From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon May 19 09:09:35 2003 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6p2/8.11.6/IUCS_2.49) id h4JDkQC03597; Mon, 19 May 2003 08:46:26 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 19 May 2003 08:46:26 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200305191346.h4JDkQC03597@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1321 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1321 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1321 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 19 May 2003 08:46:12 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1321 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1316 60 votes 15mkc 29ll7 46gjf 6fbgc dgn71 17om6 1dij9 5agm7 13qo6 55kjb 1316 3.3 mean 3.6 3.4 3.6 3.2 2.5 3.4 3.4 3.3 3.5 3.4 --- 1321-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most delicious, > Whatever happened to those wacky chicks from Delphic Research? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Cassie was originally left in charge of them - having bought them in } the first place - so it was no surprise when they escaped on the second } day. Pythia mistook them for Eastern Attack Fowl chicks - "Some of the } most vicious on the planet. We coulda been killed!" "But they weren't } dangerous!" - and shot them on sight. The chicks are all dead, as a } result. Sibyl thinks it would have been better off for everyone if } Cassie had simply gotten eggs instead, like she had asked for. } } You owe the Oracle an Eastern Attack Fowl. --- 1321-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Will there ever be a rhinoceros astronaut?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's unlikely after that debacle involving the bovine moon-shot. Sure, } the cow got *over* the moon, but it died on reentry, and it turned out } that the HR director for the project, Catbert, was embezzling from } funds that should have gone towards the heatshield. "The cat and the } fiddle" indeed. } } Then again, I never would have thought a chimpanzee would be made } President either, so you never know. --- 1321-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, whose powers of telepathy are so great that they > can read my epic grovel from my brainwave patterns, thus sparing me > the need of typing it here, please *ZOT!* me not, but tell me: > > Why can't I ever get my ADOM characters higher than about level 10? > Just when I think I'm starting to finally kick some booty, along > comes a Chaos Lord or something and I'm toast. It's not fair, I > tell ya. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's because you keep playing ADOM roles, but you have a Asub } personality. Let the Lord have the whip, and quit struggling against } the chains, and you'll both have a lot more fun. } } You owe the Oracle some good leather. You owe Thomas Biskup a few } bucks, too. --- 1321-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent Oracle, pray tell me... > > Will man and machine ever live together in perfect harmony? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [ Stevie Wonder, dressed in a tuxedo, is sitting at a piano made } of burnished steel. Near the piano is a life sized, shiny metal } robot fashioned to look sort of like Paul McCartney. "Paul" is } wearing jeans, and a tee-shirt bearing the words, "See, I'm not } dead". Mr. Wonder starts to play, and the two begin to sing. ] } } Human-y And Iron-y } Can They Live Together In Perfect Harmony? } Side By Side Like This Here Big Phony and Me? } [ Both stare at each other. ] } Oh Motherboard of CPU Destiny. } } [ "Paul" shrugs and mutters, "It rhymed mate." ] } } We All Know } That People and Machines are everywhere you go. } But making machines takes a tool } And making humans also requires alcohol or 'snow' } Which birth is more noble, I don't know, } But in the end, craftsmanship shows. . . } } Human-y And Iron-y } Can They Live To-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to- } [ Stevie stands up and after a few missed swings finds "Paul" } and smacks it upside the head. ] } to-together In Perfect Harmony? } } [ Curtain falls. A delay. The curtain starts to rise, but } reveals Stevie and "Paul" menacing each other with screw- } drivers. Curtain drops rapidly. Canned music is played } as the curtain quakes from some tussling behind it. ] --- 1321-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All praise is due to The Oracle who is so superior to human nature > as to refuse dominion over our world of mere gold and power. The > Oracle respects justice more than his position compels him to do, > for this let us sing praise. The Oracle is all wise! > > Are there any ball games that don't involve scoring or getting > the ball into a hole? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually -ow- yes -ow. } } Hey, knock that off! I'm not -ow- playing! } } I'm already out, see? Ow. } } Er, as I was -ow- saying, supplicant, there certainly -ow- is. } Dodgeball. Ow. } } You owe the Oracle -ow- a ball with less -ow- ridges on it. Ow. --- 1321-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why am I such a mess? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } #1 What is your age? } } A) under two years of age } B) between two and 13 years of age } C) I am a teenager } D) Twenty or older } } If you answered "A", the reason you are a mess is that } you are a baby. Wait, someone will be by to clean you } up presently. If you answered "B" or "C" you only think } you are a mess, wait until you have a mortgage and a baby, } then you'll know what a mess is. If you answered "D" go } on to #2. } } #2 Have you been drinking? } } A) Yes. } B) I can't remember. } C) No. } } If you answered "A" or "B", the reason you are a mess is } that you are drunk or hungover. Move away from any vomit } in the area, drink lots of water, and eat something bland. } If you plan to drink again stop here, you'll just forget } all this in a day or two anyway so why go on? If you did } not answer "A" or "B" go on to #3. } } #3 Have you been reading of the following: Dan Clowes, } Genet, Beckett, Marx, or any PETA/Earthfirst! literature? } } A) Yes } B) No } } If you answered "A", the reason you are a mess is that } you are depressed. Horrifying as it sounds you must go } some place with a lot of -happy- people and talk to them. } Do this until you fall in love with someone. Then you're } ready to go to #4. If you did not answer "A" go on to #4 } anyway. } } #4 Have you recently been in love? } } A) Yes } B) No } } If you answered "A", the reason you are a mess is that } you have a broken heart. You can negate this by drinking } lots of alcohol. If you did not answer "A" then the reason } you are a mess is because are anti-social. Try reading some } depressing works of fiction so you don't feel alone in your } state of alienation, try the works of Dan Clowes, Genet, } Beckett, Marx, or any PETA/Earthfirst! literature. } } You owe the Oracle a black velvet painting of a drunken } existential cupid. --- 1321-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most cultivated and distinguished, > > What lies at the end of the memory hole? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I used to know this one, but I forget. Let's see if we can't figure it } out for ourselves: } } Modern physics tells us that black holes are probably wormholes which } lead to an alternate dimension. Using today's sophisticated 3-D } modelling technology, we can approximate a hi-res picture of a } wormhole: } } | Bad | } |\ Scary /| } | \ Place / | } | \ / | } Dimension | `-.___________.-' | Dimension } A | | B } | ___________ | } | | } } Applying this theory to the memory hole, we can posit that at the end } of the memory hole lies another dimension. But exactly what kind of new } dimension lies at the end of the wormhole? We asked the 2003 recipients } of the Nobel Prize in physics: } } Dr. Raymond Davis Jr.: Oh! Oh! I know this one... I think it looks kind } of like a donut and has a taste roughly analagous to cheesecake. Wait, } wait... Sorry, that's the "sideways" quark. I can't remember what lies } at the end of the memory hole. } } Dr. Masatoshi Koshiba: At the end of the what? } } Dr. Riccardo Giacconi: I forget. Why don't you ask Davis? } } Thus conclusively proving my theory there can't be anything very } memorable at the end of the memory hole, because nobody can remember } what it is. } } You owe the Oracle all of the missing socks from an eternity of } laundry. --- 1321-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Imposingly wise Oracle, > > What was I before I lived in France? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Better off. --- 1321-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello! Anybody home? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Supplicant shines his flashlight around the Oracle's Lair. It is } scary and quiet with a slight musty smell. The Supplicant seem to have } found the Oracle's storage room where he keeps all the stuff people } send him for answering their question. } } "Wow! There sure is some weird stuff in here" says the Supplicant. } He comes across a brass plumb bob, a pair of golden hooters, an IOU for } someone's first-born child, a bottle of Instant H2O (you just add } water), and hundreds of items that defy description. } } Suddenly the Supplicant is startled to hear heavy footsteps coming } closer and closer. With shaking hands he fumbles to turn off the } flashlight and crouches behind one of the piles of stuff. Then a door } opens and the Oracle tosses a package of some sort in the room while } mumbling "Worthless crap from ungrateful underlings that don't } appreciate the wonderful things I do for them." Then the door slams } shut and the Oracle storms away. } } "Wow that was close!" the supplicant says to him self while wiping } the sweat off his brow. Hands still fumbling, he turns on the } flashlight again, but vows to keep his ears alert. Then his flashlight } comes across a 3-inch ball made from belly-button lint. "Oh!... I } remember this!" he says to him self. "A long time ago I gave the } Oracle this thing for answering that question about what happened one } second before the Big Bang, and what happened one second before that" } he thinks to himself. The Supplicant slips the Lint Ball in to his } pocket. "Never know when I may need that," he says to himself. } } Suddenly the Supplicant feels someone breathing behind him. His } hair stands up on end as he instinctively does an adrenaline dump. } Slowly turning around, his worst fears are realized. There, right } behind him is the Oracle staring straight at him with eyes of anger. } "Thought I didn't know you were here?" says the Oracle. "Thought you } could put one over on me?" says the Oracle. } } "Nnnnnnn... No." says the Supplicant with a tiny little trembling } voice. } } "WHAT, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" bellows the Oracle. } } "Ugh... No... Sir... your Honor... please... no." stutters the } Supplicant. } } "You owe me something?" says the Oracle. } } "No... I don't think so," says the Supplicant. Then, momentarily after } the words leave his mouth, he remembers that he slipped the Lint Ball } in to his pocket. He feels a HUGE lump in his throat. "At least he } doesn't know about that ball!" the Supplicant thinks to himself. } } "Tell ya' what" says the Oracle. "I need someone to clean up around } here," says the Oracle. "Organize this room, categorize everything, } blow the dust off the old stuff, and fix anything that doesn't work... } and I let you go" offers the Oracle. } } "Th th th th thank you... sir." says the Supplicant in weak little } voice. } } "Well... GET STARTED!" snaps the Oracle. "And you can start with that } Lint Ball you put in you pocket!" the Oracle says in a booming voice. } The Oracle starts to leave, and then he stops, turns towards the } Supplicant and says, "You were wondering if anyone was here. Well, } someone IS here. YOU, for a long, long, long time!" --- 1321-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Should we destroy our most powerful weapon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Democracy was once our most powerful weapon against dictatorship. } } I think you already have. } } You owe the Oracle another form of government.