From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sun Mar 23 19:18:31 2003 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.49) id h2NNqEY09800; Sun, 23 Mar 2003 18:52:14 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 23 Mar 2003 18:52:14 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200303232352.h2NNqEY09800@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1314 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1314 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1314 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 23 Mar 2003 18:52:01 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1314 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1309 62 votes 4dof6 38pj7 2hod6 6mjb4 2afel 6pk92 7eng2 59fkd 28hjg 27kmb 1309 3.2 mean 3.1 3.3 3.1 2.8 3.7 2.6 2.9 3.4 3.6 3.5 --- 1314-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ok, maybe I've been drinking too much, but I can't remember - am I the > oracle, or are you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm the Oracle. You're the President, thanks to your buddies on the } Supreme Court. And shame on you for being drunk - again. } } Now, listen, while I have you in a receptive mood, there's three things } to remember, George: } } - Firstly, no matter how stupid the public has been so far in buying } your bullshit about weapons of mass destruction, there's no way } they're going to accept that France exporting brie into the States is } a chemical attack. Not even the really old and stinky kind. } } - Secondly, it's "Iraq" not "Iran" - yet -, "Weapons of Mass } Destruction" not "Weeping a Mass Distraction", and "the Axis of } Evil", not "the Axle of Elvis". } } - Lastly, Jenna's new found taste for the Indigo Girls and kd lang is } not a passing phase, if you get my drift. You better not let the } conservative christian right find out. --- 1314-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most diplomatically divine, is Tony Blair really in Bush's hip > pocket? Because on TV, he looks slightly too large for that. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } All politicians are two dimensional, and thus, when viewed from the } correct angle are flat, thus lending themselves to easy bending, } folding, spindling, and mutilation (which, incidentally, is why they } aren't allowed to be mailed by USPS). Television crews must be very } careful with the cameras, in order not to spoil this marvelous effect } which you see on your TV screen. } } You owe the Oracle a "par avion" sticker. --- 1314-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, you are so wise and intelligent! You know the end from > the beginning, which is useful when dealing with horses and other > four-footed creatures! > > Spring will be arriving soon. We've all heard the bit about how "in > Spring a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love." But I don't > qualify as a young man any more. So what does an old man's fancy turn > to? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sleep. Beds have more than one function. --- 1314-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > I have to decide, tomorrow, what I'm going to do with the rest of > my life. I've got five choices: television repairperson, flower > arranger, sports mascot, proctologist, or programmer. > > What do you recommend? > Your supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } television repairperson } People now buy three new TV's instead of fixing the old one. } flower arranger } The last flower arranger died in 1967. } sports mascot } The Northeastern U. "Husky" is made of brass. Are you? } programmer } Vast hordes of them are now out of work. } proctologist } The supply of customers is without limit. The item in } question is indeed repairable, everyone has one, and } altogether too many people -are- one. --- 1314-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most charming and worldly, > > Where will be the chic super cool place to take my girlfriend > this Spring Break > > I want to get my reservations in ahead of time. > > Thanks! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Take her anywhere but Iraq. --- 1314-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's all this, then? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We have a broad, secret-court mandate to conduct warantless searches. } } You're not going to give us trouble, are you? } } You owe the Oracle your full and patriotic cooperation. --- 1314-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I suffer from dystypea, cuasing me occasoinally to reserve pairs > of letters in wrods I am typing on my cmoputer. Is there a crue? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ni a word? } } On. } } Dael with ti. } } If, at times, you aer typing some wrods } And the wrods you are tyipng are coming out worng } Then, whatever you od, make sure you don't try } To cleverly rhyme and maek pu a snog. } } When dytsypea's there a song can be hrad; } A peom's as bad, and at tmies can be wrose, } So whatever you do, just stay far awya } And don't even tyr to make up a vrese. } } Those alphabte letters will jump all around } And act like a germlin is loose on your kyes. } There's nothing to do, but just grin and baer it, } Cause if you're rael lucyk you'll type out some sleaez. } } Then maek up a web page and use graet big fonst } And soon your hit countre will go through the roof. } People will think you'er some foreing scritp kiddie } Who's doing his bset to be l33t and aloof. } } And soon you'll be famuos, your link will be posted, } Your name will be known on the great meassge boards. } And all fro the fact that you laerned how to live with } Reversing some letters inisde of your wrods. } } You owe the Oracle oen copy of "Hokoed on Phoncis". --- 1314-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most graciously rueful and simply effulgent, friend to > honesty and foe to crime, the Oracle is indeed one of a kind, > > Will the crazy child still be here after Easter? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Easter, Shmeaster. You should be thinking about Passover. --- 1314-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the greater purpose of bellybutton lint? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, think about it. If it collected in next nearest hole } to the bellybutton you'd have a lot of troubles. As it is, } it's fairly benign. } } You owe the Oracle a dust free environment. --- 1314-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Thou Oracle who is above the most Enronesque of Enrons, > > What will be the next major company to have the dirty dark secrets > of its bookkeeping blown wide open? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Los Angeles (TIOnews) The Central Library continues to be rocked } by allegations of book-keeping practices of the vilest sort. } Early reports of deliberate mis-shelving of texts and the placing } of random texts on shelves spine inwards began circulating in } February. An audit has now turned up cases of books being shelved } with used hamburger wrappers between the pages and copies of } 'girlie' magazines inside of large reference books. Asked for } comment head librarian Glenda Fluskey peered over her glasses, } placed a finger to her lips and uttered a nearly inaudible, } "Shh". } } You owe the Oracle the three of clubs.