From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Jul 8 20:27:07 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id g6912uh09016; Mon, 8 Jul 2002 20:02:56 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 8 Jul 2002 20:02:56 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200207090102.g6912uh09016@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1272 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1272 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1272 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 08 Jul 2002 20:02:43 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1272 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1267 50 votes 17nb8 2cgf5 6dk74 3chc6 59fba 3djc3 7cca9 1ajf5 36ida 5ddf4 1267 3.1 mean 3.4 3.2 2.8 3.1 3.2 3.0 3.0 3.3 3.4 3.0 --- 1272-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most Nutritious Oracle, > > What could I can add to coffee so it will supply > all my dietary needs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Coffee has negative nutritional value -- you can start with milk and } sugar, and add: } - cereal (something that doesn't have those little hard marshmallows) } - toast w/ butter (the doctors have recanted; butter is better again) } - milk } - two oranges } - ham and eggs } - fried haddock } - a Coffinbane 1-A-Day multi-vitamin } - leftover pizza } - a leg of turkey } - a laundry hamper full of alphalpha sprouts } - a bowl of oatbran } - a half-teaspoon of monosodium phosphate } - and two glasses of filtered water. } } Despite what General Mills tells you, coffee isn't a part of a } complete breakfast. } } You owe the Oracle a cup of tea. --- 1272-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle who is supreme in all things idiotic, who is faster than a > stationary bullet, who can move mountains in his mind, who can leap > small anthills in a single bound, who can swim like a brick, fly like a > pig, can kill a man with one touch when Hell freezes over, and whose > feet really, really, stink, > > Do you actually bother to read supplicants' grovels? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Absolutely! Now don't forget to put the plaster over } the beak, not under it, and make sure you don't get } the adobe and the stucco confused or you could have } fire problems. Also, watch out for that truck. } } You owe the Oracle some Odor-Eaters, after you get out } of the ICU of course. --- 1272-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is everybody else's sky blue, but mine is a dark beige? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's just one of those LA things, you'll get used to it. } } You owe the Oracle some pine trees. --- 1272-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you ever sell anything on Ebay? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why do you think I always ask for such weird tribute? } _I_ certainly can't use all that junk. } } You owe the Oracle a drained 3.6 volt lithium ion battery. --- 1272-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most, um, oracular: > > Whatever happened to rec.humor.oracle.a, b, and c? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [ A sparklingly clean laboratory, deep below the sub-basements } of Indiana University. Along the walls are white rodents and } huge chimpanzees in cages, some of the animals are running on } exercised wheels, some of them are sleeping, most are sitting, } mouths open, starting at monitors. All have wires poking out } of their brains attaching them to bank after bank of old } discarded 286s and vats of bubbling goo. We see the Oracle } and Zadoc approaching. They are wearing white smocks and } safety glasses. ] } } Oracle: This is the Oracle Research Lab. Here we rigorously } test all of our humor before passing it along to } you, our loyal and valued customers. } } [ A light flashes over one of the rat cages. Zadoc rushes } over and peers into the cage. ] } } Oracle: Ah! Here's a tested joke now. } } Zadoc: Sorry Wisest One, it seems the rat in the next cage was } just gagging on a bit of carrot and this one was laughing } at it. } } Oracle: Ho,ho,ho. Well, before we released rec.humor.oracle.d } to the public we tried some different flavors out on } our test 'pets'. Let's see... } } [ The Oracle checks a clipboard. ] } } Oracle: rec.humor.oracle.a was monitored 24 hours a day by } a trained humorist. rec.humor.oracle.b was linked to } our bank of computers and whatever topic was being } discussed it provided humorous links... } } Zadoc: Master! This ape is tossing banana peels all over! } } Oracle: Deal with it. rec.humor.oracle.c was an international } group, we had a diverse group of talented youth selected } by talent shows held in rain forest friendly bars around } the world. } } Zadoc: WISE ONE! The apes are in a food fight! } } Oracle: Worm! I'm busy. Look, Okay here... } } [ The Oracle walks over towards Zadoc, promptly steps on a } banana peel and -kersplat!- slips and falls on his butt. } All the lights over all the cages light up. The apes all } hoot and hoot. The rodents leap about clapping their tiny } paws. The Oracle looks up from the floor towards the } supplicant. ] } } Oracle: rec.humor.oracle.d was the control group where } these, these 'charges' here selected what humor was } used. } } [ A huge glob of something spalts on the Oracle's safety } glasses. The room goes wild. ] } } Oracle: Oh, well. They do work for peanuts. } } [ All the lights go off, the room grows silent. The Oracle } shrugs then sticks his hand in his armpit and pumps it } back and forth making funny sounds. The lights all go } back on and hilarity resumes. ] } } Oracle: Why fight it? --- 1272-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please help me. I am one of the few people stuck at work today. > Apparently, I didn't get the memo that managers were not to come in. > Because no one is here, and our clients and vendors aren't in either, > there is nothing going on. I am running out of things to do. I've > already wandered the corridors aimlessly, and intimidated the people > who actually have things to do. I also been keeping an eye on the > coffee pot. I now turn to you, in a transparent attempt to amuse > myself while I'm at the office. Can you suggest something to do that > looks vaguely worklike? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1) Write "I will not show off" in Olde Englishe letters on the } chalkboard five hundred times. } 2) Stare at butts, any butts, cigarette butts, rifle butts, } co-worker butts, dog butts, until you get someone's attention. } When someone gets up the courage to ask why, tell them it } was an assignment from senior management, and since I've } been on your board of directors for five minutes with eight } thousand put options, you won't be lying. } 3) Draw said butts in a collage and send them to me as a PNG, } just in case someone calls security to verify your story. } 4) Send an anonymous e-mail to the IRS telling them that } they'll get this month's financial statement next year. } Include the same attachment you sent to me as a PNG. } 5) Remember that coffee pot you've been watching? } Go out to the street. Ask for three grams of something green and } spicy. Buy it if it smells good and sweet. Buy about 100mL of } propylene glycol (vanilla flavouring). Boil them together for } about five minutes, but avoid giving yourself away with the } resultant odour. Spike the coffee with the filtered part, } and eat the rest. } 6) Go to your boss's office (or appropriate his e-mail account, } whichever is either more prudent or practical), and send an } e-mail from it demanding that people stop masturbating in } the washrooms, and that if this practice must continue at } all, then it should be done in the privacy of your office } or cubicle. } 7) Don't forget to take copies of all his voice messaging for } an assignment you will give to stoned Enjineers. } 8) Get the Geers to take his syllables out of context to make the } following messages: } "Your ass? My office. Pronto!" } "Tell me what to lick." } "What KIND of cream would you LIKE in your coffee?" } 9) Hav them do the same kind of thing you did in #6, except } they'll randomly select only one of the messages designed } in #8. They can also pick members of senior management to... } Tell them that they're "modulating senior management". } That'll make sense when they're stoned. } 10) Buy The Internet Oracle five hundred call-options } in your public relations contractor. --- 1272-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O oracle, > > How can I increase my knowledge? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Subject: INCREASE YOUR KNOWLEDGE SIZE!! } Date: Fri, 5 Jul 2002 12:53:21 -0500 (EST) } From: bigknow } To: supplicant supplicant@127.0.0.1 } } YES! You can have a BIG Knowledge base in just 4 weeks! } Why be embarrassed by having a tiny brain when you can } have A HUGE GRAY WRINKLED BRAIN FULL OF SMARTS!! } } "It works," says Z*doc[0] "I tried those study for years } and get a degree methods. Way too much work. But with } EZ-BIG_SMART I had a big ol' brain in no time!" } } "I love a man with really, really huge knowledge base," } coos foxy babes like L*sa[0]. ALL BABES DO! } } "Whoa, I tried like expanding by mind with pscyhotropic } substances and I can't tell if my knowledge base is } bigger or not and I don't care," says K*ndai[0]. Don't } let that happen to you! Some at home methods are out } and out dangerous! } } EZ-BIG-SMART has been used by zillions, include people } so rich and famous they have lawyers so we won't mention } their names here! AND ALL IT TAKES IS FOUR WEEKS! } } And all it takes is your Credit Card number, full name } and card expiration date! } } For full info CLICK on this link: } http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/special/digestD1K.cgi } } [0] names withheld to protect privacy --- 1272-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle whose wisdom shines so brightly as to make > even those who see it out of peripheral vision squint, > he whose dead skin cells surely become objects of > worship for dust mites after flaking off, he whose spit > is scarcely inferior to liquid gold, he who surely > has shining, gleming white teeth and fresh minty > breath, he who knows the correct words for all the > symbols in the top row of the keyboard, he who is a > paragon of all that is right: > > What's up? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A preposition. --- 1272-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Two Person Deluxe Meal: Pick any three from Column A, Choose Two > from Row II, and select 8 items from List 3. ($42.23) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } --= DeLuxe Meal=-- } } ---------------+----------------------+------------------+ } Column A | Column B | Column C | } ---------------+----------------------+------------------+ } Dixie cup | half a head of | a single kernel | } of lard | iceberg lettuce | of corn | } ---------------+----------------------+------------------+ } two cubes of | teaspoon of goat | a single kernel | } sugar | eyes | of corn | } ---------------+----------------------+------------------+ } small bag | | a single kernel | } of chips | | of corn | } ---------------+ +------------------+ } | a single kernel | } | of corn | } +------------------+ } | a single kernel | } | of corn | } +------------------+ } | a single kernel | } | of corn | } +------------------+ } | a single kernel | } | of corn | } +------------------+ } } Note to Self: Do NOT allow Zadoc to pick which airline } the Oracle uses next time. --- 1272-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, whose toenail clippings contains more knowledge than I > could ever dream to aquire, please aid me. > > My wife and I are about to buy our first house, but how will we know > when we find the *right* house? I mean, this isn't a choice to make > lightly; these days so many house purchases end in early sales or > defaulted mortgages. I've liked lots of houses before, and this one > seems great - the best so far. Does that mean it's right for us? We > don't want to end up trapped with the wrong house for the rest of our > lives (or at least the next 10 years). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Top ten things you don't want to hear from your real estate agent when } you go to settlement on your new home: } } 1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's } garden." } } 2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the } ancient Indian burial ground." } } 3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but } I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet } of it." } } 4. "One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted." } } 5. "Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're not } 'killer' bees." } } 6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it } would reach as far back as your property." } } 7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the } presence of radioactivity." } } 8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice } sessions right next door?" } } 9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never } actually able to prove it was murder." } } 10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."