From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Feb 19 14:59:37 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.44) id g1JJVP723940; Tue, 19 Feb 2002 14:31:25 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 19 Feb 2002 14:31:25 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200202191931.g1JJVP723940@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1250 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1250 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1250 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 19 Feb 2002 14:31:12 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1250 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1245 50 votes 3did3 3cq63 2cfc9 8feb2 2ela3 38dga 11anf 22cld 12chi 9cg94 1245 3.3 mean 3.0 2.9 3.3 2.7 3.0 3.4 4.0 3.8 4.0 2.7 --- 1250-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, I Hearken to your Mighty Words! > > I believe that Simon, my company's sole sysadmin is going > slowly insane. At first, we all put it down to "normal" > Unix-guy zaniness, but as time went on, his eccentricity > started to take on a ... darker ... aspect. Lately, Simon > has started to enforce password-rotation policies. He was > once overheard in the server room late at night chirping > "This is a unix system! I can do this!", then laughing a > terrible, frightening laugh. The next day, all programs > running on the server crashed and wouldn't come back up > for hours. When pressed, he mumbled something about > "inodes" and said not to worry, he "probably" had made > tape backups. This delivered with a smug maybe-I'm- > bluffing-but-how-would-YOU-know smile. > > It's almost as if Simon has started to ... well, it's hard > to say this, but ... I think he now ... *hates* *users*. > > Help! What can we do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Noble Supplicant, } } You are indeed fortunate that the job market is an "employer's market" } at the present time. You obviously need to replace Simon; here's } how to do it with Kkw9a3iu6 sa43;lw; =##9 446wlflw2ms;fds; w89 ;sdn34i8 } } --- 1250-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most well-informed Oracle, a single synapse from whom is like > Einstein compared to my entire brain, whose knowledge knows no bounds, > please tell me: > > What would a programming language be like that used only the GOTO > statement And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Jumpier than a coffee-drinking kangaroo on a pogo stick. } } You owe the Oracle a double latte and a straw. --- 1250-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > What will the astronaut from India do when he gets to the moon in 2005? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Obviously, worship the cow that jumped over it, years earlier. } } Your owe the Oracle one cat and a fiddle. --- 1250-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, I can't understand it. Why isn't it called pornography if it's > on the news? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because it's called the weather -- Cindy? } } Thanks Orrie! It will be sunny and mild in southern California, with } highs in the mid 70's. Hotter in Phoenix with highs in the upper 80's, } cooler in San Francisco with drizzle and mid 40's. New England is } overcast with highs in the low 60's in New York and Boston. } } But the real action is in the Midwest. As you can see its really } getting WET, with no end in sight to the rains. The Mississippi is } threatening to spill over its levees any minute! Oooooh! Yeah! } The rushing waters are pushing pushing pushing HARD against the } sandbag walls. Mmmmmm, baby! Every drop of rain is driving it } CLOSER and CLOSER to the edge! Oh God! I think it's... it's... } Ooooohhhhhh yes! Yes! The dam burst! Oh yeah! Let your water run } all over that floodplain, you dirty river! You know you want it! } That's it! Oh God... Yes! YES! YES!!!!! } } Back to you Orrie. --- 1250-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The doors to the temple swing open, and in walk two men in pinstripe > suits, black shirts, white tie, and sunglasses. They peer about as > they approach the all-seeing throne of the oracle, whispering and > chuckling. The first says, "Guido! Look at dis!" > > The one identified as Guido peers as the first one swings the computer > terminal around. "Nunzio! Don't touch dat. We's don' want to, like, > mess nutin' up here wid dis nice man." > > They approach the throne of the Oracle. > > NUNZIO: Youse de Oracle? > > The Oracle nods his head. > > GUIDO: Nice place youse got here, Orrie - can I call you Orrie? > > The Oracle's face begins to darken, and he grips his staff. > > NUNZIO: It'd be a - shame - if something were to - you know, "happen" > to it, don't ya think? > > The Oracle rises in wrath, lightning playing about his beard. Nunzio > halts in the act of lighting a cigar as the Oracle levels the staff, > uttering a word of power. A sound of thunder and an actinic flash fill > the chamber. When the smoke clears, there stands Guido and Nunzio, > eyebrows raised. Nunzio flicks ash off his coat, and pulls the now > burning cigar out of his mouth. > > GUIDO: Nice toy! > > NUNZIO: (puffing) I bet that comes in handy sometimes! Anyway, de boss > sent us over here to... > > GUIDO: ... have a few words wid youse. You know, make you an offer... > > NUNZO AND GUIDO: ...YOU CAN'T REFUSE!!!!! > > (they chuckle) > > GUIDO: I love it when we get ta say dat. Anyways, like we was sayin', > de boss wanted us to come around here and introduce ourselves. > > NUNZIO: Yeah, de boss was, ya know, admirin' yer setup here. Thinks > you might want to retire while everything is still, like, good. > > GUIDO: Yeah, before something, like, real bad, might happen. > > NUNZIO: Like yer man Zadoc takes a swin wid de fishies. > > GUIDO: Or Og hits hisself a bunch o' times wid' dat club o' his > > NUNZIO: Or yer moll, Lisa, has, like, an accident an' messes her pretty > face up. > > GUIDO: Or like some w**dch*cks come in here and chew the place up. > > NUNZIO: Terrible! > > GUIDO: Jus' terrible. Tings like dat, ya know? > > NUNZIO: So what say, yer Oracleness? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ORACLE: All right. } } NUNZIO: We can get the legb - what did youse say? } } ORACLE: I said all right. } } GUIDO: Dis is a trick, right? } } ORACLE: Yup. } } NUNZIO: Quick, Guido, turn da anti-ZOT field to full. You, you } Oracle-palooka, you can't make us do anything we don't wanna do, see? } Da Good Fairy made it so youse couldn't compel us against our will } after we threatened to tear her wings off. } } ORACLE: Quite correct. Therefore, I'm going to give you exactly what } you want - the majority share of my business. } } GUIDO: Da babes, da necter, da vestal virgins? } } ORACLE: Sorry, you wanted the *majority* share. Da woodchuck jokes, da } Bill Gates parodies, dose annoying muse cretins from a few digests ago. } } NUNZIO AND GUIDO IN UNISON: Noooo !!!!! } } ORACLE: What, you don't think the Good Fairy warned me? We have each } other on speed-dial, you fools. Oh, and boys, she wanted me to remind } you that you wished it to last *forever*, so if you ever run out, } I'll have you mailing questions and answers to each other. Forever. } } GUIDO: But... but... we have protection. } } ORACLE: Against my compulsions, sure. But you volunteered to have } the Good Fairy grant your wish. No appeal. No loopholes. Take them } away, boys. } } } } NUNZIO: The Boss will save us. } } ORACLE: You mean Harry? } } GUIDO: Yah! } } ORACLE: Harry Baritono? } } NUNZIO: Yah! } } ORACLE: Harry "tell me why girls only go out with jerks" Baritono? } } GUIDO: Ya - wha? } } ORACLE: He's already chained to the terminal next to you guys. } What the hell do you think "omniscient" means, numbnuts? } } NUNZIO: We thought it meant you smelled funny. } } ORACLE: I give up. Take them away. } } --- 1250-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who's that hiding in the bushes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why it's the -sole- mention of someone urinating in the entire } of JRR Tolkien's Lord of the Rings trilogy! Aragorn, the next } King of all of Gondor, was... Well, here is the direct actual } quote from Chapter 10, "Strider". } } (Aragorn is talking to Frodo and pals in the Prancing Pony Inn.) } } 'I have quick ears,' he went on, lowering his voice, 'and though } I cannot disappear, I have hunted many wild and wary things and } I can usually avoid being seen, if I wish. Now, I was behind the } hedge this evening on the Road west of Bree, when four hobbits } came out of the Downlands. I shook myself and hitched my belt and } gave follow. Speaking of which my stout little charges, how about } another round of ale?' } } You owe the Oracle a bootleg copy of TTT. --- 1250-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh splendiferously magnanimous Oracle, > > I haven't seen the Question That Shall Not Be Named in quite a few > digests now. Have you managed to finally decimate the world's marmot > population? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Snivelling, hairless human we have your Oracle under lock and key. We } are the Woodchucks Against Corrupt Know-all Oracles (WACKO). We have } the Oracle, Lisa and all the priesthood under our control. We lulled } them into a false sense of security by not asking "How much wood would } a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood" for months. We made } a surprise raid on Delphi, and now they are our captives. Our guards } recite the question to them constantly. Yes we love to torture him. We } are driving him insane. } } Now down to business. We have demands. If you do not pay our ransom, we } will torture the Oracle until he is an insane mess. Every answer he } ever makes to any question will be about woodchucks. So if you know } what's good for you, then you had better pay up. } } You owe WACKO the Black Forest, the forests of Amazon Basin, Sherwood } Forest, the Redwood Forests of California, the jungles of the Congo } valley, the forests of Borneo and majority control of Ikea. --- 1250-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, I humbly seek your advice. > > What is the best way for a computer nerd to be gainfully employed, > and earn more than $15 / hour? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Become a substitute teacher. What more noble way to better the world } than to teach the young? } } [ Scene third grade classroom. Colorful scrawled kid's drawings on } the walls, itty-bitty desks and chairs, our supplicant at the } chalkboard. ] } } Supplicant; And so you can plainly see that while AWK and sed -can- } do the job, perl is far better and carries across } platforms better. } } Kid #1: Bobby stole my pencil! } } Kid #2: Did not! } } Supplicant: Ownership can only be reassigned by root or... } } Kid #3: Can I go to the bathroom? } } Supplicant: Well, I'm assuming you -can- or you won't ask. } } Kid #4: When's lunch? } } Kid #1: When's recess? } } Kid #5: When's school over? } } Supplicant: I have that all plotted out here on this way cool } powerpoint presentation slide... } } All Kids: Oooohhhhhhhhhhhhh. } } Kid #4: Cool pictures. } } Kid #3: Looks like Playstation. } } Supplicant: Playstation sucks. Quake3 on a PC rules... } } All Kids: GASP! } } Supplicant: It's true, look with a decent video card... } } Kid #1: You said 'Sucks'. } } Supplicant; Good listening skills Wilbur, but... } } [ Bell rings for recess ] } } Supplicant: Now we'll line up in order of time last accessed... } } [ Class runs out the door in mass, screaming and yelling, ignoring } Supplicant. A few seconds pass, then Kid #5 sticks head back in } the room and yells. ] } } Kid #5: Playstation rocks ya old fogey! } } Supplicant: !! I'm only 25 !! } } Kid #5: Fogey! } } [ Kid #5 leaves as Supplicant collapses into too tiny chair and } pouts. ] --- 1250-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tell me "How nice life should be to be really nice?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you have a steady supply of food and aren't in danger } or pain then life is really nice. Everything else is fluff. } } You owe the Oracle an SUV, a big screen TV, a T1 line, } a four bedroom house, a pug dog, and a trophy mate. --- 1250-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, who can solve NP faster than I can solve P: > > If I take a PIV 2.0GHz processor and underclock it to 2.0Hz, can I use > it to cool my room? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Only a geek would think this a valid solution to being } told that going into his dorm room with him was "Way uncool" } by a babe. } } You owe the Oracle another beer so he can forget his own college } years.