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From: Internet Oracle <oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu>
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1344
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=== 1344 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1344
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 25 Nov 2003 09:54:24 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
    1344
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1339  47 votes 1fl73 8abg2 17dh9 19gg5 05jg7 03bna 05if9 18nb4 28ch8 09ld4
1339  3.4 mean  2.9   2.9   3.6   3.3   3.5   3.9   3.6   3.2   3.4   3.3

--- 1344-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  Oh Great Oracle, who probably considers FINNAGEN'S WAKE light reading,
>  is there some deeper meaning to the Teletubbies that I don't
>  understand?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sweet? Cuddly? Cute? Yes the Teletubbies are all this, nice simple
} images for us all to relax with -
} BUT WAIT!!
} Have you ever wondered why the darling little creatures seem to spend
} most of their lives in abject fear, nervously awaiting the moment when
} the omnipotent windmill - with it's mind controlling red rays will
} terrify the cuty creatures into running away and crying 'oh no!!'
} before trying to reassure each other with cuddle. They are then flung
} to the floor and one is chosen to be subjected to an ordeal of telly
} torture as an example to the others. Stranger still once they have had
} the 'glow' they come back for more - obviously a subtle method of mind
} control - the 'glow' sends signals to their little brains and gives
} them a feeling of wellbeing and happiness - they are once again at one
} with their TelyTubby world.
}
} SPIES AND CONTROL!!
} The omnipotent windmill employs a variety of methods to monitor the
} fluffy foursome. The 'shower heads' are the Tubby World equivalent of
} the KGB - spying - reporting - 'persuading' and putting fear into the
} hearts of the Teletubbies by forcing them into their home with cries of
} 'Time for Telebybyes'. This is only done when the 'glow' from the
} Teletorture is wearing off and the Teletubbies are again becoming
} themselves. Once inside their subterranean abode they are seemingly
} cared for by an enigmatic vacuum called 'no-no' who infact is there to
} adjust the Tubbies behaviour - making them conform to the TeleTidy norm
} and keeping them 'happy' with TubbyToast.
}
} FOOD FOR THOUGHT!!
} What exactly is 'TubbyToast' the round brown slices are emblazoned with
} the sign of world harmony - the smiley face. You cannot fail to notice
} that once the Teletubbies have had even a small nibble they get a
} little giddy - obviously this stuff affects their behaviour. It may be
} packed with nutrients (just look at the size of the poor overfed
} creatures) but the face is laced with chemicals that allow the mind
} control to continue.
}
} WHAT - NO PICTURES!!
} You may have noticed that there are no 'real' images of the Teletubbies
} available on the internet - the excuse from the 'Intellectual
} Protection' boys and girls at the BBC is that they want to protect the
} rights of 'The Creator' - BUT NO!! This is not true - a consortium of
} international governments have put pressure on the BBC to ban these
} images which would otherwise have swayed the world populous into 'Tubby
} mind control'. People wandering the planet fearful of windmills and
} shower heads. Personal hygiene would become a casualty and the spread
} of disease would be rife.
}
} The Oracle commands you to fetch hither a beer before he goes
} completely Dipsy and Pos on you.

--- 1344-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> When writing, I like everything to have a name that is all its own.
> To that end I use compoundwords, without qualifyingadjectives or
> qualifyingadverbs.  My businessenglishinstructor says this is a
> badidea, but I think it is veryhelpful.  The Germanlanguage uses
> this kind of construction all the time.
>
> You are an Omniscientoracle, and know whether I am right or wrong.
> Please give me your consideredopinion.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You, dearsupplicant, being a stubbornpedanticmoron, not realizing
} that the GrecoRomanpractice, using a string of participlephrases
} telling the attentivereader everything he might wish to know
} about the sentencesubject and having described the directobject and
} indirectobjects thoroughly, compressing what in English might comprise
} a longchapter into onegloriouslygrammaticalsentence, proving easier
} on the readerseyes as well as confusing the autolinebreakfeature
} of modernmailreaders a greatdealless, need to listen to your
} businessenglishintructor, abandoning this ludicrouscompoundwordsconcept
} and joining the Participle Phrase Preserving Party, and the Committe
} for the Continued Consumption of Comma-Conjoined Clauses.
}
} You, having subjected the Oracle to this misguided attempt to
} re-Germanify the Englishlanguage, owe one originallyricpoem, being
} written in Enlightmentlatin, or koinegreek (yourchoice).

--- 1344-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Will I ever get the girl I'm after?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hell, just grab her! Don't bother with her grandmother, she's too tough
} and chewy. Besides, the old 'what big teeth you have' routine will only
} end with trouble with the woodsman. Get her now and grab the goodie
} basket.
}
} You owe the Oracle her red riding hood.

--- 1344-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Great Oracle, I am greatly troubled.
>
> It's almost at the point where I want to / my wrists... I can't _
> the problem enough, I just # my head into the wall until all I see
> are *s, + I've even tried putting some weird stuff into my |.
>
> How do I make more $?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think I & your ?.  { yourself for the answer.  First, get that weird
} stuff out of your :.  Th@ couldn't possibly be good for your health.
} Sticking things in the | is never a good thing, let me tell you.
}
} You could go into crime.  Rob little old ladies of their 24-^ gold
} jewelry.  Though if you end up in jail, it's not going to be your
} head getting #ed, if you know what I mean.
}
} You could go into motivational speaking, spewings "s from the
} greatest philosophers of our time (or make up your own \ns), ~ you
} make a fortune.
}
} Pro runners make a lot of $ if they know how to - fast.
}
} Or, go to Hollywood and become a movie *.  A number of them end up
} governor, I hear, and Bob only knows how much $ they can get from
} political contributors.  At least you can run up the bar\t on your
} drinks, and charge it to the government.
}
} See, you have a lot of options.
}
} You owe the oracle 70% of your earnings.  Yeah, y'heard me.

--- 1344-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, whose bite is as bad as his bark, who has broken the chains
> others have tried to place about his neck, please help me.
>
> My boss is a bitch.
>
> I knew from the first time she pranced in and I smelled her butt.
>
> The problem is, I still have all my parts. My owners refuse to neuter
> me. If they had, I'd happily dance around and play the fool for this
> control freak. But it just ain't happenin now.
>
> Can you provide some wisdom for this humble pup?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Guy Ritche,
}
} You knew what you were getting into when you married
} Madonna, don't whine about it now.
}
} Sincerely,
} TIO
}
} Ps. You owe the Oracle and the world a promise to
} make no more movies.

--- 1344-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> OOOOOO-weee! Looky what we gots herre! An almighty Internet Oracle,
> lordy!  He must think something awful special of hisself if he thinks
> he can fill them boots.
>
> Well go on make me a believer!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fine. Just for that, one will be assembled and sent to your door in
} ten minutes, complete with robes, pamphlets, chanting, and
} tambourine. And he won't go away for a week.
}
} You owe the Oracle a *big* rethink of your grovelling style.

--- 1344-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Hi, I'm the king of the tiny country near Yugoslavia.  Remember, I'm
> the fellow who used to petition you for extra vowels, "Hallo, I am
> kingk ovv tinny cntry nr Jgoslvja."  Well, thanks to your magnanimous
> gift, I am now able to speak and write like a normal person.  You must
> have gone all the way to Hawaii to get all the vowels you sent me.  And
> that huge crate of macadamia nuts.  I swear, my subjects and I have
> eaten almost nothing but those nuts since the day they arrived.  The
> professor at our university says when they are gone he's taking the
> crate, and cover over the letter M on the label to make it say ACADAMIA
> NUTS.  He wants to put the crazy students (most of them, I take it)
> inside and nail it shut.
>
> There's a bit of a worry, though.  Everyone here is using up vowels
> (and macadamia nuts) like there was no tomorrow.  Street minstrals sing
> "Aloha Oe" instead of "Otschejj Tschrnja".  The Natural History museum
> has an exhibit about the humuhumunukunukuapuaa.  My fear izz zt we wll
> rn owt ov wvvls.  Chrst!  No mr wvvls!!!  Pls hlp!!  (& mr mcdm nts.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Imbecile! You weren't supposed to eat the nuts, you were
} supposed to plant them! Each macadamia nut would have
} yielded four perfectly good A's and the harvest from that
} batch would have made you A-independent for decades. I
} told you that this was the first of five shipments.
} The rest are due to arrive next week:
}
} Coffee
} Zucchini
} Broccoli
} Cucumbers
}
} Now PLANT these next time and you won't have to devote
} most of your pitiful national budget to importing vowels.
}
} You'll just have to make due without A's this year.
}
} You owe the Oracle a schwa bush.

--- 1344-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I (a male) have friend whose younger brother is hot.  Problem is, I
> don't know whether or not he's gay.  Is it proper for me to write my
> friend inquiring as to his brother's orientation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jimmie?  Is that you?
}
} I had no idea you even knew I existed. <sniff>  Yes, yes, a
} thousand times yes!
}
} You owe the Oracle a better gaydar detector.  This one's broken.

--- 1344-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, you are wise in ways that would cause us mortals to tremble
> with awe and fear if it weren't for the fact that knowing even a
> fraction of what you know would no doubt kill us outright.
>
> Where can I hide this turkey?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Too late, Mr. President; you energy bill has already been sent to
} Congress.
}
} You owe the Oracle a quart of ethanol with a shot of MTBE on the side.

--- 1344-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Internet Oracle,
>
> How does one type with boxing gloves on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, supplicant, the first step is to get a cow and an axe; the axe is
} very important, so don't forget it.  Take the cow to market, but before
} you are there, meet a kindly stranger who will offer you 3 beans in
} exchange for your cow.  Believe me, it's a good deal:  those are magic
} beans.  Your mother, of course, won't believe any of this, will call
} you all sorts of names, and then toss the beans out the window.  Go to
} sleep.
}
} The next morning, you should notice a large beanstalk leading up to the
} clouds.  Climb up until you find a bit of solid cloud; don't worry, it
} will be there.  Just make sure it's solid before you step off of the
} beanstalk.  Off in the distance should be a castle.  Walk toward the
} castle.
}
} You will have to walk much farther than you think, because the castle
} is a giant castle; don't let it screw with your perception.  Fight the
} vertigo and walk inside.  Ignore the large mortar filled with
} half-crushed bones; it doesn't concern you.  Ignore the goose and the
} singing harp; the owner took those from somebody else's father.  Go
} toward the desk, disconnect the giant keyboard, and slip away
} unnoticed.
}
} When you get to the bottom of the beanstalk, chop it down (aren't you
} glad you remembered the axe?).  Don't worry, nothing is charging down
} it, you just need the beanstalk to create a giant keyboard tray.  Each
} button on the keyboard should be about 1.5 times the size of an average
} boxing glove.  Happy typing.
}
} You owe the Oracle Jack Sprat's leftover fat (his wife died years ago)