From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Feb 1 10:48:34 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.44) id g11FIUB08077; Fri, 1 Feb 2002 10:18:30 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 1 Feb 2002 10:18:30 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200202011518.g11FIUB08077@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1246 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1246 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1246 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 01 Feb 2002 10:18:16 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1246 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1241 49 votes hj931 14ds3 19jc8 48jg2 2efg2 5em62 gfb52 57agb 7dq21 09fcd 1241 3.0 mean 2.0 3.6 3.3 3.1 3.0 2.7 2.2 3.4 2.5 3.6 --- 1246-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and wonderful Oracle; giver of information and humor; punisher > of the selfish and proud. > > Why do humans' altruistic impulses increase proportional to the > possibility of retribution? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now let's think about this. Altruism is defined as: unselfish regard } for or devotion to the welfare of others. If this were the case, the } possibility of retribution [the dispensing or receiving punishment, } especially in the hereafter] would have no gating effect on altruistic } impulses, urges, acts or anything else, lest they not be considered } 'altruistic'. } } On the other hand, the possibility of remuneration [to pay an } equivalent to for a service, loss, or expense], or more directly } 'getting some', is probably a better driver of pseudo-altruistic } intent. } } Point of Debate: If we take our significant other out for a nice dinner } and a movie, are we driven to do this because: a) They will make our } life hell if we don't (long term consequences) - or - b) It directly } increases our chance of 'getting some' (short term consequences) } } Opinion: Neither choice is driven by altruistic intent. It doesn't } matter whether we acted to 'get some' or 'avoid getting it'; we acted } for our own personal benefit (kinetic or potential). Truly altruistic } acts are few and far between. } } The Oracle, however, is a shining example of purest altruism. } I answer these questions without regard for remuneration nor fear } of retribution. } } You owe the Oracle dinner and a movie. --- 1246-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The sands of time trickle through the hourglass of time and only the > Oracle knows exactly how many grains there are, and how much each of > them weigh and their exact size and shape and flavor. . . > > Why do they dress prisoners up to look like carrots? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They tried beetroots, but the uniforms turned out to be so bulky they } wouldn't fit in the prisoner's dock in the courtroom. } } You owe the Oracle a photo of Mr. Potato Head in jail. --- 1246-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Orrie! Watch me pull a question out of my ass! > > Why don't young people play shuffleboard? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That question really should end with the word "yet," because, from the } creative geniuses who brought you EXTREME BOWLING and THAT VIDEO GAME } WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSEDLY DANCING BUT ARE REALLY JUST PAYING $1.50 TO } JUMP ON THE FLOOR FOR THREE MINUTES, it's... } } EXTREME SHUFFLEBOARD, to be introduced to today's discriminating 12-24 } TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC in a new half-hour series premiering in April on MTV } and brought to you by MOUNTAIN DEW CODE RED, STRIDEX MEDICATED PADS, } and NEW GERITOL TEEN PLUS ("It's never too early to get to know } Geritol")! } } Featuring the following EXTREME elements: } } * All players must have at least four piercings, and ears don't count! } } * Players must be atop wheels, whether skateboard, Rollerblades, or } motorbike, while pushing the discs with their TITANIUM STICKS! } } * Some of the discs will be lit on fire! And the rest will be in neon } colors! } } * Hydraulic lifts under the court will raise one side or the other at } random intervals! } } * Scores have been multiplied by TEN! } } * Heavy metal music will be playing THE ENTIRE TIME! There will also } be a fog machine, or perhaps TWO! } } * The Backstreet Boys' original keyboard player is already penciled in } to appear as the SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE in the debut episode! } } Orders for EXTREME SHUFFLEBOARD equipment are already being taken! } Contact your local Shuff-L-Sport representative to fully equip YOUR } shuffleboard court, arena, or rink today, BEFORE the young people } descend upon you... } } St. Petersburg area: Horace Q. Montmorency } Boca Raton, Deerfield Beach: Albert Squelter Sr. } Phoenix, other Arizona cities: Monroe K. Warlington } } (Note: E-mail contact and Web ordering are unavailable until } Shuff-L-Sport personnel feel fully comfortable with this newfangled } Internet contraption.) } } And don't feel left out, Canada: CURLING MAXX is on its way! --- 1246-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most felecitous greetings, my fine and clever friend. Or as we say down > in here in Somerset: "Ello my luvvur!". > > So anyway, the Oracle's sitting in this empty bar. Just you on your > stool, nursing a glass of rough looking bourbon, and the barman, > silently polishing glasses with a bar towel and keeping one eye on the > exit with the studied nonchalance of a man who can smell trouble and > has survived a thousand bar fights. Suddenly, with a gust of wind and a > bang, the door flies open! As your eyes adjust to the change in light, > you realise that finally your nemesis has found you. It will end right > here, right now - for one of you at least. "So, Mr Google!" you say > with mock humour, "We meet again!". The Google steadies his stance, and > flicks his cloak back behind his shoulders. With a low grunt, he > replies. "Yes Oracle. And tell me. Do you feel lucky?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "We both know luck has nothing to do with this, Google", I barked back, } cleaning up the last few drops of bourbon with an air of nonchalance } and touch of i-couldn't-really-give-a-toss-ed-ness. } } Mr Google, had been the bane of my existence for many a moon } now, and I knew, that his words of closure rang with an essence of } truth. This would end here, now and more than likely in tears or at the } least in a immature tizzy fit. } } More machine than man now, twisted and evil the Google gurgled } each breath in anticipation. Our last battle left the upper east side } in rubble. It had taken the humans years to rebuild the city, and } hadn't done wonders for either of our reputations. We had produced a } trail of disaster in our wake unseen even in the most ultra-violent } anime fight scenes, leaving the inhabitants in a never ending pool of } misery and despair. Cowering in fear all along, hoping that the next } power packed blow from one of use would spare their lives and the lives } of those they had grown to love unconditionally. } } Fate was such as asshole. } } I knew it was a fairly even match, but I wasn't going to let on. } Google had better fire power now, a huge arsenal of tools, and a } dealing method like no other search engine. But I had an untold ace or } two up my sleave. I knew this day would come sooner or later, I was } ready this time. } } "You remember your promise don't you?", he uttered. } "Naturally...", I replied, reaching into my jacket pocket for my } Pokemon cards. } } "Pinkys for your Peagamon, if you loose" } "...and your Deluxe Pichachoo if _you_ loose", I reminded him. } } At that point, Google slid slowly toward the nearest table. } Upturning a beer mat, and dividing it into to columns using his 5 } colour Bic biro. I joined him at the table, thumbing through my } Powermon deck all the while. } } "Barkeep!", I yelled, "Two of your finest 7-ups... and spare us } the ice". } } But no response was returned by the barman, I looked behind me, } only to find the tell tale signs of abandonment, the barman shaped hole } in the wall, the lonely tumbleweed wheeling past on the street outside, } the distant cries of a hungry vulture swimming in the sky above. } } The Google, with all his might, ordered the first cut and did so } with skill I hadn't seen in a Pokemon master before. This was going to } the battle to end all battles, after this, owning his Deluxe Pichachoo } would probably be meaningless outside of our rivalry. But with the } first cut came the first sortie from Google. } } ....we played for hours, but with each hand came yet another } draw. Each tiebreaker sudden death shoot out ended in equality. Soon } the morning rolled round, but still we were even. } } "So that's one million seven hundred and sixty five thousand } two hundred and nine for me....." I announced, playing my trademark, } Iceamon, Pogoamon combination. } "aah yes, your Pogoamon style is strong, but my Cowamon style } will prevail", the Google gurgled with extreme predacious. He played } his last card, the dreaded Cowamon from the even more dreaded } Hefferamon deck. This was is it, this play really raised the stakes, I } knew I was in trouble. } } Wiping the sweat from my brow, I slowly inspected my last card. } Turning it up carefully so as not to let the Google know of our fate. } But this card was special, one of kind. This one plastic pressed laser } holygramed piece of cardboard was strong enough to bring the strongest } of Pokewarriors to their knees. And as I played it the four walls of } the universe the shuddered in fear, the very fabric of space and time } stretched and rippled with it's weight. } } "Noooooo!" screamed the Google in defeat, "it can't be!" } } "yes, yes it is." } } "But that card was lost by the great ones when the Pokemon } license was bought off Nintendo." } } "It was never lost your fool, but entrusted with me !!" (it's an } oracular perk) } And with that the Google began to melt, shrinking into a tiny puff of } dust and cliche'd 'ting' sound as he finally dissolved into } nothingness leaving this physical plane for good. } } ....There is no Pokemon card that can defeat the maligned } Woodchuckamon. --- 1246-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > > Who is most afraid of themselves? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Those who cannot get pronouns to agree with antecedants. --- 1246-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Like a second cup of coffee the Oracle turns the murky haze of the > world into a more coherent and meaningful mass of stimuli, > > As man leaves earth for the stars he'll need a renewable food > source. Something easy to raise, something robust, something > nutritious Why not insects? One could raise cockroaches on > human waste and then irradiate them and eat them. What do you > think? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, } } This would be a fine idea, for cockroaches are delicious and taste like } honey roasted peanuts. However, cockroaches do not do well in outer } space. In a weightless environment, the poor creatures have a tendency } to suffer from distress, nausea, and rabid cannibalism, and if there is } anything worse than having to pick your food off of your own dung, it } is having to clean up little pre-digested pieces of your own dung and } other cockroaches. One might rather suggest having a supply of those } little marshmallow peanuts. After these are gone, anyone would be happy } to eat their own dung, just to get rid of the taste of those nasty } peanut things. --- 1246-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Awesome and spectuncular Oracule, I bow down on bended > kneee to grovule in your face. As you can tell, I am > very good at this grovuling stuff but not much else. > > Please give me the course on self imporvment. > > Ingore any of my speling rooris, I thinmkkkk my fimngers > just got too faat. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Twelve Steps to Self Improvement } 1. Deny that you have any problem. If confronted, get angry. } 2. Brag to people about your iron will. Any bad habits you have, you } do them "because you feel like it". You could stop any time. } 3. Rely completely on yourself. } 4. Make a searching and fearless inventory of your co-workers' desk } drawers. What you find is yours. } 5. Admit your problems to no-one. You'll fix them and then won't have } to tell anyone! } 6. Prepare to have your plastic surgeon remove all defects of face and } form. } 7. Humbly ask your mail administrator to remove your name from email } lists. } 8. Make a list of all the people you've harmed. Work on expanding it. } 9. Go to each person on your list, hat in hand, and tell him that you } acknowledge having harmed him. Then say "And there's plenny more } where that came from, buck-o!" Laugh and run away. } 10. Take inventory of people around you. When they are the slightest } bit wrong about anything, trumpet it. } 11. Hit confessional weekly to purge sins. Try not to die on a } Saturday. } 12. Spread rumors about who is (and who should be) in 12-step programs. --- 1246-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > > How many shares of Global Crossing did you own? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Every one you have, to start with. Good thing I got out in '98. And } it's not insider trading if you're an outsider who just knows } everything. } } You owe Oracle... we'll let you off this time. --- 1246-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I received e-mail from someone pretending to be me. > How can I reply to him without getting confused? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What in the world was I thinking when I mailed this to me? } I should've asked the Internet Oracle instead. --- 1246-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Every day I send you dozens of straight-line supplications. From > time to time you use them well, but often you waste them with > answers that range from the literal to the boring. You, O Omniscient > One, have even told me you DIDN'T KNOW something! (It was another > of my silly straight lines and you handed the reply for typing to an > incarnation who didn't know from evaporated milk.) > > Should I try sending you totally stupid and inane questions instead, > in hopes that it might tickle some incarnation's funny bone, if indeed > any of them have one? Like, "Duhhhhh?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Okay, fine, fine, everyone's a critic (Excpet Pauline Kael, she's an } ex-critic). Let's review the archives shall we? } } |OracleSQL> SELECT Question FROM Supplication WHERE } |SupplicantID=15354129 ORDER BY Date DESC } } |QUESTION } |======== } |Where are my pants? } | } |Hey buhhhhhhhdy, it's the weaz, gettin it in with the Oracle-man, } |buhhhhhhhdy! } | } |Is it legal to assault Beatniks on the grounds that they were asking } |for it? } | } |Which is worse: Michael Jackson's "look" or Henry Kissinger's "Feel"? } } Okay, now, please forgive me that I answered the first question } literally, I mean, I thought you were in genuine need of help (or you } were Japanese Pop Star). } } As for the second, you know that Paulie Shore questions are borderline } ZOTs... Anyways, it's "buhhhdee" -- two e's, three h's for proper form } according to the Chicago Manual of Style. } } The third supplication was interesting, and I hoped you looked up the } multiple legal angles (including J. Kerouac, D. DiPalma, N. Cassidy et } al vs. State of Arizona) and I thought I did pretty well showing the } Nash Equilibrium of a game where one assults (Agressive) or does not } assault (Nice) a beat writer. } } And as for the fourth, Of course I don't know... really, they're pretty } much equally horrible: Any attempt to find which was more horrible } would force me to examine it at a subatomic level with readings of both } position and velocity, and if I did that it would violate the } Uncertainty Principle, leading to the cessation of } time/causality/thermodynamics as we know it, so while I could get you } the answer, you would have a tough time reading it with your atoms } spread out through Galaxy M-80. } } So, in short, I think I'm doing okay. You owe me more one liners.