From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Dec 12 13:30:35 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.43) id fBCHnTv07238; Wed, 12 Dec 2001 12:49:29 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 12 Dec 2001 12:49:29 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200112121749.fBCHnTv07238@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1239 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1239 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1239 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 12 Dec 2001 12:49:16 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1239 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1234 58 votes 8lhb1 bcge5 7ake7 3dlg5 5hjb6 2cnba 4fcj8 2erc3 9hci2 5djc9 1234 3.0 mean 2.6 2.8 3.1 3.1 2.9 3.3 3.2 3.0 2.8 3.1 --- 1239-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that the women I know are the ones I'm *least* likely to see > naked? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's go back to basics. It has to do with the way you start your } relationships. } } There are two basic laws: } 1. The likelihood of ever seeing a woman naked decreases the longer } you know her without having seen her naked. } 2. The likelihood of seeing a woman naked again increases with the } number of times you have seen her naked. } } As you can imagine, this results in two feedback loops, one positive, } one negative. The two curves overlap slightly, and are quite chaotic } in the early stages, thus making it possible to shift from one to the } other. The further you go along either path, though, the harder it is } to ever switch, leading to your conundrum. } } The solution to this is to nip the problem in the bud, so to speak. } } The next time you meet a woman, you must ask (nicely!) to see her } naked. If she says no, don't worry, you haven't lost any opportunity, } since Law 1 makes it clear you would never have seen her naked } anyway. If she says yes, then be sure to repeat the request } frequently early in your relationship. Before you know it, you'll be } surrounded by a bevy of lovely women all just dying to tear off their } clothes and parade before you naked. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the latest Victoria's Secret television } ad. --- 1239-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O' Great Oracle, who is the very essence of knowlege, answer my > foolish yammering and not ZOT me? > > Would'st thou forgiveth me for my henious crime of not appearing at > my inbox and failing ye? I am thy most loyal servant who has been > faithful for one year. I would'st cease bothering ye for my long awaited > raise. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course I forgive you. Never mind that I've had acolytes scouring } the countryside, searching every nook and cranny of Mount Olympus } looking for your scrawny hide, while the evidence of my brilliance } festered in your inbox. Why I oughta...! } } Ahem. } } Anyway, you owe the Oracle a promise to set your email client to check } for mail every 2 minutes, no matter what your email administrator says. --- 1239-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most ancient and sublime, wise and cheerful, please tell me: > > Will you be my friend? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. } } You owe the Oracle your favorite CD, $20, your lawnmower, the use } of your truck to help him move some large jagged edged rocks, a } shoulder to cry on, the use of your backyard for a wild drunken } keg party, a ride home, a character reference, a job, and a blind } eye towards his moves on your woman. --- 1239-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What can one do with an old rotary phone? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Have you considered giving it to your local Rotary Club? } } You owe the Oracle an old hand-cranked phone, the kind } where the magneto rings the bell on the other end of the } line. --- 1239-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > i need internet sites(free of cost) with the following > character : > > -food machinery full automation line information > (French Fry , Fast Food , Vegetables Frozen , Fruits Frozen ) > -technical specifications > -processing equipment > -meanwhile they will be able to advice me about design > , establishment , problems and layout of them . And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The porn you sickos get off to is getting worse all the time. } } You owe the Oracle a subscription to Pregnant Leather Bondage Nuns. --- 1239-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most unflappable Oracle, > > Which office will I get sent to next? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dead Letter. --- 1239-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Tailor of Indiana > A Novel > By Orrie Le Carre And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Tailor was a hairy man } A hairy man who drove a van. } The tailor wore long sleeves and boots } He tried to dig deep within his roots } } He dug from China, through the world } halfway through he stopped and hurled. } Wiping his face with a bandana, } He emerged on the other side, in Indiana } } by Orrie Le Carre --- 1239-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle most wise and sagacious, I've just read your recent > diagnosis from #1238: > > } Over time, Usenetters become sensitized, and anything that sounds > } like it might be an allusion is likely to set them off at > } inappropriate moments. Your boss's attack seems a fairly harmless one > } on the whole, though I am slightly concerned by the presence of > } Doctor Who material in there amongst the more familiar stuff. If his > } condition worsens, expect to hear such things as "These are not the > } droids you're looking for", "You talkin' to me?", "There can be only > } one!" and "My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to > } die". The terminal stages are characterized by such outbursts as > } "Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast", "Don't cross the > } beams!" and "Klaatu barada nikto". When you hear any of these, you > } should put him out of his misery as quickly and humanely as possible. > > I am shocked, shocked to realize that I recognize each and every one of > these quotes. The only one I had a moment's hesitation on was the > SMAKIBBFB, which I couldn't immediately place. I swear to God, I've > only watched Red Dwarf one time, one fucking time, and it just happened > to be that episode! I resigned from the Dr. Who fan club decades ago > (literally!), and surely the Star Wars, Taxi Driver, Highlander, > Princess Bride, Ghostbusters and The Day The Earth Stood Still quotes > have become part of the larger popular culture, right? (Well, OK, I > *did* buy the Princess Bride video when it came out 10 years ago, but > it was a youthful indescretion. I only watch it now for nostalgia's > sake.) (OK, OK, so I had Highlander out from the video store for four > weeks running. It was only summer reruns on TV, and I didn't have cable > at the time, OK?) > > Oh, wait, I just did a Google search on that catch phrase from Red > Dwarf, and it looks like it was used a lot on that show. Recognizing > SMAKIBBFB is roughly the equivalent of recognizing "Bang, zoom, to the > moon, Alice!" after seeing one episode of "The Honeymooners" (a show > which I've only seen two or three episodes of, and which seems really > stupid). > > So, anyway, nevermind. I guess I'm not a mindless pop culture drone > after all. > > However, since I'm already sending you an e.mail... which is better, > satellite or cable? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now wait, I say wait just a minute there, boy. You have merely } established that you MAY not be a mindless pop culture drone. The only } way to prove it one way or the other beyond a shadow of a doubt is for } you to complete the following questionnaire. } } THE INTERNET ORACLE'S (tm) } POP ENCULTURATION INVENTORY } --------------------------- } } 1. Complete HAL's line: "This kind of problem has cropped up before, } and it has always been due to..." } } a. Gremlins. } b. My Intel Pentium processor. } c. Irritable bowel syndrome. } d. Human error. } } 2. Which of the following was not said by Yoda? } } a. "Do or do not, there is no try." } b. "Size matters not." } c. "Like a box of chocolates life is." } d. "When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good you } will not." } } 3. What is the original British title of the book & film known to } USAns as "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone?" } } a. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. } b. Harry Potter Gets Stoned. } c. When Harry Potter Met Sally. } d. Windows XP for Dummies. } } 4. "And it absolutely will not stop! Ever! Until you are dead!" What } is being referred to? } } a. The Terminator. } b. The Love Boat. } c. Columbo. } d. Income tax. } } 5. What was Gabrielle sitting on in the notorious bathing scene in } "Xena: Warrior Princess"? } } a. Xena's hand. } b. The soap. } c. The remains of her acting career. } d. Joxer the Mighty (or any other Carry On-style double entendre } of your choice). } } 6. Who said: "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way"? } } a. Beavis. } b. Hobbes. } c. Osama bin Laden. } d. Jessica Rabbit. } } 7. When did the Traveller come as a large and moving Torg? } } a. During the Rectification of the Voldrani. } b. During the Third Reconciliation of the Last of the Mecentrig. } c. Last Tuesday. } d. Whenever it damn well pleases! } } 8. Sir Ian McKellen was unbelievably cool in: } } a. Richard III. } b. Gods and Monsters. } c. X-Men. } d. All of the above. } } (NB: For the purposes of this test, d. is the wrong answer.) } } 9. Who amongst the following has had Borg implants? } } a. Captain Jean-Luc Picard. } b. Seven of Nine. } c. Britney Spears. } d. All of the above. } } 10. Which of the following was not said by Duke Nukem 3D? } } a. "Blow it out your ass!" } b. "Let god sort 'em out." } c. "Like a box of chocolates life is." } d. "I haven't got time to play with myself." } } 11. Why do aliens from a distant part of the universe all speak with } Australian accents? } } a. Australians ARE from a distant part of the universe. } b. You've been watching too much "Farscape". } c. You didn't expect aliens from a distant part of the universe } to actually speak English, did you? } d. Fair crack of the whip, mate, they don't know if it's Pitt } Street or Christmas out there, and that's the good oil on it! } } 12. Of whom was it said he "experienced the sort of abysmal soul } sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy's peasants when, after } putting in a heavy day's work strangling his father, beating his } wife, and dropping the baby into the city reservoir, he turns to } the cupboard, only to find the vodka bottle empty"? } } a. Ace Ventura, pet detective. } b. Babe, the sheep-pig. } c. Fester Bestertester. } d. Freddie Threepwood. } } Score one point for each correct answer from 1-11, and deduct three if } you actually recognised the P G Wodehouse quote in 12. If your overall } score is nine or higher, you are unquestionably a mindless pop culture } drone, so stop trying to pretend otherwise. } } And, in answer to your question, any megalomaniac bent on global } conquest from Blofeld to Dr Evil will tell you that cable is a non- } starter when it comes to deploying a giant continent-obliterating } death ray. I'm surprised you even had to ask. } } You owe this incarnation a rest from pop culture questions. I'm } starting to develop a craving to watch "Blake's Seven". --- 1239-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > What kind of calendars will be most popular in 2002? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Anything with tits in it. } } The "Birdwatchers' Weekly" is a particularly fine example. And I would } recommend February for a splendid pair of blue tits. --- 1239-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Vast Oracle, I grovel whilst standing on my head. (This is necessary > as I am in Australia today, and that's how everything I'm saying is > right-side up.) I sing your praises to the kangaroos and the snakes. > If you would like, I'll also sing "Six White Boomers," the Australian > Xmas song. Of course, being a grovelling supplicant, I'm not as good > a singer as you are. So perhaps you would prefer that I sing something > else. Most people ask that I sing "Far, Far Away," but I'm already > doing that, being in Australia. > > Anyway, here's my question. I went to Ayres Rock, here in Australia, > because I'd been told it was the World's Largest Monolith. Let me tell > you, I was so disappointed! You remember the Monolith the the film > 2001? Well Ayers Rock ain't ANYTHING like it!! Why do people come > from all over to see this thing if it's not even a real monolith? The > Aussie Government could at least carve it to look like one. You know > all about this already. Why haven't you suggested it to them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because, as I know and you should, Mount Uluru (to give it its proper } name) belongs to the Anangu aboriginal people, not to the Australian } government. And if you were at all familiar with aboriginal culture, } you would realise that there are good reasons why Uluru does not } resemble the monoliths in 2001. However, since you clearly are not, I } shall have to tell you the relevant Dreamtime story. } } At the time of creation the Rainbow Serpent travelled across the land } and made rivers and valleys with its long, heavy body. After its trip } it went back to its hole in the ground, and then the Rainbow Serpent } called out loudly "Come out! Come out!" Suddenly all the animals, } birds and plants, which had been sleeping under the ground, came out } and began to live on earth. } } The animals, birds and plants began to travel widely across the land } also, and many came to Uluru and left Tjukurpa of their coming. For } instance, Mala Tjukurpa tells of three groups of Mala rufous hare } wallaby people, which arrived from the north. And many other Tjukurpa } - recalling the Kalaya emu, Liru poisonous snake, Luunpa kingfisher } and Tjintir-jintirpa willie wagtail peoples - litter the land around } the monolith. } } Now it happened one day that Tatji, the small red lizard who lived on } the mulgi flats, came to Uluru. He threw his kali, or curved throwing } stick, up into the air, and imagined it transforming into a spaceship. } Then he summoned all the animals, birds and plants in the area, and he } told them that Mount Uluru itself was a Tjukurpa left by a people } unknown even to the Rainbow Serpent, whose purpose was to guide the } development of all the races of the land into human beings. What's } more, Tatji said he planned to turn his idea into a great Dreamtime } story and make a fortune selling the merchandise, in the form of a } large pile of stones that he had gathered, each of which looked } vaguely like Mount Uluru. } } But a woman of the Kaniya carpet snake people, who carried her eggs } around her throat like a necklace, told him that this gag had already } been done much better in the oracularities by one of the Sewell blue } tongued lizard men, using Beowulf and Spielberg's Jurassic Park, and } it had still only been voted a measly 3.2 by the illiterate digest } readership. So the Kubriki bell-bird brothers took the merchandise } and stoned Tatji to death with it, and the stones may still be seen } scattered around Mount Uluru today. For this act, the brothers were } rewarded by the Rainbow Serpent, which turned them into human beings. } And when one of their descendants came to make the film 2001, he made } sure the monoliths looked nothing at all like stones, for copyright } reasons. } } You owe the Oracle your rendition of "The Sounds of Silence".