From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Jan 3 13:55:24 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.43) id g03IHCH25284; Thu, 3 Jan 2002 13:17:12 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 3 Jan 2002 13:17:12 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200201031817.g03IHCH25284@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1242 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1242 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1242 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 03 Jan 2002 13:16:59 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1242 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1237 53 votes 66bm8 3aoa6 3cfe9 6jda5 67hg7 2bkf5 b8hb6 57iad 3chab 4acfc 1237 3.2 mean 3.4 3.1 3.3 2.8 3.2 3.2 2.9 3.4 3.3 3.4 --- 1242-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most effervescent and perfidious, > > What did Marx do on Christmas? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Some people claim he held that the foundations of reality lay in the } material base of economics rather than in the abstract thought of } idealistic philosophy, but just between you and me, he really put on a } red suit and secretly redistributed the means of production between the } proletariat and bourgeoisie, using a borrowed sleigh and eight tiny } reindeer. The white beard was his. } } You owe the Oracle an EZ bake oven. --- 1242-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Me Og. Me grovel before Or-ak-ul. > > Me want know why woodchucks not chuck wood. > > Me state strongly me not want know how much, me want know why not. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They don't chuck wood because, well, think of it. They might } give it a toss, but they don't want to get rid of it and more } than you do. } } You owe the Oracle that poster you have over there, the one } with the dark blue background. --- 1242-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I get him to stick to a schedule? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's a tough one. Ordinary glues do not work on polyethylene, } since it's really just a wax, a long-chain hydrocarbon, with little } ionic portion to cause any sort of bonding. You've got to get a bit } mechanical to accomplish good adhesion. Roughen him up a bit, actually } making holes all the way through. Do the same to the schedule. When } you apply an adhesive, use one of good tensile strength. As it runs } through the holes and then solidifies, it'll create a good mechanical } bond that chemical means alone cannot accomplish. Make sure the } schedule is printed on good, tough material, Tyvec or better, so he } can't just rip it off, something he's been used to for a while. If } you can do all that, he'll stick to his schedule. --- 1242-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and wise-guy Oracle, why is it that so often when I ask you one > question, you answer another instead? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It all started back in ancient Greece, when the Vestal Virgins were } used to protect the herds of sheep from roaming herds of wild cattle. } Otherwise, the sheep would have been eaten before the wool could be } harvested. Without that wool, the Italians never would have been able } to invent the turtleneck sweater. And without turtleneck sweaters, the } chef at the Ritz Carlton Hotel never could have come up with the recipe } for Mock Turtle Soup. And that, of course, would mean that the physics } department at Campbell University would never have put chicken together } with noodles. Which, in turn, would have lead to a massive outbreak of } the common cold which couldn't be cured. } } And that's why London Bridge is now in Arizona. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of James Burke's "Connections" with the pages } in the right order. --- 1242-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, who has provided me with so much useful advice in > times gone by, may I trouble you for one more nugget of wisdom? > > I like him, and I think he likes me, yet neither of us seem to be doing > anything about it. Should I make a move, or just carry on as we are now > and see how it goes? It's all very confusing! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You can always snag a guy by pretending you're helpless. Go up to } him and pretend that you don't know how to use the key } on your computer and instead rely on auto line-wrap and send } out email that is hard to read. He'll chuckle and show you how } to hit after every 70 key strokes and then you'll both } fall in love an live happily ever ever. Trust me on this one. } } You owe the Oracle a photo of Putin and GW Bush hugging. --- 1242-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What hass it got in its packetssss? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mullog: Not fair! Not fair, not in the riddle RFC! } } Oblib once again looked around the sub-basement for an exit sign. } He just had to get away from this horrid skinny uber-geek with } his greasy hair, horn rims and pocket protector. Oh if only he } hadn't got lost on his way to CS 101! And this inane riddle game! } It had started out nice enough. . . } } Mullog: If youses can answer me riddle I'll show you out of the } sub basementses! } } What has root, can be nobody, } Is in charge of pruning the trees, } Out, out it's tummy goes } And yet never up it grows? } } That one was easy. Mullog screamed when Oblib answered "A sys } admin". Then Mullog demanded Oblib ask a riddle. What choice did } Oblib have? } } Oblib: Thirty bright white things in a cold hall, } First they're in line, } Then they whine, } Then they stand still. } } It took Mullog awhile, but he answered "CS students reading their } test scores off the Professor's bulletin board" correctly. Then } it was Mullog's turn. } } Mullog: It cannot be deleted, it you can not cat, } Cannot be made executable like an .exe or a .bat } It swallows tail and head, } An empty hole that some dread. } Its mounted after the first process and follows after, } devours files, logs and a large oaken rafter. } } Well, the oaken rafter part was pure BS, but still Oblib knew the } answer was "/dev/null", this bugged Mullog. Then Oblib asked one. } } Oblib: A box without Windows, pgp-keys, or a first person shooter } by id, } An oldie, a treasure we thought as a kid. } } Mullog answered quickly, "A Commodore 64!", then it was time for } his last riddle, though he didn't know it at the time. } } Mullog: Alive with dog breath, } As old as death; } Always coffee thirsty, ever beer drinking, } Reading email, never thesis thinking. } } Oblib: A grad student! } } Mullog screamed at Oblib's quick reply and then demanded that Oblib } ask another riddle. But Oblib was all tuckered out and all he could } come up with was... } } Oblib: What's in my packet? } } That's when the trouble started. . . --- 1242-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OK, so I've been away from RHOD for a good many years. I do two > tellmes, drain the queue twice at midnight, and start reading the rhod > newsfroup. AND IT'S LIKE I NEVER LEFT. "Tom \"Tom\" Harrington" > still has his "quotes", there's still an Australian priest named Ian > Davis, and every other post has a .sig about some bright red Siamese > fighting fish. > > I mean, you'd think with all the ZOTting that goes on, you'd manage to > get a change of supplicants in 3 years, no? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's like you never left?! Hey, at least you get to leave, pal! } What started out as a little favor for Kinzler has turned into a } 12-year, never-ending nightmare for yours truly. } } "Hey Oracle, could you answer an Email or two for me? Some guy asking } about a woodchuck, or something. I'll buy you lunch." } } "Sure, Steve." } } Yeah, "sure Steve." Yeesh. Those words haunt me to this day. } Little did I know that for the price of a Grand Slam breakfast and a } cup of joe at the Bloomington Denny's, I had been unwittingly forced } into indentured servitude. ZOTTing does very little to help matters; } you eviscerate one supplicant with linguine for brains, and there's } 2 more to take his place. } } Sigh... yeah, YOU think nothing's changed? Walk a mile in my shoes, } buddy. } } You owe the Oracle: an end to the pain, the constant, head-splitting, } pain! MAKE IT STOP! AAAAAAUUGH! --- 1242-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Vast and Conspiring Oracle, you have me surrounded. Everywhere you > go, there I am. > > What is the best way to avoid paranoia? What if they really ARE out > to get me? What then? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry, but HOMELAND SECURITY has determined that your email can not } be delivered as written. Please feel free to try again after 5 to } 10 years. --- 1242-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, magnificent Oracle, who has never had a hairball or scratched up > the good couch, please answer my plea before I get back from the litter > box: I want chicken. I want liver. Why won't Meow Mix please deliver? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Cat: *Steps into store* Hello, is this Meow Mix Inc.?!! } } Sales: Yes, how may I help you? } } Cat: I ordered Meow Mix, but I couldn't taste the chicken or the liver! } } Sales: *Blinks* Er, we don't put chicken or liver in the Meow Mix. } } Cat: B-but I thought it was one of those things where it doesn't say in } the ingredients, but it's THERE! } } Sales: Never heard of it. } } Cat: What, do you mean I paid $10 for my Meow Mix and--and there's no } hidden ingredients? } } Sales: Sir-- } } Cat: I'M GONNA SUE! YOU OWE ME CHICKEN-LIVER MEOW MIX! --- 1242-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise Oracle, I bow to your superior knowledge and ask the following: > > Suppose train A leaves Chicago at 8:55am, bound for Indianapolis at > 55 mph. Suppose also that train B leaves Indianapolis at 9:30am, > bound for Chicago *on the same track* at 80 mph. > > When, where, and how do they meet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They originally meet in a sleazy hotel outside Buffalo. And } by the time the night was over one of them had a tender } behind and a little red caboose. } } You owe the Oracle a sleeping car with a low berth rate.