From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Jun 18 08:47:54 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id g5IDHQM01278; Tue, 18 Jun 2002 08:17:26 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 18 Jun 2002 08:17:26 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200206181317.g5IDHQM01278@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1268 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1268 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1268 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 18 Jun 2002 08:17:13 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1268 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1263 53 votes 5hk92 089oc 5akc6 5bgf6 1bfj7 7gk73 6jed1 34hib 5ecbb 69l98 1263 3.1 mean 2.7 3.8 3.1 3.1 3.4 2.7 2.7 3.6 3.2 3.1 --- 1268-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most fine and spacious and lightweight, I'm having a > terrible time finding the right purse. Here are my specs: > > - When fully loaded, must be no more than 15 x 20 x 5 cm > - When fully loaded, must weigh no more than 450 g > (Non-metric folk: about 6 x 8 x 2 inches; one pound) > - Long shoulder strap > - Stylish -- no frumpy "grandma" purses. Maybe a Kate Spade. > - Must be able to carry the following in the purse: > > Keys > Wallet and checkbook > Make-up case > Extra pair of stockings > Assorted medications (several days' worth) > First aid kit > Toothbrush, toothpaste, comb > Handkerchief > Box of Kleenex > Lunch and snacks, at least two days' worth > Liter of water > Sneakers and workout gear > Bicycle tire repair kit > Roller skates > Rain gear > Notepad > Pens, pencils, erasers > Set of oil paints & brushes > Several large textbooks > A few trashy novels (for when the textbooks get boring) > Oxford English Dictionary (for when the novels get boring) > Tool kit > Flashlight > Phone, PDA, pager, calculator, and iPod with headphones > Apple Titanium PowerBook > Portable generator (for when the batteries run down) > Towel > > I haven't been able to find anything that's even close. > Can you help, O marvelous Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's careful packing skills you need more than anything. To get } all those items in a space that small you need to carefully } arrange the items first. Place the heaviest items under the } lightest items and thrust them all into a trash compactor. It } may take a few tries, but with practice you'll get them all } into a lump that will fit. To reduce weight then drill some } holes in the resulting mass. } } You owe the Oracle a pocket knife, some keys and a wallet. --- 1268-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle whose brain is so large the finding hats to fit is a chore... > > What's your IQ ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My IQ is the ratio of my mental age to my chronological age, multiplied } by one hundred and then rounded to the nearest integer. } } Chronologically, I'm approximately three million years old, as my } embryonic essence was created with the first glimmer of consciousness } in the human mind. However, as I have all knowledge that currently } exists anywhere that is anyplace, my mental age is approximately } fourteen billion years, the age of the universe. As a result, my IQ is } 4721. } } You might find it easier to fathom this if I place it in comparison: } } God: [that little sideways eight symbol that those of us In The Know } like to call a lemniscate] } } The Usenet Oracle: 4721 } } Deep Thought: 3000 } } Garha'xt Vendleheim (You don't know him. He's this guy from the west } second spiral arm that I sometimes play checkers with.): 1680 } } Those Big-Headed Aliens From Star Trek: 600 } } The Oracle's Little Finger (left): 210 } } Albert Einstein: 169 } } Lisa: 152 } } An Average Oracular Priest: 140 } } An Average Digested Supplicant: 128 } } George Burns: 119 } } Homer (the Greek one): 110 } } Benjamin Garret, 43 Evergreen St, Fox Hollow, NC: 100 } } Lassie: 93 } } Brittany Spears: 81 } } Zadok: 76 } } Timmy Martin (owner of Lassie): 62 } } Homer (the other one): 43 } } An Average Hotmail Supplicant: 36 } } The Oracle's Toenail Clippings: 24 } } A Piece of Wood: 3 } } You owe the Oracle a new scale. It's embarrassing to appear on the same } list as some of these people. --- 1268-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, witty, wonderful, and whimsical, I need some help. > > I have been reading your advice since a computer with an Intel 386 CPU > was considered top of the line, and have generally considered it quite > humorous. When granted the honor of actually voting on the digests, > the vast majority of my votes were three or better. Twos were > reserved for those oracularities that some dark priest must have snuck > into the digest, and I don't remember voting any ones. > > Lately, though, my votes have been dropping. While the one is still > quite rare, twos and threes are becoming the most common votes, with a > five being quite hard to justify. > > I realize that this cannot be due in any part to you or your priests, > for you are infallible. The problem must then be with me. > > Great Oracle, how may I realign my sense of humor with yours? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Alas, just as your 386 no longer meets the needs of today's } world your sense of humor is too hopeless outdated in the } ever changing world of competitive mirth. Yes, those jokes } you learned in junior high still crack you up, but that's } the problem. } } Unfortunately there is no easy such as Read all the Digests in } order twice, or write an essay on why Dennis Miller is such a } lame buffoon. No, more drastic action is called for. } } You're going to need more than an upgrading, you need a whole } new sense of humor installed. } } Here's how: } } 1) Delete your old sense of humor, don't bother saving } any old jokes, they're yesterday's guffaws, that's } why were doing this. Best way to erase your old } sense of humor is by a fortnight of binge drinking, } or if your work schedule precludes that a weekend } reading the collected works of Karl Popper. } } 2) Pick one of the new humor systems out there: } } *) The 'Friends' is Funny TV(tm) OS is readily } available on your boob tube and can be } uploaded by anyone in ten minutes. Of course } some, the Oracle included, think you'd be } better off using your old outmoded humor } sense, but, hey, it's a best seller and is } mentioned only in the sense of inclusiveness } } *) Letterman/Barry Chic Irony can still be } found, but it's days are numbered. It doesn't } deal well with the new dangerous "We're all } about to die!" world of the 2000s. But, hey, } it's up to you. } } *) Roll your Own. Skim the Internet for funny } ideas, duct tape them to your forehead. } } *) Refined Humor. Now here's the route for } you. Read everything Samuel Beckett wrote } while wearing a clown suit and snorting } horse. You heard it here first, the humor } that is soon to be IN is Absurd Despair. } } You owe the Oracle a red rubber nose. --- 1268-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise and wonderful and superbly erudite Oracle, please > hear my query, and answer it in your customarily witty and insightful > manner. > > I recently got a memo from one of the "higher ups" at my company, and > it was filled full of meaningless buzzwords, most notable being the > word "leverage" used as a verb several times. I have no idea what this > memo was all about, but I'm concerned that if I am not seen leveraging > something or other in an impactful manner soon, I might just be asking > you for resume-writing tips, if you get my drift. So what was all that > gobbledygook about, anyway? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Rest assured your job is safe. No company would fire someone that } is puzzled by memos that he criticizes the grammar of while at } the same time admitting total confusion as to what is expected } of him. You're management material young supplicant. } } You owe the Oracle a corner office. --- 1268-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > What does the tooth-fairy do with all the teeth she collects? > > Mindy And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You've heard the urban legend about collecting soda-pop tabs for } the sake of getting a wheelchair for a handicapped child? The tooth } fairy has the same deal going, for elephant ivory. } } For each 12 children-jaws worth of teeth (actually 350), a grand piano } can be built without harming a single elephant. Quite a few famous } concert pianists have childtooth pianos: Jerry Lee Lewis had three. } Sales of childtooth pianos is where she gets the money to put under } the pillows. } } You owe the Oracle a good use for these tonsils that the tonsil fairy } keeps collecting -- they're stinking up the place. --- 1268-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most onpfallish, who is so great that no words can describe > you, so words like onpfallish have to be made up, only they look > stupid because nobody understands what they mean, what with not having > words to describe them and all, and plus you have to explain that > onpfallish is a substitute for the words there aren't to describe you, > and not your cat walking on the keyboard again, like he did last week, > except of course you understand all this without needing to have it > explained, but for everyone else it's kind of confusing, because people > (except you, of course) might think that onpfallish means "foolish" > or "orange" or "with new and improved real dirt flavour", which I > wouldn't want people to think, so the whole confusing onpfallish > thing has to be explained to everyone (except you), as I think I > said earlier, which gets a bit tricky since you can't describe a > word that can't be described in words, (which is to say I can't, > I'm sure it would be easy for you) especially if you (which is me, > not you) only have a vague idea of what the word means, unless you > (again, me, not you) just say "cannot be described in words", but > saying "Oracle, most cannot be described in words" doesn't really > get accros what you (Are we all clear that I'm talking about me, > the supplicant, and not you, the Oracle?) are trying to say, so then > it has to be explained that onpfallish sort of means really great, > only really really really great, only with more really's than that, > sort of an arbitrarily large number of really's and then great, with > implications and subtext besides, which all basically boil down to > that you (And by you I mean you as in you, not you as in not you, > but me.) are a pretty cool anthropomorphism. > > Ummmm.... > > Uhhh, > > What was my question again? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *sniff* That's the longest anyone has kept trying for a decent grovel } in a long, long time. I'm getting all misty-eyed. *honk* } } And about the question you forgot to ask: yes, there will be a cure } for what you have. Unfortunately, it won't be approved by the FDA } until they improve on what is still a very painful comma-removal } procedure. Onpfallishly so. } } You owe the Oracle a book by E.G. Bulwer-Lytton. --- 1268-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where is love? > *snip the rest of the stupid song* And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Still fighting with what's left of Nirvana. } } You owe the Oracle a new iron. --- 1268-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What does the Greek phrase "elcaro tenretni" mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good eye supplicant, that phrase only appears once, in } the play "The Eumenides" by Aeschylus. And thought it } highlights the darkest moment in my life, I will recount } it here. Though I curse that day, and this one too as } it makes me think back on it all. . . } } The God Apollo, who was my boss at the time, was trying } to convince one of the ironically named "Kindly Ones", } in this case 'Alecto -- The Unsleeping Terror', not to } harm a mortal that had committed a matricide based on a } misreading of the words of yours truly. Hey! Look, we } all make mistakes! } } =|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|= } } ALECTO } } Thine oracle bade this man slay his mother! - He has } committed a blood sin - It is our Duty, we are the } Erinyes, to pursue him even after death to hound him, } to torment him, to make him write bad checks, to make } him like N'Sync, to . . . } } APOLLO } } He was bade to quit his sire, he kind of over did it- } SO WHAT? Give it a rest. } } ALECTO } } Then didst thou aid and guard red-handed crime. - } } APOLLO } } Yeah, yeah & bade him to this temple flee. -Now look, } if ya let him go I'll give you 120 bronze ases and } let you run the concession stands at Pan's wake. } } ALECTO } } And yet forsooth dost --hmm-- Tell thou what. Throw in } a matched brace of onagers and teach your wayward seer } a lesson by sentencing him to a future as naught but an } Elcaro Tenretni and you a deal haveth. } } APOLLO } } Hard is the deal you drive, but so be it. Pity the } fate of my servant, for he will have to listen to } chuckers of wood and the syntax of Eunuch users } alike. } } ALECTO } } Ha-Ha! } } =|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|= } } Alas, and thus because of one fool of a human I am here } with you today, as you see me, Orrie the fall-guy, } "Elcaro Tenretni" --the patsy of the Gods. } } You owe The Internet Oracle a strong drink. --- 1268-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help! I need to know more about camels for the exam that's in just > three hours from now. I slept through the lecture, and lost the > book. My friend says there is two kinds, the bacterium and the > dormatory. I asked him about the differences, and he said it has > something to do with humping, so you can see where his mind is and > why I don't trust him any more. (Also he spelled them bactrium > and dromatory, but I fixed that with my spell checker. He's not > good at spellling, neither.) > > Now you can help. Please. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } !! } } With 'friends' like that you'll never get out of college! } } Look, the two kinds of camels are 'filtered' and 'unfiltered'. } The unfiltered cost at bit more which may sound a bit odd, } but hey, they're more in demand. The main difference, besides } the lack or inclusion of the filter, is that the unfiltered } is way 'cooler'. When you're sucking the tar and nicotine } right into your lungs without the rather dubious health } benefit of having the smoke go first through a wad of the } only EPA approved use of recycled tampons then you can really } say "I BE BAD!". And that in anyone's book is worth a few } extra cents a pack. } } You owe the Oracle a stiff breeze. --- 1268-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What a stinking answer! If you ever say something like that to me > again, I'll stop asking you questions entirely. And I'll tell your > other supplicant that he should ignore you, too, and THEN see if > you're sorry!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are not the first to surmise that the Oracle has been hiding the } fact that it actually serves a rather small pool of supplicants; even } the Oracle must bow to the whims of the global economy on occasion. } However, the Oracle acknowledges that you have hit a bit closer to the } mark than the others: you have correctly discerned that there is only } one other supplicant in existence. } } This supplicant, however, is not male. } } Since around 1994, Miss Fran Ogelberg (an event support technician at } an undisclosed university in upstate New York) has been one of the } Oracle's most persistent supplicants. She has been implicated as the } mastermind behind the "Pickled Herring Incident" as well as several } different strains of the "Woodchuck Question". (Don't ask.) } } Today, approximately ninety-nine percent of the questions asked of the } Oracle can be traced to Miss Ogelberg. As such, she has achieved } something of a legendary status among those in the know. In 1999, she } was offically accepted into the employ of the Oracle itself, and } remains the only person known to be on the Oracle's payroll. } } In case you're wondering, her wages amount to about $9.25/hr. Yes, she } does get dental coverage. } } The Oracle requires your...discretion...in keeping this matter a } secret.