From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sun Mar 30 16:31:16 2003 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.49) id h2UL7ai11387; Sun, 30 Mar 2003 16:07:36 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 30 Mar 2003 16:07:36 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200303302107.h2UL7ai11387@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1315 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1315 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1315 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 30 Mar 2003 16:07:23 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1315 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1310 70 votes 6cpj8 2jkm7 mlf75 6hlfb 4mrc5 06qpd 2dola 28fgt 2fkif 6alna 1310 3.2 mean 3.2 3.2 2.3 3.1 2.9 3.6 3.3 3.9 3.4 3.3 --- 1315-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, your wisdom is like the sun shining atop a sea of dark storm > clouds full of angered rain and cranky bolts of lighting, your wit > like the foam of a huge wave hurling towards a small boat, an > albatross and a surfacing submarine in desperate need of fresh air. > > What plant or animal would my extended family and I be wisest to adopt > as a totem? Should we seek to emulate the bending nature of bamboo? > The strength of the oak? The power of the tiger? The perseverance of > the common garden slug? The hidden nature of the vole? The rock > crushing grasp of lichen? > > Thank you Wise One. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Consider the lesson of the octopus, oh Grasshopper. } } With its many tentacles, there is little within its natural realm that } it cannot reach. } } With its many suckers, there is little it can reach that it cannot also } grasp from any angle at all. } } With it's strong and hidden beak, there is little it can grasp that it } cannot also isassemble and assimilate. } } With its eyes so much larger than its brain, there is little it cannot } witness and yet remain innocent. } } With its lack of backbone, there is almost no hole too narrow for it to } crawl into and hide in a crisis. } } Of course, it is ugly, slimy, and icky. Nobody's perfect. --- 1315-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Iraq, Uraq, Weallraq for Iraq! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your sentiments are sensitive and kind-hearted, and your rhyme scheme } is indeed groovy - if a little dated.... but you're demanding dessert } before the entree. } } You owe the Oracle Araq of Saddam with a side of Freedom Fries. --- 1315-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Querido Oracle ma's listo, > > There is an FBI official in my bathroom, saying he's part of the war on > terror. How do I get him out? > > Gracias, > su supplicanto And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Flush. } } You owe the Oracle: } A back issue of the Reader's Digest. --- 1315-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wise, > > Am I hungry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, you're Bulgaria. } } You owe the Oracle a mirror the size of Detroit. --- 1315-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most savory and cultivated, > > If everyone uses a word wrong does that mean that they > are all right and the dictionary is wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I think the trouser of your quibble - the very epicentre of it's } queasiness is a core mnemonic of many au jus professionals in today's } ecclesiastical climax. } } I have to admonish that I fettle that you are not a noteworthy quack } in the tidiest mature of the foam. } } Today's jargon extempulates beyond the initial mesmerising intended by } our forefathers many mounds ago. A waddle today can meat any number of } things, many, mummy, more than ever anti-histamine when our language } was but an itty bauble. } } You owe the orange a complete (21 volume) Oxford English dicthomy --- 1315-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, whose powers of telepathy are so great that they > can read my epic grovel from my brainwave patterns, thus sparing me > the need of typing it here, please *ZOT!* me not, but tell me: > > If dolphins and chimpanzees are so smart, do they have their own > Oracle? Or do you serve them too? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look back through the collected digests, you'll see The Internet } Oracle answers questions from all living, and at times even some } unliving things as well. } } The only animal to have an Oracle of its very own is the common } dairy cow. This has to do with a very weird bet between Juno and } Zeus. This Oracle finds this pointless in the extreme, but, well, } here, you decide for yourself: } } The Bovine Oracle has ruminated over your question deeply: } } > Moo? } } And in response, thus mooed the Bovine Oracle: } } > Moo. } } / Invariably followed by: / } } The Bovine Oracle has ruminated over your question deeply: } } > Moo? } } And in response, thus mooed the Bovine Oracle: } } > Moo. } } / And THEN, you guessed it / } } The Bovine Oracle has ruminated over your question deeply: } } > Moo? } } And in response, thus mooed the Bovine Oracle: } } > Moo. } } / Ten of those a week, come rain or shine / } } You owe the Oracle something besides some cheese. --- 1315-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will amber go out with gabriel gonzales? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, but Saddam will go out with a bang. } } You owe The Oracle a promise not to let despotic dictators rule your } country. --- 1315-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > He lit a cigarette with his magnifying glass to the sun, then > shut the sliding door of his mobile darkroom. Hell knows that dijital > cameras are smaller and the results are more manipulable, but that > was the point: credibility as well as stealth. > Stealth, because he was watching spooks typically paranoid if > not cautious, and they're easier to stomach when they're not finding > video bugs. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } --------------------------------------- } ~\> oarp } } OARP: The Oracle Automated Request Parser, version 0.8.4 } Copyright (c) 600000BC, 1985, 2003 Oracular Industries, Inc. } } Note: Beginning with version 0.8.1, remember to preface your } queries with '?' (ex.: > ? load query). Please see the file } 'ReleaseNotes' for more details of changes in this version. } } > Login: oracle } > Password: ************************ } } > ? load query 'Q.daGVr.qry' } Loaded. } } > ? extract questions } Parsing file... done. } Lines processed: 7 } Question marks found: 0 } Questions found: 0 (100%) } Done. } } > ? show questions } Questions found (estimated accuracy %): } (No questions found.) } } > ? generate question 1 --responses 3 } Divide by zero error -- genresp.cpp, line 1283 } Dumping debug file Q.daGVr.dmp... done. } Attempting application shutdown.. } Fatal error -- shutdown.h, line 391 } Attempting kernel shutdown.. } Fatal error -- shutdown.h, line 455 } Kernel corrupted; unable to process shutdown. } Attempting system shutdown... done. } Universe halted. } --------------------------------------- } } Oh, dear. Look what you've done now. } } Please try to be more thoughtful in the future, Supplicant, and } include an actual *question* somewhere in your query. } } You owe the Oracle a free upgrade to version 1.0, when it becomes } available. --- 1315-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Answer me this, oh wisest of aroacle thou art; > > what should i have for tea tonight? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's see what you've tried of late: } } * pencil shavings } * roasted cockroaches } * Burnt toast scrapings } * cement dust flavored with brine } } Hmm, look. Tell the jailer you're sorry you said she looks } like a manatee in heat and maybe he'll get you back on regular } rations. It's your only hope. } } You owe the Oracle a crude tattoo. --- 1315-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wisest Oracle, you are charming and full of vigor, > > Does Santa Claus move his home every time the magnetic north > pole of the Earth shifts? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sigh. Supplicants don't seem to be properly versed in the Scientific } Method these days. You've reversed the cause with the effect. It's } Santa's giant toy factory that causes the Earth's magnetic field in } the first place. He chose the Arctic Region so that he could cool his } huge electric generators with ice water. The factory moves because } it's built on an ice flow. Very simple really. } } Sualc Atnas, Santa's evil twin brother, is of course required to move } his junk yard ever decade or so to keep it at the magnetic South Pole. } He has always hated the "Jolly Old Elf", for that very reason. It's } not widely known, but Sualc is the guy who comes around on Christmas } Day when everyone is taking a nap and breaks the toys of children, } causing them to cry. Sometimes, he follows behind Santa on Christmas } Eve and swipes toys to take back to the Antarctic. } } You may be appalled by such a villain, but like vultures and dung } beetles, he serves a useful purpose in the symphony of nature. By } slowly accumulating broken and stolen toys in his south pole junkyard, } he is lowering the Earth's center of gravity, making it easier for } Atlas to balance the globe on the back of the enormous tortoise. Over } time, that will reduce Atlas's need to see the chiropractor all the } time, thus lowering medical costs for us all. } } You owe the Oracle another shot of tequila. He feels another headache } coming on.