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From: Internet Oracle <oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu>
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1251
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=== 1251 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1251
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 25 Feb 2002 09:35:20 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
    1251
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1246  55 votes 69kg4 8kh82 27ij9 76cic 4bjf6 5gl85 7ji92 bbl93 37hhb 8em83
1246  3.0 mean  3.1   2.6   3.5   3.4   3.1   2.9   2.6   2.7   3.5   2.7

--- 1251-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Most Swayze and Thrice-Blessed Oracle..
>
> You wanna go out for coffee or something?
> Y-you seem...really cool and, you know, omniscience - definitely a
> turon. Oh, but you know that, I guess.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're really sure that you want to go out with an omniscient
} being on a date? Let's just fill you in on what that would
} really be like.
}
} [Scene: The Oracle and a young female supplicant are sitting
}  at a coffee bar].
}
} TO: So, tell me something about yourself.
}
} YFS: (giggles) There's not really much to say.
}
} TO: But, didn't you spend five hours last night practicing your
} conversation with a melon propped up on the back of a chair?
}
} YFS: (flustered) ...... I might have.
}
} TO: (raises eyebrows) I liked the fried eggs as eyes by the
} way. Nice touch.
}
} YFS: Oh all right then, I did. But why did you ask?
}
} TO: Oh the usual. Being impolite's no fun if you're such a
} famous and well-known being, as well as packing a Zot wand,
} that no-one dares look even slightly annoyed. So, how many
} children were you hoping that we'd have.
}
} YFS: WHAT? We're on our first date, and you're talking
} children? Are you out of your mind? Oracle or not!
}
} TO: So, you didn't decide on 'Paul', 'Elliot', 'Tony', and
} 'Jessica' then?
}
} YFS: (blushes) .... shall we order the wine?
}
} TO: Of course. Waiter, what would you recommend?
}
} Waiter: I'd recommend the Chateau Rothschild '72.
}
} TO: Perhaps you would. But, personally I would have been
} a bit more careful than the Rothschilds about letting
} recently fired workers depart through the vinery with a
} full bladder than the Rothschilds myself.
}
} YFS: (green) ..... I think I'll just have a mineral
} water.
}
} Waiter: Of course. We have Perrier, or Evian.
}
} TO: Either choice has a ...
}
} YFS: STOP! STOP! Don't say anything, just let me drink the
} water in ignorance.
}
} TO: All right. Nice dress.
}
} YFS: Oh, this old thing? I just threw it on.
}
} TO: After spending all saturday searching for just the right
} dress at all the boutiques, non?
}
} YFS: ... I might have ...
}
} TO: And you had no fewer than three of your best friends
} along to help you.
}
} YFS: ... I might have ...
}
} TO: And you flew one of these friends in from the East
} Coast especially.
}
} YFS: ... I might have ...
}
} TO: And all three of these friends are listening into
} this conversation right now and giving you advice via that tiny
} earphone you're wearing.
}
} YFS: ... They might be ...
}
} TO: And you really wanted to go on a date with me?
}
} YFS: ........ I'm starting to see your point. But, what woman
} could resist a date with the Internet Oracle?
}
} TO: Chastity Bono?
}
} YFS: Surely not even her.
}
} TO: What? And give up the date she's on with Lisa?
}
} YFS: You know, you're right. This is the very worst date I've
} ever been on. I can't tell you about myself. I can't impress
} you. I can't eat food or drink without being told what human
} byproducts might be in the food. I've been completely
} humiliated. The only good thing is that this date can't
} possibly get any worse.
}
} TO: (raises eyebrows)
}
} Waiter: Your check, Sir.
}
} TO: Young supplicant?
}
} YFS: (weary) Yes?
}
} TO: You owe The Oracle ..... (reads scribble on bill) ......

--- 1251-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> Is okay if we pretend to be evil for a while, just until
> we get to someplace safe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, that sounds like fun.
} Would you like a puff from my cigarette?  Okay, then I'll just throw
} it out the window.  Check out my new subwoofer.  Now everyone in a one
} mile radius notices me.  They all stare, so they must be impressed.
} It looks like there's enough room between the cars in the next lane
} for me to get over.  No time for a turn signal!  Alright, we're here.
} My CRX deserves two parking spots, don't you think?  I've got a
} few minutes to light up again while we're waiting to buy tickets.
} That'll be nice for the other people in line who can't afford their
} own smokes.  It's our turn; what did you want to see?  Yes, I'm sure
} I want to take this infant I'm babysitting to see In The Bedroom.
} Don't worry, if she screams her head off for more than ten minutes
} straight I'll pick her up and stand next to the people in the back row.
} I think they'll understand.  Babies cry.  Who doesn't understand that?
} ...  That movie was stupid.  And what's with those people shushing me?
} Who do they think they are?  If they don't like going to the movies
} they can wait for the DVD.  Finally, Blockbuster is going to stop
} stocking those widescreen movies.  If you don't hack off a third of
} the picture, how is it going to fill up my entire screen?
} For lack of a better narrative tool, let me read you my to-do list for
} the next week:
} - Grow a little patch of hair under my lower lip.
} - Call the radio station every day and request the song they already
}   play most anyway.
} - Get right in front of someone going up the stairs and go real slow.
}   If no one is close behind me, stop and tie my shoes until someone
}   comes.
} - Deny gold medal to Canadian figure skaters to make up for some
}   perceived past wrong; it's not like they have nukes.  So I'll have to
}   send someone else to buy maple syrup.
} - Force the director of the film I'm producing to pick a character and
}   kill him or her off at the end with an arbitrary, randomly-selected
}   disease that doesn't make the actor look too sick because stars don't
}   like that.  Isn't that the only way movies are supposed to end?
} - Carry a magic marker with me so I can add apostrophe's on sign's
}   everywhere where they don't belong, and, commas too.
} - Don't bolt the door to the restroom stall I'm using so that when
}   someone sees an obviously open door and walks in I can yell at him
}   like it's his fault for not knocking on an obviously open restroom
}   stall door.
}
} Enough!  Stop the evil!  It's not fun anymore.
}
} You owe the Oracle a utopia where everyone follows my perfectly
} reasonable rules.

--- 1251-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, I used to be a computer geek until my geek license
> expired.  Now I don't know what to do, so I come to you, on
> bended elbow, grovelling with my face tucked beneath my knee,
> to ask your advice.  What should I do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I must say that this is a pickle, and comes at a most inopportune time.
} Since the internet boom I have to be careful who I give geek licenses
} out to, because I suddenly had card-carrying members who thought that
} TyPiNg LiKe ThIs and blink tags were "kewl." And don't get me started
} on the widespread misuse of colons and close peretheses. Oh, you can
} blame the bottom falling out of the technology industry on economics,
} overvaluing of stocks, and corporate in-fighting, but without giving
} anything away, I have one thing to say: Zot.
}
} Anyway. What I'm saying is that we need to be more discerning, so we've
} upped the standards a little. Please print out this entrance exam and
} submit it to Geek Licensing Bureau, Attention Orrie:
}
} --------------------------------------------------------
} GEEK LICENSING ENTRANCE EXAM
}
} 1. Point where the manual is located in your office. State the last
} time you read it.
}
} 2. A coworker, probably male, wearing a suit, and who has just come
} back from vacation in Borneo and has parked his PT Cruiser in your
} parking space, comes toward your desk with a big smile on his face. He
} only ever asks you about Outlook. You:
} a) Hide under your desk.
} b) Wonder what he wants.
} c) Put on your big headphones and pretend not to hear him.
} d) Wordlessly hand him the Outlook Troubleshooting Sheet for Retards
} that you made four months ago from a giant pile on your desk that sits
} under a sizeable that says "Help Yourself."
}
} 3. Did you find the "help yourself" bit in Question 2 humourous? Why or
} why not?
}
} 4. Name the executive whom you would most like to hoof in the nads.
} Explain why.
}
} 5. True or false: Cobol rocks.
}
} 6. Tick all statements that apply to you:
} _ Caffeine is bad for you.
} _ GodDAMN my wrists hurt.
} _ Linux is difficult and not worth the effort.
} _ Unemployed.
} _ Decaf is for non-believers.
}
} 7. Define the following:
} - 1337
} - verbing the noun
} - pr0n
} - lUser
} - r00t
}
} 8. Describe your reaction in the following situation: LAN party.
} Kicking some red team ass. All wired and planning on playing until your
} eyes bleed. Cell phone rings, and you know it's your significant other
} asking when you're going to be home. Do you:
} a) Hit the power button and run home.
} b) Answer it with a canned 'Yes dear', make an excuse and go home.
} c) Drop your cell phone in your Jolt.
} d) Sit back and enjoy the vibration.
}
} EXTRA CREDIT:
}
} Write the date in metric.

--- 1251-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WHAT? SPEAK UP!
}
} I'M NOT SURE IF I CAN ANSWER ANY LOUDER THAN THIS! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO
} PICK UP SOME MILK AND A LOAF OF MULTI-GRAIN BREAD ON THE WAY HOME
} TONIGHT OTHERWISE THERE WILL BE WHAT-FOR TO PAY!
}
} HUH?
}
} YES, A JUG OF MILK! M-I-L-K!  THE STUFF THAT YOU GET FROM COWS! NO! NOT
} GROUND BEEF! MILK! MICHAEL, IDEA, LARRY, KILO!
}
} NO, YOUR WIFE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO BRING YOUR FRIENDS MICHAEL AND LARRY
} HOME FOR DINNER. SHE CAN'T STAND LARRY AS IT IS. JUST MILK AND BREAD!
}
} BREAD! NO, NOT A SLED! God, how the heck is your wife going to make
} sandwiches with a sled...BREAD! MADE FROM WHEAT! NO, NOT SHEEP!
}
} MAKE SURE IT'S MULTI-GRAIN! NO, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THERE'S NO SUCH
} THING AS MULTI-GRAIN SHEEP! SHE WANTS BREAD! SHE NEEDS IT TONIGHT! FOR
} CHRISSAKES, GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER. WORK WITH ME HERE. A LOAF
} OF BREAD AND A JUG OF MILK! GOT IT?
}
} Oh, I give up...YES, YES, THAT IT. YES...GOODBYE.
}
} Zadoc, would you please let Mrs. Patrick know to expect loads of men
} and several jogging elk for dinner tonight? Thank you.

--- 1251-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Is this the end for our plucky heroes? Can Zadoc prevent the Automatic
> Queue Draining device from activating? Can Kendai escape from the evil
> clutches of the mysterious Hook? Will the Woodchucks chew through the
> wooden wall protecting Og and Thag before they can retrieve the Zot
> Staff? Will Lisa wake up in time to watch her favorite T.V. show? And
> can we possibly fit another in-joke into this question?
>
> Tune in next week to find out!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle snaps his fingers. Zadoc steps forward and turns
} off VCR.
}
} The Oracle turns his chair around so that he is no longer
} looking out the huge window with its palatial view of the
} courtyard below. Across the huge oak desk from the Oracle
} sits a nervous man in a dark suit, sweating. Zadoc takes
} the demo tape out of the VCR and drops in on to the man's
} lap.
}
} "This is not the route we care to follow here at Answering
} Entertainment Industries Oracle Universal" the Oracle says
} slowly. "True, the soap opera novella genre is one we have
} not fully exploited here. It requires the readers to stay
} up on the every life event of each character. We like things
} people can pick up, read and guffaw instantly with no prior
} training."
}
} The man squirms noticeably.
}
} "But all is not lost here. I have a business partner over
} in our isolation ward, Section .d, who might be able to use
} this. Let me give him a call, what did you say your name was?"
}
} "You may call me Captain H", says the man as he raises a
} curiously gloved hand.
}
} The Oracle looks noticeably alarmed.
}
} KER-CRASH! CLInk!clink!Trinkle-cling,ping!
}
} The plate glass window behind the Oracle shatters as a
} neanderthal smashes through it, followed by a MIME swinging
} a lemur by its tail, a transvestite lugging a blue ice cooler
} is behind them mumbling something about igloos, overhead
} a starship with a huge number forty-two painted on it is
} hovering ominously, from it scab covered squids are dropping
} to the pavement below, where the splat most unceremoniously.
}
} The Oracle hits the intercom, "Security! In-joke outbreak
} magnitude 4. Repeat In-jo..."
}
} His words were cut short as a marmot of great size grabs
} the phone from his hands and -chucks- it out the window.
}
} Zadoc flys across the room and with a double back flip kick
} levels the marmot. The other injokes, except Og who is eating
} the stuffing out of a chair, form a circle around Zadoc.
}
} "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEya!" shouts Zadoc as he performs
} a triple whirling gyro death cobra-copter slash attack.
}
} "OW! Ergh! Erf!" groan the in-jokes as the fall to the floor
} in bloody heaps.
}
} "H" bolts out for the door. Zadoc raises a throwing star, each
} razor tip of which glistens with poison, and aims it at the
} fleeing back of "H". The Oracle stays Zadoc's hand.
}
} "Let him go," says the Oracle. "We may need to make a sequel."

--- 1251-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, most singsong,
>
> What shall we do with the drunken sailor, early in the morning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Put him in the longboat 'til he's sober,
} Put him in the longboat 'til he's sober,
} Put -
}
} What? What do you mean the Aegis Cruiser doesn't have a longboat?
}
} Oh heck, just give him the helm of an oil tanker.

--- 1251-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Warm and fuzzy Oracle,
>
> Have you ever charged someone to sleep in your spare bedroom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only President Lincoln.
}
} That's when I told him, "Were it not for my little jokes, I could not
} bear the burdens of this office."  He later plagiarized it ... the
} bastard.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cure for Stove Top Hat Head.

--- 1251-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Where's all this crosstalk coming from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Occasionally, e-mail accounts may sometimes get wired into each
} other at the ISP. However, this is very rare and unlikely to happen
} to any Oracular communicBob, can you make it to the hike friday?
} I need you to send me HOT NUDE GIRLZ WITH seven different websites
} that w1ll hax0r j00z t0m0rr0w unl3$$ j00 pay only $799 a month for six
} hundred email addresses!  Really works! Make money from your toilet,
} and it's a mess? Get EX-LAX from Mexico!
}
} As I said before, online crosstalk is rare. Sometimes, several emails
} may be crossed, but this is even rarer.
}
} The rather common telephone crosstalk is caused by bad wiring- to
} fix this, you have two choices:
}
} 1. Call the phone company and ask them to fix it. They will send three
} workmen to open up your walls and damage your funiture. They will
} leave in a week, leaving behind a bill for $200.00 and worse crosstalk.
}
} 2. Move to somewhere that doesn't have crosstalk as badly.
}
} You owe the Oracle an email address that does not get spam.

--- 1251-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh, Oh wise Oracle, who waxes but never wanes, whos giant feet have put
> all speculation of manliness to rest, who can recite every RFC by
> heart, do not cast your awful gaze upon me! I should not be looked at
> by one of such grace and majesty. My skin burns with the purity of the
> light reflected from your pupils. My spleen has elected to wait outside
> in the corridor. No words should cross my foul tongue in your presence,
> but I must ask a question!
>
> What happens to the other 16 pins in a 25-9 serial adaptor? It must be
> awfully crowded in there...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, it's really nice that every once in a while I get a decent
} grovel that doesn't have me reaching for the old ZOT staff purely on
} grammatical grounds.
}
} Well, those extra 16 pins, don't actually do ANYTHING at all.  That's
} right, all they are is just a bunch of free-loading, useless,
} drain-on-society pins.
}
} So by now you're probably asking, "why am I paying for all these
} useless pins?".  Well, it's actual part of a government-sponsored
} unemployment scheme.  Yes, with the best of intentions, the government
} has worked out yet another spectacular work program for the unemployed.
} These poor, underprivileged, unemployed pins get on the job training,
} without actually taking away jobs from the 9 pins already employed.
}
} You owe the Oracle a length of rope.  You know how much.

--- 1251-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Where the white women at?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's at times like these when a Mime does in fact speak,
} that you realize what A Good Thing it is that most of
} the time they don't.
}
} You owe the Oracle anything expect a glass box.