jeremy is one smart cookie. He floats my boat, he curls my } toenails, and he is in every way a model supplicant. I treat other } supplicants who don't adhere to his rigorous example rather harshly. I } don't answer their ques... uh... } } ZOT! } } (You owe the Oracle a sestina.) --- 1350-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, my mother, not unlike your mother, suffered a stroke, unlike > your mother. I'm flying out to visit her in a couple of hours. Tell > me, O great one, is flying safe today? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle sends its sympathies, noting only that the Oracle is its own } mother, daughter, uncle, cousin, bazootie (which, given the number of } illnesses that an entire family can have, not to mention the number of } commas in this sentence, hurts). } } Flying is always safer than driving, taking the train, or being shot } out of a cannon, if you believe the statistics. These days, though, it } depends on your country of destination, city of destination, country of } nationality, financial condition, skin color, quantity and location of } facial hair, gender, headgear, bagginess of bodywear, revealingness of } bodywear, footgear, ease of removal of footgear, passport photo } quality, passport paper wear level, breath odor or lack of same, facial } expression, chest-waist-hip measurements, willingness to indulge in } "With a soundtrack by ANTHRAX, I bet that film was a BOMB!" jokes in } the check-in line, phase of the moon, wind currents, jet stream, } presence of ground-to-air missile bearers at destination airport, and } financial condition of airline. } } You owe the Oracle an airsick bag imprinted with "My mother had a } stroke on the other side of the country and all I got was this stupid } barf bag!". --- 1350-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh vast Oracle, who picks stocks with alacrity: > > When in the world will the SEC finally start going after The SCO Group > for their pump-n-dump scheme? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Soon; perhaps as soon as next week. The Internet Oracle has already } invested in SCO and the SEC will also realize what a bargain their } stock is and invest heavily. Jump in quickly before the SEC } investment drives up the price! At 15.71, it is quite a deal. I } haven't made this much money since I shorted Cisco. Watch it soar } here: http://finance.yahoo.com/q?s=SCOX&d=v2 } } You owe the Internet Oracle an autographed picture of Darl McBride. } You owe SCO $699 times 5 for all your Linux installations (don't } forget that firewall in the closet). --- 1350-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh greatest of Oracles, that which maketh my shiny new toaster look > dull by comparison... > > What is that fluff that persistantly gathers in the bottom corner of > my wardrobe? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Moths that died laughing. --- 1350-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Just how slow is a slow loris? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I've forwarded your question to the Slow Loris of Indiana. } Please wait for the answer. --- 1350-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most of the time the "Dilbert" comic strip contains cosmic truths. > The usual high-tech company bears uncanny resemblance to Dilbert's > place of employment, and pointy-haired bosses abound everywhere, even > at low-tech and no-tech companies. > > Ocasionally, though, the strip's own hair is rather pointy, and the > topic, if there is one, is pointless. Today's strip is one of those. > > Clearly, you have advance knowledge of every Dilbert strip that Scott > Adams will produce. Can't you somehow guide him to rewrite the yucky > ones before he sends them out? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: ...so in short I advise you to not to fund both of the } projects as only one of them will produce the cure for } cancer. The other will unleash on the world a loathsome } scourge so vile, so persistent that life as we know it } will become so onerous that... } } Zadoc: Master! Wise one! Stop! Stop answering that question! } Look at this one here! } } Oracle: Heavens! I had no idea that someone needed me to } personally ensure their mirth over each and every } single panel of a syndicated comic strip! Clear out } the queue Zadoc. Call the heads of the G7 and tell } them I can't speak to them tomorrow! Put all my } incoming messages on hold. I must devote my full } attention to this at once! --- 1350-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and wily Oracle, who could role-play two Vulcans at the same > time while keeping them distinguishable, who knows the ins and outs of > every GM's game world as though they were those of his own lover, I > sacrifice one of every size of die to you as I beg you to answer this > question: > > I have a character who has taken on a life of his own and is complex > and deep enough to impress people, but was cast out of the MUSH that > was his original home due to fear that his tale would not just be taken > as an exception and a miracle by the masses, but would instead inspire > them to try to break every rule regardless of any lack of inspiration > or skill. For years I have sought a new home for him, even as I suffer > for his sake under the hands of those who would demand conformity from > me and care little for our tale while he continues to miss his > birthplace. My resentment of those who reject us and my fear and anger > have been building, while the hope my character thrives on has > dwindled. > > Now, at last, I think I may have found a GM who understands and who I > seem to be on the same wavelength with, and he's willing to run a game > in the Star Trek universe, where both my character and his necessary > context could easily fit and his story would be welcome -- and my > character seems interested as well. Early negotiations are going > outstandingly well, yet not so utterly perfectly as to arouse > suspicion. > > Is it as simple as this, oh Oracle? Is the long night over? Is it > safe to fight off my demons and let my hopes soar? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Longest attribution of virtue to a tribble that I've ever seen. --- 1350-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most resilient and adamant, > > When will a real rain come and wipe the filth off the street? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry, Hercules, but you're going to have to do this one yourself. You } may think that it's the obvious solution, but a rain storm that can } clean the streets of New York City is just not going to happen. If you } don't plan on waiting for the icecaps to melt, I'd suggest that you } bite the bullet and grab your shovel. } } You owe the Oracle another visit to King Eurysteus. That's what you } get for trying to get help on your labors. --- 1350-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Cleaving to optimism against the disturbing tide of feeble- > mindedness around me, I lunge out and petition the learned > Oracle to help with a fragment of erudition, > > Did the Yeti leave any heirs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Yeti is like Santa Claus, immortal and indestructable. } } But sadly, - impotent. } } So in an effort to offer the Yeti experience in many locations of } the world for generations yet to come, the Yeti had himself cloned. } } But sadly, - the technology is in its infancy. } } The result was defective Yeti, including one living as the rather } famous American comedian Robin Williams. } } The only humane thing to do was to remove the defective Yeti from } both the gene pool and existence. The original Yeti gathered as } many of the cloned Yeti in one room as possible. } } But sadly, - not for a family reunion. } } He had them euthanised en masse, chopped into little pieces and } flushed them in small batches, down his Yeti commode. } } In short: Yes, many heirs. But they clogged up his drain } horribly. } } You owe the Oracle a drain snake and 14 gallons of Liquid Plumber.