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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1309
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=== 1309 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1309
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 14 Feb 2003 13:09:57 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
    1309
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1304  53 votes 5fia5 4bgac 24ik9 8fj47 6dfb8 44ibg 23li9 2cq76 25oe8 17ij8
1304  3.3 mean  2.9   3.3   3.6   2.8   3.0   3.6   3.5   3.1   3.4   3.5

--- 1309-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> You be gooooood!
>
> Can you come over to my house?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Erm, no. Look Mr. Jackson, you're days as a star are over. You
} no longer are a man, erm, person, erm, -thing- to be reckoned
} with. You're old hat. If you were as important as you used to
} be would the Oracle make fun of you in public like this?
}
} * Michael Jackson is paying for his groceries. The bag-boy
}   asks, "Paper or Plastic?" and Michael points at his nose
}   and says, "Neither, it's real. I swear it is!"
}
} * Michael Jackson's accountant is trying to get Jacko to
}   spend less. "With my other clients," says the accountant,
}   "I urge them to cut their plastic in half so they don't
}   use it." "How do they breathe?" asks Michael in horror,
}   "Besides my nose is real. Well, it is!"
}
} * Q:  How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
}   A:  From a catalogue.
}
} * Q: What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head &
}      Michael Jackson?
}   A: Michael Jackson has had more noses.
}
} * Q: What's plastic and doesn't smell very good?
}   A: One of Michael Jackson's noses.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good thousand yards of buffer space.

--- 1309-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Ingenious Oracle most jocose and scrupulous,
>
> What are some of the greatest books almost written?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Moby Cock:
} Unfortunately, white roosters simply aren't that uncommon.
}
} Porklet:
} Pig language wasn't advanced enough for Porklet's father's ghost to
} tell Porklet about his murder.
}
} The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Atom:
} Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle plays Hell with the sub-etha.
}
} The Incomplete Metamorphosis:
} Amphibians simply aren't as repulsive as cockroaches.
}
} The Adventures of Huckleberry:
} Limbless, nonsentient fruits can't steer rafts.
}
} Bastard Operator From Heaven:
} The computer storing the manuscript got, ah, *accidentally*
} reformatted...
}
} The Illiteratus! Trilogy:
} Nobody could understand it.  Then again, that's not much of a change.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of The GPLed Documentation of Monkey Island.

--- 1309-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Well-grounded Oracle, most unblemished and fatuous,
>
> What kinds of "One of a Kind" party can I give this
> Easter that my pals will never forget?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top 10 ways to make your Easter party unforgettable:
}
} 10. Use stinkbombs for Easter eggs.
} 9.  Insist that everybody hop around like rabbits.
} 8.  Hire somebody to dress up in a giant Easter Bunny costume, and, in
}     the middle of the party, burst into the house carrying a chainsaw.
} 7.  Everybody has to eat all the Easter eggs they find.
} 6.  Stand on the roof and throw eggs at passerbys.
} 5.  Hide Easter eggs in the plumbing and walls.
} 4.  Cut holes in everbody's chocolate rabits, and claim the Easter
}     Hunter did it.
} 3.  Have rabbit for dinner.
} 2.  Hold the eggs hostage.
} 1.  Refuse to hide the eggs on the grounds that "they don't want to be
}     hidden".
}
} You owe the Oracle videos.

--- 1309-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose toe-jam is light and fluffy, and spreads well on
> toast:
>
> I there anyone anywhere left with a glimmer of faith and trust in
> the American popular media?  -or should I just be glad of my
> ability to read online news from around the globe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can always trust Midnight, The Globe and the National Enquirer,
} as well as most other supermarket tabloids.  The news there is always
} sensational, substantially fictional, but occasionally more true than
} anyone should want to believe.
}
} ENQUIRER headlines that have not yet seen print:
}
}   BERMUDA TRIANGLE MISSING
}
}   HOTDOG REMEDY FOR COLD FEET
}
}   SMURFS INVADE MARS
}
}   PRINCESS DIANA ALIVE IN ROSWELL NM
}
}   ELVIS DEAD AGAIN
}
} You owe the Oracle a barf bag.

--- 1309-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most mesmerizing and trustworthy, incline your ear
> to my lowly need for an answer if you would please. I thank you
> in advance.
>
> How can I turn my twenty years of rent payments into some kind
> of advantage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Enter three ne'er do wells, each looking rumpled and disheveled)
}
} NDW 1: Zounds, this year the garland of victory in the annual Futility
} Regatta is to be mine! For I have spent the past twelve months
} attempting to persuade my dearest love that the Three Stooges truly are
} funny!
}
} NDW 2: Be off, or I'll kick you upstairs! *My* entry in the Fu'Tatta is
} thus: I have attempted to train my Siamese cat to catch a frisbee in
} her ponderous and marble jaws!
}
} NDW 3: Miscreants, get thee behind me! For I have attempted to speak
} out against the impending American invasion of Iraq!
}
} (Ne'er do wells 1 and 2 goggle in disbelief)
}
} NDW 1: Truly, the garland is thine!
}
} NDW 2: Clear a space on thy mantle!
}
} NDW 1: Stick a fork in us -- we art done!
}
} NDW 3: (beaming) Yea, yea, verily -- who wanteth to touch me?
}
} (Enter supplicant)
}
} SUPPLICANT: Hold! For at last, I have the advantage!
}
} ALL NDW: Gadzooks, odd's bodkins, 'tis the Supplicant!
}
} SUPPLICANT: Each of you work, tho' not every week and not for very
} much, but what thou dost purchase with thy meagre wages, thou ow'st. Am
} I not right?
}
} ALL NDW: (reluctantly) Yea, thou speakst aright.
}
} SUPPLICANT: Lo, for twice three years now I have lived under a roof,
} behind doors, within walls, whose open space I arrange as I see fit.
} Yon walls are thin, and the appliances truly suck swamp skimmings, but
} 'tis mine. But not mine forever; o, no! For each month I buy the room
} anew, and such is my agreement with my Lord of Land that I must do so
} forever, but can never own this property inhabited by me.
}
} (All NDW gasp. A heavenly chord plays, a beam of light picks out the
} supplicant, and an enormous garland of leaves descends from heaven,
} with the word DOOFUS cleverly woven among the branches)
}
} ALL NDW: 'Tis the Garland of Futility! It hath been awarded by
} acclamation, without so much as a formal judging!
}
} NDW 3: Truly, what you have done hath given you the unbeatable
} advantage in our race to do the most futile thing ever done. Dost thou
} ever plan to buy a home outright?
}
} SUPPLICANT: Yea, anon. Just as soon as I persuadeth my boyfriend to
} poppeth the question. I think I'm wearing him down -- I make sweet,
} fabulous love to him each night. I am certain he cannot resist my
} wiles, and soon will move to make me his betrothed and only bride.
}
} ALL NDW (trying to hide their derisive grins): Well done!
}
} NDW 1 (to NDW 2 & 3): Do the rules provideth for a co-champion? For I
} believe yon Supplicant hath tied with herself!
}
} You owe the Oracle an invitation to the wedding. Don't expect a
} present.

--- 1309-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Fat and Bulging Oracle, you head is so big I cannot see
> anything else.  Maybe I need bigger eyebulbs.  I guess a
> man with a big brain needs a big head to put it in.  You
> would know; you're the one who's Omniscient, not me.
>
> I'm still trying to figure out my crazy way to make money without
> losing my shinbones.  The plan is to go to South Boston and
> take bets off the street against Red Sox fans.  I'd give them
> good odds that the Sox'll lose the Pennant.  Die-hards that
> they are, they'll bet in favor of that cursed team, and I'll
> make a ton of money, most years.
>
> But there are two problems you can advise me on:
>
>   1. Where can I borrow the start-up money I'll need
>      to have on hand if the very first year involves
>      a magical lifting of The Curse of the Bambino?
>
>   2. In years that I do win, how the hell am I gonna
>      collect from those guys?  They ALL have baseball
>      bats at home.  My shins ache just thinking of them.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. Lifting the Curse of the Bambino lies in submerged piano. Surely
} you've heard about the "Piano Project"?
} (http://www.restorationproject.org/babe.htm) However, they have it
} backwards... lifting the curse doesn't involve lifting Babe Ruth's
} piano out of the pond, but by throwing hundreds of pianos in the pond
} along with it.
}
} You see? The ghost of Babe's piano is lonely, and wants some
} accompaniment. With all the bad pianists out there, surely it would do
} the entire world some good. Heck, we should start with Tori Amos and
} Vanessa Carlton's instruments.
}
} 2. Which brings up the question: how do you make money off Red Sox
} fans? Easy... sell 'em some slightly used waterlogged pianos.
}
} You owe the Oracle a version of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame", played
} underwater.

--- 1309-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O' Oracle who keeps his temple squeaky clean and not because it's full
> of mice either!
>
> Pray answer this grimy supplicant's question.
>
> Are they called dust bunnies because they reproduce so quickly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a reason they're called supplican'ts.

--- 1309-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Are you sure this is a good idea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absolutely. Where else are we going to get oil? What else are we
} going to use for fuel? Where else could the terrorists be getting
} support from?  Who listens to the UN anyway? What could possibly
} be more important to spend our tax money on then whooping other
} country's butts? Has dubbya ever been wrong before?
}
} You owe the oracle a way to send sarcasm over the Internet.

--- 1309-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, most _______,
>
> What does ______ mean in a ________ context?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm drawing a blank.

--- 1309-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh mighty, omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent,
> omnivorous, all-seeing Internet Oracular master, saver of
> all, keeper of all wisdom, who spans the great infinity of
> space and time, who outshines any Snap-on tool, whose
> electronic wisdom I am unworthy even to ponder, whose Un*x
> knowledge surpasses even the most dedicated hacker.  Oh
> most industrially illustrious, wonderful, marvelous,
> magnificent, and omnipotent Oracle, whose prowess knows no
> limits, drool is treasured like the mirth of eternal
> youth, I humbly implore thee to answer my cry...
>
> My home computer sits idly in the corner, sometimes. How
> can I modify it so it will brew a decent cup of coffee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your computer is sitting idly in the corner?  Sounds like it's trying
} to let you know it's feeling very depressed.
}
} I'd suggest *you* give *it* a decent cup of coffee to perk it up.
}
} Simply tilt it back a bit, open the cup holder tray, then pour the hot
} (but not scalding) coffee into the tray's opening.
}
} Go ahead.  I'll wait.
}
} The sparks and popping sounds you hear are perfectly normal, and
} are not a cause for alarm.  They are simply your computer's way of
} thanking you for your excellent coffee.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pound of Kopi Luwak beans that you personally
} have collected by the traditional method (go ahead, look it up.
} I'll wait...)