From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Feb 10 14:00:21 2003 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.48) id h1AIYBJ11067; Mon, 10 Feb 2003 13:34:11 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 10 Feb 2003 13:34:11 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200302101834.h1AIYBJ11067@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1308 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1308 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1308 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 10 Feb 2003 13:33:57 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1308 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1303 64 votes 58fgk ajl95 18dph 1cpj7 5mkd4 2b9km 8ql54 37mlb 4jlg4 6dkh8 1303 3.2 mean 3.6 2.7 3.8 3.3 2.8 3.8 2.5 3.5 3.0 3.1 --- 1308-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me why Internet cookies were so called And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's very simple. Of old, programmers called a small piece of data } which stood in for another object, a 'magic cookie'. These are widely } used in authentication schemes, like Kerberos: I give the auth server } my password; it gives me a cookie. I can then give the cookie to other } hosts to prove my identity, without showing my password. } } These days it's slightly different. You give the Web site your privacy } and your spam-vulnerable email address ... it gives you a cookie. What } is it good for? Don't worry about it. Good user, have a cookie. } } You owe the Oracle a magic brownie. --- 1308-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You want something to drink? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I have something to drink. I want something worthwhile to answer. } } You owe the Oracle 12 cases of Hennessey three-star cognac. --- 1308-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are all those things you know that I don't? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let's start with some simple ones: } } * Your remote control is behind the couch, where your kids lost } it while playing Remote Control Volleyball during SpongeBob. } } * The e-mail you're about to get from jill826491@hotmail.com, } inviting you to chat with "her", is actually an advertisement } for a narsty porn site run by her ex-boyfriend. } } * The pink stuff growing in your shower is fusarium mold, and } the best way to get rid of it is with a dilute solution of } chlorine bleach. } } * Teenagers these days don't have as much sex as they want each } other to think they do. } } * Late night Deep Cable is not as funny if you're sober. } } * The plural of "virus" is "viruses", even when you're talking } about computer viruses. It isn't "viri" or "virii" ... those } would be the plurals of "vir" and "virius". } } * Your boss doesn't look nearly as silly in his underwear as you } look in yours ... and yes, he thinks the same thing when he's } bored in department meetings. } } * There is, in fact, a conspiracy among the squirrels. } } * Your high-school sweetheart did think of you today, but only } to wonder what that unreadable scribble of a message was in } her yearbook. } } I could go on, but this should keep you busy for a while. --- 1308-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I once met a woodchuck > Proud, noble, true > Who saved me from an elephant > Running through the zoo > And when I asked what he did want > He quickly did reply > A pile of wood was all he wished > And I then asked him why. > And he told me that it was widely said > Among the wise and good > "What joy hath a woodchuck > Save for chucking wood?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *I* once met a woodchuck, } Looking like the dead; } When I asked him what he did, } This is what he said. } "Long ago I used to chuck } Wood around the town; } Till at once I saw the light - } The Oracle came down! } Gently he explained to me } About the Staff of Zot, } How, if I persisted, } Soon I would be not. } Now my nature is reformed, } Hear me, ye great and good: } NO LONGER IS IT SENSIBLE } FOR WOODCHUCKS TO CHUCK WOOD." } } You owe the Oracle a better explanation of the nature of the Staff. --- 1308-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, > Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Be five years old and some one will plunk you right down in } front of it to keep you busy while they hit the secret gin } bottle in the pantry. } } You owe the Oracle a shoe full of kids & a bone for the dog. --- 1308-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the plot line for the science-fiction story > "Return to Schenectady"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Can you say, "Deliverance" } } I thought you could! } } You owe the Oracle a large pop-corn & a large orange drink. --- 1308-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most shiny, > > Please answer me All The Questions I've Never Asked(TM). Thanx. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That'd take forever. } } For example you never asked: } } Why does one cow zoom? } } or } } Why do two cows zoom? } } or } } Why do three cows zoom? } } or } } Why do four cows zoom? } } or } } Why do five cows zoom? } } or } } Why do six cows zoom? } } or } } Why do seven cows zoom? } } or. . . --- 1308-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, able to endure all forms of weather, who is never stopped by > snow or ice or rain or hail or sleet or hurricanes or raining cats or > even meteors, > > Why does some snow have holes in it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 10. Think tiny "Snow"-nuts for itty-bitty police-elves. } 09. Makes them lighter, so they don't kill people when } falling on them. } 08. Saves on amount of snow needed per flake, it doesn't } grow on trees you know. } 07. Prions. } 06. Ah grasshopper, the question is; Why are some holes } surrounded by snow? } 05. Kids always tasting the flakes before they're done. } 04. Holy Snow, Christmas. Get it? } 03. So they make cool whistling sound as they plummet. } 02. Old Man Frost likes to show off his fine motor skills. } 01. Snowmen like them that way. } } You owe the Oracle a cup of coffee. --- 1308-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most Heavily Vested and Double Breasted Oracle, you that > actually understands Schedule D on a 1040; > > What will be the worst investment strategies for the upcoming > fiscal year? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, my breasts do look nice in my vest, don't they? Thank you for } noticing. } } TOP TEN WORST INVESTMENT STRATEGIES: } } 10. Wall Street Journal. Dartboard. } } 9. Take George W. Bush's latest mangled word, remove all vowels, } search for compatible stock abbreviation. Plunge in entire life } savings. } } 8. Find person pushing shopping cart down sidewalk. Say, "You're } obviously an outside-the-box thinker. Take this big wad of cash and } double it for me, would you?" For extra luck, have above conversation } outside liquor store. } } 7. Drop in offering plate. Not at the church you attend; instead, } try the one that worships Mr. Snuffleupagus. } } 6. Solar power. 'Nuff said. } } 5. Stuff cash in little plastic box by cash register at convenience } store. Put up sign reading, "Take a thousand, leave two thousand." } } 4. Loiter outside Federal Reserve Board headquarters. Offer to } sell them special lucky dollar bills for two dollars apiece. } } 3. Scoop activated charcoal out of aquarium filter. Insert in nether } regions. Listen to Rush Limbaugh for twenty-four hours straight, } hoping that stress will become pressure and heat, and carbon will } turn into diamonds. } } 2. Become primary backer of "The Anna Nicole Show On Ice!" } } And the worst investment strategy of all ... } } 1. If you love your money, set it free. If it comes back to you, } doubled, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. } } You owe the Oracle a free night's stay in your refrigerator box under } the bridge. --- 1308-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most Grand Oracle, please accept single seater WW I fighter > plane as a token of my pleasure for the way you on your own > solve all the world's vexing riddles, > > Are all heroes loners? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. } When I order one, it always comes with a kosher pickle. } } You owe the Oracle a pastrami & swiss with a side of slaw.