From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sat Aug 16 16:56:32 2003 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6p2/8.11.6/IUCS_2.49) id h7GLT8613486; Sat, 16 Aug 2003 16:29:08 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 16 Aug 2003 16:29:08 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200308162129.h7GLT8613486@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1331 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1331 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1331 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 16 Aug 2003 16:28:54 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1331 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1326 63 votes 11hsg 0cwe5 17tk6 26gkj 6eme7 1hni4 5fsb4 14ojf 6akha 56bin 1326 3.4 mean 3.9 3.2 3.4 3.8 3.0 3.1 2.9 3.7 3.2 3.8 --- 1331-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, I have journeyed through countless kingdoms with no > answer to my question. Soon I must embark on a journey to a place of > great learning, but first I wish to either accent in nethack.. or break > my addiction. Tell me, is there a way to forget about the Amulet of > Yendor so that I may go on with life as if it never was my goal? I've > tried countless things. Potions of booze have only left me with > illegitimate children, sleeping through spells, wands, and potions has > only given me night terrors of the wizard, and although I may forget > much after reading a scroll of amnesia, it seems to have only given me > a desire to know maud better. Can anything cure me of this relentless > desire? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, you've got it all backwards. After all, this is NetHack } we're talking about. Now, here's what you do: } } Don't worry about breaking the addiction, just head off to the } university. } } Once you're there, sign all of your work "@" (or 'x' if you're doing } #conduct illiterate). } } Use a pick-axe to create shorter routes between your classes. } } Tell your prof.'s that if they ever need anything, they can just place } a magic portal around subbasement 12. } } Go around campus killing everything in sight. Occasionally, announce } to anyone near by that you have gained a level. } } Don't forget to eat the corpses of what you kill, either. Finding food } on a college campus can be tough. } } Post a YANI on RGRN that the campus should get a cafeteria so you can } stop killing students for food (though not of you're own species, of } course. Unless you're chaotic.) } } If you ever need to borrow a text book and the owner refuses (possibly } because you're holding the corpse of a partially eaten student), } complain that they won't need it for another 20,000 turns anyway. Wait } till said person is over water and then steal their ring of levitation. } Then no one can use the book, and that's what selfish people deserve. } } Instead of doing your homework and studying, spend all night quaffing } unidentified potions. Call it research, and say that there's nothing } you really don't want to drink, as long as it isn't cursed. (Helpful } hint: you can convert the altar in the school chapel by sacrificing } your grades on it). } } If you're ever low on cash, considering dealing your excess potions of } hallucination and confusion. } } Hang around fountains, and #chat with anyone who appears. } } If the campus has a storage facility/steam pipes/what have you below } it, go there: if it's sufficiently mazelike, consider forsaking the } college and descending for the amulet. } } When exams come around, complain that your pen is out of charges and } that you just used your last blessed scroll of charging last night at } the bar, on your ring of adornment (it really DOES helps pick up } beautiful women. Another method is to find homely women and zap them } with a wand of polymorph until they become a 'new human' with better } stats). } } Eventually, if you follow these instructions carefully, you'll flunk } out and quite possibly get arrested and wind up in an asylum. And then } you have plenty of time for NetHack. } } You owe the Oracle 500 zorkmids for this major consultation. } } P.S. This really is the only way. Nothing's going to cure you of the } desire; not even actually managing to get the blasted Amulet. --- 1331-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Superb Oracle, please tell me: > > What is the half-life of a cat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The half-life of a cat is the time it takes for half of a sample of cat } to decompose. So... three weeks or so. But make sure it's dead first. } } You owe the Oracle an application to the IUPAC to name the next element } 'felinium'. --- 1331-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is this legal? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Certainly. A little research will show you that this has been around } long enough to be a fully mature word of legal age. Why, this even has } a respectable day job now in the C++ programming business. So relax, } this is perfectly legal. } } You owe the Oracle a Hammer remix titled "You CAN touch this" - } but with different pants. --- 1331-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mistew Intehnet Orakle, > > My fwiends all say you don't exist, but I still bewieve in you. All I > want to kno is how can I get my momy to get me a poney. > > thank yew, > Virginia. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, Virginia, there is an Oracle. } } He exists just as certainly as love, and groveling, and the Staff of } Zot exists, and readers of the Digests know that they abound. Alas! } How dreary life would be if there were no Oracle! It would be as } dreary as the weather in Virginia. There would be no childlike faith } then, no parodies of poetry, no answers to null questions to make } tolerable this existence. We should have no queue, except in lines } at banks. The external light of incarnations writing away at 2 A.M. } which fills the world would be extinguished. } } Not believe in the Oracle! You might as well not believe in MIMEs. } You might get your papa to write the Oracle a thousand tellmes, but } even if the Oracle didn't respond, what would that prove (besides the } fact that people worldwide were struggling for something funny to say)? } Nobody except Lisa, Zadoc, and a few cavemen see the Oracle, but that } is no sign that there is no Oracle. The most real things in this } world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever } see a woodchuck chuck wood? Of course not, but that's no proof that } they can't. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders waiting } in the queue. } } No Oracle? Thank Apollo he lives and lives forever. A thousand } years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now he will } continue to enlighten the pointless questions of mankind. } } Merry August 12th and a happy Best of #1301-1325! } } (P.S. Your mommy hasn't bought you a pony because she doesn't have } the time to wade through all those tags and figure out what it is } you're asking for. Once you get an email client that doesn't default } to sending in text and HTML, she'll figure it out and buy you one.) } } You owe the Oracle some Christmas cheer. --- 1331-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who knows why the sun shines, the clouds roll, the seas > rumble, and the stars twinkle... > > Got milk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, I've got some here in the.... } ...oh, the refrigerator is unplugged. } Smells bad too. } } ....no, I have no milk. I have } some rather foul smelling cheese } in a milk container. } } You owe the Oracle a Zadoc-spanker. --- 1331-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, you hold the balances of all things, > > Which is greater: the number of people on the Earth, or the number of > acronyms invented by them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, supplicant, I hold the balances of all things, and FYI, you're way } OD. } } The number of people on Earth (NPE) is around 6.1 billion. Now, given } there are 26 letters in the alphabet (LIA), there are about 8.4 billion } possible combinations (PC) of up to seven letters, which should suffice } for most acronyms. It'a easy to verify that most of these acronyms have } not been used, so the number of acronyms created (NAC) is far exceeded } by the NPE. QED. HTH. } } YOTO a BMW. TTFN. --- 1331-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > > if the third time has ever been the charm, > > what is a "power user?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If they're in New York right now, screwed. --- 1331-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All hail the Oracle, the Oracle has vocal modulation of a > rock star, the expressive power of a movie star, and more > power than a neutron star, > > Who can repair the humpback whale? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I heard the ding of the receptionist's bell and prepared for Mr. } Back's visit. I had been anticipating his visit for many months. } He was infamous in chiropractic circles for his convoluted spine that } simply would not go straight. } At last he had come to me, Dr. T. Oracle, the world's greatest } chiropractor, for help. No one else had made his condition better, and } some had made it worse. I was his last hope. I would not let him down. } The grotesque figure of the Humpback of Notre Dame appeared in the } doorway. Helping him to lie down on the table, I began my standard } questioning. "This condition was, I believe, caused by the football } accident some years back?" I queried, really only to keep his mind } off the moment, since I already knew. He grunted an affirmative. } "They had to amputate a fin, I think?" } "Right. Prosthetic's not terrible, but it's just not the same," he } sighed. } } I continued with the small talk whilst I prodded, poked, and squeezed } his vertebrae. Eventually, I deemed him ready for the final operation. } Placing two fingers on either end of his spine, I muttered, "rm } /dev/spine; emerge spine". } } An involuntary shudder ran through his body. "All right," I said, } smiling, "brand spanking new spine all ready to go." He sat up, amazed. } "How could you repair me so quickly? The others just made it worse." } I grimaced. "The others were running Windows ME." } "Thank you so much. How can I ever repay you?" } At last. The moment I'd been waiting for. } } "You owe the Oracle the head of Bill Gates." --- 1331-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Let S = supplicant and O = Oracle > If [(Let G = grovel) is a subelement of S] then make S->G->O. > If [(Let Z = zot) is a subelement of O] then make O->Z->S. > Elsewise, > Make (Let Q = question) be a subelement of S and S->Q->O. > If [Z is now a subelement of O] then make O->Z->S. > Elsewise, > Let Q-prime = "What do we know about Q from this logic?" > Make S->Q-prime->O > While [(Let M = mail) is not a subelement of S] wait. > If [M has description funny] make S->(Let D = debt)->O And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If [(Let W = woodchuck) is a subelement of Q] then make O->Z->S } Elsewise, } Make (Let A = answer) be a subelement of O and O->A->S } Let A-prime = "Q did not mention W and did not result in a Z." } Make O->A-prime->S } Make Q-prime and A-prime be subelements of M. } Make M be a subelement of S. } Make (Let D = one million dollars) be a subelement of S and S->D->O. --- 1331-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wonderful Oracle, Why does my PC hate me so much? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your PC hates you for many reasons, let me just give you the most } severe ones: } } a) Remember last winter? When they broke into that engineering } company off Mill Road and he had to guard the building due to the } broken door? For *eight* hours? In freezing temperatures while the } sleet was beating down? Because you forgot to call the joiners for } an emergency repair of the door? } } b) Your comment "Some people just don't have any sense of duty." } when he called in sick with flu the day after that was also not } well received. } } c) When he tore his jacket while rescuing the little girl that had } fallen into the canal, it was perhabs not a very bright idea to deduct } the cost of the jacket from his wages. } } d) When on his birthday last year he invited all of you to a drink at } his local pub, it was a bad idea for you to argue with the landlord } about hygienic standards; it was even worse of you to alert the food } and safty inspectors the next day. } } e) When his longstanding girlfriend left him, you should not have } said "So what? With a face like hers, the next one can only be an } improvement." } } f) And when someone's cat is run over, you don't do any "catsup" jokes. } } Please remember that Police Constables are human beings just like you. } Even if you outrank them. } } You owe the Oracle a promotion for your unfortunate subordinate.