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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1254
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=== 1254 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1254
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 17 Mar 2002 16:15:09 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
    1254
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1249  56 votes 79kh3 afec5 feha0 6akc8 2b8hi bpe51 4bgk5 7dl96 99ic8 4akbb
1249  3.0 mean  3.0   2.8   2.4   3.1   3.7   2.3   3.2   2.9   3.0   3.3

--- 1254-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Most Promethean and well-watered Oracle,
>
> Why did they build Las Vegas in the middle of a desert and
> not some place more pleasant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Las Vegas may be a desert now but you are thinking in those puny mortal
} time frames again.  Shame on you.  Back around 300 B.C., a couple of
} Greek frat boys got drunk with their dates and stole a galley to have a
} little "love cruise."  In their booze-induced haze they managed to take
} a wrong turn at Gibraltar, got totally lost and wouldn't ask for
} directions.  By morning they found themselves on the shores of what is
} now Las Vegas (You knew Vegas was once accessible by sea right?  The
} airline industry had the canal filled in.)  Seeing as how all the Greek
} boys knew how to do was party, they set up a house, filled it with
} booze and partied every night.  This activity attracted many fellow
} partiers and soon a whole section of the settlement became known as the
} Greek Row, in honor of the Greeks voyage.  Soon stripping was invented
} and the name of the area quickly changed to reflect the new local
} pasttime.
}
} So you see, as with most things, guys who can't hold their liquor had
} something to do with it.
}
} Little known fact about the name "Las Vegas":  It is actually taken
} from the Roman "Lasidius Vegamaximus" which is derived from the Greek
} "Lasphilium Vegasamphora" which can be traced to the Latin phrase
} "Veni, Vidi, Vegas" (loosely translated: "I came, I saw, I got
} plastered, lost all my money and had a $1.50 All-You-Can-Eat shrimp
} buffet with a stripper named 'Krystal.'").  Man, those Latins knew how
} to party.
}
} You owe the Oracle one more night with Krystal.

--- 1254-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Cerebral Oracle, you are inventive, lissome and chary, you who
> takes responsibility for your own actions, even when they are not
> your fault
>
> Does he know he's marrying his aunt?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant, you have obviously found the only remaining copy
} of Robert Towne's long-lost screenplay for the sequel to the 1974
} movie "Chinatown".
}
} In this version, Fay Dunaway's character, Evelyn Cross Mulwray, gets
} married to and has a son with Jack Nicholson's character, Jake Gittes.
} This son, Billy Gittes, then meets and falls in love with the daughter
} of Katherine Cross, Evelyn's sister/daughter.
}
} Unknown to everyone except the audience, that daughter was the product
} of a one-night stand between Jake Gittes and Katherine Cross which
} occurred in the opening scene of Townes' original and brilliantly
} satirical screenplay.
}
} The whole love hexagon (far more complex than a love triangle) comes
} apart as the Cross family attempts to monopolize farmland in Orange
} County California in the early 1950's before Walt Disney snaps it
} all up to build a theme park.  As the climax occurs in the pirates
} lagoon of the nearly completed park, the tentative title of the film
} was "Cutthroat Island".
}
} Thus Billy is marrying his sister, his aunt and his cousin all rolled
} up in one.  To further complicate matters, Billy finds out he is not
} only his own uncle but a second cousin to himself, which bring forth
} that memorable line of dialogue in the climax to the film, "I'm my
} cousin, I'm my uncle!".
}
} Though the screenplay was lost, the working title became an in-joke
} in Hollywood for decades; it was eventually used for another film
} starring (to be kind) Geena Davis and Matthew Modine, which won the
} pretigous Shreveport LA Film Festival award by bribing the judges
} with 50 lbs of steamed crawfish and a case of hot sauce.
}
} Most critics believe that the reason this sequel was never greenlighted
} was because director Roman Polanski changed Towne's ending in the
} original screenplay for "Chinatown" to kill off the Katherine Cross
} character, but the true reason was that both screenplays too closely
} resembled Polanski's real life.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation for why "Star Wars Episode II,
} Attack of the Clones" needs to exist.  Plus 5 percent of the grosses,
} the Oracle may be snootier about film than Pauline Kael, but he
} isn't stupid!

--- 1254-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most libidinous,
>
> Where's a good place to get laid in North Dakota?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On the farm, with all the other chicks.
}
} You owe the Oracle a well-insulated henhouse.

--- 1254-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, thou who knows exactly what second a clock will stop at
> when it finally wears out, and whether the hands will be arranged in an
> amusing 'smiley face' pattern, pray tell me.
>
> I've just been playing around on Google groups, and have found that if
> you type in a date some time in the future, that it returns articles
> that will be written at that time.
>
> Is there any way that I can use this feature for amusement and profit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed, ever since the technology was invented in the late 1800's,
} mucking about with the universe's timeline for fun and profit has had a
} wide, if secret, cult following.  Regardless of how you are
} reading/changing the future, be it by time machine, calling the psychic
} hotline, or setting a future date in Google Groups, you will be fine as
} long as you follow these simple rules:
}
} 1.) Never, ever, no matter how attractive they may seem, go back in
}  time and sleep with an ancestor.  Nor should you give them a family
}  heirloom, teach them a future song, or do any other thing which causes
}  a weird loop with no beginning or end in the time-space continuum.
}
} 2.) Usually referred to as "McFly's Law:" If, while traveling through
}  time, you are referred to as a chicken, you are obliged to do whatever
}  you are being dared to do.
}
} 3.) Do not let more than a handful of people know you're a time
}  traveler, lest you spoil it for the rest of us.
}
} 4.) Whenever you are predicting the future, be sure to make a sound
}  like a cheap UFO sound effect, preferably "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."
}
} 5.) Try to avoid self-fulfilling prophecies.  They will make your head
}  hurt.
}
} With this in mind, you have everything you need in order to succeed
} with your newfound hobby.  Oh, and rememeber: if you want to really
} piss off a psychic, just remember to insult them 30 seconds from now
} unless they get mad at you before that.  It'll make their head hurt
} something awful.
}
} You owe the oracle a delorian.

--- 1254-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Last night I had a very frightening and disturbing dream. I dreamt that
> you, the mighty, magnificent Oracle whose name makes me tremble with
> fear was a .... bunny rabbit. Please tell me it isn't so.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And why not? You don't seem to have grasped the philosophical
} implications of omniscience. Knowing all things, the Oracle must, in a
} very real sense, actually *be* all things. This means that I am
} simultaneously a rabbit, a duck-billed platypus, a tyrannosaurus rex,
} an E Coli bacterium, a w**dch*ck, an 8-track tape player, a keyfob
} with a suggestive slogan, a packet of Marlboro extra lights, that
} thing for getting stones out of horses' hooves on a swiss army knife,
} and countless billions of other things.
}
} This, however, is not the cause of your odd dream. You have been
} queue-draining. When you act as an incarnation of the Oracle, a tiny
} piece of the Oracle's omniscient wisdom is transferred into your puny
} human mind at the same instant as the "askme" arrives in your inbox.
} Normally, this contains precisely sufficient wit and wisdom to give
} the perfect answer, but for questions of a particularly inane type,
} there may be a small surplus which dissipates naturally over the next
} few hours. This surplus can accumulate, however, if too many "askme"s
} are attempted in too short a time, particularly if the incarnation's
} answers are especially fatuous.
}
} The result is a very mild case of residual prescience, and in your
} case this has allowed you to see dimly into your own future, to your
} next life, where you are slated to be a rabbit on the Argentinian
} pampas.
}
} But don't worry! You're going to love it! You're going to have much
} more sex than you've had in your human life (OK, that's not too hard,
} I know, but believe me, you're going to have *lots* of sex as a
} rabbit). Food is really easy to find, and quite delicious, and you'll
} never have to shave *anywhere*. And anyway, it's not going to happen
} for, oh, weeks yet.
}
} I'd pass on the eating-your-own-droppings bit, though, if I were you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bunny-hug.

--- 1254-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How many different people use the Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No one uses the Oracle!
}
} Lisa: Hey, give me your credit card.  I need to go shopping.
} Oracle: I don't think that's a goo...
} Lisa: Don't make me come over there.
} Oracle: Yes dear.
}
} Like I was saying.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation for the $357.64 change on his credit
} card bill.

--- 1254-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I would like to stay in a nice hotel tonight instead of the street.
> Will you buy my bicycle for 5 euros?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It had been a glorious week. We had dined upon the finest food
} the Mediterranean area could offer. The canals of Venice had never
} appeared so lovely. The moon as seen from a gondola appears somehow
} more large and romantic. Yes, it was a great vacation. Indiana seems
} many miles from here.  *Correction* - Indiana IS many miles from here.
}
} I took her arm. "What else would you like to do tonight before we
} -- retire?"
}
} "Hmmm", Lisa purrs, "You've pampered me so much, Orrie dear, I really
} hate to ask anything else."
}
} "But."
}
} Lisa looked at me, anxiously, "Well, I'd love to take a stroll
} through the streets. It's so pretty out and ...", looking down,
} shuffling one foot, "it'd really be romantic."
}
} There it was. Romantic. The whole week and she's still looking for
} "romantic". Oh well.
}
} "Very well." After paying the gondolier - too much (I *KNOW* the
} exchange rate - you'll regret trying to steal from me, Mr. Hutetti.
} Expect several cysts soon.), we began wandering through the streets.
} Lisa began to lay her head on my shoulder, leaning more and more on me.
} Suddenly, from out of the alleyway, a bum spoke out,
}
} > I would like to stay in a nice hotel tonight instead of the street.
} > Will you buy my bicycle for 5 euros?
}
} Tempted though I am to just send *poof* him to another part of
} the city (preferably into one of the canals), instead I decide to
} be magnanimous.  "Here you are my good man. Keep your bicycle _AND_
} these 5 euros."
}
} *Ma-whoomp*
}
} Standing next to the bum are Kofi Annan, Lionel Jospin, Ljube
} Boskovski, David Blunkett, and Slobodan Milosevic.
}
} "B-But!", the bum calls out, "wait!!"
}
} "No, no. No need to thank me, I'm about to receive my thanks from
} Lisa here."
}
} "But, I asked ..."
}
} "True. I *always* exact tribute for my services." I turn and look
} full at the bum.
}
} "You owe the Oracle a request for five Americans."

--- 1254-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Most efficient and blindingly fleet Oracle,
>
> Why does the room that is so hard to enter have
> writing all over the walls?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Read it and you will find the answer:
}
} At your back: you can read what you may have done.
} At your left side, what people think you must do.
} At you right, what you want to do.
} Top: your fears.
} Botton: what you have. Your ground.
} At your front, your future: a white wall. Go and write there.

--- 1254-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I've benn hearing a lot about something calle paperview, recently and
> most of the people I heard whispering about it said you could do it
> on television. My question now, oh most wise Oracle, is, why should i
> want to watch paper on T.V.? Is the program not boring enough as it is?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's just take a look and see what's on shall we?
}
} <click>
}
} Announcer:  ...signed by All of the Beatles, and three other people
} that claim to be the mysterious 5th member.... Next we have a
} Napkin that Julia Roberts smudged her lipstick on from the set of
} "Pretty Woman".  Lovely, isn't it....This rare item is a cardboard
} box used to move Jimmy Carter's Old College notebooks when his term
} at the whitehouse ended....Next is a very fascinating set of items.
} It is collection of Origami figures representing characters from the
} movie "Alien."...and now the Magna Carta...
}
} <click>
}
} I suggest you read a book instead....perhaps one online.
}
} You owe the Oracle some parchment.

--- 1254-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I said to you, "Oracle, why do you hide
>  Singing 'Willow, titwillow, titwillow'?"
> "Is it weakness of intellect, Orrie?" I cried,
> "Or a rather tough worm in your little inside?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE:
} I am the very model of a multi-user Oracle
} I answer all my supplicants with stories allegorical
} At times your questions stump me, but it's only temporarily
} I tend to mention "You owe me..." or woodchuck (customarily)
} I know that I'm omniscient, I'm admittedly a know-it-all
} I know the minds of women and the capital of Senegal
} I answer questions by the ton, I never leave them incomplete
} Although at times I have to crash and get a little byte to eat
}
} ALL:
} Although at times he has to crash and get a little byte to eat
} Although at times he has to crash and get a little byte to eat
} Although at times he has to crash and get a little byte to eat
}
} In short, in questions literal, fantastic, or rhetorical,
} He is the very model of a multi-user Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sugar-coated buttercup.