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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1311
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=== 1311 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1311
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 28 Feb 2003 15:48:42 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
    1311
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1306  55 votes 27nh6 1ehj4 24oi7 18kga 29fib 19kfa 1aog4 16mk6 3bej8 4ajf7
1306  3.4 mean  3.3   3.2   3.4   3.5   3.5   3.4   3.2   3.4   3.3   3.2

--- 1311-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Wise Oracle Most Penetrating,
>
> If the Undead can't be seen in mirrors how do they brush their teeth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jeezuz, I never thought of that!  And the blind, they can't
} brush their teeth either.  And if the lights go out while you
} are brushing your teeth, you swallow your toothbrush, every time.
} How could I have been so dumb as to overlook all that?
}
} You owe the Oracle that new kit for adding Braille identification
} to the teeth of the Undead, and also a recording of the song
} Zombies & Werewolves: "Voyez-vous des zombie la!  Les zombies et
} des loups-garoux..."

--- 1311-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> The cup of Oracle Knowledge is sweetest at the brim, the flavor is
> impaired if we stare at it with jaundiced eye, looking for our own
> reflections, and yet we struggle when it is taken from our lips.
>
> What will the upcoming Spring be like as far as the undead are
> concerned?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well I just happen to have a copy of the "Old Necromancers' Almanac"
} handy so lets see what it has to say.
}
} * Spring rains promote mold and rot. It is best not to raise any
}    flesh eating zombies if it has rained since the new moon.
}
} * Fresh garlic hung from the rafters will stop inappropriate entry
}    by vampires. Be sure to keep your doorframes clean lest they
}    become irritated and refuse to work for you.
}
} * Spring is a time for flowers. No better way to lure a young virgin to
}    be your sacrifice then a bunch of wild flowers.
}
} * Lycanthrope mating season runs from the full moon of February to the
}    full moon of March. If you want to keep your sacrifices virginal
}    keep them indoors after dark.
}
} * Carry a silver tipped staff in your travels. The dog trying to hump
}    your leg may be more then it seems.
}
} Sure it is a bit on the folksy side, but you don't need to be all evil
} and darkness to be a good necromancer.

--- 1311-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>
> Where do old jokes go to die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The internet.

--- 1311-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I like the googly eyes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: If you like his eyes, you'll love his stand-up...
}
} [ The Great Hall of Moria, The Black Pit, at the height of
}   the Orc occupation. A great mass of orcs & the occasional
}   cave troll are assembled before a low platform of obsidian.
}   On it stands an immense goblin with a whip & a microphone.]
}
} Big Goblin: Quiet! Quiet now. We're ready to start.
}
} [ A light shines down on the big goblin, an ORChestra plays. ]
}
} Big Goblin: And to cap off this fine Balrogmas Eve. . .
}             He was held over in Mordor, he was a hit in
}             Gundabad, the one, the only, the funniest
}             fish eater in Middle Earth. . . Gollum!
}
} [ Gollum hops on to stage. ]
}
} Gollum: Thankes youes, thankes youes. Youes knowsss a funnies
}         thingssss happened to me on the wayss into Moria, I
}         was swimminges after after fishes out in the Sirannon
}         River and ranssss into a wall. "Dam!"
}
} [ Dead silence from the crowd. ]
}
} Gollum: Where do Orcses keepes their Armies?
}         In their Sleeveies!
}
} [ Crowd laughs raucously. ]
}
} Gollum: Whates kind of Orcesss are in hamsss sandwiches?
}         Porc!
}
} [ Crowd looks confused. ]
}
} Gollum: Whatsss do you throwsss to a drowning Mansss?
}         Hissss wivesss and kidssss.
}
} [ Crowd stands and applauds loudly. ]
}
} Gollum: Whatssss the Hotessst Toy in Aman?
}         A Tickle Me Ulmo!
}
} [ Crowd boos. ]
}
} Gollum: Gandalf got his staff lopped off by his wife, now
}         they callsss himsss, John Hobbit!
}
} [ Much hooting and laughter. ]
}
} Gollum: What didsss The Pink Pantherss saysss after chopping
}         Treebeard into kindling?
}         Dead ent, dead ent, dead ent dead ent dead ent dead
}         ent dead ent!
}
} [ Crowd moans. ]
}
} Gollum: Knock knock!
}
} Assembled Orcs: Who is there?
}
} Gollum: Ivegotta.
}
} Assembled Orcs: Ivegotta who?
}
} Gollum: Ivegotta Saruon my skinny butt that looks like
}         the Red Eye!
}
} [ Crowd gasps. Then starts throwing new world vegetables
}   at Gollum and booing. A riot breaks out, much enjoyed
}   by all in attendance. ]
}
} Gollum: I'll be appearing at Cirith Ungol this Spring!
}         You've been a preciousssss Audiencessss.
}
} [ fade to blackness ]

--- 1311-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, mutineer of Hornblowers, if the old peace saying of "Make
> Love Not War" holds true, then why oh why didn't I score at the peace
> rally last weekend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   |                                          |
}   |  Ten Reasons it's Next to Impossible to  |
}  /|\       Score at a Peace Rally           /|\
}
} 10. After all that marching everyone has, ironically,
}     achieved French-like levels of body odor.
}
} 09. Hours of ranting against 'missiles' makes the
}     desire of seeing one, no matter how small, up
}     close unappetizing.
}
} 08. Participants all want to rush home and type up
}     the day's experience in their blogs. "Helped
}     topple Imperialist Running Dogs Today" sounds
}     hip and may impress Bono if he reads it, while
}     "Met a cute guy" will not.
}
} 07. All relationships are vestiges of Judeo-Christian
}     moral dictatorship that hamper the working class
}     from breaking the chains of compulsory consumerism
}     and forging a new dialectic of Neo-Marxist thought!
}
} 06. Everyone worried everyone else is a Homeland Security
}     mole.
}
} 05. If they took you home you might see their SUV in the
}     driveway, big screen TV in the den, and refrigerator
}     full of steak and beer and think they are a hypocrite.
}
} 04. They're really only there for the excellent workout
}     one gets from hours of marching and screaming.
}
} 03. Have embarrassing American Flag Tattoo on right t*t.
}
} 02. The paymaster from Iraqi won't hand them their check
}     for the day's work if they have a stranger in tow.
}
} 01. They're saving themselves for the hunk GIs when they
}     return from The War.
}
}                   ----------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a bag of fries.

--- 1311-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most popular and dexterous,
>
> Duane seems mostly like a normal dog, but with just
> enough intelligence to ask some awkward questions.
>
> How should I deal with this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant,
}
} it seems like just yesterday that the Oracle's own dog
} was content to chase woodchucks rather than ask
} questions about them.  Treasure these moments of
} innocent inquisition my friend.  In no time, Duane
} will stop coming to you for advice.  Without your
} loving input at this vulnerable time in his
} adolescence, Duane might stop coming to you at all,
} even when you call.  He'll hang around with the wrong
} pack, hit the rawhide a little hard, and find himself
} a new bitch every weekend.
}
} If I were Duane's owner, I'd take Duane on a nice
} drive, spend some time together.  And sometime during
} the drive, maybe when he hangs his head out the window
} and gives a little bark to some hot Sharpei passing
} by, I'd tell him the same thing I told Mr. Peabody.
} "Duane," I'd say.  "I know you're going through some
} changes.  I know the only reason you bite the
} mailman's leg is because you're....interested...in the
} leg.  That's perfectly natural.  You might also start
} losing interest in chasing and licking your tail, and
} start focusing in on...other areas...  That's natural
} too.  And I just want you to know that..."
}
} and then I'd have to stop talking because I'd have
} reached the parking lot for the vet, just in time to
} drop off the little varmint to get neutered.  And that
} should take care of all the embarassment!
}
} You owe the Oracle one Wayback Machine.

--- 1311-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most angrily reasonable and actively nonchalant,
>
> What should I buy the dragon for its birthday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Dragon is a wily beast whose scruples extend only as far as the
} next meal. Why or how you came into a position to befriend such a beast
} is beyond the comprehension of even the greatest Oracle seers. However,
} to answer the question of what to give this terrible monstrosity on
} its day of birth is relatively simple.
}
} Dragons love two things above all else: virgins and gold. Your typical
} dragon must prove himself first by amassing a large enough pile of
} gold to sit upon, and by capturing and devouring one hundred virgins.
} In the old days, this was easy; virtues were in vogue and gold was in
} the currency; coinage and maidens fulfilled the dragon's irrational
} hunger for his two loves.
}
} However, the 21st century dragon finds himself having to resort to
} more and more dangerous endeavors in order to acquire gold: either
} through governments or through hip-hop stars. As for virgins, the diet
} of the common dragon becomes less and less healthy as his virtuous
} snack's wrappers, once diaphanous gowns and pointed silk hats, more
} often become soda- stained, unwashed jeans and "FRODO LIVES" t-shirts.
}
} In short, to truly appease this dragon for his sacred day-of-birth,
} find him no less than ten (10) kilos of 24k gold, along with a virgin
} whose hair is grease-free and who doesn't own Spock ears.

--- 1311-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most glorious oracle. How will I make my fortune?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's take a look at what you've tried so far:
}
} * Patent medicine
}
} Result: run out of town because arthritic octogenarians were getting
} sloshed.
}
} * Real estate speculation
}
} Result: turns out gold is not abundant in mosquito-infested swampland.
}
} * Cattle rustling
}
} Result: lucky to escape with hide intact.
}
} * Gold digging
}
} Result: signed a prenuptial agreement; got nothing.
}
} * Dot com company
}
} Result: SEC investigation.
}
} * Put life-savings on Lucky Girl to win in the eighth
}
} Result: Bad Attitude: win, Lucky Girl: place, Tax Refund: show
}
} * Pyramid scheme
}
} Result: FBI investigation.
}
} * Ebay auctions
}
} Result: nobody wants bottle-cap collection.
}
} Ok.  So it doesn't look like you've been very successful so far.
} Alright, what are you trying now?
}
} * Ask The Internet Oracle advice
}
} Result: Oracle offers a sure-fire, get-rich-quick idea.
}
} You owe the Oracle $1,000,000.  I'll get back to you once I've got the
} cash.

--- 1311-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who's I/O port puts fear into the Tech Support girls:
> Do you remember where you were when you heard that Bambi's mother had
> been shot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I remember, I'm omniscient. I know all, and see
} all except for telemarketers and those pesky door-to-door
} magazine salemen. I've got staff for that and frankly I'm
} not above using it. Why just the other...
}
} > > Mr. Oracle, please answer the question at hand.
}
} Ah, right, the question...
}
} > Do you remember where you were when you heard that Bambi's
} > mother had been shot?
}
} Of course I remember. I was with Zad.. No wait, sorry I was
} with Lisa engagued in very private matters.
}
} > You were?
}
} Yes, and not just because she can't be called to testify
} against me, either.
}
} > I see. And you weren't out walking through the woods
} > that evening.
}
} No.. no.. I wasn't..
}
} > Then would you please describe for the court who the
} > individual is in this picture?
}
} What!? I... ooh.. errr... uhm...
}
} > So is this a picture of you?
}
} No comment.
}
} > Ah, so it is you stalking Mrs. Mortstag! With your rifle
} > slung under your arm.
}
} That's not a rifle you dolt, it's..
}
} > It's what Mr. Oracle? What do you have in that long box?
}
} Roses. Long stem roses. And if you must know that other
} box has candied clover in it.
}
} >                  {mumble, murmur, rutabaga}
}
} Oh get your minds out of the gutter. Look, I was just
} dropping by to find out how she was handling rehab.
}
} > rehab?
}
} Yes, she got busted a few months prior for passing
} out a few herbs that weren't exactly native to the
} local forest. Turns out that some of the other female
} deer didn't take too well to having one of their own
} suddenly turn state's witness. They paid off the
} hunter to whack her.
}
} > > > > You lying pig! I'll get you!
}
} No problem, deery, drop by any time. I love venison.
}
} > I see...
}
} > > Any further questions from the defense?
}
} > No your honor.
}
} > > Thank you Mr. Oracle, you may stand down.
}
} END TRANSCRIPT
}
} You owe the Oracle the first season of the Sopran-does.

--- 1311-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Will you marry me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure! Let's set a date and register our china pattern.
}
} Oh, wait: there's just one thing. You have to prove you love me.
} A single rose and a good kiss ought to cover that. Then we can get
} married.
}
} Oops, I forgot again. You have to prove that you're ready to
} get married.  No big deal, just come with me to a topless beach
} during Spring Break and keep eye contact with me 100% of the time.
} Piece of cake. That, the rose and kiss thing, and we're married.
}
} Boy, I just don't know where my head is today. You also need to prove
} that you're grown up enough to pull your weight in my household.
} Be a dear and scrub the toilets, dust the venetian blinds, wax the
} garage floor and comb the shag carpet. Then we go to the beach,
} then we kiss while I get a flower, then the wedding bells ring.
}
} Wait -- wait, no, I really should write these things down. You ALSO
} need to prove that you can support me in the manner to which I'm
} accustomed.  Here's my shopping list. Have it all on the porch
} by sunrise tomorrow.  No, that says twenty-four karat. No, Fannie
} Mae is not an acceptable replacement for Godiva. No substitutions.
} Get all that done, then the cleaning stuff, then the beach, then a
} kiss and a rose, and I can almost hear "Here comes the bride" playing.
}
} Gee, I keep thinking I'm done, and then more crops up. You also need
} to talk to me about your feelings, tell me about a childhood memory so
} painful that it makes you cry, give me a good snuggle for no reason
} when I least expect it, spend a whole weekend shopping with me, stop
} the car and ask for directions, let ME have sole custody of the remote
} control for the entire NCAA tournament, listen to me rant about my day
} without making a SINGLE SUGGESTION about how to solve my problems, and
} stand by nodding and smiling while I get my long hair cut off short.
}
} Oh, and you have to meet with the approval of all my friends.
}
} And get me a puppy. You feed, bathe, clean up after, and otherwise
} maintain it. But fix it so it bonds just to me and cuddles with me
} all the time.
}
} That, blah-blah-blah, and the rose and kiss, and THEN I'll marry you.
}
} See what your friends are talking about when they say, "My wedding's
} coming up, and there's just so much to DO!" Never in your wildest
} dreams imagined, did you?
}
} You owe the Oracle a bouquet of flowers carved from finest Godiva
} chocolate. Be a dear and put "Attention: Lisa" on the mailing label.