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Date: Tue, 22 Apr 2003 09:48:56 -0500 (EST)
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu>
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1318
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=== 1318 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1318
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 22 Apr 2003 09:48:42 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
    1318
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1313  58 votes 7cjd7 08rh6 1gem5 5ffcb 6cnc5 8qe82 12hpd 4aqe4 35hna 11inf
1313  3.3 mean  3.0   3.4   3.2   3.2   3.0   2.5   3.8   3.1   3.6   3.9

--- 1318-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh wise and glorious Oracle, please answer my prayers!
>
> Suppose for a second that a woodchuck COULD chuck wood.
> Suppose that that same woodchuck WOULD chuck wood.
> Now tell me, oh glorious oracle...
> SHOULD that woodchuck chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To:    Internet Oracle Supplicant #88347
} From:  Adams, Harkness & Rowe Attorneys
} Re:    Notice of Intent to Sue for Damages
}
} Dear Mr/Ms Supplicant:
}
} Our client, Mr Charles Wood, has retained
} our services to bring against you a lawsuit
} alleging that you have repeatedly and
} willfully impugned his character and made
} a public mockery of his name. In this suit
} he will allege that on or about 7:27 PM
} of April 14, 2003, you repeated his name
} three times in a single supplication, while
} linking it to a rodent generally considered
} to be a noxious pest, and that this act has
} brought financial and mental damage to Mr
} Wood.
}
} We hope that you will understand Mr Wood's
} grievance and that you will wish to avoid
} this lawsuit by paying Mr Wood three hundred
} fifty thousand dollars in damages. If we have
} not heard from you in one week's time, we
} will enter a plea for damages in the appropriate
} jurisdiction.
}
} Sincerely,
} Gloria Adams, LLD

--- 1318-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Q W E R T Y U I O P
>  A S D F G H J K L
>   Z X C V B N M

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, THAT keyboard. Now hit the letters to spell out a question.

--- 1318-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Should I hide in my bunker this Easter again this year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I remember the last time you tried that.  You were staying at Joe's,
} and your Dad went looking for you.  You could try a heavier stone this
} time, but you know your Dad and the "stone so heavy he couldn't" bit.
}
} I know he can get cranky around the holidays, but do your father a
} favour and don't try the "I'm dead" excuse again.  He's a nice guy,
} just dedicated to his work.
}
} You owe the Oracle the parable about two rabbis walking into a bar.

--- 1318-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Great Oracle, I am but a humble son of the soil, a bit of waving
> wheat, while you are the combine, grain elevator, flour mill, bank,
> and bakery.  I come to you for a bit of help.
>
> I need to curse something.  OK, I need to put a curse on the North
> Carolina Basketball program.  Nothing fancy, expect that it should
> make the "Curse of the Bambino" look as though it were applied by an
> amateur magician at a five-year-old's birthday party.
>
> Can you tell me who I ask to do this?  Price isn't an option, as
> long as it doesn't involve the immortal soul thing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, the Oracle understands why
} you wish to curse the Tarheels, and can
} show you just what to do and how to do
} it. When you're done with this curse,
} their three-pointers will get only air,
} they will be stone cold from the line,
} and will never, ever get the charge call.
}
} But I warn you that you must be resolute
} and strong, for we will have to invoke
} the dreaded blue devils, and the archfiend
} of the unpronounceable name: Krzyzewski
} himself. So if you are still determined
} to cast this curse, repeat after me:
}
}   "Foulest fiends, you devils in short
}   pants and blue dresses, leave your crazed
}   minions and attend upon me here. And you,
}   their dread leader, I call upon you to
}   sieze your dread clipboard and to appear
}   before me."
}
} Has the smoke cleared? Good. Now the
} entire squad of demon hoopsters is standing
} in front of you. You can't back out now,
} so say the following curse:
}
}  "I curse the Tarheels: I curse their foul
}   shots and their layups. I curse their
}   three pointers and their dunks. I curse
}   their mascot and cheerleaders. May the air
}   be filled with the clangs of their missed
}   shots and the wailing of their fans. May
}   their starters acquire four fouls in the
}   first period. I command the Striped Ones
}   to turn a blind eye to the hacks and elbows
}   of the the foes, but to call every touch
}   foul on the Heels. May they spend the rest
}   of eternity outside the brackets."
}
} There, the curse is done. All that remains
} is to send the devils back to their own
} realm, so say this incantation:
}
}   "Now return to the pit of Cameron and
}   fulfill my curse. Thus I compel you in
}   the name of the all powerful mage who
}   humbled you in the past:
}
}                 VALVANO"
}
} You owe the Oracle a plate of ram chops.

--- 1318-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I have set up a filter, but I am not sure that it still works.
> How can I test it?
>
> Thanks!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pour in coffee grounds and hot water.

--- 1318-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, from the lips of children and infants and adults and common
> barnyard animals you have earned praise! You silence the foe of folly
> and are our avenger against ignorance.
>
> Why is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln still rattling around the White
> House?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCES BUSH
} REELECTION THEME
}
} Washington (AP) - White House Press Secretary
} Ari Fleischer today announced the theme of the
} Bush 2004 reelection campaign: "A Lincoln for
} our Times." The campaign plans to capitalize on
} America's almost mystical reverence for the 19th
} century president by calling attention to what
} Fleischer called, "the uncanny resemblence between
} both men." Fleisher detailed some of the similarities
} that, he says, make Bush the spiritual successor to
} Lincoln:
}
} - Both men are tall, lanky westerners who fought
} the effete Eastern establishment with common sense
} from the prairies.
}
} - Both men are noted for their command of the
} English language and their oratorical skills.
}
} - Both Lincoln and Bush started wars against a
} weaker foe for political reasons, but later changed
} the justification of the war to "liberation of an
} oppressed people."
}
} - Both men designed a "reconstruction" plan for
} the conquered enemy that featured military
} government, long-term occupation, and governance
} by cronies.
}
} - Both presidents severely curtailed civil liberties
} and suspended the right of habeas corpus in the
} name of national defense.
}
} - Both administrations drove up the national debt
} to record levels.
}
} Said, Fleisher: "Clearly, President Bush is following
} in the footsteps of our most beloved president and
} we feel that the American people will reward this
} by reelecting him. We are already writing his second
} Inaugural Address.
}
} In unrelated news, Secret Service agents reported
} seeing a tall, bearded figure in frock coat and top
} hat roaming the halls of the White House, rattling
} chains and shrieking, but were unable to apprehend
} the intruder.

--- 1318-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> Will Bruce soon learn to use his mail reader?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mr Bruce,
}
} It has come to our attention that you have not replied to any of our
} former e-mails, even when we have made threats of the gravest nature.
} And put baking soda in your sugar jar (yes, that was us). Thus, a
} squadron of Slightly Over Forceful And Brash E-mail Divas (SOFABEDs)
} will be landing on your roof in exactly fifteen minutes. Have a nice
} day, and vote Demopublicat.
}
} Yours sincerely,
}
} Orrie the all knowing,
}
} Managing Director, Vice president, Chairman of Board and Chief
} foot-massage receiver
}
} Oracle Hired Thug Contracting Services
}
} You owe the oracle a photograph of George Bush's left eyebrow

--- 1318-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O most mighty and all-knowing oracle, all-hearing and all-speaking,
> fluent in all languages and then some, able to communicate with dogs,
> wives, intransigent AI networks and superannuated VAX servers in a
> single flash of electronic intelligence, source and destination of
> all information,
>
> How can you tell if the Man got you under surveillance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  (0)\/(0)      Ten Subtle Hints That You Might      (0)\/(0)
}    -----            Under Surveillance                ----
}
} 10. Your bills all arrive on time, but your copies of "Worker's
}     World" and "Smash the State" are always late and smell
}     of cigarettes and Freedom Fries.
}
} 09. During certain times of the day you can hear Rush Limbaugh's
}     show in the background of your overseas phone conversations.
}
} 08. The hair you placed on top of the box of RPG manuals in the
}     garage to see if it has been moved is still there, but it's
}     now curly and there's a can of Coke in the trash.
}
} 07. The Jehovah Witness people are knocking at the door more and
}     more frequently, and as often as not when you're trying to
}     apply the mud evenly on the hidden compartments on the bottom
}     of your car.
}
} 06. Your PGP key has bits of wax stuck on it.
}
} 05. The keywords to your One Time Pad keep showing up in the
}     local newspaper's crossword puzzle.
}
} 04. Your favorite dead drop suddenly has a donut shop built
}     next door to it.
}
} 03. The neighbors seem really interested in star gazing on the
}     same nights that you're releasing the carrier bats.
}
} 02. Every time you make a rolling stop at a Stop Sign, so does
}     that black van with the big guys in it behind you.
}
} 01. The people at the radio station always know which song
}     you're going to request to be played even before you
}     ask, though only you and the guys in the submarine off
}     shore are supposed to be that into "DEVO".
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise to swallow this email as soon
} as you're done reading it.

--- 1318-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> write me pls
> xxxxxxx@xxxxxxxxxxx.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear xxxxxxx@xxxxxxxxxxx.com
}
} I am Zadoc Mbutu, former High Priest of the Oracle, who died suddenly
} as a result of a woodchuck attack.  I am writing this letter to ask for
} your support and cooperation to carry out a business opportunity in my
} department.  My acolytes discovered a number of abandoned questions in
} the Oracle's queue, approximately 15,000,000 of them.
}
} Since his death, we have been expecting the Oracle's next of Kin (Lisa)
} to come over and put claims on these questions.  But unfortunately no
} one has ever appeared to claim these questions, and I and other
} officials have agreed to make business with you and release the
} questions into your mail spool.  We have agreed that the ratio of
} answers will be status thus: 20% for you to answer as a foreign
} partner, and we will answer the remaining 80% ourselves.  I'm sure you
} can see what a lucrative transaction this is for both of us.
}
} Note that this transaction must be STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL because of
} its nature.
}
} I look forward to your quick response.
}
} Zadoc Mbutu

--- 1318-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> should I leave my place to look for a better living?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well let's see how your life would change if you left to look for
} a better living:
}
} Current                            Possible Future
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
} Job: COBOL programmer: fixing      Job: Park ranger: tending
} bugs in mailing list software,     trails, monitoring wildlife,
} enabling millions more pieces of   assisting lost hikers, fighting
} junk mail to be sent.              wildfires.
}
} Diet: Fat free junkfood, diet      Diet: Fresh salads, braised leafy
} soda, TV dinners, fast food, and   and roasted root vegetables, water,
} highly processed food stuffs.      brown rice, varied beans and fruit.
}
} Physique: 450lbs (32 stone), bad   Physique: 220lbs (16 stone), mild
} B.O., greasy hair, pale pimpy      musky scent, short hair, smooth well
} skin, no muscle tone, and          tanned skin, chiselled body, and can
} difficulty walking.                jog up steep hills carrying 200lbs.
}
} Salary: $60,000 to $80,000         Salary: $30,000 to $40,000 depending
} depending on overtime available.   on relevant education.
}
} Residence: $2200-a-month one       Residence: $800-a-month log
} bedroom, with an excellent view    cabin, excellent nature vista (with
} (and loud sounds) of the elevated  animal sounds), walk to work and
} train, walk to shops.              waterfalls.
}
} Other Expenses: ~$100/mn train,    Other Expenses: ~$200/mn food,
} ~$600/mn food, ~$60/mn cable TV,   ~$200/mn utilities, ~$50/mn film,
} ~$200/mn utilities, ~$200/mn       ~$100/mn gifts for girlfriend, and
} beer, and $40/mn (more with        ~$500/mn into savings
} overtime) into savings.
}
} Love life: minimal to none.        Love life: "spring in the forest"
}                                    will include you.
}
}
} Looks like you've little to lose but fat and TV and a lot of life to
} gain.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good campsite reservation at Yosemite.