From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Apr 14 09:12:18 2003 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6p2/8.11.6/IUCS_2.49) id h3EDim907897; Mon, 14 Apr 2003 08:44:48 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 14 Apr 2003 08:44:48 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200304141344.h3EDim907897@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1317 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1317 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1317 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 14 Apr 2003 08:44:34 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1317 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1312 60 votes 19pm3 3eof4 46ima 4hfg8 7gic7 5egh8 6fge9 agfe5 6mcb9 16j8q 1312 3.2 mean 3.3 3.0 3.5 3.1 2.9 3.1 3.1 2.8 2.9 3.9 --- 1317-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most chatty and ancient, > > What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, that's a tricky one. You see, the Oracle's computer } is a massively parallel array of sentient beings. That's right, } you, and your sister, and the cockroach you stepped on } this morning, and the funny little inhabitants of Antares III } are nothing more or less than information processors. } Some of you are big, dumb memory units (that explains } your roommate) and some of you are quick, agile } computation units (one of them sits next to you in } Philosophy). You are all linked together through the } Oracle's RumorNet transport system, which can actually } move information at trans-luminal speeds. (If you doubt } this, start a juicy rumor right now and see how long it } takes to reach Lhasa, Tibet.) } } And what, you may ask, is the Oracle doing with this } array? It is trying to derive, from first principles, where } the hell that contact lens will go when it gets dropped } tomorrow morning. } } Oh, and to answer your supplication, the newest download } is Thomas Callahan, 6 pounds 8 ounces, installed at Lansing } Michigan at 8:05 this morning. He's an 8Thz computation } unit and cute as a button. } } You owe the Oracle twin processors. --- 1317-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oreacle most aluminous, please answer this for me: > > What is the worst geology pun ever? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Please don't ask questions like that. } It's not gneiss. --- 1317-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise, > > What would it feel like to not exist? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It would feel like Madonna's chastity, Bush's honesty and Hussein's } survival chances. It would look like a humble US Senator, an efficient } Microsoft product and a valid reason for invading Iraq. It would smell } like a fine smoke, the dung of a Yeti and a good cup of Russian coffee. } It would sound like a good Steven Segal movie, a country music song } worth listening to, and an informative White House press briefing. } } It would be carried by a man who understood women, in a dinosaur-hide } briefcase, along with the Constitutional rights protected by the } Patriot Act, Al Gore's charisma, and Dick Cheney's morality. } } You owe the Oracle a new world - I'm sick of the one we've got. --- 1317-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wise and astute, > > Why are some swords straight and other curved? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It all began nearly thousand years ago. Chen the Coppersmith was a } skilled gan-tsik, or "maker of swords". He also made knives and daggers } and shortswoods, but he was best known for his longsword: straight and } heavy and sharp. It was the sword used by Dag the Warrior, the best } swordsman in the city where Chen lived. Thus it was known as the } Tsik-chor, for it was the "sword of warriors". } } Like most copper longswords, though, Chen's swords tended to break } easily. The longer the sword, the more easily it would break. This } saddened Chen. He decided to close himself in his smithy, accepting no } customers, until he had found a way to make a sword that was longer } than his longsword, but just as strong and durable. } } Eventually, after weeks of little sleep, no food, and only a sip of } water each day, Chen emerged. "I have done it!" he shouted. He bore a } sword that was different from other swords. The blade of the sword was } not made from one simple piece of metal, but from many -- pounded } together under great heat, angled one atop another, to produce a long, } continuously curved blade. Where the pieces of metal were joined, } hatchmarks could be seen running up and down the blade, glinting in the } sunlight. "I shall call it the Tsik-Chen, he said -- "the sword of } Chen". } } Now that the sword was complete, he knew what had to be done. He rushed } to the Dag the Warrior. But Dag had been in many battles in his life, } always with a straight sword. "I have trust in my sword," he said. "But } I fear to lay down my life with this new and untested blade." This made } Tski-Chen very sad, for he had worked so hard to create this sword. } } But this conversation was heard by Afuol the Merchant, a wily and } clever trickster. He came later to Chen and told him that if Chen could } produce for him three dozen swords in three months, then Afuol would } buy them. Of course, Chen readily agreed, and Afuol paid him well. } } Afuol immediately began to spread the word of Chen's swords. But Afuol } did not use Chen's name at all, calling it the Tsik-Ban, the } hatchmarked blade. This way, buyers who heard his rumors would not know } that it was Chen who created the swords. He also twisted the words he } had overheard, saying that the blade with the hatchmarks was one that } even caused Dag the Warrior to fear. When they heard this, sellers from } miles around became interested in the sword that struck fear in Dag the } Warrior's heart. } } Chen was displeased to hear of how Afuol spoke, but what was he to do? } He had already made a deal with Afuol, and was honor bound to create } nearly twoscore hatchmarked blades. Still, the words ate at Chen's } heart, and he was unable to think clearly. Sword after sword was ruined } at his hand, to foolish and simple mistakes. Soon, the three months } were nearly passed, and Chen had only ten swords to show. } } But then Chen had a thought. He only promised to supply longer, curved, } hatchmarked swords -- but made no promise that they be good swords, and } strong swords. And none knew that Chen was the maker of the swords, so } what had he to lose? He took six and thirty of his normal longswords, } and began to rebeat them on the anvil. He drew them out, and bent the } blades, and even cut into them hatched markings with a knife. Each step } weakend them, but Afuol would not know, for Afuol was neither a } swordsman nor a maker of swords. } } And so Chen delivered three dozen swords, and Afuol sold them. And } those that bought them told of what poor swords they were, and few of } them ever bought another thing from Afuol again, leaving him penniless. } But when Chen offered to replace the poor swords with his own Tsi-Chen, } he was hailed as a hero, and many saw the quality of his true } workmanship. } } This story may or may not answer your question. But more importantly, } it demonstrates several very important points: } } 1) You cannot teach an old Dag new Tsiks. } 2) Afuol and his money are soon parted. } 3) Don't count your Tsi-Chen before they're hatched. } } You owe the Oracle -- well, no. Actually, the Oracle owes you a sincere } apology. --- 1317-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is the speed of light so slow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If the quantum police catch its starship speeding again, it'll be } forced to walk the Planck. --- 1317-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Oracle is the one true source of that which can not be > trifled with, > > Why am I being moved to the lower level? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You've been a good hobgoblin. Our records show that you have repelled } 34 adventurers with a total EXP of 12,334 points and reclaimed a total } of 42,111 gold from them. As any dungeon hack knows, the nastier } monsters are always located on the lower levels, so to go along with } your promotion we are providing you with a new Mean Nasty Sword and } upping your diseased rat supply by 2 per day. Hopefully you will } continue to be a valuable monster and we can eventually promote you to } a bodyguard of the Evil Wicked Dragon on level 5. --- 1317-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > > How do members of a political party differ from soccer fans? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *** PRESENTING THE ORACLE SOCK PUPPET THEATRE *** } } Starring... } } Peter Politicus, a senior member of the } Republican-Conservative-Democratic-Communist- } Nazi-PseudoReligous-Grey Party } } Charlie Cheerhard, a fan of his local team } } Orrie - The Wise and All Knowing Oracle } ------------------ } } PETER: Hello, boys and girls! } } CHARLIE: Ah, bugger off, you load of little *CENSORED* } } ORRIE: Watch your language, Charlie. Now, we're here to explain to the } little boys and girls why you two are different } } PETER: Well, as my party has always said - we're one with the people } } ORRIE: No they haven't } } PETER: Well, we've always supported the soccer fan community! } } ORRIE: No you haven't } } PETER: We're dedicated to wiping out the unpleasant aspects of the } soccer fans } } ORRIE: No you're not. Don't make me ZOT you. } } PETER: We're a load of lying, conniving thieves who just want to exploit } the public for our own gain? } } ORRIE: That's better. } } CHARLIE: And I'm so much better than that! I fight for a cause! I riot } for a reason! } } ORRIE: You mean when one man kicks a ball between two posts, you have to } go out and cause harm to your fellow man } } CHARLIE: Yeah, they don't support The Team. } } ----------------- } } So, there you have it. The stereotypical politician is evil. The } stereotypical soccer fan is just misguided. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the latest book "How not to generalise" } by A. L. L. Cases --- 1317-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Commendable Oracle, none is more deserving than you to have these > 752 negotiable US government welfare checks in varying amounts that > I stole from some mailboxes last mother's day, here they're yours... > > If might doesn't make right, what does? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mr. President, the Oracle is frankly offended } that you would try to buy it off with a few } looted checks. I mean, you're about to reward } your country club buddies with a half-trillion } dollar tax cut taken from widows, children, and } veterans; and the best you could do for the } Oracle was a few thousand in small checks? } } Fie on you, and after all I did for you in Florida. } } You owe the Oracle a regime change. --- 1317-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In the Oracular Humor System, the Oracle is represented by three > separate, yet equally important groups: The supplicants, who ask the > questions; the incarnations, who answer them; and the Priests, who > select the best oracularities. > > These are their stories. > > [DUB-DUM] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [ A sparse 1950's office, in black and white. Behind a cheap } desk sits the Oracle wearing a fedora, a suit and way too } skinny tie. Before the desk stands oracle Priest Tom Chew, } his haircut no less hideous in black and white than color. } Next to Chew stands the Supplicant. ] } } Voice Over: This is my desk at Queue Central. The Tellme } Beat. This is where the public comes when they } have questions. I answer them. I am The Oracle. } } Chew: He's got a question. } } Orrie: He does, huh? } } Supplicant: Yeah, a question. } } Chew: He wants to ask it. } } Orrie: Well, then have him ask it. } } Supplicant: OK, I'll ask it. } } //////////////// screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech!!! //////// } } [ Everything comes to a halt, Priest Kendai wanders in from } off stage. ] } } Kendai: No, no, no! This will not do people! Way too Old } Hat. Way too Old School. People want action. People } demand the Now! The Cool! And LOTS OF COLOR! Let's } get this right! Retake! } } [ Scene: Ultra High Tech Loft full of chrome and computers, } huge picture windows look out on to an impossibly } blue bay. Jets and helicopters zip by. Almost every- } one is dressed in bright designer linen suits. The } Oracle, all in orange, is draped over a love seat } yakking into a cell phone. Chew is sipping a hot } cappuccino, he's wearing a baggy LA Laker's warm } up suit, thankfully on his head is some huge non- } descript floppy rave hat. The Supplicant is nearby } rocking to the latest indie hit pouring out of unseen } speakers as he plays a bootleg copy of DOOM III on } his Wi-Fi laptop. ] } } Orrie: Smack! } } Chew: Connected! } } Supplicant: Phraseology Central. } } [ All leap out the window and twist and turn in physics } defying manners a'la "The Matrix" and land in a jet } Hummer convertible below. ] } } Orrie: Catastrophic! } } Chew: Mesmerizing! } } Supplicant: Tortured by Love! } } [ A rocket propelled grenade attack on the trio ensues, } they counter attack in slow motion using ninja stars } and fruit roll ups in a weird product placement way. } A whole lot of explosions and gratuitous violence } later we find them all slumming at a Denny's sipping } bad coffee as a saxophone player in a clown suit } serenades them at their table. ] } } Kendai: Cut! Wow! Now that's art! } ----------------- } } You owe the Oracle an Oscar. --- 1317-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > What kind of pets will be most popular after WWIII? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The top ten pets after WW3: } } 10. The cockroach. These hardy little creatures can survive just about } anything, up to and including nuclear holocaust. As a result, many } people have adopted these insects as pets, though not necessarily } voluntarily. } } 9. The Geneco Geniedog(TM). Trust no-one... except your genetically } engineered guard dog that can smell an intruder from up to a mile away! } (NOTE: Geneco is not responsible if Geniedog(TM) attacks, injures, } and/or kills your friends, family, and/or you.) } } 8. The w**dch*ck. Having started the war, the ROUS realized they needed } some sort of disguise, to protect themselves in case anyone found out, } and to make sure that nobody did. Thus, domestication. Within a few } years, however, stupidity will have been permanently bred into them by } fetching too many sticks. } } 7. The voices. Radiation does things to you, you know? } } 6. The house cat. Do you think they even noticed? } } 5. The slime mold. Do you think they even noticed? } } 4. The pet rock. Not so much nostalgia as it is availability. } } 3. The Infocorp Aipet(TM). Affordable, and very slightly more } companionable than a pet rock. (Unfortunately, due to a wipe of } Infocorp's main computers by an EMP during the war, the Aipet(TM) has } currently enough brains to simulate a very dimwitted, parrot-like } psychiatrist who doesn't know the language very well. Infocorp never } got around to fixing this because they found that people rather *liked* } dimwitted, parrot-like psychiatrists who don't know the language very } well. This may also account for the high rate of mental disorders } amoung the public.) } } 2. The computer mouse. One can always pretend... } } And the number one pet after WW3: } } 1. The human. By the time the aliens came the war had totally destroyed } the human military. } } You owe the Oracle a question other than "How much shniv would a } shnivflorp florp if a shnivflorp would shniv florp?"