From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sun May 25 16:29:54 2003 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6p2/8.11.6/IUCS_2.49) id h4PKxZv27805; Sun, 25 May 2003 15:59:35 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 25 May 2003 15:59:35 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200305252059.h4PKxZv27805@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1322 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1322 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1322 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 25 May 2003 15:59:22 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1322 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1317 56 votes 16gfi 29li6 49dci 256jo 2aggc 05jq6 7dif3 9cec9 4efg7 17jib 1317 3.4 mean 3.8 3.3 3.6 4.0 3.5 3.6 2.9 3.0 3.1 3.6 --- 1322-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the definition of a "concept index" and a "keyword index" in > terms of library science and knowledge science? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You'd use a "concept index" to look up something like "trying } to get someone else to do your homework". While you'd look in } a "keyword index" to find words related to your search like, } "homework", or "lazy". } } You owe the Oracle a crutch. --- 1322-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle who has always been there for me to give me a helping of > apathy, please tell me what the "E" stands for in video tape lengths > (for instance, a three-hour tape is called an "E-180" tape). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I know how much everyone hates Algebra, } so I'll try to keep this simple: } } "E-180" is actually a formula E-180, where: } } E=SP-LP/EP } } where: } } SP (Space Positioning) = the amount of time } spent looking for a blank space on a tape to } record a program } } and } } LP (Length Proximity) = the amount of time left } before the start of said program } } and } } EP (Estimated Probability) = the probability that } the user possesses the knowledge to program his } clock to stop blinking 12:00 } } or to put it in working terms: } } E=25-7/0.1=180 } } So, in your case, the answer to the equation is: } } 180-180 } } 0 } } Which means you've run out of time. } And I've run out of things to say. } } You owe the Oracle an answer to this question: } Why can't I control the universe with my } Universal Remote Control? --- 1322-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is Microsoft's hidden motive behind the iLoo? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No one would be able to say they don't no shit again. --- 1322-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: lawrence.4@pop.service.ohio-state.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, I'm an astronomy researcher on the Planet Search Team at San > Francisco State University. We detect extrasolar planets by studying > gravitational "wobbles" in nearby stars; if the planet is large enough > to be detected, we can deduce its size and orbit by observing the > planet's gravitational pull on the star. > > Last month we were studying HD 73256, a small star in the > constellation Canis Major with a periodic red shift and blue shift > in its spectral lines. At first the star's "wobble" looked like the > expected pattern, caused by a nearby Jupiter-sized planet -- but as > we studied the observations over time we discovered the blue shift > was disproportionately larger than the red shift. In layman's terms, > it appears the star is being pulled *toward* us, rather than simply > being pulled around in a circle by an orbiting planet. > > Further calculations suggest that the pull is accelerating -- and > that, if it continues on the curve we've projected, the star will > enter and destroy our solar system in about 41 years, seven months. > > All of this leads up to my question, which by now of course should > be obvious. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, your wife is cheating on you. --- 1322-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and wondrous Oracle, > > I didn't have a question. I just wanted to thank you for keeping > me occupied, because work became more fun when I realized > that asking you questions looked a great deal like communicating > synergistically with co-workers. > > Thanks again! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } GOLDBRICK ALERT!!! GOLDBRICK ALERT!!! GOLDBRICK ALERT!!! } } The employee reading this e-mail screen is not working. He is sending } anonymous letters to a mythical Oracle who may or may not exist, perhaps } somewhere in Indiana. Or maybe elsewhere. Repeat, HE IS NOT WORKING! } } GOLDBRICK ALERT!!! GOLDBRICK ALERT!!! GOLDBRICK ALERT!!! --- 1322-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O' Oracle! I am not worthy to blow my nose in the same dimension > that your beta particle emissions eke forth unto the eyeballs of > the priests. Pray enlighten me, upon which I may ascend into the > heavens and foul thine atmosphere no longer with my greasy presence! > > Oh...uh, actually, I didn't really have a question. I just like > grovelling. Have a nice day! > > -Supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are perfectly suited to be the Prime Minister of an } english-speaking country, } either in the northern or southern hemisphere. } } You owe The Oracle a leader with more moral fibre than a slug. } } -- } From the desk of } The Internet Oracle } Oracular services to the gentry since 4004 BC --- 1322-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, Magister Mundi es! > > Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax > si marmota monax materiam possit materiari? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Requiescat In Pace **ZOTUM** } } Quid quid latine dictum sit, altum videtur. Si hoc legere scis nimium } eruditionis habes. --- 1322-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise and wonderful, whose brain is larger than all the > brains in the universe, including itself, please tell me... > > If there were two of me, which one would win? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you didn't specify what you'd win *at*, so I'll } just have to test this the old-fashioned way... } } Scissors! Rock! } Damn! Best of five? } Whatever. I'll still win. } } Scissors! Paper! } Dammit! } Ha! } } Paper! Rock! } Gotcha! } Yeah, I'll show you... } } Paper! Paper! } Scissors! Scissors! } Stop that! } What? You're doing it. } Scissors! Rock! } Two-all! } You're going down! } } Scissors! Paper! } Ha, ha! I won! } You little cheat! } What?! } I saw you! You cheated! } I never! } You waited till you saw mine! } I did not! } Did too! } Did not! } Did too! } Come here and say that! } Gladly! } *biff* } *pow* } *thump* } *ouch* } *tchac* } *clonk* } } This *ow* could take some *ow* time, supplicant. Could } you *stop that* come back *hey!* later? --- 1322-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > it's been over 6 weeks now since the fall of baghdad, > and still no sign of the 'weapons of mass destruction'. > > Isn't it time dubya admitted the french were right? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because the French are not permitted ideological superiority. --- 1322-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise and brilliant, > > What would happen is Jerry Springer was discovered to be made entirely > of matchsticks and superglue? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } SPRINGER KILLED IN FILMING INCIDENT, ORACLE CHARGED } } Controversial talk-show host Jerry Springer was killed } today in a bizarre incident while filming The Jerry } Springer Show. Reports indicate that Springer was in } fact composed of matchsticks and superglue. } } Springer was shooting an episode entitled, "I Ask } Stupid Questions Of The Oracle!". Several Oracle } supplicants appeared on the show, as well as The } Internet Oracle himself, with several of his in-jokes. } } "It all started with that idiot supplicant," said } Zadoc Worm, high priest to the Oracle. "He kept } chanting that [obscenity deleted] question, and } finally the Master, Bane of All Small Furry Things, } picked up a chair and threw it at the supplicant. Then } he picked up that Springer guy, and he threw him at } the supplicant too. And then Springer broke into a } million pieces - it was kinda cool." } } "Yeah, that guy just flipped," said Chuck Wood, the } guest at whom Springer was thrown. "All I did was ask } him a question. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck } if a woodchuck could chuck wood? How much wood would a } woodchuck chuck if...[continues for several minutes]" } } "", commented Null, another guest on the show. "". } } Oracle was arrested by police and charged with wilful } damage. } } "We can't really charge him with murder or anything, } 'cause Jerry wasn't really a person," said Inspector } Gregory. "The show's waiver covers chair-throwing, but } destroying the host definitely isn't allowed. But this } is the worst charge we could come up with." } } "Sup-plic-ant ask wood-chuck ques-tion," said Og } Ogson, Oracular aide. "Or-a-kul get an-gry. Or-a-kul } throw Sprin-ger. Sprin-ger break. Much wood." } } "Springer had it coming to him," insisted Lisa, the } Oracle's long-time companion and the main reason for } the "Oracle" episode of Springer's show. "If he had } let Orrie bring his Staff on-stage, he could have just } ZOTted the idiot, and no-one else would have got hurt. } Well, not much." } } The Oracle is being held on bail, which has been set } at eight chairs, six tubes of superglue, and twelve } hundred boxes of matches.