From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Nov 1 23:29:30 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id gA243Wb03991; Fri, 1 Nov 2002 23:03:32 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 1 Nov 2002 23:03:32 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200211020403.gA243Wb03991@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1289 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1289 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1289 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 01 Nov 2002 23:03:19 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1289 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1284 63 votes akk67 jpd42 38nl8 3aol5 4bkj9 9djbb 4flg7 77foa 5foe5 8akeb 1284 3.0 mean 2.7 2.1 3.4 3.2 3.3 3.0 3.1 3.4 3.0 3.2 --- 1289-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most prankish, > > Is your refrigerator running? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Damn! Prince Albert is in the can. He was supposed to be } watching it! --- 1289-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Will the boss quit at the end of this period? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's a question mark. Not a period. --- 1289-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wisest of Oracles, > > Why is "weird" spelled so weird? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > look around } You are on page 1732 of The Intergalactic Collegiate English } Dictionary. You see lots of words. } } You hear shouting from nearby. You have the faint sense that it } is directed at you. } } > inventory } You have 5 letters. } } > examine letters } You have a 'w', an 'i', an 'e', an 'r', and a 'd'. } } > who am i? } You are 'wierd'. } } > examine words } Your nearest neighbors are 'wield', above you, and 'wife', below } you. } } You hear loud sounds coming from below. } } > examine wife } She's not very attractive. In addition, she seems to be yelling } rather earnestly at you about something. } } > listen } Trust me, you'd rather not do that. } } > rearrange letters } Done. } } > who am i? } You are 'Dr. Wei', prominent brain surgeon. } } Mrs. Wei continues to scream at you from below... something about } using an adjective where an adverb is called for... } } > rearrange letters } Done. } } > who am i? } You are 'Drew I', Lord of Careya. } } You continue to hear some choice imprecations being directed at } you by Lady Drew. } } > rearrange letters } Done. } } > who am i? } You are 'wired'. } } Your wife screams at you to sit down and behave like an adult. } } > bounce off walls } Wheee! Wasn't that fun? But perhaps you should cut down a bit } on the caffeine... } } Your time is running out. } } > rearrange letters } Done. } } (Your score just went up by 10 points) } } > who am i? } You are 'weird'. } } > I beg your pardon? } Hey, that's MY line! Your pitiful grovel does not entitle you to } its use. } } (Your score just went down by 5 points) } } > who am i again? } You are 'weird'. Just plain weird. } } The silence from below is deafening. } } > look around } You are on page 1695 of The Intergalactic Collegiate English } Dictionary. You see lots of words. } } > examine words } Your nearest neighbors are 'weir', above you, and 'welcome', } below you. } } Your southern neighbor greets you kindly and expresses fond } wishes for your successful integration into this neighborhood. } } > listen } Ahhhh! You hear a wren singing from far away, perhaps for the } first time since the dictionary was printed. } } (Your score just went up by 10 points) } } The game is over! } } Congratulations on successfully evading the 'wife'. Your score } entitles you to remain exactly where you are in the dictionary, } your letters forever frozen in their current order. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of the difference between } 'weird' and 'weirdly'. --- 1289-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise one, he who knows exactly how many teenagers complain > that "no-one understands me", > > What were your teenage years like, seeing as how you knew and > understood everyone else? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Scene: ancient Greece, the Oracle is having an orgy. Suddenly, his } parents enter] } } Mom: Oracle... } } Oracle: [immitating] "if you told me once you told me a million times. } No orgies on a school night" } } Mom: Yes. Now send your nice friends home } } Oracle: [immitating, again] "...and go to sleep. I need my beauty } sleep". But mom, I'm the gosh-darned Oracle! I don't need to go } to sleep. I know everything. } } Mom: [chuckles] The teenagers today. When I was your age I also... } } Oracle: But I really *do* know everything. That's what "omniscient" } _means_. } } Mom: Well, if you know everything... } } Oracle: Why do I get bad grades? Because the teachers are wrong. } Whenever... } } Mom: Now, you listen to me young man } } [...fade off...] } } So, my teenager years were quite unlike yours. My mom disliked my } friends, insisted that I go to school on time and told me to have } respect for my elders, even though everything they knew was antiquated. --- 1289-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and wise Oracle, > > What is the skeleton covering with his blue guitar? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He is covering a boner. --- 1289-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Livin' Lovin' Oracle, > > If the stores are all closed when I get there, with a word I can get > what I came for. But what is that word? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's not so much the word, as the delivery. For what you want, don't } just say "bathroom?" and cross your legs or hop around. Say } "bathroom?", then cover your mouth with both hands and make your eyes } go wide. } } You'll get the directions you're looking for right away. } } You owe the Oracle some t.p.; I'm all out here, just hand it under the } stall wall, wouldja? --- 1289-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the Answer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, "What" is the question. Hang in there though, you'll } get the hang of it soon enough. } } You owe the Oracle some things. --- 1289-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > > What's the first thing I need to know if I want to train crickets? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Where the sticky wicket goes. --- 1289-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Are cave trolls good in bed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It depends what turns you on. They do bring a whole new meaning to } the phrase "safe sex", however. } } You owe the Oracle a mention in your will. --- 1289-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can adults like something as stupid as Scooby-Do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's not just Scooby-Doo (spelling counts supplicant) but the } whole mythos and mystery of pursuing a carefree life of crime } solving and being meddling kids. } } For boomers growing up in a haze of ever-so-sweet smoke it was } all about messing with "The Man". Bankers, real estate speculators } and scheming nephews of old money all got cut down to size by a dog } who couldn't even correctly execute an overly complicated plan for } using a dubiously constructed trap. } } For adults today the reassuring familiar resolution of each episode } provides certainty and even a moral compass in these times of } confusion as art forgers in armour and puppet manipulating } counterfeiters are led away to pay for their crimes (along with jewel } smuggling snow monsters and treasure seeking magicians on the lam). No } matter how horrible the demon that confronts us is, underneath it lies } nothing more frightening than a foolish middle age white male with a } receding hairline who was probably just trying to rig a dog show. } } Let's not forget the appeal to the inner Watson of us all, tagging } along with these crime solving sleuths as they unravel clues and new } and exciting criminal techniques using the latest technology (film } projectors, automated tape recorders, umm... scuba gear). } } Nor can we ignore the archetypical quality of the characters: red head } in skirt, brainy librarian, ascot wearing leader, tall guy and talking } dog. Not since the Greek playwright Aristeopides has this particular } assembly of characters been so well utilized to express both the angst } and optimism of a generation. Driving around in a van, solving } mysteries with the ones you love. Was not this the dream of Homer? } Simpson that is.