From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sun Dec 23 18:56:31 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.43) id fBNNI4W22087; Sun, 23 Dec 2001 18:18:04 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 23 Dec 2001 18:18:04 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200112232318.fBNNI4W22087@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1241 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1241 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1241 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 23 Dec 2001 18:17:51 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1241 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1236 61 votes 2ahma 28jma gjf74 8pfa3 02ngk 9ajcb hbgb6 2aboe 67m9h 53kif 1236 3.2 mean 3.5 3.5 2.4 2.6 3.9 3.1 2.6 3.6 3.4 3.6 --- 1241-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Buongiorno principessa! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mantengali mani a lei pervertito. } } Dovete all'oracolo un la vacanza italiana. --- 1241-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O oracle whose brain is big enough to encompass Middle-Earth and Endor, > Hogwart's and the Steerage, all without that annoying kind of grinding > my low-RAM computer makes when trying to switch between applications, > will you please compare for me, the virtues of Star Wars, Harry Potter, > Fellowship of the Ring, and, just for poetic irony... Titanic? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well sure, gentle supplicant. } } Star Wars has several. Not only is it the classic tale blending science } fiction and fantasy in a seamless story line, but the addition of the } Force makes it a story of spiritual awakening that, for some strange } reason, speaks to every person who sees it. That, and the lightsabers } are cool. Sadly, with the recent addition of Episode One and the } "revised" scenes to the older films, Lucas has tainted his own vision } and ruined the story for generations to come (rather than doing the } sensible thing and dying before he could continue his work). Thus Star } Wars has little, if any, virtue left. } } Harry Potter also has several rather important virtues. Like Star Wars, } it is a story of spiritual awakening that speaks to every child (and } adult) who picks it up. The magic serves as a plot device rather than } as a central theme -- you could just as easily make it a story about } technological marvels, and it would work just as well. The book's } sequels (and the eventual movie sequels) add to the story rather than } subtract to the experience, thus ensuring Potter a place in history, } right next to Blade Runner. Well, maybe in the next aisle over -- } anyone who reads those two stories right after another needs some } serious help. But it is about magic, and for some odd reason that } frightens a lot of people, who then begin babbling something about this } "God" person I keep hearing so much about. So, to them, Harry Potter } has about as much virtue as Star Wars, but without the lightsabers to } make it cool. } } Pity. } } So now we come to Tolkien's epic, which begins quite appropriately with } the Fellowship of the Ring (though some say it might be best to read } the Hobbit first, the subject of which actually started the Persian } Gulf War -- a little known fact). It's a story that has everything: a } rich background, action, adventure, romance, and dare I say even a } mind-blowing message behind it. The tale has shaken and changed many a } life over the years, and is on par with many of the other great stories } of history. Sadly, the movie's about as good as leftover limburger } cheese that's been sitting out all week, so many people will be } discouraged from reading what would normally be a life-changing book. } Any virtue the Fellowship of the Ring may have had was just flushed } down the toilet, and you can thank Hollywood for that. } } Then there's Titanic, which is a mindless story about two people you've } never heard of and never will, mostly because they didn't really exist. } The whole plotline takes place in a flashback, and mainly involves a } woman, a diamond, and some sort of third-rate artist. Then, of course, } the ship manages to crash into an iceberg, and you get to see humanity } at its worst as the rich decide to save themselves and let the poor } die. The only real highlight of this film is to see Leonardo Dicaprio } freeze to death in the ocean, and then drown. } } Hehehehe. I could watch that over and over again. I've nearly worn out } the DVD. Here, let me rewind that part again ... } } Oh, that's -hilarious-! "I'll never let go, Jack," she says, and then } she lets go! Oh, that's classic! Drown, Leo, drown! } } Hehehehe. I'm sorry. Let me get a tissue, I'm laughing so hard ... } ahem. Anyway, clearly Titanic is the superior film, if just for that } scene. Its one redeeming virtue is worth it. Trust me. } } Hehehehehehehehehehehehe. God, I love it! } } You owe the Oracle the movie Titanic on DVD. Make that two of them. I } think my DVD just snapped, and it's best to keep a spare. --- 1241-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Happy Christmas, and a Merry New Year! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } <> <> <> <> <> <><> <> <><> <> <><> <> <><> <> <><> <> <> } The Night Before Day } <> <> <> <> <> <><> <> <><> <> <><> <> <><> <> <><> <> <> } } 'Twas the night before day, when all through the queue } Not an incarnation was stirring, not even you, } The w..dch..ks were hung by their tails near the stair } In hopes that cat would soon notice them there, } } The stock characters were nestled all snug in their beds, } While visions of digestion danced in their heads; } And Og in outhouse, sat down with a -slap- } Had just settled down for a long hefty...something or other. } } When out of the mainframe there arose such a clatter, } I sprang up from Lisa to see what was the matter. } Away to the terminal, though dazed by blonde hash, } I scanned /tmp and glanced in the cache } The moon on the breast of nearby Lisa did glow, } And made me think, why to work I did go. } When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, } But the kind of system crash that fills one with fear! } } With an old video driver, so cranky and sick, } I knew in a moment the whole box was going down quick! } More noisy than beagles, the drives when insane } the CPU whistled, drives clattered, and sounded in pain; } } "Now, DAMNIT! Oh Curses!, OH DANGIT! It's fritzin'! } Oh Vomit! oh stupid! Oh heck the whole thing needs fixin'! } from the top of / the inodes did fall! } the file systems are garbled, I'll have to rebuild it all" } } As dry heaves engulfed me I knew I must try, } for until it was done, no Lisa thigh. } And then, in a twinkling, I heard by the stair } The clawing and pawing of the w..dch..ks hung there. } As I drew out the zot wand and was turning around, } from behind me came an ungodly sound. } } In wet bloody fur, from the head to it's foot, } And with face all tarnished with zot caused soot; } A w..dch..k from hell lead the others in an attack } And the meanest mother was leading the pack. } } Their eyes -- how they glowed in the face of each beast, } I knew on my carcass they desired to feast! } With vile little mouths full of razors and OH! } One of them had a pipe bomb in tow! } } The stump of the pipe he held tight in his teeth, } And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath; } He had a broad face and a little round belly, } That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly. } } He was chubby and plump, a right jolly demon from yes no hell! } And I laughed when I saw him, in spite the smell; } I whisk out the zot wand and blasted off his head, } Soon all the others too would be dead! } } Then Og showed up, with a knife and a fork, } And he fell to kill them all, making a mess, what a dork! } He laughed as he stomped on them, his laughter it rose, } for on each one he stomped the floor sported a bloody } pattern much like a rose. } } Lisa sprang up and hollered, "You've messed up the floor!" } She's cute when she's angry and can curse like a...an angry person. } But I heard Og exclaim, as he dove out of sight, } "urgh! UG! Og sor-RY!" } Then I had to turn my attention back to the computer. } } You owe the Oracle a mop and a new RAID. --- 1241-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why won't nobody vote for me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear supplicant, } } Let us look carefully at your campaign statements. The answer should be } apparent. } } 1. I don't promise to not lower taxes. } 2. Non-universal health care is not unfeasible. } 3. I don't not support the non-use of stem cells for research. } 4. I don't not think that society doesn't need non-social programs. } 5. I am not opposed to the opposition of the opposed war on terrorism. } 6. We don't need no more money to not stimulate decline in the economy. } 7. I promise to not do nothing to not oppose peace in the middle-east. } 8. We shouldn't not not spend less money to not save the environment. } 9. Please don't not vote for my opponent because he is not a } non-bleeding-heart conservative. } 10.Grammer is not a non-essential subject that shouldn't be not taught } in elementary schools. --- 1241-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Everything was going just fine, and then the bottom fell > out. What happened? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Those trousers were *way* too tight. } } You owe the Oracle $1000 cash so he can make bail. --- 1241-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wisest Oracle, Accuracy Corporeal, Master of Locution, > Virtuoso of Certitude, please answer my lowly question, > > Why are Californians dismayed by power failures there, > isn't sitting in the dark natural and environmentally > safe? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Easy. No-one has yet told Californians that even though } their lighters have an electric spark, you don't need to } plug them into the mains before lighting your spliff. } } You owe The Oracle a pedal-powered hot tub. --- 1241-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and ultimately employable Oracle, please grant this humble > supplicant an iota of your near-infinite knowledge, > > This job market really sucks. I'm really good at what I do, but nobody > seems to need me. What does my future hold? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Reply Hazy, Try Again. --- 1241-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > who knows the difference between a Baggins and a Bagshot, > > What have I got in my pockets ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, man, don't flash that around. There are cops all over this cafe. } If you're really interested in doing some business, meet me at the Taco } Bell in half an hour. } } >Sure, buddy. } } [Half of one of your mortal "hours" elapses...] } } >Hey. } } I see you've got the merchandise. Where did you get this, anyway? } } >Does it matter? } } I need to know if I'm getting a pure sample. } } >My man, this is entirely legit. It's straight from the Shire, I swear. } } What's the pedigree? } } >Well, this is from a Stout, and these two are Proudfoot. } } Great. I'll give you ten K for the Stout, seven each for the Proudfoot. } } >In krugerrands, right? } } As always. } } >How'd you get so many krugerrands, anyway? } } Tribute from Swiss bankers wishing to know how to avoid paying Holocaust } repara -- I mean, none of your business. } } >Right you are. Shall we do this, then? } } Certainly. Here's a key. It'll unlock locker 613 at the gym on Twelfth } street. The krugerrands are in there. } } >Uh... } } What? Don't you trust me? } } >Uh... sure, Orrie. Sure, I trust you. } } Don't use my name here! } } >Sorry. } } Now give me those vials. } } >Here you go. } } [The Oracle holds a vial full of a cloudy substance up to the light.] } } Perfect. } } [A stranger at another table stands up suddenly.] } } : Oracle! } } Huh? } } : What have I got in my pockets? } } [The Oracle brings his powers of knowledge to bear on the stranger.] } } Uh... a badge. Oh hell. You owe the Oracle a running start. } } : Fat chance, Oracle. You're under arrest for suspected traffic in } biological warfare paraphenalia. } } >That's not it at all, sir! The charge should be conspiracy to purchase } >smuggled hobbit genetic materia -- } } Shutupshutupshutup! } } : That stuff is hobbit semen? You've gotta be kidding. } } Please understand, officer. I need it to breed the perfect Pokemon! } There's no other way to get that vital hairy-feet chromosome! } } : You freaking perverts are all alike. Okay, put your hands behind your } backs, both of you. I'm gonna have to confiscate your rings, sir. } } [vwip] } } No! Not my Class of the Second Age ring! } } [vwip vwip!] } } No! Not my Cap'n Crunch secret decoder rings! } } >Officer, I don't have any ri -- } } [vwip!] } } >OWW that was my FINGER you bastard! AAAWWH... } } [The supplicant collapses.] } } : Right, it's off to the station with you two. } } But officer -- } } : Shut up. Don't you know hobbit molesters fall under the new Defense } of Fantasy Creatures from Use for Immoral Purposes Act? } } It wasn't for immoral purposes! I just wanted to catch 'em all! } } : Shut up and get in the back. } } Pig. } } : I heard that, you pervert. You know, I oughtta shoot you right now } and say you were resisting arrest. But pity's staying my hand, see, } 'cause I already had to deal with some dusthead named Potter selling } brooms with unauthorized modifications and no permits or VIN numbers. } } And it's a pity you've run out of bullets? } } : You catch on fast, Oracle. } } Quickly now, you owe the Oracle one of two things, your choice: } 1. a Pokeball containing Bustouttajailachu or his evolved form } Daringescapeachu, or } 2. your refusal to testify. } And stop sniveling over your finger. It could have been worse. } It could have been your 'precious.' Get me? Now shut up and let me } think. You also owe the Oracle a copy of /Bored of the Rings/ with } maybe some /Adventures of O. C. and Stiggs/ on the side. And give me } that key back. It'll be safe right here in my pocket... Hey, there's a } ring in here! Score! --- 1241-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sometimes the queue's all great questions for me; } Other times it's full of junk I can't even see. } Lately it occurs to me } What a long, strange trip it's been. } } Now what in the world ever became of incarnations? } They lost their sense of duty, you know it isn't the same. } Doling out zots, and jabs, and put downs, } All a Oracle can say is ain't it a shame. } } Queue's up to 'no tellme' loads, } Been thinkin' I gotta answer slow. } It takes time, to formulate a good joke you know, } And just keep queuein' on. } } Sittin' and starin' at the motionless monitor, } Got a block that makes being funny a sin, } I like to get some sleep before I incarnate, } But if 24 hours pass, then the question will just queue again, } } Busted, average down to 2.3 } Fed up, think I'll not incarnate again, } Knocked down, another fifth of gin, } They just won't let you be, four point 'Oh', } } Sometimes the queue's all great questions for me; } Other times it's full of junk I can barely believe. } Lately it occurs to me } What a long, strange trip it's been. } } You owe the Oracle a black tee-shirt. --- 1241-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most Progressive Oracle, you are more worldly than all the world's > working women and more friendly than twenty seven hundred mall > Santas, > > What can I do about her smoking?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. Ask her to stop. } 2. Beg her to stop. } 3. Order her to stop. } 4. Pay her to stop. } 5. Hide her cigarettes. } 6. Soil her cigarettes. } 7. Put a nude picture of Boris Yeltsin in her cigarette pack. } 8. Carry a water pistol. } 9. Filled with kerosene. } 10. Make her a sexy nightie of nicotine patches. } 11. Make yourself a shirt of inside-out nicotine patches and hug her a } lot. } 12. Invent a safe cigarette. } 13. Invent an artificial lung. } 14. Invent a non-smoking girlfriend and dump the current one. } 15. Anesthetize her, suture her orifices shut, and surgically attach } scuba gear. } 16. Switch her to alcohol. } 17. Or narcotics. } 18. Or chewing tobacco. } 19. Or chocolate. } 20. Or Civilization. } 21. Wire her up to a battery set. } 22. Give her tiny shocks whenever she lights up. } 23. Step up the voltage. } 24. Whoops! Now she's smoking again, but not by choice. } 25. Apologize with flowers. } 26. Poppies are a good choice. } 27. Poppies will make her sleep. } 28. Sleep. } 29. Now she'll sleep. } 30. While she sleeps, whisper anti-smoking slogans in her ear. } 31. Buy her a case of Nicorette gum. } 32. And Nicorette floss. } 33. And Nicorette nasal spray. } 34. Fill a swimming pool with nicotine and shove her in. } 35. Suggest that she go cold turkey. } 36. Not Wild Turkey, COLD turkey. } 37. Watch helplessly as an angry turkey chases her around the barnyard. } 38. Ask yourself, "Couldn't I find someone a little brighter to date?" } 39. A week later, after you've been dumped two dozen times, ask her to } take you back. } 40. When she refuses, butter her up with a case of smokes. } 41. Suggest she quit for New Year's. } 42. Suggest she quit for Lent. } 43. Suggest she quit for Armenian Yak-Cheese Day. } 44. Tell her she won't gain weight if she quits. } 45. Promise you'll exercise with her. } 46. Promise you'll love her if she balloons up. } 47. Promise you'll spring for the liposuction. } 48. Fill her cigarette packs with Twinkies. } 49. Make them nicotine-soaked Twinkies. } } And the only thing you REALLY can do ... } } 50. Learn to live with it. You think you can make a smoker quit? You } think you can change your girlfriend? You have a lot to learn about } the world, my child. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Serenity Prayer, needlepointed on a } dried tobacco leaf.