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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1345
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=== 1345 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1345
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 07 Dec 2003 17:56:22 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
    1345
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1340  56 votes 27hjb 8ji83 7jm71 4hlb3 5dle3 2cdja 23hjf 29ng6 13hpa 3eoc3
1340  3.2 mean  3.5   2.6   2.6   2.9   2.9   3.4   3.8   3.3   3.7   3.0

--- 1345-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not
> understand this format, some or all of this message may not be legible.
>
> ------_=_NextPart_001_01C3B29D.88AE74D0
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"
>
> >The Internet Oracle has no questions to ask.
>
> Well of COURSE he doesn't! The Internet Oracle is all knowing and so
> needs to ask no questions.
>
> Surely we can find a better response to an empty queue!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Mime holds up four fingers.]
}
} Four words! [Mime nods.]
}
} [Mime holds up one finger.]
}
} First word!
}
} [Mime taps his nose, then shakes his head.]
}
} Ummm... the African head-shaking language!
}
} [Mime shakes his head, to both repeat the charade and respond to the
} guess.]
}
} Uh... "no!"
}
} [Mime nods, and holds up two fingers, for the second word.]
}
} Second word!
}
} [Mime gets in "The Thinker" pose.]
}
} Cleft chin!
}
} [Mime changes tactics, and tries to twist his fingers into a question
} mark.]
}
} Twist-tie!
}
} [Mime changes his approach again, and shrugs his shoulders.]
}
} Question!
}
} [Mime taps his nose, and holds up three fingers.]
}
} Third word!
}
} [Mime holds up two fingers.]
}
} But we already DID the second word!
}
} [Mime shakes his head vigorously, holds up three fingers again, then
} holds up two fingers and points at them.
}
} Subtraction!
}
} [Mime holds up one particular finger.]
}
} Hey, same to you, pal!
}
} [Mime starts over with the third word, and holds up TWO FINGERS. TWO.
} WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Mime looks like he is going to explode with
} frustration if this supplicant does not get it through his thick little
} skull.]
}
} Um... two!
}
} [Mime sighs with relief, and holds up four fingers.]
}
} Fourth word!
}
} [After pondering his options, mime puts hand to his ear.]
}
} Sounds like...
}
} [Mime picks up a hip flask that was left lying on the kitchen table.]
}
} Flask. Sounds like flask...
}
} [Mime nods like there is no tomorrow.]
}
} I know it! I know it!
}
} [Mime starts to beam.]
}
} No question to bask!
}
} [From the look on mime's face, supplicant realizes that his answer was
} not correct.]
}
} No question, two tasks!
}
} [Mime lunges at the supplicant, sending him flying through the open
} seventh-floor window. Splat.]
}
} -----
}
} You know, I think the Mime Charade system of empty-queue notification is
} a bit too complicated and risky. Don't you prefer the current system?
}
} You owe the Oracle a dictionary for the African head-shaking language.

--- 1345-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Most Worthy Oracle, Whose Shoes I Would Not Be Worthy To Clean Even
> If They Weren't Already Perfectly Polished...
>
> How come my boss won't buy me a second monitor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Enough damage to the office shrubbery, carpets, and breakroom donut
} supply -- not to mention that gnawing incident with the UPS delivery
} man -- has been done by the giant carnivorous lizard you all ready
} have, asking for another one is really pushing it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a salt-water crocodile.

--- 1345-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> The supplicant has no questions to ask.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good.  Your questions always were pretty rotten.  Now
} just shut up for a while.

--- 1345-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> More Cripes!  It wasn't enough with the cheese, but that stupid
> chocolate sauce, how could you ever dream such stuff up.  It
> was all I could do to stay afloat, until I woke up.  Maybe if
> I retire to a small cottage in the south of France and spend my
> time in penitential grovelling, you'll stop sending me your
> dreams.
>
> Anyway, I need to know what REALLY happened to Frederick
> Barbarossa on the Third Crusade.  Also, where can I find the
> relic of the True Cross that was lost at that time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you don't like my dreams, then quit trying to get inside my head
} with all these "what are you thinking about?" and "wouldn't it be great
} to have a family?" questions. Just enjoy the sex like I do, and leave
} it at that.
}
} I warned Frederick to wait an hour after eating before going in the
} water. But he always was a headstrong man. "It's not far!" he said. "I
} can wade across!"
}
} And he wasn't carrying a relic of the True Cross at the time. He was
} carrying the latest edition of the Agnostic Acrostic, a word puzzle
} periodical that was sold in market checkout lines at the time - right
} next to the Imperial Enquirer. Although Rome discouraged levity with
} spiritual issues, and certainly had nothing good to say about agnostics
} in general, the fact was that any campaign in the Middle East involved
} weeks of travel. Frederick could be forgiven for wanting a little
} something to pass the time.
}
} You owe the Oracle the answer for 12 across in the August 12, 1153
} Vatican Times crossword. It's a 9-letter word for "Third of Five," and
} I have _ _ V _ _ _ C V S. Oh, never mind - it's "Leviticus."

--- 1345-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Imposing Oracle, I am your impostering supplicant.  Today I'll
> pretend to be the King of Sweden.
>
> Yump-de-yump, bork, bork, bork!
>
> Since when did the Swedish Chef from the Muppets become King of
> Sweden?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since 2000 to be exact. In that year we received a
} request:
}
} --
} From: socks@whitehouse.gov
}
} Oh most wise Oracle, whose powers are almost as great
} as those of the president of the United States of
} America, please tell me ...
}
} What is to be done about the economic danger presented
} to american furniture makers by IKEA?
} --
}
} Being inclined to humorous and rather mischievous
} responses, we suggested to have the CIA replace their
} monarch with a total moron.
}
} The Swedish Secret Service subsequently retaliated in
} similar fashion by getting president Bush elected.
}
} You owe the Oracle one cuban cigar.

--- 1345-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O great and rambling oracle, whose stream of consiousness flows ever
> onward in infinite wisdom:
>
> How can *I* build a crystal-roofed palace of forty thousand rooms in
> the shape of a pork kidney?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In Xanadu the Oracle
} A stately palace did decree,
} A crystal roofed pleasure dome
} That neighbors called "Monstrocity."
} So twice five miles of verdant grove
} Were sacrificed and bulldozed down:
} And there were theme parks bright with virtual thrills,
} Where blossomed many a plastic-potted tree;
} And here were shoppes with furbeloes and frills,
} And yonder booth to charge the entrance fee.
}
} But oh! that steep glazed roof that slanted
} Up to the heavens and o'er the nether hells!
} A savage place! where seagulls sat enchanted
} and crapped upon the brilliant glass undaunted
} by Zadoc wailing for his shotgun shells.
}
} And in this tower, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
} The audience in fast thick pants were breathing,
} As Lisa, goddess of the Internet;
} Upon the stage a half-completed set
} of sultry steamy songs was slowly writhing.
}
} Her flashing eyes, her floating hair!
} Weave a circle round her thrice
} And keep the audience locked into its seats
} For she is hotter than Athena fair
} And worth the wait, and aye well worth the price.
}
} The Oracle owes Samuel Taylor Coleridge a sincere
} apology and a pipe of opium.
}
} You owe the Oracle a demon lover.
} (Ouch, Lisa, stop that!)

--- 1345-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I have to write a paper for an IT class about an up-and-coming
> computer technology.
>
> But woe is me, for I cannot think of a good topic.  What should I
> write about?  The next Windoze OS?  MPP?  COW's?  Opitical Computer?
> Help me, so that I can make up my mind.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   In a surprise development, Maxis Inc. released the top-secret sequel
} to its incredibly popular game _The_Sims_, _The_Not-So_Sims_.
} Not only does this new game support true 3D graphics, but it also
} incorporates ultra-realistic environments and highly sophisticated
} artifical intelligence that will make the game sure to fly off the
} shelves.  But the biggest selling point is the Sim Me expansion pack,
} expected to be released next month, which comes with a brain-recording
} helmet to fully incorporate any person's character, personality,
} and abilities into the game.
}
}   No beta-testers of the new product could be reached for comment,
} but some of their electronic alter-egos agreed to be interviewed:
}
}  "You mean that all reality is a computer game being played by people
} with no lives?  That's depressing.  On the other hand, it explains
} a lot."
}
}  "All I ever do is sleep, eat, and play Nethack!  Life is great!"
}
}  "It is sooo realistic!  Well, I'm biased.  But every triangle in my
} body is rendered perfectly!"
}
}  "The existence of this 'outside world' where an omnipotent, human-like
} 'player' controls everything can neither be proven nor disproven
} and is not an interesting question to debate.  Besides, I'm too busy
} writing a computer game involving simulated people's everyday lives
} to talk with you."
}
}  "Does this have anything to do with the fact that the world suddenly
} become all blurry when I go to the bathroom?"
}
}   Human rights groups are planning protests for the release of SimMe,
} saying that this is the first time that middle-class computer users
} have been the target of massive eugenics program.
}
}   Will Wright, creator of _The_Not-So_Sims_, was quoted as saying,
} "It is not the job of software companies to control how their
} software is used.  If people buy our software and devote their lives
} to character development in a universe where I am the absolute ruler,
} who am I to stop them?"
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a hot tub, a plasma TV, and doorbell that
} automatically *ZOT*s visitors.

--- 1345-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, most humble and yet spiffy, answer me this:
>
> The US has just announced that a "significant number" of the prisoners
> held at Gitmo are there only because the US offered bounties to Afghan
> warlords for "Taliban" and then paid cash without asking questions
> when some poor schmuck was delivered to them.
>
> What other foolish rubbish is still being concealed in the name of
> "national security"?  Is there a video of Osama bin Laden pointing at a
> picture of the WTC towers with a bullseye painted on them?  Is there a
> report from the CIA saying that Saddam had already delivered every
> single chemical weapon to the American embassy in 1992, giftwrapped?
> Is there a psychiatrists report stating that Chaney gets sexually
> excited when he sees bombs going off?
>
> Oracle, my Oracle, what other stupidities are this inane bunch of
> ninnies concealing from the world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I know the answer, but you're not going to like it.
}
} Ashcroft's Justice Department now has enough power to (a)
} tap your phone without notice, (b) search your home or
} office without notice, (c) investigate your church, mosque,
} or synagogue without notice, (d) arrest you without probable
} cause, (e) extradite you to Cuba without judicial review,
} (f) hold you incommunicado for an unspecified amount of time,
} (g) deny you access to an attorney, (h) deny your right of
} habeas corpus, (i) begin this process on anyone who protests
} your treatment or works to have you treated in accord with
} the US Constitution.
}
} All of this is subject only to judicial review by a secret
} court whose members are anonymous, at which you can't present
} evidence, and whose proceedings are born classified.
}
} Sorry, I wish I had better news, but that's how it is.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Star Chamber.

--- 1345-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Invisible ink!  Fortunately I'm omniscient, and can see through
} simple subterfuge.  That was a neat grovel, but a naive reader
} could have mistaken it for an insult.  Anyway, in answer to your
} question:
}
} There's nowhere to put them.  They'll wither on the vine and fall
} off, even before they are ripe, and even if you had a storeroom,
} the required temperature is too variable.  You'll have to come up
} with a better idea than growing underware on poinsettia plants.

--- 1345-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I've lived in Florida until now and now there's a foot of snow on the
> ground.  How do I win a snowball fight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   == Ten Tips on How to Win a Fight with a Snowball ==
}
} 10. If Possible; arrange to have the fight in Hell.
} 09. Be an animate creature.
} 08. Stay uphill of the snowball!!!
} 07. Tempting as it may be, don't make snowman/snowball
}     taunts.
} 05. Don't torture any prisoners you may take, look
}     around you. All that whiteness sympathizes with
}     the snowball. Placing prisoners in the freezer is
}     okay, feeding them to your dog is not.
} 04. Watch out for snowballs that use large angry, slightly
}     evil children to propel them.
} 03. Don't assume the snowball is a softy, some have
}     ingested rocks or shards of glass.
} 02. Carry a bat. Don't go for home runs, just keep them
}     at bay.
} 01. Two Words: Preemptive Attack.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dirt clod war.