From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Aug 22 10:17:49 2003 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6p2/8.11.6/IUCS_2.50) id h7MEnjE26402; Fri, 22 Aug 2003 09:49:45 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 09:49:45 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200308221449.h7MEnjE26402@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1332 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1332 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1332 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 09:49:33 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1332 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1327 59 votes 8jkb1 15kna 39km5 27aim 1cta7 2ail8 3clh6 78mk2 7hgh2 2ackf 1327 3.3 mean 2.6 3.6 3.3 3.9 3.2 3.4 3.2 3.0 2.8 3.6 --- 1332-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did the chicken cross the road? What have I got in my pocket? > Why? Where's Waldo? How? Do you have a match? How's Lisa? Would > you like fries with that? Can you give me directions to the museum? > *ZOT* Where did I put my keys? Does Sally want to go out with me? > How do I get Windows to work? "> " How'd you like my grovel? Do you > love me? When will Spike Lee make a nother movie? Can I? May I? > What are Lisa's measurements? Will I be a sta r? What's Zadoc up to? > Where? Can you hear me now? R U 3l33t l1k3 m3? Wh at am I thinking > right now? Og like Or-a-kul. What have I got in my pocket? Howe chan > ay lern to spel? Vfa'g EBG-13 pbby? When? Can you teach me to h ack? > You've got spam! How's the weather? What? Will Lisa go out with me? > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? > > Oh mighty Oracle, as a gift, I, your supplicant, will ask none of > the above questions, and hope that in your infinite wisdom, you will > grant me an answer to the following querry, in gratitude for me not > asking any of the other ab ove listed chestnuts. > > Um...I've forgotten what my question was. Oh well, in that case, > can you just tell me... > > Why did the chicken cross the road? What have I got in my pocket? > Why? Where's Waldo? How? Do you have a match? How's Lisa? Would > you like fries with that? Can you give me directions to the museum? > *ZOT* Where did I put my keys? Does Sally want to go out with me? > How do I get Windows to work? "> " How'd you like my grovel? Do you > love me? When will Spike Lee make a nother movie? Can I? May I? > What are Lisa's measurements? Will I be a sta r? What's Zadoc up to? > Where? Can you hear me now? R U 3l33t l1k3 m3? Wh at am I thinking > right now? Og like Or-a-kul. What have I got in my pocket? Howe chan > ay lern to spel? Vfa'g EBG-13 pbby? When? Can you teach me to h ack? > You've got spam! How's the weather? What? Will Lisa go out with me? > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, that's pathetic, really. Can't you damn fools write down your } bloody questions beforehand? Alright then, I guess I'll have to deal } with this rubbish instead. } } To get to the other side. My birthday present. Because you're a thief, } you nassty Bagginss. He's there. You can't say that, you're } perpetuating a Native American stereotype. Yes. Magnificent. No. It's } over there. That's what *I* say. They're in the door. She'd rather date } a woodchuck. Carry them. This answer intentionally left blank. I hated } it. No. I don't care. Probably not. No. They're the numbers which } describe various parts of her body. No. He's not up, he's down, if he } knows what's good for him. In his room. No, I turned the volume down, I } don't want to hear you. You're not 'elite', you're a juvenile half-wit } with the literacy of a four-year-old. "> " Or-a-kul ZOT Og. You've } still got my birthday present, you thief. With great difficulty. Ab. } Now. Grab an axe and start swinging. Well, duh. Partly cloudy, with a } high of 17C. That's 17 degrees Celsius, you ignoramus. She'd rather } date a woodchuck. } } There, I hope you're happy. Wait, I missed one. } } <*ZOT!*> } } You owe the Oracle a promise never to ask any of these questions again. --- 1332-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The supplicant has nothing to ask. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It was a fancy restaurant and the food looked fantastic. As time } passed, however, it began to taste like bitter ashes in Orrie's mouth. } He looked up shyly. The supplicant was still sitting there, but they } had both given up talking long ago. The magic of the evening had } passed, and they were both just eating as fast as possible so that the } night might come to an end. Orrie did feel a bit guilty about what he } had said, but he firmly believed that he had ever right to say it, and } he couldn't bring himself to apologize, even as he saw the supplicant } sitting there, chewing glumly, using the salad fork on the main course } and not even realizing it, pondering about what cats mean when they say } "Meow," but getting no answer, not even trying to plagiarize another } supplicant's question. It was all so terrible. } } Although he would never have though of it previously, Orrie found his } eyes wandering about the room, imaging the other diners as his } supplicant, thinking of the questions that they would give him and the } answers he would send back. Couldn't he be happy with them? No, he } thought, he had to sit it out with this supplicant. For now at least; } tradition demanded as much. "So," he began finally, "would you like to } hear a review of the upcoming film 'My Big Fat Greek Divorce?'" } } The supplicant just shrugged, toying with the food on the plate. Orrie } frowned; that would have been a really funny answer too, he thought to } himself. He straightened himself, leaned back casually, and tried } again: "have I ever showed you the congrats e-mail I got for making the } digest?" } } The supplicant nodded tiredly, an affirmation only: not a request that } Orrie show the e-mail again. Darn, he thought, that e-mail usually } makes all of the supplicants flock to me. He considered starting } again, with "The Top 10 Ways to Know your Waiter Spit in the Soup," } perhaps, but he decided against it. What was wrong? This one can't } still be mad about what I said, right? He had basically given up } trying to make conversation at this point, and sat silently, watching } time pass on the clock inside his head. } } Finally, in desperation, he shouted: "Okay! You win! I'm sorry I } zotted you, but you know how that...that...that question makes me feel. } Now will you stop giving me the cold shoulder?" He looked around the } room, saw that everyone was now staring at him, and began to cry. It } had been a long day, and the queue had finally gotten to him. But they } couldn't blame him, could they? It was tough work being an } incarnation. --- 1332-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What size hat does God wear? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } God's hat is so big, he couldn't wear it. } } You owe the Oracle a piece of wood so big, a woodchuck couldn't chuck } it, even if he would. --- 1332-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, > > A few weeks ago, I checked some books out from the library, and it's > been great: they're a fairly effective head thomper, they make me look > smart when I carry them, and one of them is currently propping up the > short leg of my coffee table. But now, the library is saying that they > want the books back. > > Why would they give me these books only to take them away again? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The problem is that there are only a limited number of books in the } world, yet authors continue to write stories. This has become quite a } problem for the publishing industry, which up to now has been content } with the collection of used books from buses, planes, and trains. } } Once your books have been collected at the library, they are } transported via truck to a special processing vat where they are } bleached white by a mixture of chlorine and bromine agents, then } treated with anti-acidic chemicals to keep the paper fresh. Special } high-power ion beams then imprint the newest best-seller on the pages } and an industrial silk-screen device colors the cover. } } This would all be unnecessary if there were more paper to be had, but } thanks to Monty Python's "Lumberjack" song the entire logging industry } can no longer attract the virile young men needed to cut down more } trees. } } You owe the Oracle a renewal. --- 1332-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, long has this question vexed this humble > supplicant! > > A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same > length on each side. It weighs one third of a pound > per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a banana, > and on the other end hangs a weight equal to the > weight of the monkey. The banana weighs two ounces > per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as the age of > the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey > (in ounces) is the same as the monkey's mother. The > combined age of the monkey and its mother is thirty > years. One half the weight of the monkey, plus the > weight of the banana, is one fourth as much as the > weight of the weight and the weight of the rope. > The monkey's mother is half as old as the monkey will > be when it is three times as old as its mother was > when she half as old as the monkey will be when it is > as old as its mother will be when she is four times as > old as the monkey was when it was twice as its mother > was when she was one third as old as the monkey was > when it was as old as its mother was when she was > three times as old as the monkey was when it was one > fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The length of a banana (when straightened) can be determined by a ratio } of its mass (in grams) and how old it is (in day), due to the tendency } of bananas to shrink into a mush as they age. } } Specifically, L = cM/A where c = 7/1823 centimeter-days/grams. } } Now, M is straightforward to calculate--first take the mass of the } monkey at the spot where it is connected to the rope (hint: you can use } air dynamics to project the monkeys mass onto a plane and thus } calculate the moment easily). amd as I'm sure you've already } calculated, you will find that it weights 138.2 kg (by the way, are you } sure the ages you gave were correct--this is a fairly high weight for a } monkey). Now, since we have a weight equal to the monkey on the other } side, these factors will cancel out (so it doesn't really matter than } you messed up the ages; you got lucky this time, but watch it in the } future). Now we just need to calculate the length of the rope and oh } my, this is getting ugly. I wonder if there's a better track. Aha! } } Okay, starting over. We will work from the statement: "One half the } weight of the monkey, plus the weight of the banana, is one fourth as } much as the weight of the weight and the weight of the rope." } } 1/2M + B = 1/4W + R <=> M + 2B = 1/2W + 2R } } Now, since the monkey and the weight are equal, we have } } 1/2M + 2B = 2R, or solving for B, B = R - 1/4M. } } I'd show you the rest, but you chose a lousy set of units and it gets } really ugly. } } But in the end, I reached the following conclusion: } the rope frays on the fence and snaps, causing the monkey to fall into } a pit and be killed. The SPCA arrests the supplicant for such a cruel } experiment. Please verify this result yourself and get back to me. } } You owe the Oracle a monkey that weighs half as much as its mother did } when its mother weighed half as much as the monkey will that you are } delivering to the Oracle. --- 1332-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Internet Oracle, > > We have had troubles as of yet in locating any Weapons of Mass > Destruction (WMDs) in Iraq, and would like to ask for your aid. > > We would be interested in your attempts to find these WMDs, using any > method you deem appropriate. > > Yours, > the Pentagon > > P.S. This message will self-destruct in five seconds. If questioned, > the Pentagon will deny having sent it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's sure hot in Iraq, } We had not time to play. } We look for some weapons, } no time for a delay. } } I sat down by Billy, } who was holding a book. } Inside there was a pretzel, } as he cried, "Oh where to look.." } } The UN was getting upset, } as the US troops looked, } No sign of WMDs or Saddam; } but we're otherwise hooked. } } So all we could do was to } Look! } Look! } Look! } Look! } And we did not like it. } Not one little bit. } } BOOM! } And then } Something went BOOM! } How that boom made us jump! } } We looked! } Then we saw it high on the hill! } We looked! } And we saw it! } The weapons we brought! } And this tells us, } "This war's been for naught." } } As payment, you must send the Oracle one third-world country in need of } "liberation." --- 1332-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > > what celebrities have been abducted by aliens? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Quite a few actually, and the sad thing is that due to the Stockholm } syndrome most of them feel at home and don't try to escape anymore. } } Kal-El for example has been so smitten by these aliens that he took up } a whole secret persona just so he could save as many of his abductors } as he could. This when he could just as easily made his way back home. } It appears that the aliens brainwashed him into believing Krypton } was destroyed. } } Gordon Shumway was also fed the same line about Melmac being blown up } but he didn't forget his roots completely, he might have been aided } by the physiological differences between him and the aliens. } } Mork on the other hand kept his ties with Ork but seems reluctant } to return, the reason for this is unclear but evidence hints at his } being kept in check by promise of sexual favors for a certain female } alien named Mindy. } } So you see these damn aliens seem bent on abducting people just to } turn them into celebrities. It's as if the natural resources they } have on the planet aren't enough. } } You owe the Oracle Denis Rodman's return ticket. --- 1332-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, > > I've noticed that the American culture seems to be getting faster: > instant breakfast, instant coffee, and so on, and I was wondering when > we can expect to see products such as instant minute eggs. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You can get most things instantly today! Here are some things that } can be obtained in less than one minute. } } First, to answer your question - Instant eggs - crack eggs and throw } them into frying pan at high heat. } } Instant sponge cake - get a dried sponge. Add sugar and water } and Voila! It can't be worse than that instant breakfast you had } this morning. } } Instant family - go to an R-rated movie and find some underage kids } } Instant money - open your mailbox. Click on the message that says } REAL WAY TO GET MONEY QUICK - THIS IS NOT A SCAM!!!!!! Quickly follow } instructions. } } Instant pornography - go to said mailbox and click on innocent-looking } messages from jessica. } } Instant furniture - hack down your walls with a chainsaw until they } collapse into the desired shape } } You owe the Oracle an instant. --- 1332-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, who knows what all men and women wants. > Please tell me what I should give my mom for her 50:th birthday. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Birthday cake: 23 dollars. } Candles: 6 dollars. } A card: 5 dollars. } An antique vase: 23,742 dollars. } } The look on your dad's face when he realizes that you borrowed his } credit card: priceless. --- 1332-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > > Google is. What else can I say? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An adjective.