From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Sep 2 12:28:38 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id g82H6Po20686; Mon, 2 Sep 2002 12:06:25 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 2 Sep 2002 12:06:25 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200209021706.g82H6Po20686@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1281 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1281 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1281 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 02 Sep 2002 12:06:12 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1281 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1276 52 votes 34lj5 3ddj4 26lh6 07ejc 0cnd4 5bcea 56gcd 75he9 09hi8 3kj82 1276 3.3 mean 3.4 3.2 3.4 3.7 3.2 3.2 3.4 3.2 3.5 2.7 --- 1281-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and bipedal Oracle, who can make even the finickiest gas grill > stay lit, > > Can I pet your hamster? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And the Final Jeopardy Answer is: } } "Bad pickup lines at a furry convention". --- 1281-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Exalted Oracle who sees and knows all and has enough common > decency to keep his mouth closed while eating, > > Who invented the smiley? Is he dead yet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Alfred E. Qwerty, discoverer of the keyboard, was the } official inventor of the smiley, way back in early } typewriter days. The original keyboard was designed, } by the way, not to slow down typists who were too fast } for early typewriters, but instead in honour of Qwerty } himself, for his other discovery, the Poiuyt, which } was initially regarded as unfit for polite company } until it appeared in William Gaines's magazine, MAD, } in the late 1950's. } } Qwerty died on Madison Avenue, NY, in 1954, at the age } of 112, as a result of being stabbed with his own Poiuyt } while attempting to gain entrance to the MAD offices. } The police were unable to solve the case, owing to } the transcendimensional nature of the Poiuyt. His } murderer remains at large. --- 1281-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle who is wiser than anything. > > How much money do I need to buy this new house? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Orrie: It says right here on the deed, One House 10 zorkmids, } a hotel is 25 zorkmids. } } Supplicant: This is fun! } } Voice Over: You too can have fun playing, Oracle-opoly! The } great new board game by Farker Brotherz! } } [ Wide angle shot of the Oracle, Lisa, Zadoc & a supplicant, } that through the wonders of modern technology looks just } like you, playing Oracle-opoly. ] } } Zadoc: Oh no! I landed on W..dch..k Place. } } Orrie: Sorry! } } [ Zadoc gets zotted across the room. ] } } Lisa: I have a Queue-community Chest... } } [ Oracle grins wildly. ] } } Lisa: ...card, let's see what it says! Oh joy! I move } to Ogwa Gardens! No one owns it! I'm buying it! } } Voice Over: Race around the board earning zorkmids by } correctly answering a question when you } pass the tellme square... } } Supplicant: I earn 200 zorkmids... } } Orrie: Not so fast little buddy. First answer this: } } How are The Baltimore Ravens like a writing } desk? } } Supplicant: Neither one can stop The Minnesota Vikings' } passing game? } } [ A long pauses as they all wait for the Laugh-O-Meter } to ponder the answer, in this case, it emits a polite } guffaw. ] } } Orrie: Sorry, all you get is 37 zorkmids for that one. } } Supplicant: Oh well! I'm still having fun! } } Voice Over: You will too! Order now, Order often. Trained } simians are standing by. Send in your order } to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu } } [ Zadoc drags himself, burnt and bedraggled, back up to } the table just in time to roll the dice for his turn. ] } } Zadoc: Oh no! I have to go to Lemur Prison! And I don't } have a "Get out of Joel" card! } } [ All laugh. Fade to black. ] --- 1281-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most suitable Oracle, who can tie in any reference to any other > fact yet has never had his shoelaces tied to a chair by gnomes, > please answer my question, if you would please, > > Why do people need names since so few of them look alike? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ----------------------------------------------------------------------- } 17 DEAD IN FUN-RUN DEBACLE } By: That reporter with the Big Hair } } Yesterday's annual charity marathon in aid of Impoverished Priests was } transformed into a terrifying exhibition of pain and violence, shocking } spectators and participants alike. } } Some guy with blond hair and a moustache (23), gave us this eye-witness } account: } } "It was shaping up to be a pretty good day - the sun was shining, } everyone was happy to be doing something for the community - spirits } were high, you know? } I was stood on the walkway across the road with two of my buddies - } that short, fat balding guy, and the one we all suspect of being gay, } watching the whole thing - the starter's pistol fired, and everyone } took off - 2,000 people chatting, laughing, enjoying the experience... } and that's when it happened. } } There was some kind of disturbance in the crowd - a mugging, } bag-snatching - we're not quite sure, and someone ran off towards the } town square... The shout went up; "Hey you! Stop right there!" } } My god, it was horrible - 2,000 people all turning round at once, some } in rabbit costumes, some in wheelchairs, some pushing their friends } along in hospital beds... I'd say the whole incident took less than 2 } minutes, and by the time it was all over, the road just looked like a } butcher's window. One big mass of writhing limbs, and the screams... oh } dear lord, the screams. I won't be sleeping for a long time." } } The mayor, fat corrupt guy who likes hookers, had this to say: "This is } a sad day for our once-great town - the memories of that guy, the other } guy, and that annoying one no-one likes - not to mention creepy } glass-eye dude, will live long in our memories." } ----------------------------------------------------------------------- } } You owe the Oracle a name-tag with "HI! My name is BOB" written on it. --- 1281-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I don't get it. My [Theocratically condemned] old man put one of those > [engaging in sexual intercourse] internet filters on my computer. If I > visit a site with any [English cigarettes] or [women in comfortable > shoes], the filter sends me to a Bible-thumping site denouncing [odd > people]. If I get a picture with a [small kitten] on it, it covers it > up. [Son of God!], I can't even view a set of [mammary glands] without > the software [urinating] me off! I tried to disable the piece of > [excrement], but I can't get the password. PLEASE! Tell me the > password before my old man forces me to go back to [polluting myself] > to a cheap [pictures of mommies and daddies who love each other] mag! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You know, most males have long since moved out of their parent's } house when they're 32 Al, you might want to give it some thought. } } You owe the Oracle the collected works of Philip K. [male organ]. --- 1281-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can Christopher Walken possibly be more creepy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. He could strap horns to his head, paint his face with virgin's } blood, drape himself in rotting guts and hang around in the shadows } making hoarse, bubbling noises and screaming incoherently. } } You owe the Oracle a way to get rid of this image. --- 1281-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most dazzlingly disturbing, > > This has been bothering me: over the last several hours I have sent a > smattering of queries your way. Each time, I am immedeately answered > by 'The Oracle is pondering your question'. Now, that's fine, I > understood that as an acknowledgement my question had been properly > received but that there were no other questions that needed answering. > To my surprise, however, my missives are answered within a brief period > of time, which suggests that there are others asking questions and > receiving mine to answer. So the problem is, if these people are > asking questions and dutifully answering mine, why am I not getting any > of -their- questions to answer personally? > > Hey, maybe even one of you high priests could help me mout on this one! > > Thanks in advance. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle would like to address your last request first. The } priests steadfastly refuse to help anyone 'mout', and who can } blame them? The Oracle hopes you understand, it's just the way } things are now a days. } } As for your question as to the queue. it works on a process } known as FIFOUSEH (first in first out unless something } else happens). Here's a chart to help clear this all up: } } v----------------------------------------------------------< } |+-----------------+ +--------+ +----------+ | } || Is mail tellme |----->| tellme |-+-->| question | | } || or an askme? | +--------+ | | to queue | | } |+-------v---------+ | | Scanned | | } | | +---------+ | | for the | | } | +------->| askme | | | string | | } | +-----v---+ | |w..dch..k | | } | |<-----------< +----------+ | } | +----------------+ | +---------------------------+ | } | | Questions exist| <-+-> | Other questions exist NOT | | } | | but from Sender| | | from current Sender | | } | +-------v--------+ | +------------v--------------+ | } | | | | | } | +-------v--------+ | +------------v----------------+| } | | send pondering | | | count w..dch..k questions || } >- > your Q email | | | sent in over last 60 minutes|| } +----------------+ | +-v-----------v----------v----+| } +----------------+ | | | | | } | No questions |<--+ +--v--+ +--v--+ +--v--+ | } | at all in queue| |"<5" | | 5 to| |"10>"|--^ } +-------v--------+ +--v--+ | 10 | +-----+ } | | +--v--+ } | | | } +-------v--------+ +-----v--------+ +------------------+ } | start "navel | | send oldest Q| | IF 5 to 7 then | } | stare" routine | | in queue to | | w..dch..k Q to | } | to ponder how a| | the sender | | the sender | } | question could | +--------------+ | IF 8 then send | } | arrive and be | | out newest Q | } | part of no Q | | IF 9 send old | } | queue???????[0]| | Q from digests | } +----------------+ | IF 10 send out a | } | null question | } +------------------+ } } [0] "navel stare" subroutine causes loop of a "What is life?" } and Steve Wright jokes to be mailed to The Oracle once } each 752 seconds unless it is a full moon in Finland or } a Thursday in Tonga, in which case the Lewis Carroll } riddle is substituted. This will go on until a question } NOT send out as part of this subroutine is detected. } } You owe the Oracle some lint. --- 1281-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Every day your answers get better and my grovels get worse. This > time I tripped on my nose as I tried to fling bouquets of turnips > into your window to show my respect for your intellect. I guess I > was lacking in perspective again. > > Please tell me about the elephants. I need to know about the three > types, I think they are the African, the Indian and the Swedish. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The gradually inverse relationship of grovel quality to answer quality } is a part of the universe known as Oracular Entropy and is not under } your control. It always was, is, and will be, so do not fret. } } When you see an elephant, you can easily identify it by the process of } elimination: } Does it have short, stiff hairs covering most of it's body? } If so, then it is an Indian Elephant. } If not, does it have large ear in proportion ot its head? } If so, then it is an African Elephant. } If not, is it large, red, sweet, and edible? } If so, than it is a very tasty Swedish Elephant. --- 1281-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most wise Oracle, who knows all languages. > > Studying the arcane writings of "h4x0r" types I have seen reference to > the 1337 madskillz. Precisely how many saneskillz are there, and is > there an imbalance? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is hesitant to list all known saneskillz as they } are mind numbingly boring; Check Book Balancing, Able to } Eat with Elbows off the Table, Doesn't get Angry at Puppies } that Piddle... see? Yawn-O-matic. } } Whereas `133t madskillz like BFG-hopping, IP Spoofing by hand } on the fly, and kernel hacking with cat are intriguing in } the extreme. } } Saneskillz are far more common, but, like who cares? By } definition elite skills have to be uncommon, not mundane. } } You owe the Oracle a wall-hack that works on pure servers. --- 1281-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When you are pondering my questions, what are you REALLY thinking > about that makes you take so long? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Tired of waiting for answers? } } Wait no more with Jiffy-Queue! } } [ Zadoc bounds into the kitchen. In his hand is what } looks like a frying pan, the top of which is covered } with foil. Zadoc turns on a burner and slaps the } pan down on the heat. ] } } Zadoc: I want my answer right now! } } [ The pan makes some popping sounds, the foil expands. } Zadoc pokes the foil with a fork and out pops an answer } on a cloud of hot air. ] } } Zadoc: Oh look! An answer, it reads "Yes No HELL!". } Wow, that was fast! I'm going to try another! } } [ Zadoc slaps another pan contraption on the burner. ] } } With Jiffy-Queue you get the same speedy service } and quality product you've learned to love at } drive thru restaurants! Why wait when you can } Jiffy-Queue? } } Zadoc: Oh look! It says, "Reply hazy, try again", } this is fun! } } And coming soon: Micro-Queue! Questions answered } before you finish typing them! All the convenience } of a plate of rapidly defrosted noodles with none } of the artificial flavor or coloring additives! } } Zadoc: I'll never have to wait for wisdom again! } Thank you Jiffy- Queue and soon to be } released Micro-Queue!