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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1328
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=== 1328 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1328
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 24 Jul 2003 15:08:23 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
    1328
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1323  68 votes 1huf5 28jv8 4mv74 4jjh9 18rlb 0chsb 49jhj 6efkd 18fpj 3bkp9
1323  3.4 mean  3.1   3.5   2.8   3.1   3.5   3.6   3.6   3.3   3.8   3.4

--- 1328-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle so wonderfully wise and froody,
> where did Betty Botter buy her better butter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The better butter Betty Botter bought to replace the bitter butter in
} her batter was bought from a potter in Calcutta, along with a pound
} of feta. The latter made her fatter. Then she met a hatter with an
} otter. Their chatter turned her into a nutter. Everything ended up in
} tatters, and she wound up in the gutter. No matter.
}
} You owe... actually the Oracle owes you an apology.

--- 1328-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, whose feet I can't hope to lick, answer me this,
> please: If one writes haikus concatenating the lines, are they called
> haikus?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The essence of the haiku is not the number of
} syllables nor their arrangement, although those
} are in fact necessary.  It is rather the esoteric
} Zen-like aspect in which a contradiction appears,
} or vanishes.
}
} Haiku Zen-like verse
} Without the Buddha Nature
} But still right.  What Zen?

--- 1328-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I would like to learn to play the taboule or the
> falafel. Where can I get lessons?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try Basil Scallion, a musician of some renown in certain vegetarian
} circles. He's written scores for such cinematic classics as Banana
} Karenina, Bread Man Walking, The Collard Purple, Creature from the
} Black Legume, Diet Hard and Diet Hard with a Veggie, Lawrence of
} Arugula, When Harry Met Salad, and The Ten Condiments.

--- 1328-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What is "the sound of one hand clapping?"
} I'll take Blank Prompts for 800, Alex.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question.

--- 1328-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, more knowledgeable in the rules of cards even than
> Hoyle, who knows more of board games than Milton Bradly, tell me:
>
> My friends and I could not decide between poker, bridge, spades,
> hearts, and the board game Settlers of Catan.  We would like to
> play the combination of all of these games (which we have dubbed
> Settlesbroker), but we are unsure of the rules.
>
> What are the rules of Settlesbroker?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This passage, taken from The Mbongo Settlesbroker Rulebook and Chow
} Mein Recipe List, 4th edition, should be of use to you. Enjoy.
}
} ----------
}
} S  E  T  T  L  E  S  B  R  O  K  E  R
}
} First, divide the players into two teams: the green team and the
} red team.  Each team should have a captain and at least one other
} team member.
}
} Play starts when a slice of buttered toast is dropped from the
} fourth floor window of the nearest residential skyscraper by the
} captain of either team.  Which captain does this is to be decided
} by dropping a similar piece of toast from a third floor window - if
} it lands buttered side up, the red team captain should ascend to the
} fourth floor. If not, the green team captain should instead ascend.
} The toast is then dropped a second time - if it lands buttered side
} up, the game is immediately called off and all players must emigrate
} to Roeun, France, to open a gourmet catering business.
}
} The red team begins by crying repeatedly "I'm a monkey! I'm a tree!",
} spinning on the spot three times between each cry. They must continue
} this until the green team must do thirty press-ups, or dive into the
} nearest pool of mud, whichever occurs first.
}
} The second stage of the game cannot begin until all players are
} wearing chicken costumes. The captains of each team must each delegate
} one member of the opposing team, the two of which must stand in the
} middle of a densely-populated area, calling for random Pokemon in loud,
} worried voices. Their teams score ten points for each different specie
} of Pokemon they can name before their opponent within a ten-minute
} period, but immediately forfeit all accumulated points should they
} become residents of the local asylum.
}
} In the third and final stage of the game, all players must eat as
} much mayonnaise as they can, scoring fifteen points for their team
} for each containerful they successfully empty. Six bonus points are
} available to each team member who changes their name to Fred.
}
} Note that after each game, it is traditional that all players on the
} winning team jump into the nearest river in celebration. But which
} team is indeed the winning team? This is open to speculation.
}
} ----------
}
} I hope this was useful, and brings you many happy hours of
} Settlesbroking fun.
}
} You owe the Oracle a video of yourself and your friends playing
} this game.

--- 1328-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Your grace, you are the most munificent, exemplary paragon
> of righteous excellence our universe has ever once beheld,
> and it is an honor merely to address you, your greatness.
>
> As one who has seen them all, can you suggest some of the
> more successful ways such pathetic mortals as ourselves
> might go about toadying ourselves to our betters?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Zadoc! This one's for you. Get on to it!"
}
} "At once, Oh Fountainhead of Wisdom, Whose Every Magnificent Word is as
} a Blast on Gabriel's Horn!"
}
} Hello, I'm Zadoc. Worried you're not showing sufficent deference to the
} Most Imposing Oracle?
}
} Want to know how to attribute to the Luminiferous One the appropriate
} extravagant praise?
}
} Like to learn the proper way to abase yourself before the Almighty
} Purveyor of Knowledge, whose vast superiority is forever beyond the
} comprehension of your tiny, pathetic mind?
}
} Well, I can help!
}
} That's right! From Oracle Publishing comes Zadoc's Art of Grovelling!
} In this 436-page tome, learn all the secrets of proper grovelling!
} You'll learn all the words and phrases to praise the most brilliant
} Oracle! Learn how to string phrases together to form lengthy, elaborate
} anthems to He Whose Very Presence Brings Ecstatic Joy To All Around
} Him!
}
} But that's not all! You'll also get instruction on how to abase
} yourself! Know all the techniques for bowing and scraping before the
} Scintillating Oracle! You'll maximize your movement speed while
} kneeling! And another list of useful phrases to describe your own
} contemptible self!
}
} Yes, I guarantee that within 14 days, you'll be prostrating yourself
} better than ever! If you're not a better sycophant within 14 days,
} you'll get your money back!
}
} Zadoc's Art of Grovelling is available now! Just $29.95 from Oracle
} Publishing! And it come's with Zadoc's personal 14-day guarantee! But
} wait! Call within the next 30 minutes, and you'll get this "Kick the
} Worm" T-shirt ABSOLUTELY FREE! Operators are standing by on
} 1-800-2GROVEL! That's 1-800-2GROVEL! Call now!
}
} You owe Zadoc $29.95.
}
} "Zadoc, what cut did you say I was getting again?"
}
} "Sixty-five percent, oh most Venerable Master!"
}
} "Don't make me use this..."
}
} "Eighty-five! I said eighty-five! I mean ninety!"
}
} "Better. I... you're supposed to click 'send', Zadoc."
}
} "I shall do so at once, oh Adroit One, so that the supplicant may learn
} how to abase his most lowly and worthless self before your infinite
} glory!"
}
} "Shut up, Zadoc."

--- 1328-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle most literate, how would the Harry Potter
> stories be different if they were written by A.A. Milne?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The wonderful thing about Crookshanks,
} Is that Crookshanks are wonderful things.

--- 1328-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> --part1_159.21bf1eb0.2c4a3d49_boundary
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="US-ASCII"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
>
> HOW TO GIVE IDEALS  FOR  A  MOVIE TO A DIRECTOR?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} COMING SOON TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU:
}
} "They thought it was over..."
}
} <Cut to picture of post-nuclear landscape, John Connor and Kate
} Brewster looking out over a devastated landscape>
}
} "...they thought the machines had finally been defeated..."
}
} <Cut to picture of deactivated and dismantled Terminators piled in a
} heap, being fed by sweaty humans into a blast furnace>
}
} "...but they were wrong.  And it's worse than ever!"
}
} <Cut to horrified figure dressed in post-apocolyptic sackcloth staring
} in terror at a computer screen. Scrolling up on it we see...>
}
} > --part1_159.21bf1eb0.2c4a3d49_boundary
} > Content-Type: text/plain; charset="US-ASCII"
} > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
}
} <Cue ominious music. Figure holds a gun on John Connor and states...>
}
} "Listen to me, Connor!  All we have to do is send in $19.95 and we can
} make our penises up to 3 inches longer!"
}
} <Cut to shot of Brewster spraying fire over a computer room>
}
} "There's NO WAY we can make millions by giving a Nigerian access to our
} bank accounts!"
}
} <Cut to shot of Connor in tight-jawed hero mode.>
}
} "Kate, I love you - but perhaps we out to consider this generic
} Viagra..."
}
} COMING THIS SUMMER - TERMINATOR 4 - THE SPAM WARS

--- 1328-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Oracle most infinite and everlasting,
>
> Is Lisa immortal like you, or will you some day have to go on without
> her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As Lisa remains just as beautiful as she was the day I first laid
} her eyes on her, I cannot imagine a world in which she and I might
} ever be parted.  Therefore, she must certainly be immortal, yea,
} a goddess in her undying radiance!
}
} You owe the Oracle a way of keeping Lisa from looking over His shoulder
} whilst He is typing.

--- 1328-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>
> Which books should I buy my bear to help it while away
> next winter in style?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bears like detective and horror novels, especially if they
} have a lot or murders in them. The grizzlier the better.