From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Sep 30 13:27:33 2003 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/Submit) id h8UHRWYW017555; Tue, 30 Sep 2003 12:27:32 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 30 Sep 2003 12:27:32 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200309301727.h8UHRWYW017555@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1336 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1336 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1336 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 30 Sep 2003 12:27:20 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1336 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1331 58 votes 27ehi 5jgd5 59dt2 5bhg9 9fo91 29jia 1acdm 4ciea 4jfc8 06jq7 1331 3.3 mean 3.7 2.9 3.2 3.2 2.6 3.4 3.8 3.2 3.0 3.6 --- 1336-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mr. Oracle, > Good to see you. > > I notice you haven't been in my class the last few days. Naturally, > I'll want a note from your doctor excusing your absences. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To whom it may concern, } } Please excuse T. Oracle from any job/class/other obligations for } the previous seven days. He has been recovering from the following } illnesses: } + Severe migraine headache, caused by excessive cognition. } + Sprained, er, privates, caused by excessive "conjugation". } + Carpal tunnel syndrome (he'll be wearing a wrist brace for } the foreseeable future). } + Scratched cornea in his third eye (thus the eye patch). } + Severe indigestion (why on earth did he eat that candied yak?!) } + Delusions of grandeur (claims to be omniscient!), treated } with appropriate medications and ample rest in a serene } environment. } + Borderline nervous breakdown, caused by being asked too } many questions involving small furry creatures. } } While my opinion is that he should be able to resume his normal } routine, I do recommend a little compassion if he is a little } slower than usual for the next three days. } } Sincerely, } (illegible scribble) --- 1336-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Master of all Culinary Secrets, > > please tell me: how did the last Dodo taste? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Like chicken. } } Seriously, what else were you expecting? } } You owe the Oracle a brontosaurus-egg omelet. --- 1336-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Use an unacceptable colour And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, very well, chap. I say, this is a bit unusual though, isn't it? } But if it'll make you glow, I'll bloody well do it, I suppose... } "Color." There now. That truly was totally unacceptable, I must say. } Now, shall we take the lorry over to the pub and knock back a couple of } pints? --- 1336-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How does one choose what to do with his time, when choosing between > the bountiful pleasures and disciplines that this world has to offer? > Does he study Socrates, or Snowboarding? Figure skating, or Feng Shui? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A LIFE, IN RETROSPECT: } } Age 0: You can't walk. You can't talk. You have no real say in what } you do. Therefore, you make no decisions and are just thankful that } you weren't born to cultist parents that believe in feeding babies } nothing but watermelon. } } Age 2: You can walk. You can talk. By now, however, your parents are } used to it and are beginning to wish you'd stop. You still can't make } decisions, but are nonetheless vocal on the issue of whether or not you } should get another cookie (you are in favor of the proposal). } } Age 6: You can walk. You can talk. Depending on your parents, you may } even be able to go outside and make a few independent decisions. } However, you still don't have a clue who Socrates is or what Feng Shui } is all about. From watching Olympics on TV, you have minimal exposure } to snowboarding and figure skating. You aspire to becoming one of } these yourself, and have told your parents this. In response, they put } you in preschool. } } Age 13: You can walk. You can talk. However, you try to refrain from } doing either whenever possible. Your parents alternatively berate you } from lying around all day and for lying to them about what you're } doing, when you speak to them at all. Meanwhile, your school is } requiring that you study Socrates and a friend is trying to show you } the wonders of Feng Shui. You choose to boycott watching the Olympics } in a patriotic display of unilateralism, and thus forget all about your } desire to participate in either snowboarding or figure skating. } } Age 18: You can walk. You can talk. Your parents observe this and } suggest you walk over to your counselor and talk about college. Due to } fiscal restraints, you don't get to make a decision about where to } attend and end up in the college nearest to you. } } Age 21: You can walk. You can talk (in Greek too, now). You are } pursuing a degree in Classical Antiquity with a major in the writings } of Socrates. In your spare time, you are clashing with the } administration over your proposal to knock out one of the walls in your } dorm in order to improve the flow of positive energy. } } Age 24: You can walk. You can talk. But you're told not to do either } except when indicated as you prepare for your graduation ceremony. } It's been an arduous path, but you've now got a Masters from the } Classics department. } } Age 26: You can walk. You can talk. You're back living with your } parents after finding that your two main marketable skills } (interpreting Socrates and Feng Shui) aren't as marketable as you would } have hoped. You complain bitterly that this all happened because your } parents made you start preschool instead of snowboarding lessons. } } Age 32: During designated break times, you're allowed to walk and to } talk. The rest of the time you're stuck working on an assembly line } building snowboards. Due to your study of Sophocles, the irony is not } lost on you. } } Age 40: You run off with some girl and sweet talk her. You also buy a } fancy car. In other words, a standard mid-life crisis. After leaving } your old job, you buy some figure skates and decide to take the world } by storm. } } Age 41: You give up trying to find an instructor willing to take a } forty year old on as a serious figure skating student. As you walk } around, you talk to anyone nearby about how unfair life is. } } Age 50: You get a tenure track position back at your old university. } You become one of the best professors in the Classics department, due } to your impassioned lectures in which you walk around madly and talk } with fervor. You begin to realize that learning to walk and talk were } the two most important achievements of your life. You reject Feng Shui } as a false science. } } Age 72: You spend most of your day walking around the mall with a cane } and talking at young people about the virtue of choosing what you do in } your life. They ignore you and instead get pushed into things by their } parents until it's too late to change. And thus the cycle repeats. --- 1336-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear great Oracle who goes way back and nows all the old basic > programs, > > where does the wumpus hide? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Most times the wumpus hides in a random place. If you would stop making } noise it would stay there and you would be able to catch it. } } Remember, wumpus isn't your average DOOM-like monster. Don't use your } Plasmathrower or your Zap-O-Kill. } } You owe me nothing for this advice, since for the sake of fairness i } had to inform the wumpus that you're trying to cheat. --- 1336-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great and Powerful Oracle, pre-eminent, always at the > next level, and new and improved. Please tell me, what > was the first corporate re-organization ever orchestrated by > humankind? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The first corporate re-organization ever orchestrated by humankind took } place when the most senior caveman decided that it would be far more } productive if there was one group collecting flintstones while a second } group chiselled the collected flintstones into tools. } This resulted in cavemen being good at chiselling ending up walking } through the rain and the mud looking for flintstones in the wrong } places and in cavemen who knew where to find flintstones trying to } shape what flintstones they still had with wood. } After six month the community ran out of flintstone tools. The } procurement group then blamed the manufacturing group for not } delivering any products and the manufacturing group blamed the } procurement group for not supplying the base materials the } manufacturing group needed. In what is known as the second corporate } re-organization both process where outsourced by the CEO or } caveman-expecting-obedience and relocated to adjacent valleys. } Both spin-off's immediately diversified, the procurement group now } producing wooden tools and the manufacturing group discovering fire } when working with much too crude flintstone tools. } Everything would have been fine had it not been for the bad } infrastructure and a communication problem. By the time the most senior } caveman remembered that you need tools to kill and skin a mammoth he } was to weak to travel to either valley and subsequently died. At about } the same time both outsourced groups found out independently that none } of them knew *where* mammoth were usually found, and, a little while } later, that the one person who knew now was dead. } Both groups managed to survive the winter by living on wild berries; } came spring both left their valleys and each found a new group of } cavemen into which they quickly assimilated, thus slowly spreading the } disease over the whole planet. } } You owe the Oracle a medium sized company he can test some theories of } his with. --- 1336-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > Why do fuels fall in love? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They may be old fossils, but they can't help it, they're burning with } passion. } } You owe the Oracle a zeppelin. --- 1336-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most smart, what exactly is a hyperbolic sign? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you were thinking of the hyperbolic sine, it would be } } z -z } sinh z = 1/2 (e - e ) } } Just in case you have trouble reading my ASCII-fied equation, } it reads "one-half the quantity e to the z, minus e to the } negative z". } } Would that were what you wanted to know! But you wanted the } hyperbolic SIGN. Take a road sign, the descriptive kind, like } SLIPPERY WHEN WET, or SOFT SHOULDER, the kind that are fun to } use when answering someone who asks, "What's your sign?" Get } it to a local sheet-metal shop, and roll and hammer it until } it has a hyperbolic shape. If the metal rings loudly, you } have a bell curve instead of an hyperbola, and you'll have to } start all over. } } When you are done, you are finished. I have no idea what you } would want one of these for. } } You owe the Oracle a waterproof asymptote. --- 1336-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > As California does it self-inflicted death spiral which state > will emerge to be the new Cool Trend Setter state? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } California. } } Every other state will follow California's trend and initiate their own } self-inflicted death spiral. --- 1336-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most ins^Htelligent, > > Can your modems dance a baudy jig? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Modems? Modems. Modems... I used to know what those were. } Just a second... Oh, right. Modulator-demodulators. Used } to use them with analog phone lines, before we installed this } quantum-teleportation connection to the internet. } } Yes, they used to dance a very bawdy jig. Oh, wait, you } said "baudy". No, it wasn't very baudy as I recall; something } like 880 baud, with 64 bits encoded in each transition, maybe? } It was around 56kbps anyway. Hard to remember that far back } today, for some reason. } } But it was definitely bawdy! I do remember that! Whoo-whee! } I'm tellin' ya! Quite the lewd dance! But now the jig is up, } and we just don't use any mo' o' dem.