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=== 1244 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1244
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 18 Jan 2002 14:20:02 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
    1244
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1239  48 votes 15en5 5ll10 18dj7 3jb96 6aee4 afh24 eee51 22cie 37cj7 56fac
1239  3.1 mean  3.5   2.4   3.5   2.9   3.0   2.5   2.3   3.8   3.4   3.4

--- 1244-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh, really gosh-darn neat Oracle, please enlighten your humble,
> unworthy supplicant with the tiniest fragment of your brilliance.
>
> This morning I woke up with a vague memory of having heard on the news
> while I was still asleep that the President of the United States had
> injured his face while falling off his couch after fainting for "a
> couple of seconds" as the result of a pretzel that "went down the wrong
> way," although they went on to clarify that this emphatically did not
> mean he had choked.
>
> Later I was astounded to learn that this was not a dream but was in
> fact being reported by reputable news agencies.
>
> Almighty Oracle, I have a lifetime of experience eating pretzels on the
> couch, and I have never had a pretzel go down in such a way that I
> fainted and fell on the floor.  Can you explain to me how such a thing
> might happen?  Perhaps with a diagram?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O Humble Supplicant!
}
} The difference between you and our Commander-in-Chief is that,
} beset by pretzel difficulties, you are more or less reliant on
} your own resources.  If you accidentally inhaled a salty snack
} food, you'd surely hurl yourself backwards into the back of
} your chair, immediately dislodging the pretzel, as well as a
} massive green lunger that would splatter all over the TV screen,
} earning you the slack-jawed awe of your buddies.
}
} Not so our President.  When he inhaled the pretzel, he immediately
} started waiting for his daddy and his daddy's business friends to
} bail him out; these worthies, however, were distracted by Dick
} Cheney doing the victory dance and screaming "Mine!  It's all mine
} now!  I'm the @#&$*^in' President!" and could only watch in be-
} musement as Cheney had yet another heart attack and collapsed.  The
} Secret Service men in attendance instantly converged to revive the
} leader of the Free World.
}
} Meanwhile George Jr., as usual ignored by all, lurched outside in
} a panic.  Whereupon he stepped on a rake, earning himself a nasty
} bruise.  The impact disloged the foreign object and the Republic
} was saved!
}
} You owe the Oracle one (1) bag of Chee-tos.

--- 1244-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O most groovalicious Oracle, whose innate sense of rhythm exceeds
> that of George Clinton any day of the week, and who always knows
> where his flashlight is... please tell me.
>
> Who put the ramma-lamma-ding-dong in the ram?  And has he/she been
> arrested for this? There are laws you know!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Er ... dude?
}
} I think you're taking this quote out of context.  You are
} probably imagining a craggy Scottish chieftan, face all a-
} blue, holding a ewe above his head, thundering, "They can
} teik uir luives...", but that is not really what the quote
} is about.
}
} These are the words carven into the granite walls of
} Bjornbjorkborg Fjord in Norway, in letters as deep as
} a spear is long:
}
} Ramma lamma lamma a dingity ding da dong
} Shoo bop shoo wadda wadda yippity boom sha boom
} Chang chang changity chang shoo bop
} Yip da dip da dip shoo bop sha dooby do
}
} Trans:
} When we graduate from High School
} And enter into our careers of butchering foreigners
} with no hint of shame or remorse
} We will continue to be friends.  Class of 1103 Forever!
}
} You owe the Oracle one (1) Allthing

--- 1244-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Oracle, preciousss preciousss Oracle
>
> Shortly before Bilbo Bagginses (we hates it forever!)
> gave up the Precious he complained about feeling like
> butter spread over too much bread, and after he gave
> it up he got old really fast. (gollum)
>
> So how come poor Gollum (nice Smeagol!), upon losing
> the Ring, didn't remark how he felt like Vegemite
> spread over way too much zwieback, then instantaneously
> morph into Bea Arthur and crumble into dust?
>
> And if nice Smeagol might be allowed to sneak in one
> more questionses ...
>
> WHAT THE &$#@*^$# DID IT HAVE IN IT'S POCKETSES ANYWAY!!??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear, this could be bad. Better call Jackson.
}
} *Ring ... Ring*
}
} <Peter> Yeah?
}
} <Orrie> Peter? Oracle here, how's it-
}
} <Peter> Orrie! Missed you at the Premiere! Where were ya?
}
} <Orrie> Ah, thanks for the invite, Peter, but really, you hardly needed
} another gray-bearded guy in long flowing robes. I would only have
} confused the issue.
}
} <Peter> Nonsense! You would have loved it! That runway thing is a gas!
} We-
}
} <Orrie> Peter ... sorry to interrupt but I'm afraid I have bad news.
}
} <Peter> What, bad? Bad means nothing to me, we're talking 500 million
} worldwide! Screw Cameron, I'm the king of the wor-
}
} <Orrie> Peter. I know things are going well now, which is why you
} really must face this before it gets out of control.
}
} <Peter> Yeah, OK, what, what?
}
} <Orrie> I'm afraid there's been a leak.
}
} <Peter> Yeah, a lot of people did question my decision to film a three
} hour movie with no intermission and the last solid hour filled with
} nonstop water-
}
} <Orrie> That's not-
}
} <Peter> Pouring water, flowing water, trickling water, waterfalls,
} boats on the water ...
}
} <Orrie> Not that kind-
}
} <Peter> But again, look what Cameron did, I mean, talk about testing
} the limits of bladder control, that whole movie-
}
} <Orrie> PETER! Not that kind of leak. Stay with me, here. An
} information leak.
}
} <Peter> Information?
}
} <Orrie> Yes. About a certain plot development in movie three. The ..
} uncredited plot development.
}
} <Peter> WHa-- the Maude-morph?
}
} <Orrie> That's right.
}
} <Peter> But how- that was strictly ... how could that get out there?
}
} <Orrie> It's out, Peter. I've got a supplicant here posing as Gollum
} who makes reference to it. He even mentions the vegemite.
}
} <Peter> WHAT?! Who, how? Who is this supplicant?
}
} <Orrie> I'm not going explain the whole anonymous remailer concept
} again, Peter. But it could be her, or it could be someone she told.
}
} <Peter> This could be bad.
}
} <Orrie> That's what I'm talking about.
}
} <Peter> I made the deal on the grounds it would always remain
} uncredited.
}
} <Orrie> I believe I did counsel against it ...
}
} <Peter> Yeah, yeah, you told me so, go ahead and say it, but she was so
} *persistent.* She was like a tall deep-voiced terrier. The part she was
} really after was Galadriel, I had to tell her, you are *not* the Golden
} Girl I have in mind! Although, she did do quite a respectable reading
} for Theoden.
}
} <Orrie> Treebeard, I thought. She's got the "Hroom" down.
}
} <Peter> Treebeard gets altogether too much screen time. Cameron would
} have noticed, even through the makeup. No. The only solution was the
} surprise Hollywood-style Gollum aging sequence in film three. Four
} seconds of screen time, lots of vegemite scraped on as makeup-
}
} <Orrie> An odd choice, I did think.
}
} <Peter> Cheap, in this part of the world, and the right color and
} consistency. That scene with the Uruk Hai dude getting born? Big vat o'
} vegemite.
}
} <Orrie> Yes, well. Be that as it may. It's out, now. There's no way to
} contain it. I'm afraid you're going to lose the bet.
}
} <Peter> This is a disaster.
}
} <Orrie> Well, let it be a humbling experience. Don't try to put one
} over on James Cameron. It was foolish of you to take the bet in the
} first place.
}
} <Peter> Come on, the first one to cast Bea Arthur loses? When I know
} she's angling every week for a guest appearance on Dark Angel? This
} looked like a sure thing!
}
} <Orrie> And what did you learn about sure things when you did The
} Frighteners?
}
} <Peter> Point taken. But Orrie, what am I gonna do? There was a case of
} 50 year-old Glenfidditch riding on this. I don't want to give that up!
}
} <Orrie> I'll do what I can.
}
} Dear Supplicant,
}
} He did. But not right away. Gollum had the ring for 600 years, to
} Bilbo's 60. So he doesn't begin aging until near the end of movie
} three, when he will indeed get scraped with vegemite, morph into Bea
} Arthur and crumble into dust.
}
} But don't tell anyone. Especially James Cameron.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of 50 year-old Glenfidditch. You can go ahead
} and deliver it directly to Peter Jackson. He'll know what to do with
} it.

--- 1244-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh, really gosh-darn neat Oracle, please enlighten your humble,
> unworthy supplicant with the tiniest fragment of your brilliance.
>
> This morning I woke up with a vague memory of having heard on the news
> while I was still asleep that the President of the United States had
> injured his face while falling off his couch after fainting for "a
> couple of seconds" as the result of a pretzel that "went down the wrong
> way," although they went on to clarify that this emphatically did not
> mean he had choked.
>
> Later I was astounded to learn that this was not a dream but was in
> fact being reported by reputable news agencies.
>
> Almighty Oracle, I have a lifetime of experience eating pretzels on the
> couch, and I have never had a pretzel go down in such a way that I
> fainted and fell on the floor.  Can you explain to me how such a thing
> might happen?  Perhaps with a diagram?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O humble, unworthy supplicant,
}
} "BUSH FAINTS, HITS HEAD, LOSES ALL MEMORY OF ENRON
}
} Rare Case of Pretzel-Induced Amnesia, White House Doctor Says
}
} President Bush has "fully recovered" from a fainting spell he suffered
} after swallowing a pretzel yesterday, a White House doctor says, with
} one very minor side effect: partial amnesia.
}
} The bump that Mr. Bush took on the head during his fall has left the
} President with no memory of ever having spoken to anyone from Enron,
} the Houston-based energy giant.
}
} "Apparently, the very minor trauma to the President's head only
} affected that part of the human brain that processes memories related
} to embattled enery companies," said Dr. Richard Tubb, the offical White
} House physician.
}
} While unusual, pretzel-induced amnesia is not without precedent,
} medical experts say.
}
} In the mid-1980's, President Bush's father, then serving as
} Vice-President, swallowed a pretzel which caused him to forget crucial
} details of the Iran-Contra scandal.
}
} And a late-night pretzel-swallowing binge caused former President Bill
} Clinton to forget temporarily that he had ever had an "inappropriate
} relationship" with White House intern Monica Lewinsky.
}
} In Mr. Clinton's case, the pretzel-induced amnesia eventually wore off,
} with the former President recovering his memory, albeit partially,
} while giving a deposition under oath.
}
} As of last night, things were "back to normal" at the White House, with
} one observer reporting that Attorney General John Ashcroft,
} Vice-President Dick Cheney and other key administration officials were
} seen sharing a big bag of pretzels." --www.bushnews.com
}
} This may also have something in connection with Bush's rather ape-like
} physical properties (see www.bushorchimp.com) as perhaps he had some
} trouble eating the pretzel.
}
} Although I can't quite give you a diagram, this is basically what may
} have happened (you could try it yourself sometime; it works)
}
} #1: Bush starts eating an early-morning snack on the couch
} #2: Lightbulb goes on above Bush's head
} #3: Our wonderful ol' Georgie Dubya Bush glances furtively around. Yup,
}     there are people around--obviously.
} #4: Absentmindedly, Bush takes another pretzel, looking everywhere but
}     the bag.
} #5: But--oh no! Poor Georgie's swallowed the pretzel--and the delicate
}     president FAINTS!
} #6: The news media gets it. Hmmm. Bush has a reason for forgetting now,
}     doesn't he?

--- 1244-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Great Oracle, you are TOTALLY UNBELIEVABLE!  Last time when
> you sent me an answer, I Simply Could Not Believe how smart
> it made me.  I felt so smart, using your advice, that I went
> out and drove my car at twice the speed limit, because I
> knew that I was So Damn Good that nothing bad could happen.
>
> You know, of course, what happened.
>
> Do you think I should try a different brand this time, maybe
> Absolut or Smirnoff instead of that damned Stolichnaya?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I would strongly recommend that you avoid driving cars that are
} manufactured by vodka producers.  Try a Ford or a Nissan or
} something like that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a brand new BMW M5.  Blue would be nice.

--- 1244-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  Dr rcl, wh stl ll m vwls n m kbrd?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nobody stole anyting, my good Supplicant. Your vowels just moved away.
} All of them.
}
} In fact, I'd say you just had a massive vowel movement.
}
} The Oracle owes Robin Williams an acknowledgement.

--- 1244-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Being a virgin, I find myself extremely curious about the male penis:
> 1) How long is the average well-erected penis?
> 2) How do men feel about going to bed with a virgin?
> 3) And last but not least, how often do men get erections?
> And is it really "painful" if men are not allowed to have sex after
> they get an erection?
>
> Virgin Territory

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > 1) How long is the average well-erected penis?
}
}      Anywhere from 2 seconds to 20 minutes, closer to the low end
}      on the average.
}
} > 2) How do men feel about going to bed with a virgin?
}
}      The same way they feel about winning a zillion dollars, it'd
}      be nice, but hey, get real.
}
} > 3) And last but not least, how often do men get erections?
}
}      They rarely have them while playing baseball, other than
}      that. . .
}
} > And is it really "painful" if men are not allowed to have sex
}   after they get an erection?
}
}       No, that's BS to make you feel guilty. Don't fall for it.
}       Painful is having to care for a kid alone after that lying
}       scum is long gone. Or catching a disease. Or losing your
}       self respect.
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing, take care of yourself instead.

--- 1244-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Describe the man I will marry.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One head, two arms, and two legs which are right next to his more than
} a meter long, hot, hose shaped, continually pulsating as if it had a
} mind of it's own, large intestine.
}
} You owe the Oracle the shortest way to a man's heart.

--- 1244-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Unlike that other guy with the apples, I eat an onion
> every day.  It keeps the doctor away, so I'm very healthy.
> But it keeps women away too.  Will I ever marry?  How?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cut the onion with some oregano and a dash of salt.  And chunks of
} pepper, bok choi, bamboo, and chicken.  Women love a man who can cook.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pint-sized wok.

--- 1244-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Isn't there some question that nobody's asked you yet,
> that you're just dying to answer?  What is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, yeah. But I was sort of hoping Lisa would ask. But,
} since you're offering. . .