From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Jan 23 11:16:15 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.43) id g0NFg4C23007; Wed, 23 Jan 2002 10:42:04 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 23 Jan 2002 10:42:04 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200201231542.g0NFg4C23007@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1245 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1245 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1245 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 23 Jan 2002 10:41:51 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1245 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1240 52 votes 38s85 3dhf4 109hp 58lf3 4ki91 78ja8 a9l84 25hia 5afh5 24pe7 1240 3.2 mean 3.1 3.1 4.2 3.1 2.7 3.1 2.8 3.6 3.1 3.4 --- 1245-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do human toe nails grow? It's not like there's some > evolutionary advantage to them doing so... is there? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The human body works somewhat like a biological computer. } Unfortunately, it is some especially crappy kind of computer, } comparable to a Java Virtual Machine. Every so often, the garbage } collection won't work correctly, resulting in a memory leak. } } Back in the olden days, when men were allowed to hunt politicians and } mankind was happy, the Virtual Machine was still somewhat stable, and } the leaked memory was simply integrated into your toenails, allowing } you to easily discard it. } } Nowadays, as the old Bodily Function APIs are deprecated and your brain } is forced to use the big, bloated BodySwing API instead, more memory is } leaked. This resulted in the need to get the leaked memory away in a } faster way, thus, certain other bodily functions are now the primary } means of discarding memory leaks -- this lead to the well-known phrase } "to take a leak". } } Now, don't tell me you humans didn't know that? --- 1245-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most prudent, learned and erudite, your words exalt > each joy, allay each grief, squeeze and pop each diseased > zit, and soften every pain that is modern life; and hence > the wise of ancient days adored you, and so do we modern > little ant-like neo-humans that we be! > > Who else lives in a volcano? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hephaistos, } } you know, I think your choice of a place to live was just a little } bit unlucky. } } I know, you're an engineer and you don't like it if you have far to } travel to work, but I mean - your wife is Aphrodite, the Godess of } Love, she has to feel attractive, and there's only so much that } perfume can do against the smell of all that burning sulphur. } Also, air conditioning wouldn't have hurt. } } You can't really blame here for coming to the Olymp every chance } she got (it is nice up here, you know), and as far as falling for } Ares once, well you know how godesses are (or at least I know. You } know, Lisa once... but I digress). } } You owe the Oracle a good barbecue, but plese hold the sulphur. --- 1245-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle de mon coeur, je voudrais vous poser un question en francais. > But there's this problem: I don't speak French. I just sort of make > it up as I go along, hoping it's not too broken. Anyway, you probably > wouldn't admit to understanding French even if you did. > > So instead let's just sort of pretend I did. If I had succeeded in > writing a question in French, what would have been your erudite answer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look, if you want to pretend you're French you have to learn } to think French. } } First you need to project Frenchness, especially during moments } requiring tact. For example: } } When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the } American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in } his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking } with Madame deGaulle. } } "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a } presence on the French and International scene for so many } years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are } you most looking forward to in these retirement years?" } } "Ma Cherie, all I zwant iz a penis," replied Madame deGaulle. } } A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... } and no one knew what to say next. } } Charles deGaulle puts down his wine glass for the first time all } evening, leans over to his wife and says, "Turtledove, I believe } zee Americans pronounce zat word, 'appiness." } -------------------------------------------------------------- } } Also you must learn to deal with others in "Ze Grande Manner } Ze France Perzons", for example: } } A French couple is traveling in Northern Scotland. It is a } typical Scottish day, bone freezing cold and wet. Their } silly little French car breaks down in front of a stone hut. } The French couple go and bang on the thick plank that serves } as the hut's door. A gruff Scotsman in a filthy kilt opens } the door, "And what you be awantin' on this fine day?" The } couple asks for shelter from the cold. The Scotsman ushers them } in, he even heats up some milk for them in a small bowl. "Ack, } `ere, drink this if you will." The couple take turns sipping } the hot liquid, when done they thank him. "Ack," says the Scot, } "It be nothin', was milk from me sick cow. I won't want my cats } to get their paws on that diseased filth." The French woman } faints, the man drops the bowl to the ground where it shatters } into a hundred shards. "Now be a lookin' at what you've done, } you've gone and broken me only chamber pot!" } --------------------------------------------------------------- } } And to truly understand the French you must appreciate their } part in world history. Consider this quick trio of insights: } } Q: What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen } in France? } A: Linoleum blownapart } } Q: What do French mobsters fear more than anything else? } A: The quiche of death. } } Q: Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees? } A; So the Germans could march in the shade. } ---------------------------------------------------------------- } } Okay let's see what you've learned. If the below makes you } laugh you are ready to be French, if not, oh well: } } Dans une rue de la capitale,une superbe blonde,tres court vetue, } decouvre largement ses cuisses tandis qu'elle penetre dans un } autobus. Une passante indignee dit a son mari: -Tu ne trouves } pas cela honteux,cette facon qu'ont les hommes de regarder le } derriere de cette fille qui monte dans le bus? Le mari: Quel bus? } ----------------------------------------------------------------- } } You owe the Oracle an avocado and a French lawyer. --- 1245-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do you know? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lisa, you know very well that I know anything I want to know, } including what my SO has been up to. It's part of my job } description as director of the NSA. } } You owe the Oracle a key escrow system that works. --- 1245-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, I've been trying to read some press releases put > out by marketing professionals. It seems they're speaking a different > language. The words sound just like English, but the meanings are > strangely altered. For instance, they use "loyalty" to mean keeping a > huge database listing everything you've ever bought from them. And > "creative" seems to be a noun - I still haven't figured that one out. > Could you please explain this marketing jargon in a way that ordinary > folks can understand? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is even more complicated than you think. Not only is Marketingo } a separate language from English, but there's a whole family of } marketing languages, each related in syntax to its mother language, } but with differing semantics. Its German equivalent, for example, } is a language called "Werbokroatisch". } } The first one to catch on was George Orwell, in his novel "1984", } when he described "Newpspeak". Because he was afraid that people } would try to sell him vacuum cleaners, he used a fictional state } which turned the meanings of words on their heads ("War is Peace"). } He underestimated the power of marketing, because } } * We interrupt this program for some information from our sponsors * } } You owe the Oracle to run up and down your local street naked, } chanting the slogan "Advertising is Information". --- 1245-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, are you still alive? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Welcome to The Dead Oracle - answers for the dead, by the dead-, } another quality subsidiary of The Internet Oracle(tm). } } -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- } } 17,666-09 47akw 3.9 } Selected-By: O.D. Vial } } The dead Oracle has pondered your question six feet deeply. } Your question was: } } } Dead Oracle most Dead; } } } } My buddy and I died. Some dude was there in the afterworld } } waiting room or something, he said that our spots in the } } afterworld weren't ready yet and we had to go back to earth } } for a while. My buddy said he wanted to go back to earth, but } } as "a cool stud" this time. The dude laughed and POOF! my } } buddy turned into a snow tire and then vanished. Wow! What } } should I wish to go back as? I don't want to be a toilet seat } } or a little man that plays the piano or something like that. } } And in response, thus intoned the dead Oracle: } } > Shut up, you're dead. } } -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- } } 17,655-02 1admm 3.8 } Selected-By: "Marked" (branded@ouch.edu) } } The dead Oracle has pondered your question six feet deeply. } Your question was: } } } dead oracle, } } } } Help me! I'm in heaven! I saw them drilling holes in people's } } backs to attach wings. the People were screaming in pain! It } } was awful. And then the angels drilled holes in people's heads } } to attach halos. The drills caused brain bits to fly out! It } } was awful! I rather go to hell! I already got a hole where they } } can attach a tail! How can I get transferred? } } And in response, thus intoned the dead Oracle: } } > Shut up, you're dead. } } -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- } } 17,652-01 57gmu 3.8 } Selected-By: Al L. Smelly } } The dead Oracle has pondered your question six feet deeply. } Your question was: } } } dead oracle, } } } } Satan himself met when I died, which makes sense as } } I was the world's richest man when I died. He showed } } me two different hells I could go to. One was full of } } hot naked chicks! The other was just a cold room with } } a hologram showing a blue screen. He says I can pick one } } to spend forever in. I suspect a trap, which should I } } pick? } } And in response, thus intoned the dead Oracle: } } > Shut up, you're dead. } } -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- } } 17,756-11 35fsm 3.8 } Selected-By: GreenHairedbabe (ghb@urethea.notwell.edeadtu) } } The dead Oracle has pondered your question six feet deeply. } Your question was: } } } I was a forest ranger when I was alive. I died saving a rare } } tree and a truck full of orphans from a landslide. A lawyer was } } there too, I let him die. I hate lawyers. Anyway the lawyer and I } } showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greeted us } } at the pearly gates and took us to the homes where dead folks } } spend all of eternity. We got into St. Peter's holy vehicle, a } } Ford Explorer by the way, and head on down a gold road, which } } turned into a platinum road, which turned onto an even grander } } road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion when St. Peter turned } } to the lawyer and said, "Here Mr. Lawyer is your home for the } } rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just } } let me know." Then St. Peter dropped me off at a seedy hotel full } } of rag pickers and lepers. What gives? } } And in response, thus intoned the dead Oracle: } } > Shut up, you're dead. } } -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- } } 17,664-03 16hDh 3.8 } Selected-By: Harold The Corpse (corpse@ditchbythteroad.org) } } The dead Oracle has pondered your question six feet deeply. } Your question was: } } } I was like standing knee high in foul waste drinking coffee } } for 9,000 years. It wasn't the worse hell I could imagine. } } Then a big old demon with one eye and a Wake Forest University } } tee-shirt showed up and said that the coffee break was over } } and now we have to stand on our heads for TWO HUNDRED MILLION } } YEARS! Is this legal? Aren't their laws down here? } } And in response, thus intoned the dead Oracle: } } > Shut up, you're dead. } } -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- } } 17,669-13 28gxj 3.8 } Selected-By: Iam Deadvus } } The dead Oracle has pondered your question six feet deeply. } Your question was: } } } dead oracle, } } } } I am, well -was- when I was alive, I -was- a huge busted gal. When } } I died I found myself at the gates of heaven with none other than } } Princess Di! Did you know she's pregnant? Anyway as we reached the } } Pearly Gates St. Peter advised us that there was only room for one } } of us - How could this be?! He asked me what I was doing at the } } time of her death. I told him "I was putting on my bra", He then } } asked Princess Di what she had been doing. "I was flushing", she } } replied, which I latter found out was a damn lie! Anyway Di got } } into heaven and not me! What gives? I don't like it here in hell! } } And in response, thus intoned the dead Oracle: } } > Shut up, you're dead. } } -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- } } 17,674-10 46his 3.8 } Selected-By: COFFINOPEN@aohell.com } } The dead Oracle has pondered your question six feet deeply. } Your question was: } } } I buried 12 kilos of gold I stole from an armored car right } } before I died. I'll give it to you if you get me moved to a } } nicer section of the afterworld. } } And in response, thus intoned the dead Oracle: } } > Consider it done. } } -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- -//- } } You owe the Oracle a snowball, a window, a Smokey the Bear hat, } a basketball team, two pair and a royal flush. That's it. --- 1245-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there some kind of "question mark" shortage going on And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They've been replaced by question Euros at the beginning of the year. --- 1245-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My Danish friend asked me a riddle. She said, "If a German > and a Swede were to fall from the 45th floor of a building, > which one would hit the ground first?" > > Well, I was thinking about how the heavier one would fall faster, > until I remembered that such was not the case. Finally I gave > up and asked her the answer. "Who cares?" she said. > > What was supposed to be funny about that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Leapin' Lizards! You're in horrible danger of permanently losing } your sense of humor! } } Quick take this test to see if you have any mirth detecting bones } left in your body: } } ---------------------------------------------------------- } #1: } } Q: What did one mirror say to the other? } A: It's all done with people. } } This joke is about: } } a) Mirrors } b) People } c) An ironic twist to an old saw, aimed at exposing both } the way one's point of view and ability to deal with } illusion is governed by positional relevance. } d) I don't get it. } ---------------------------------------------------------- } #2: } } An old man and old woman are standing outside a very successful } travel agency staring longingly at a sign about a trip to Paris. } The owner of the shop sees them and feels sorry for them, he } brings them in and explains to them he is going to give them the } trip for free. A month or two later the shop owner sees the old } woman walking by, he stops her and asks how she like the trip. } She replies, "It was great, the museums, the cafes. And that man } sure had fun too. Who was he anyway?" } } This joke is about: } } a) Paris } b) Old people } c) An object lesson on the fact that no good deed goes } unpunished, plus a naughty glint of the lurid undercurrent } of sexual tension that lies so close to the surface of } human relations } d) I don't get it. } ---------------------------------------------------------- } #3: } } Betsy Sue had a horrible quarter at college, she flunked Spanish, } she got a big dent in her car and she has a horrible breakup with } her boyfriend. A month later she has a new boyfriend and in a fit } of meanness she sends her old boyfriend a picture of her and the } new guy in bed together. Her old boyfriend turns the photo over } and writes on the back, "College is way fun, need more money" and } mails it to her parents. } } This joke is about: } } a) College students } b) Sex } c) It's really less a joke than an urban legendish tale that } has the transgressor of a social norm punished in a like } manner that one grudgingly smiles at the audacity of } d) I don't get it. } ---------------------------------------------------------- } #4: } } Some hunters drive up to a farmer's house. One of them gets out } and goes and asks the farmer for permission to hunt on his } land. The farmer says it's okay, but asks a favor. Out in the } yard is his old dog Blue. "Blue needs to be put to sleep, he's } in pain and blind and he's got the mange. I can't bring myself } to shoot him though, could you do it for me?" The hunter agrees. } As he leaves the building the hunter decides to play a trick } on his friends. He get in the car and says, "That mean old guy } won't let us hunt here. I'll show him." Then he takes his rifle } and KABOOM! shots the dog. All the other hunters start firing, } KABOOM! POW! BANG! BANG! KABOOM! They shout, "I got his cow! } I got the rooster! I got his cat!" } } This joke is about: } } a) Hunters } b) Ohmygawd! That isn't funny at all! } c) The mindset of humans is altered when they are heavily armed } in a manner that allows the social veneer to be stripped off } far too easily leading to episodes of violence and mayhem } d) I don't get it. } ---------------------------------------------------------- } #5: } } Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? } A: To get to the other side. } } This joke is about: } } a) Roads } b) Chickens } c) Absurdity at times is banal } d) I don't get it. } ---------------------------------------------------------- } } If you answered 'c' or 'd' to any of them you are humor impaired. } Answers of 'a' just mean you're a tad slow, but trainable. The } correct answer to each question is 'b'. } } You owe the Oracle a serious tome --- 1245-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You are online. > > LOOK > > You are using a PPP connection with DHCP. > > SHOW INVENTORY > > You have an FTP client, an EMAIL client, and a WEB browser. > > GET PORN > > Sorry, I can't do that. > > USE FTP > > You are now wielding an FTP client. > > GET PORN > > Sorry, I can't do that. > > USE WEB > > You are now wielding a WEB browser. > > GET PORN > > Sorry, I can't do that. > > USE EMAIL > > You are now wielding an EMAIL client. > > GET PORN > > Sorry, I can't do that. > > GET EMAIL > > Checking... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } >Still Checking... } > } >One message found } > } >READ MESSAGE } > } >"Get your Porn Here!" } >A URL falls out of the message. } > } >GET URL } > } >Ok. } > } >LOOK URL } > } >It's a porn URL. } > } >USE WEB } > } >You are now wielding a WEB Browser. } > } >LOAD URL } > } >Loading... } >Loading... } >Loading... } > } >A Browser window appears in your inventory. } >A Browser window appears in your inventory. } >A Browser window appears in your inventory. } >A Browser window appears in your inventory. } >A Browser window appears in your inventory. } >A Browser window appears in your inventory. } >A Browser window appears in your inventory. } >A Browser window appears in your inventory. } >A Browser window appears in your inventory. } >A Browser window appears in your inventory. } >A Browser window appears in your inventory. } >A Browser window appears in your inventory. } >A Browser window appears in your inventory. } >A Browser window appears in your inventory. } >A Browser window appears in your inventory. } >A Browser window appears in your inventory. } >A Browser window appears in your inventory. } > } >SHOW INVENTORY } > } >You have an FTP Client, an EMAIL client, a WEB Browser, and 42,623 } >Browser WINDOWS } > } >DROP WINDOW } > } >You drop the window. } > } >A Browser window appears in your inventory. } >A Browser window appears in your inventory. } >A Browser window appears in your inventory. } > } >GET PORN } > } >Your inventory is full. You'll have to drop something. } > } >DROP FTP } > } >It hits the ground and shatters. } > } >A Browser window appears in your inventory. } >A Browser window appears in your inventory. } > } >GET PORN } > } >Your inventory is full. You'll have to drop something. } > } >DROP EMAIL } > } >It hits the ground and shatters. } > } >A Browser window appears in your inventory. } > } >DROP WEB } > } >You can't do that while you have windows. } > } >LOOK WINDOW } > } >The window is a porn advertisement. } > } >CLOSE WINDOW } > } >A Window falls on you. } >A Window falls on you. } >A Window falls on you. } >A Window falls on you. } >A Window falls on you. } >A Window falls on you. } >A Window falls on you. } } *Several hours and one zotted Zadoc later* } } Funny, supplicant. You *know* he locks up my computer every time you } send him those free porn links. Knock it off. *thwaps Staff of Zot } meanacinly into the palm of his free hand.* } } You owe the Oracle a new computer. You can keep your free porn. --- 1245-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How is a SUID different from a DSID? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you take SQUID and cut out the Q, you get a SUID. The operation } requires great care, because you can get covered with yikky ink. } At this point your SUID will be DAID. Now change the A to an S and } you will also have a DSID. } } You owe the Oracle a better Station Unique Identifier and Destination } Station Identifier.